"Now, bro," Ryuji said slowly, "you know we're a family, man. None of us would sell the team out for anything! We're closer than blood."
"Then how the mice, Ryuji?! HOW THE MICE?!" Akira shrieked, his voice high-pitched, cracking, and somehow not ridiculous due to the sheer terror it inspired in them all. The makeshift dagger in his hand and the blood running down his fingers from gripping it too tightly definitely helped. "It could have been any of you! How can I trust you anymore?! I don't know any of you! Just today I learned Morgana was secretly a dog, Ann was secretly French, and Yusuke was secretly dead!"
"Oh dear. Everyone, I think his mind has finally snapped," Haru said.
"Gee, ya think?!"
"He's been… under a lot of pressure," Futaba said eloquently. "So I don't think we can really blame the movie."
"Futaba, I swear to God, if you don't shut up I will tell him you did it," Ann said, her eyes very firmly locked on the shard of bloody glass.
"Why wait? It was obviously Futaba," Ryuji snapped. "Dude, it was Futaba! She sold us out, go ahead and kill her."
"The Hell, dude!" Futaba shrieked.
"You're the one who found this movie and the only one on the entire planet who would ever enjoy it! It has to be you!" Ryuji snapped.
"Of course it wasn't her," Akira hissed. "If she had been responsible for this atrocity, she'd have been proud of it. She'd have wormed her way into writing the script to make herself the main character, personally hired all the actors, loudly told us about it at every step. We'd all have been chained up in a sticky theater watching the premier showing in HD while she gushed about the stage directions. She might be an awful person, and she's definitely some kind of dark web criminal overlord, but she didn't do this. It had to have been someone who would sell the information without thinking about it… RYUJI."
"W-what?! Bro, you can't…"
"Makoto would never break the law. Futaba would never do such a bad job of breaking the law. Morgana can't talk to humans. Haru doesn't need the money. Yusuke doesn't realize he needs the money,"
"Would anyone else like some sawdust? It is what I have for breakfast in the morning so I can buy paint," Yusuke said helpfully.
"That just leaves you and Ann. And of those two, well, only one of them ever exposed the Phantom Thieves by loudly screaming about it on the phone while we were all at school."
"… … … … I mean, one time I did that."
"Oh my God it was you," Ann hissed, stepping back from Ryuji like he was a pool of toxic waste.
"No! I mean, I get that I'm not very… discrete…"
"You're a screaming moron," Morgana said helpfully.
"… But you know that I would never do shit like sell the team out on purpose! None of us would! We all had tons of chances to do that for money or power or shit, and none of us ever took it! It can't have been one of us, it just can't!" Ryuji said.
"… 'on purpose'?" Makoto asked. "You wouldn't sell us out 'on purpose.' That implies an accident happened, Ryuji."
"… … … I mean, everybody makes mistakes..."
Three months earlier…
Ryuji stood in line at Big Bang Burger, sighing loudly. "Man, the wait in this place is worse than that time I got turned into a mouse while part of the Phantom Thieves!"
"… Go on," said the man behind him in line, his conspicuous hat and trenchcoat making his features somewhat hard to make out.
"Like, I know it's just fast food, but man, the lack of pickles on the Big Bang Blitz #7 combo is just as annoying as that time Goro Akechi betrayed us, right? And…"
"The shit, Ryuji?!" Ann shrieked.
"He seemed nice! And they really don't put enough pickles on that burger!" Ryuji said. "Look, the key thing is that this is nobody's fault."
"THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!" Akira snarled.
"Good job, man," Futaba said, her voice dripping with glee as she patted Ryuji on the back. "I was wondering how I would work myself out of being hated forever. Turns out the trick is to shine by comparison!"
"Okay. So. After we kill Ryuji…" Haru began.
"We aren't really gonna kill Ryuji, right? Right?!" Ryuji asked.
"Please don't interrupt, Sakamoto-kun, this doesn't really concern you."
"I feel pretty concerned!"
"Just ignore him. What are we going to do after we kill Ryuji?" Ann asked, sharpening a knife. Nobody asked where she'd gotten it. It was possible knives just kind of appeared around her, now.
