Jasper and I sat there for hours in silence enjoying each other's company. It was sunset when Jasper broke the silence.
"Why did you want us to leave?" Jasper asked. I stared at him, shocked then realised he must not remember everything from our time together.
"I didn't, you know that," I replied, praying he would remember.
He did.
I could tell because Jaspers facial features became contorted with rage and I started to feel angry.
"Jasper, you're projecting," I said as calmly as I could. The anger dissipated.
"You never wanted me to go after him because you were afraid one of us would get killed," Jasper replied.
I nodded, "You would have killed him for hurting me and lying to you all and he would have killed you for turning me and taking my soul."
We lapsed into silence again.
"Are you going to tell them?" Jasper inquired.
"I'm not sure," I answered honestly, "I'm not sure they are ready to know, I'm not sure I'm ready for them to know and I'm not sure I'm ready to be Bella again."
"Our family still loves you, even Rosalie and Edward," he reassured. I gave him a look that clearly said 'Yeah right!'
"I'm serious!" Jasper implored, "Whenever Alice and I visited Rosalie and Emmett they always had that picture Alice took of you at your party next to the TV and Edward carried your prom photo with him all the time, he never let it out of his sight."
I sighed starting to get irritated.
"They miss human Bella, pathetic, shy, weak, accident prone human Bella. They only liked me because I was human. They won't want anything to do with strong, independent vampire Bella," I almost yelled. I took a few calming breaths before continuing.
"They like me as Marie, not Bella." I said quietly.
Jasper looked at me, "You're afraid" He stated, "of being left behind again."
I looked at him as a myriad of emotions swirled around me and watched as he sampled them and began to understand.
"It broke me when you all left," I said, voice thick with emotions I hadn't wanted to feel ever again, "I barely survived."
Jasper was stunned, whether from my words or my feelings I wasn't sure.
"We never should have left, we were all wrong to follow Edward. Every one of us has regretted that decision ever since and more so when they heard of your 'death'," Jasper told me.
"I know, we've had this conversation before, but it doesn't matter," I replied, "You all miss Bella, but I'm no more Bella than you are Major Whitlock of the newborn wars."
Jasper smiled then, confusing me.
"I may not be Major Whitlock anymore but he is still a part of me, a part that makes me who I am today," He explained, "The same goes for you and Bella."
I sighed; Jasper had well and truly hit the nail on the head. As much as I tried to bury and forget everything Bella, I couldn't because at the heart of it all I was Bella and there was no escaping that.
After a few moments of silence I spoke up again.
"But I don't want to go back to being clumsy, weak, foolish Bella," I said…ok, maybe I was whining a little.
Jasper just laughed, "No one is asking you too, and honestly, I for one wouldn't want you too. All I'm saying is don't forget who you used to be, you don't want to lose yourself."
After a moment of silence, Jasper chuckled again, "Did that make any sense?"
I smiled, "Yeah, I think so, basically, Bella shaped me into who I am today and if I forget that, I might lose sight of, well, me."
I looked at Jasper then and we both dissolved into laughter. After all the emotions I had felt today, it was good to laugh.
"Ok," I said once we had sobered up," I know what you are saying but I'm not ready to tell everyone yet. Sorry."
He nodded, "That's ok, I'll be right next to you when you are ready."
I smiled contentedly and looked up at the stars; they were always so beautiful out here. I then realised how late it must be. Jasper seemed to come to the same realisation.
"I should be getting back, Alice and the rest are probably worried about me," he said, "Will you be ok?"
"Yes," I replied, "I think I'll go spend some time with Jake and Leah, tell Alice not to freak out when she sees my future disappear."
Jasper smiled his agreement and we took off towards the Masen household. When we could hear the family moving around within the house we stopped.
"Thanks for your help today, Jasper," I said as I gave him a hug.
"Any time Marie," He answered before pulling away and heading to the house.
I stayed where I was long enough to hear the family greet Jasper before I ran to La Push.
Leah was the only one home when I arrived.
"Hi Marie, how is everything?" She asked as I entered the lounge room.
"I don't know," I replied flopping down on the couch opposite Leah, "I need to obtain the advice of my most trusted advisors."
"I'll get Jake and Seth to come home," Leah said looking torn between worry and amusement as she left the room.
10 minutes later we were all seated comfortably in the lounge room.
"You're not leaving us again? Are you?" Seth asked.
"No, I don't think so," I answered, "I just don't know what to do about this whole Lila-Edward thing and Jasper remembers everything now, he found me in the meadow today. He won't tell anyone but I wasn't ready to face any of them yet"
They didn't reply, they knew I wasn't finished. It's how these sessions worked, I talked, they listened, then we all discussed possible solutions.
"I'm so worried Lila will get hurt by Edward but at the same time I'm absolutely paralysed by my pain that I can barely function when I'm around them," I continued, "I'm afraid I still love him but that he and the rest of his family, except Jasper, won't love me back. What if they only liked me then because I was a clumsy and human and they only like me now because I'm a confident vampire? What if I reveal myself and they reject both parts of me? Or one and not the other?"
There, I said it, the thing that was truly bothering me. Could they accept all of me? Who I was and who I am now?
Sorry for taking so very very long to update this story, life happened =) Hope you enjoy, reviews are greatly appreciated, KM