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There's no reason to love any one person completely and selflessly; despite bonds, or even your common, feeble emotions telling you otherwise. Ignore those sensations. They are just nonsensical chemical reactions originating from your brain, ones that are desperately trying to get you to give into the want. Selfish desire is all that matters. Selfless love doesn't exist. This is genuine advice from someone who wants you to stop wasting your time.
I've managed to do it, since a recent event taught me that the best way to love is selfish omni-benevolence. Before I was unsure, but now nothing is going to stop me from loving that way, and only that way, from this moment on.
Yes, I love all of humanity. Everyone in existence, regardless of wealth or origin. It's a pure, wholesome love. No one can hurt me emotionally, and there are no risks involved. Therefore I am both sane and secure, in a perfect little world of my making. Oh, and I'm happy! Very, very happy!
Thank you, dear readers, for bothering to read my bullshit. You've wasted precious seconds of your life doing so. I didn't waste any time writing this. Have fun~!
-From a removed post from a mid-2002 livejournal blog that many teenagers frequented after school. Marked for spam "for not adding to the current discussion". By anonymous, username Kanra.
"Now you have nothing to fear until the end. Follow your selfish desires. Follow your natural instinct. After all, it's easier than being alone."
-A message found scrawled on the wall of a Chicago subway terminal. Believed to be about bonds. Unknown Author.
The old man woke with a start. Blinking rapidly, he discovered that the world was all woozy.
The white walls of their room were pulsating with a too-bright whiteness, and it didn't seem to have a ceiling. In addition, his bed felt like light air. It made him think that he could fall through it at any moment. Looking down, he saw that it was also eerily transparent, and quickly averted his eyes.
It was as if he were in a good dream gone bad, one too surreal to be a proper nightmare.
Except he wasn't asleep. He was sure of had been his reality for years, ever since that terrible moment when he had bonded with the beast and become a monster himself.
His association with Shizuo had destroyed any possible chance of him having a career with the Yakuza, especially when he'd messed with Igarashi and made them targets of the Awakusu-Kai's fury.
They'd almost been killed while running away, forcing them to go into witness protection.
This had culminated in them being sent to a small, rural village in the mountains, to languish away the rest of their days in isolated safety.
Witness protection was boring. So boring in fact, that he had long ago accepted that he would rather be dead. Unfortunately, his cowardliness, coupled with Shizuo's stubbornness, had made that an impossibility.
As for his room...
No, all the strangeness in it was just a sign of his ever diminishing sanity. His age must have finally started deteriorating his mental capabilities.
The beast (not his "soulmate"; never, in that earthly hell) was just beginning to rouse in his own bed across the room, since his loud thinking had disturbed him.
They still hated each other, and had thus wallowed in misery most of their lives. Ever since he had-the protozoan had ruined everything, their whole bond had gone wrong.
Romance had been a sick joke to both of them. So they had instead aimed for being platonic friends. That idea had eventually petered out into a slightly lesser comedic notion. In comparison, it was a pathetic guffaw than the insane laugh that love would've been.
They had tried everything they could think of to fix their relationship, and their bond; from counselling, to using an intermediary to avoid speaking face to face, to sending eachother letters and emails for a cheaper plan. All had failed.
Time had turned them into bitter, smelly, old men. Too tired and aged to do anything but snark at eachother weakly and wet themselves if the nurse did not come on time. The nurse was a free one, a government employee. It was the only benefit their bond gave them, he thought.
Strangely, he had also forgotten what she looked like...
Oh, Shizuo was now fully awake. It was time to suffer his presence again. By far his least favourite part of the day. The beast gave him a death glare at this comment, accompanied by his face inching into a horrible scowl.
Shizuo had long ago lost his strength, making his body revert back to a pitiful state that it hadn't been in since his childhood; freely breaking bones if he exerted it in any way. He himself had only scathingly agreed to look after him, because of the horrific pain they'd both shared.
Waves of hatred spun around him-around them both, as his other half assaulted his mind with sensations of pain and nausea. He didn't say anything, just kept glaring and sending feeling-feeling, feelings.
A Tokyo subway entrance loomed before him, and it was raining...
Then the horrifying pain began. His bones suddenly shattered, and heart seized up, as Shizuo began convulsing. His face stayed eerily frozen in intense hatred, not showing any of the pain they were both feeling.