"After that," Haru continued, shifting her axe from hand to hand to get used to the weight, since she hadn't needed to chop anyone with it for awhile, "I may know what casino that was in the video. I wasn't sure for awhile, since it's so… ugly and awful? But I remembered a place my ex-fiancee took me once. I didn't go in with him, and we were only there for about twenty minutes, but the outer 'décor' matched the inside, and they seemed the sort of place that would allow a terrible porn to be shot there. It's called 'Joji Mashihara's Illegal Casino and Prostitutorium.'"
"… Wait, it calls itself an illegal casino?" Makoto asked. "And what is a 'prostitutorium'? Like… like a gymnasium for prostitutes?"
Haru sniffed elegantly. "I did say it was the kind of place my ex would enjoy, remember? We're lucky it wasn't just just called 'the house of whores and crime.'"
The group fell silent for a moment, thinking about Haru's ex.
"Yeah, he totally would go to a place called the House of Whores and Crime," Akira admitted.
"I bet he'd have a gold membership there," Ann added.
"You know, I bet he has a copy of this movie. I bet he loves it. I bet this is the quality of porn he uses regularly, in between the hookers, because he could never attract a woman who liked him for himself," Makoto said.
"I wish he was dead, and you've only made it worse," Haru said, nodding in agreement. "But! I do know where it is. And, luckily, I'm rich, so I can arrange to have it bombed."
"… Wait, what?" Akira asked.
"I can arrange to have a car pick us up and take us there," Haru said. "What did I say?"
"… … … nothing."
Everyone took a step away from Haru as she pulled out her cellphone and started dialing, still smiling cheerfully. Morgana scampered up Akira's back to perch on his shoulder and whispered, "Should we be worried that the only things keeping us together as a group are terror and blackmail, at this point?"
"Shut up, she might hear you," Akira murmured back to him.
"So that would be a yes, then."
Haru was, fortunately, very efficient when she was in a bad mood. The car that arrived within the half-hour was a limo large enough for all of them, albeit one with a giant cheeseburger on top to stop anyone from feeling too happy about riding in it.
"Ooooooooh. I would say this is swanky, but honestly the whole thing smells like fried beef," Futaba said cheerfully.
"This vehicle has a snack bar! Quite astonishing," Yusuke said. "Ah, it seems the only snack in it is old french fries. They are soggy." He paused. "I'm going to eat them anyway."
Haru winced. "Yes. I apologize for all of this. I have been trying to guide the company away from fast food and towards more wholesome products for months, but it is a complicated situation. The Burgermobile was a promotional tool for driving Big Bang investors to board meetings, and… well, everyone hated it, but my father commissioned six hundred of them…"
"… They're actually called that?" Makoto asked.
"My father was an excellent businessman, but not so skilled in the field of naming things," Haru said. "Please don't open the drink bar, Yusuke, it is actually just full of ketchup."
"I would be willing to drink that."
"Yusuke, we really need to talk about you buying less paint and more food," Akira said. "Haru, you're the one who knows where we're going. So after we kill Ryuji and dump him on the highway, where do we go?"
"Dude, it was an honest mistake!" Ryuji protested, taking care to sit as far from everyone else as humanly possible. Futaba sat triumphantly next to him with a grin of purest malice.
"Don't smile, Futaba, you're going right next to him when we finally find a good ditch," Haru said. "And we're heading back to the darkest underbelly of Tokyo. The... black-light district."
"... Don't you mean the red-light district?"
"No. It's even grosser than that," Haru said. "The red-light district is just normal prostitutes and strippers and pornography. The black light district is where things get weird. Like sex robots with lethal fisting apparatus, and people having horse orgies in abandoned roller-skating rings covered in baby oil while cosplaying disgraced prime ministers. Cops don't go here; they have too many standards to try to prosecute the kinds of crimes that happen in these places. The red-light district has some normal people in it, but where we're going, there is absolutely nothing legal. You don't even know about the black-light district unless you're a hideous sexual deviant with no morals or any concern for any other human being. Luckily, I used to be engaged to one of those, so I can guide us to where we're going. But it won't be pretty."
"... You know, Haru, sometimes I forget you've actually seen some really dark shit. I'll try to respect you more in the future," Ryuji said.
"That doesn't make us friends again, traitor," Haru said sweetly.
Joji Mashihara's Illegal Casino and Prostitutorium was the worst place any of them had ever been, and they had been to two disgusting porn sets at this point.
