A/N: And back to my normally scheduled mindless humor. This is a possible light-hearted 'sequel' of sorts to the last chapter. A very minuscule drabble while I work on my longer, better stories.
o.O
The Order stared at the goblin in front of them. In his clawed hands, he held up a hologram of Harry's head. "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the Ontology." The hologram showed various enchanted body parts. "We have the capability to make the world's first Psionic Man." The hologram showed the parts installed in Harry's body. "Harry Potter will be that man." Next showed a sequence of Harry lifting ridiculously oversized bags of gold. "Better than he was before." More sequences of magical components overlaid his mangled legs. "Better, stronger, faster." The image of Harry running away from a dragon, easily breaking sixty k.
"We will make him the Six Million Galleon Man!"
O.o
Harry woke up in an unfamiliar hospital wing. He blinked over at the goblin in a white healer's robe next to him. He groped around for his glasses until he realized he no longer needed them. "What… what happened," he gasped out.
The goblin smiled. "How are we feeling, Mr. Potter?" The goblin asked.
Harry bit back the classic 'We are feeling like shite, thank you very much.' "Um… pretty good considering I just got my face eaten off by the animated corpse of my best friend. What happened?"
The goblin smiled. "We've made you a new man, Mr. Potter. With new powers, strength, capabilities."
Harry blinked. "Wha?"
The goblin shook his head. "Don't worry, we'll explain it all during the testing sequences."
"Testing sequences?" Harry asked, a little worried.
o.O
"Why of course," Fleur said, breasts heaving, "I would do anyzing for Harry!"
The goblin smiled. "Excellent. Now put on this white shirt and step into the next room."
O.o
"So why do I have to wear a white shirt?" Hermione asked crossly. "And how will this help Harry?"
The goblin shook his head, biting back the urge to slap the mouth witch. "Just put on the damn shirt."
With a huff, Hermione reluctantly changed her clothing.
o.O
"You want to test out my temporal watzit?" Harry asked, utterly confounded.
"Your temporal-perceptive dilation unit. It will allow you to perceive time at about five times the speed of an ordinary human."
"Er… right, I can see how that's useful. So, how are we going to test it?"
The goblin smiled, exposing its sharp, pointy teeth. He gestured with one clawed hand, and a curtain moved back, exposing a one-way mirror. Harry's eyes widened as he saw the voluptuous Fleur Delacour pacing slowly back and forth in the room.
"… so how is this supposed to test the unit?" Harry asked.
The goblin's smile widened. With another gesture, a stream of water shot out from the side, spraying Fluer down. Time slowed, letting Harry take in every minute squirm and jiggle.
O.O
Two goblin technicians, one grizzled and the other looking relatively young, scowled at each other.
"Gragcobble, what's the status of the Mr. Stud unit?" The grizzled tech said to his partner.
"Fifty percent and holding," the tech replied.
"Fifty percent!? Is something wrong?" The grizzled tech replied. "Initiate phase two!"
.
Hermione sputtered in protest as the goblin guard 'gently' led her towards an unmarked door. "How is this supposed to help Harry?"
The guard grunted. "Just shut up and get in there," he said, casually tossing her into the room. He slammed the door behind him, grumbling about bossy know-it-alls.
O.O
Hermione barely had time to acknowledge the blond in the room before a blast a freezing cold water plastered her now transparent clothing to her young body. She screamed and writhed, getting tangled up with the Beauxbatons' champion. The collapsed into a pile of heaving, jiggling squeals.
x.x
"Mr. Stud implant at one hundred percent and holding!" The young goblin technician cried out.
The grizzled goblin smiled and nodded. "Mr. Stud. She'll never know."
o.O
Later, after drying herself off, Hermione perused the list of upgrades. "Wait, what's this?" She asked imperiously.
The goblin 'assigned' as her liaison rolled his eyes. "That would be his ultra-high-frequency coherent light optical emission unit."
Hermione boggled. "You gave him laser beam shooting eyes?! Why on earth did you give him laser beam shooting eyes?"
The goblin harrumphed. "We weren't going to originally, but research shows that all fourteen year old boys want laser beam shooting eyes."
"But…" Hermione was interrupted by the goblins sharp bark.
"Are you a fourteen year old boy?" The goblin asked grumpily.
"Well, no, but…"
"Then shut the Hell up."
o.o
"Wait… you mean that I can shoot laser beams from my eyes?" Harry asked, wide eyed.
The goblin healer nodded.
"Wicked!"
x.x
Meanwhile, at the Riddle Mansion, Voldemort was interrogating Snape. "Wait, not only did they rebuild him faster, stronger, better, but he can shoot laser beams from his eyes?"
Snape nodded while bowing and scraping. "Yes, master."
"That's not fair! I got a new body that was faster, stronger, better, but I can't shoot laser beams from my eyes! Snape, this is your fault! CRUCIO!" Snape screamed and writhed like the little bitch he was.
A/N: Alright, that's enough of that. Oh, ontology is the study of words, and how they relate to each other. Since spell casting (and therefore enchantment) seems to follow some undisclosed linguistic logic... that and it fit the flow of the monologue.