His hated soulmate was dreaming about something much different from he was; of the time he'd tried to throw a fridge at his little brother.
Shizuo was so little. Barely eleven years old, and breaking all of his bones trying to hoist the heavy thing. Poor boy.
He had to comfort him. But try as he might, he couldn't, because of the pain-
What? But they were old men- Now he was screaming-
He had to comfort him, his bond demanded. He had to.
Shizuo was dying!? Their bond was-
It was the worst pain he had ever felt, even worse than the severing. Their bond was fading, vanishing completely into nothingness.
He began screaming as their shared connection began to fade and their bedroom became warped.
His vision went grey, then white, then bright.
Were they ascending to heaven, or Valhalla, or-
Izaya bolted up in bed, hyperventilating in horror.
Sweating buckets, he felt his body to assure himself that he was real- this reality was real, and that he'd only had a terrible nightmare. Noticing an annoying sensation from his right side, he saw that his arm was forcibly raised in some kind of sling. Immediately realising that it was a medical aid, he stopped trying to force his limb out of it and only used his left.
Then the pain returned and tore through his selfish, sleepy self, dragging him to semi-alertness. Blinking groggily, Izayadirected his gaze to the source of it.
Several people were fussing around a bed a few meters away from him, trying to hold down a flailing Shizuo Heiwajima. He was sending out panicked signals through their bond, very afraid and hurt over something he'd done; probably still stuck in his own sleeping hell of trying to throw a fridge at his brother.
Still weak, and his vision reeling and wavering, Izaya got out of bed and began trying to calm Shizuo; doing it more out of a sense of wanting to get back to sleep and recover, than anything selfless. Like he actually cared for him.
Expecting to only make it a few steps because of the sling, it surprised him when someone unhooked it and helped him move by keeping it close.
Quieten the fuck down, you knucklehead. I want to sleep more. I think they drugged us to make us pliant enough to bearound eachother. Izaya slurred as he stumbled over to Shizuo's bed. The people, dressed in white coats like Shinra did when he pretended to be a doctor, didn't stop him and stood back as if what he was doing was completely natural. The only one who stayed was the person who carried his sling.
Was co-dependency a thing in bonds?
"Izaya, what the fuck? Stop being so loud, so Izaya-like...", Shizuo rasped weakly, finally awake. He was feverishly clammy, and collapsed back in bed after making the effort to speak.
Speak mentally so you don't air your freaky concerns out loud, you dolt. You were having a nightmare and woke me up. We need to get better by sleeping, Shizu-chan. If your protozoan brain can comprehend that. Izaya managed and slumped by the bed, too shattered and tired to go on. The doctors finally helped him up by putting him into a...cot that they must've had on hand. His arm was also re-elevated and locked into place again by another person. He was now closer to Shizuo than he was comfortable with, and it freaked him out-
Ok, ok, ok. God. But only if you do the same and stop fucking ranting and being annoyed at everything. It's keeping m'-us awake. The protozoan dirged mentally as he abruptly blacked out again. His tiredness dragged Izaya back down into sleep.
They did wake up several more times after that, each time as hazy as the last. Both of them just mutually shifted in their respective sleeping arrangements and tried to get back to sleep, their bond directing them together for the best result. Izaya noticed that he could only shift around to the right, and couldn't lie on his stomach, since his hand was still connected and elevated on its stand. However, he was too out of it to complain about his uncomfortable status. Neither of them, thankfully, dreamed again.
The next time Izaya woke up, everything was much clearer. The only caveat was that It still took him a while to fully open his eyes without almost falling back asleep.
When he did, the first thing he saw was a plain, white ceiling, with early morning light streaming across it.
The light was coming from a small, grubby window with animal print curtains at the far end of the room. It was also shut, accounting for why he had woken up so many times that night since he usually slumbered with the window open.
He couldn't tell how much time had passed since they'd been admitted to the hospital, so he tried looking around for any evidence to help figure it out. The first thing he noticed was that no one, very oddly, was in the room with them. He'd thought that since Shizuo was such a beast, the hospital would post an entire swat with them in case he went on a rampage.
Finally spotting a clock on the opposite wall of his low-lying cot, he narrowed his eyes to try to read it. The little hand was slightly over halfway between the clock's lower right numbers, and the big hand was right next to the number that meant three-quarters of an hour. While the smallest hand was ticking and moving...clockwise.