Pretty much everything about it was just gross. The floors were sticky. So were the slot machines, playing off-key music and adorned in images of just the worst clowns that you could ever see. Nobody seemed to be gambling on them, which made one wonder why they kept spinning and making noise. Occasionally one of them just spat out chips, even though nobody had pulled the (again, sticky) lever. The walls were coated in peeling paint and a lot of stains that came in way too many colors. There was no reason for the walls of a whorehouse to be stained with anything that was purple. Everyone who walked in or out seemed to have nothing in their eyes but sorrow and emptiness, whether they be employees or guests.
Across the room, a waiter accidentally spilled a drink; it hissed and began to eat through the floor.
"Okay, Haru, remember when you suggested bombing this place?" Akira asked.
"I'll make some calls," she murmured back. More loudly, she said, "Mashihara-san! I'm so glad you could meet us!"
"Anything for the beloved fiancée of one of our platinum members!" said Mr. Mashihara, approaching them. Morgana hissed at him, instinctively; he didn't appear to be anything more than a slightly overweight fifty-something man in an ill-fitting suit, but there was an indescribable aura about him that made one want to take a bath. Probably it was the mullet.
"I just wanna point out that I totally called him being a member," Ann said proudly.
"Good for you, Ann. Though, Mashihara-san, I should point out that I actually dumped him for being the sort of person who would willingly come to a place like this," Haru said warmly.
"Oh. ... Well, then, I'm always willing to come out and welcome someone who is very rich!" Masihara said, not missing a beat. "What can I get you, miss rich girl? A whore? A high-stakes poker game? A gambling whore? We also have soda."
"Oh, can I have a cola? I'm a little thirsty," Futaba asked.
"Actually, Masihara-san, what brings me here is business, not pleasure. Also, Futaba, don't drink or eat anything you find here, it is probably full of viruses," Haru said.
"Haven't had an inspector in the kitchens for seven years," Mashihara said proudly.
"How wonderful for you. Would you have some time to talk in your office, perhaps? I have a mutually beneficial arrangement to discuss that I think you'll be very enthusiastic for."
"Hm... I dunno, the evening rush does start in half an hour..."
"I am very wealthy."
"Fair point! I'll clear my schedule," he said, his mullet swaying with greed as he turned to lead them back to his offices. Morgana growled low in his throat at the sight.
"Mutually beneficial arrangement?" Akira whispered as they followed, trying not to touch anything.
"He will tell us what we want to know, and Makoto won't break every bone in his body. Everyone benefits," Haru whispered back.
"You're a good person, Haru."
They followed the man to his office, Morgana snarling in unhinged fury with every sway of his oddly evil hair, the aura of raw sleaze he emanated overpowering the many very tired sex workers they passed in the halls, and the tables shuffling their alarmingly sticky cards to gamblers that looked almost as dead inside as the prostitutes. Which, honestly, made a distressing sense; if you were working at a place like this your life had to be pretty bad, but it couldn't be much better if you came here for fun at four o'clock in the afternoon.
As they entered the office (which smelled of either bad meat or good cheese) and Masihara pulled out a sticky chair for Haru, he smiled. "So, miss moneybags! How can I help you this fine daaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-"
This last was because Makoto very calmly reached out, grabbed his left arm, and twisted it sharply down and back like so. Ann, smiling like a hungry shark, closed the door and picked up a letter opener that was on his desk, pressing the tip delicately against her fingertips one after another. It looked really sharp.
"So. I think we need to talk, Mashihara-san, and I think we all have interesting things to say!" Haru said, warmly, sitting down behind the desk in the manager's chair. "But before we start, I think we should bring up that my friends don't like you, and Makoto knows many more joint locks than you'd expect from a high school girl, so please be truthful with us when we ask you questions."
"Y'know, I always used to wonder why you never like, dated any of 'em. I always figured you coulda had your pick," Ryuji whispered to Akira. "I think I get it now."
"Mind-blowing terror?"
"Bingo."
"Wh... what do you want?! Do you want whores?! I'll give ya all the whores, just don't kill me!"
"We don't want your prostitutes, Mashihara-san," Haru said.
"Do they clean up around the house?" Futaba asked.
"We don't want any prostitutes, Futaba."
"I know, but he's offering to give us people! You can do a lot of things with a person. Like make them clean up your room so you don't have to, even if your dad gets really pushy about it," Futaba said.
"We are not here to get you a slave, Futaba!"
"Well, I wasn't gonna call her that..."
"We're here for the porn, dammit!" Ann screamed, finally. "Tell us who made it or I'll peel your skin off your face and wear it like a mask!"
"Yes, that. Thank you for getting us back on track, Ann," Haru agreed.
"W-what porn? The... the sex dungeons in the back have some porn ya can rent! T-the pay-per-view code is..."
"Not the porn you show, slimeball," Akira said. "We care about the porn you helped make."
"Though... seriously? You call your back rooms a 'sex dungeon,'?" Ryuji asked. "Lil' on the nose, right?"
"Ryuji, stop trying to drag us off-topic."
"But lately when we get on topic, people start threatening me, so-"
"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ann said.
"I'll stop."
"Oh... oh. You... you want him," Mashihara said, his tone dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "The director."
As one, everyone who had enough social skills remaining to be kind of annoyed rolled their eyes (For reference on those who did not, Yusuke was almost incapable of reading vocal tone, Ann was feral, and Futaba immediately grew excited whenever anyone sounded 'conspiratorial') at his tone. It was Makoto who said, "Please stop trying to make it sound dramatic, or I will twist your arm another three centimeters, which will cause at least two bones to snap."
"No, no, keep going! The mysterious director has inspired my passions!" Futaba said with a delighted grin. "Who is this mystery man? What mad artist do we seek? Do you have some like, hidden clues to share?! A disguised map to his hidden volcano lair?!"
"I will break your arm if you indulge her," Makoto said.
"My personal happiness is more important than your arm!" Futaba said.
"... ... ... I think I'm gonna go along with the arm breakin' girl, if that's okay," Mashihara said. "Look, he didn't give me a name or tell me who his company was. He just rented out the main hall for a few days, and asked me ta show you a video when ya showed up to kill him."
"... And you didn't ask his name in any of that?" Ryuji asked.
"He paid in cash."
"Wow. Dude. You suck."
"That's rich coming from you, Sir Talks-a-lot," Ann muttered.
"How was I supposed to know porn psychos like cheeseburgers?!"
"By not! Telling! Secret things! To anyone!"
"Ann, I know that we all hate Ryuji, but this isn't the time. Our nemesis has left a message for us," Haru said delicately.
"I feel like you didn't need to start that with 'we all hate Ryuji,'" Ryuji muttered.
Akira patted him on the shoulder consolingly, and said, "We all do."
"I gotta say, this is the weirdest day I've ever had, and I run an illegal whorehouse," Mashihara said. "But normally when teenage girls hurt someone in here, they're being paid for it."
"May I break all his bones, yet?" Makoto asked.
"Not until we're ready to leave."
"Dammit."
"Anyway, this isn't the first time I hired out my place for casino-porn. It's actually a thriving subgenre. Slut Machine 5: Clitoris Jackpot was filmed here, ya know. I'm still online penpals with the camera guy," Mashihara continued. "But this filming... it was weird. Everyone was actin' all haunted... worse than usual for porn stars, I mean? But they wouldn't stop. Like they were possessed. They needed to finish, no matter what. This porn has a strange an' terrible power."
"... And once again, you didn't say anything? Didn't even ask for their names? Anything? Just for like, basic security? General human decency?"
"They paid cash," Mashihara said once again, opening the door to a room marked 'Porn Room.' "Okay. I'll set up the Porn-o-vision. You go over there, and find the disc marked 'Weird Porn Message.'"
"... You are not a man gifted at choosing names, huh?" Akira asked, as Futaba gleefully skipped over to the cabinet full of questionable material like a kid at a candy store. "Haru, if Futaba tries to take anything out of this room, you have permission to axe her."
"You guys are no fun!" Futaba whined. "Huh, they used a whole DVD for just this message to us? That's weird. ... Also, how did they know to leave a message for us?"
"Ryuji probably told them to," Ann muttered.
"How many times do I have to apologize for that?!"
"ONCE WOULD BE NICE!"
"Well, I found the weird porn message... hehehehehehehehehe."
"She's laughing. Ryuji, why is she laughing?!" Akira asked, panic rising in his soul.
"I don't... oh, for fuck's sake..." Ryuji growled, taking the disc from the manically giggling Futaba and holding it up to reveal a gold-lined DVD case marked:
PhantCum Thieves of Whores (Special Extended Edition)
The Most HARDCORE Cut, for the Most HARDCORE of Fans! Now with 69% More Sex Mice! No Corpses!
"There's. A LONGER VERSION?!" Ann snarled in a tone that would have made an actual panther turn and run.
"How can you have a 'special extended edition' of a five-hour movie?!" Haru shrieked.
"Well, at least the sex mice were quite professional. They really elevated the tone," Yusuke said mildly.
"You said it was going to be a message," Makoto snapped at Mashihara, the bones of his hand making a distinct cracking noise as she squeezed just slightly too hard. "Explain, before I tear you in half."
"I-it is! He said this was a special version made up just fer you guys! The message is at the end of it, like... like a special dedication!" Mashihara squeaked. "Jesus you kids are wound too tight. It's just a porn!"
"That's what I've been saying, but they're all a buncha prudes," Futaba said cheerfully as she loaded her new treasure into the Porn-o-vision, her fingers sticking slightly to the buttons as she started searching for the right scene. "Still, we do need to destroy the director and everything he's ever touched, so I guess we better pick up where we left off. Unless anyone wants to watch the whole thing again?! There might be new footage!"
"And your liver 'might' be ripped out and fed to you if you try to do that, Futaba," Haru said sweetly.
"Y'all are zero fun," Futaba said sadly. "Aaaaand... play!"
"Gasp! You have defeated my sex magic!" Shakechi said, his tone probably meant to be sad. He didn't look sad, because highly advanced video-editing techniques had been used to kind of superimpose a living human face over his corpsely pallor. It was smiling, and saying things that didn't quite match up to the audio. That's the care you get with a special edition. "But can you defeat... the real villain?!"
"Gasp!" Shakira said, and to the new actor's credit, he was at least actually gasping. He was just doing it while weighing about five-hundred pounds and being kinda sticky. "You mean to suggest, perhaps, that there is a villain whom outranks even you?!"
"I am suggesting that!"
"Gasp! But who could it possibly be?!"
"Only the most VIRILE MAN IN ALL OF JAPAN!" screamed a voice from off-camera. "JAPAAAAAAAAN!"
"And here we go again," Akira said, sighing sadly.
"GASP!" the Sexual Thieves said in unison. "It's Shmasayoshi Shshido, Vice Minister of Anal and Anal Accessories for the United Penis Party!"
"Hahahaha, foolish Sexual Thieves! Though I was once restricted to that lowly office, my sensual Japanese manhood has propelled me to new heights! You're now looking at the head of the newly formed ConservaLiberal Cocksucking Party! And soon, Sexual Minister of all JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Shishido declared, thrusting wildly with every motion. He wore nothing but a samurai helmet and a loincloth with the Japanese flag embroidered on it, which everyone vaguely felt wasn't as patriotic as he clearly seemed to think It was. "Also, Shakechi is my son! That's not as relevant to the plot as you'd think, turns out!"
"Especially since Shakechi seems to have just disappeared from the movie. Wasn't he in frame literally five seconds ago?" Makoto grumbled.
"Makoto, as your seriously trying to dissect the plot? Of this?" Ann asked.
"Yeah, that's Haru's job," Ryuji added.
"It's not my fault it's a poorly written script!" Haru snapped. "Yusuke will back me up on this. Yusuke, isn't the plot the worst?"
"Excuse me? I have been pondering a landscape of the main hall of the casino," Yusuke said. "I shall call it 'Grime.'"
"Awwww, you kids are mean. We clean the floors twice a year," Mashihara said sadly.
"That," Yusuke said firmly, "is a lie."
"Well, well, well, Shakira!" Shshido declared, thrusting so vigorously he looked like he was trying to dislocate his spine. "I had thought you were too intelligent to return to face me again. Or have you forgotten the sheer power of my manhood, backed by the infinite force of Japan?! No matter how much sexual power you've attained as a champion of the young people, you can never win a penis duel against a real man! Soon, I will rule all of Japan, and I will finally be able to fulfill my dream of selling all of our teenagers to foreign zoos as lion food! Hehehehe... the thought itself makes me hornier than you can possibly imagine!"
(A claim which was, in fact, completely true and everyone could see it. The loincloth didn't cover much.)
"Oh no... my friends, I cannot defeat him! Though my sexual power has grown thanks to bonding with others and fucking dogs, my sword is still no match for his!" Shakira moaned, oozing slightly. "What can we do against such manhood and patriotism?"
"There is nobody more manly than me, the manly student council president!" Shmakoto declared.
"I DON'T CARE HOW BIG HIS DICK IS, LET ME GET ON MY KNEES AND I'LL SUCK IT SO HARD HIS BRAIN ENDS UP IN HIS FEET!" Shryuji said.
Sharu made a cardboard noise.
Shmorgana said, "Baaaah," and pooped on the floor. Shmorgana's voice said, "Don't worry everyone, I can help too! All dogs secretly lust for you humans and we watch you sleep! EVERY NIGHT."
Shann sighed and went to get her mop.
Shyusuke said, "Wait, who's voicing Shyusuke again? What do you mean it's me? No, I didn't... Christ, fine! Um... something about art. Blah blah. Look, my character is literally dead, I wasn't paying attention."
"Huh," Haru said. "Was... was this meant to be the big moment where the whole team comes together out of friendship to fight their ultimate foe? Because it was... erm... lacking."
"I'm just amused they finally got Yusuke's character right," Makoto said.
"Hm?" Yusuke asked. "I wasn't paying attention."
"Nothing, man. Just noticing that even a broken clock is still right twice a day," Akira said.
"How did you know the clock in my room was broken?" Yusuke asked.
"Hahahaha! You think that your friendship and youthful exuberance can defeat me?!" Shshido roared, tearing off his thong and posing in a most manly fashion. "I possess all the power of Japan, a nation that understands teenagers exist only to be mentally broken into useful slaves or burned to heat office buildings! I have the stamina for a thousand orgies a day, and all the sex toys that the government can buy! Just ask all the orphans in the country! Oh wait, you can't, I ATE THEM."
Ryuji blinked. "Well. I guess they managed to catch Shido's essence. That's... good?"
"Eh," Haru and Futaba said.
"Hahahaha... Shshido, you fool, you never understood the true source of our power!" Shakira said.
"I already told you! There's no way the bonds of friendship or the sexual power of the young people-"
"And I say to you now, that those are not our true power! Our power comes from the only thing greater than sexuality, teenagerness, or even Japan!" Shakira declared dramatically. "Behold, the true power behind the sexual thieves, and the single most perfect omnipotent force in the universe: the great god Yaldabaoth!"
At this point, the only reason nobody threw a shoe at the screen was that everyone, even Yusuke, was staring at the screen with their mouths hanging open in outright shock.
"GREETINGS, MY BELOVED CHILDREN, WHO HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR ME ALL ALONG," said the great god Yaldabaoth, descending from on high in a CGI effect that definitely cost more than the rest of the movie combined, including the bribes to cover up the murders.
"Great god Yaldabaoth!" the Sexual Thieves said in unison (except for Shann and the goat, admittedly). "We are so happy to see you! We love you and accept in our hearts that your brand of perfect order is the only way to save the world! Anyone who would shoot you in the head must be a TOTAL FUCKWAD."
"What. What. What. What," Akira said.
"WORRY NOT, MY CHILDREN. I, THE GREAT GOD YALDABAOTH, WHO YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR ALL ALONG AND WHO IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT, WILL DEFEAT YOUR FOE FOR YOU!" said the Great God Yaldabaoth, casting down the false lord Shshido, who fell to his knees in remorse.
"I'm so sorry, Great God Yaldabaoth! The Sexual Thieves are right to worship and serve you!" he declared.
"Yes, we are!" the Sexual Thieves declared. "We love Yaldabaoth!"
"COME, MY MOST BELOVED SERVANTS. AS A REWARD FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO MY PERFECTION AND HELPING TO BRING ABOUT MY PERFECT RULE OF LAW ON EARTH, YOU MAY ALL PLEASURE YOURSELVES UPON MY SEVEN GOLDEN PENISES," the Great God Yaldabaoth said, extending out seven mechanical limbs from his frame of gold and silver, on the end of the each shining an immaculate golden dildo.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!" the Sexual Thieves said.
Futaba paused the movie.
"You guys," she said, her tone haunted. "I... okay, as great as that last plot twist was from a story perspective I... I think this movie might not be a compliment to us."
"...YA DON'T FUCKIN' SAY?!"