Flopping back to stop his eyes from continuing to follow it, he decided that he was still too tired and out of sorts to bother to decipher what particular time it was. So he went for "really early for Izaya Orihara", and resolved to go back to sleep. He would need the energy anyway, since he would have to later deal with the troublesome lump that was ShizuoHeiwajima.
Groaning, Izaya shifted to the left to make himself comfortable, and was promptly greeted by the sight of a big, stocky arm reaching out towards him. Almost shrieking, he clamped his mouth shut and rolled away from it, deliberately keeping his thoughts quiet in the hopes that the possessor of the arm wouldn't wake up.
Having escaped his unconscious embrace, he saw Shizuo frown as he withdrew and cradled his head; releasing a small puddle of drool from his mouth as he closed it. This made Izaya shut his own mouth firmly and begin breathing through his nose to stop himself from laughing at how cute Shizuo looked in that moment.
He really is a big baby. Aww. If he's such a baby, can he really be a monster? Wait! That means he is a monster baby! That's it! Izaya allowed himself a muffled giggle at his small joke at Shizuo's expense. However he stopped cold when he saw Shizuo's eyes flutter, accompanied by a quiet snuffle, at the intrusion in his mind. That makes him even more adorable...Wait, I need to think quiet, simple thoughts to keep him from waking up. He realised, hurriedly focusing all his efforts on keeping Shizuo asleep since he didn't want to deal with him. It was far too peaceful and serene for him to suffer his soulmates beastly attitude just yet.
That's right Shizu-chan, stay asleep. Izaya thought to Shizuo, sending him relaxing waves and sensations so that he wouldn't wake up. Finally, Shizuo turned over and emitted a snore as his sleep became heavier at the coaxing.
Allowing himself a shallow breath at his victory, he cautiously inched closer to the beast. His mind grew weary as he moved, Shizuo's heavier mind threatening to drag him down back into oblivion-
He couldn't let that happen. He had to do his best to hold his thoughts back without risking Shizuo awakening again.
Ok, now that I'm finally alone, what do I need to discuss with Shizu-chan when we finally have our talk? For one, I need to convince him that me joining the Yakuza is a nonnegotiable thing. Particularly since I've been wanting it for so long, and because it's almost within reach...so what must I do to convince him? Since we're both monsters, can we really be diplomatic about this? We both hate eachother, so maybe we'll just end up fighting one another anyway if it's such a big deal breaker. Maybe I can manipulate his innocent mind again and use his volatile emotions against him. I was already thinking of doing something like that, to try to control him in the future. Shizu-chan is so malleable, like wet clay. It should be easy. Izaya thought frantically, becoming flustered at the prospect of finally having the talk he had promised his soulmate.
I should really be getting more sleep. So I can function better during the day, and put up with Shizu-chan without killing myself...Calm down Izaya. It's only a mindless beast you're getting worried over and it-, he isn't worth it. No. I don't want our bond to be like the one I had in my dream! I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Whether it be mental, physical, or otherwise! And I do not want him to feel pain like that either-for my own sake, not his. Therefore, if Shizu-chan has feelings and a sane mind as a monster, then so do I! I'm Izaya freaking Orihara, I'm not an ingrate monster, I'M ME! He decided heatedly, yelling out in his mind the stunning fact that he was a human and definitely not a monster. It didn't escape him that he wouldn't ever think that if he was more composed and in normal state of mind, and not in the strange fugue caused by feeling Shizuo's sleeping mind or whatever drugs the hospital had given him.
Wait...nononononono- he- we're both the same then. But- he spluttered and reeled from the thought, summarily banishing it to the farthermost corner of his mind he could find when he felt the beast beside him begin to stir.
Izaya, what the fuck? I thought I told you to be quiet and let me sleep. It's too early for this. What time is it? Shizuo'squestioning burst into his head suddenly, but much welcomed. He must've woken him up with his tirade-his thinking.
Shizuo flopped in his hospital bed and narrowed his eyes at him fuzzily, mind still blurry from having just woken up. It made Izaya have to stifle another stutter of laughter, this time at the mundanity of it all.
"Are you trying to pull something? Why won't you tell me the time? Stop laughing at me flea". Shizuo garbled softly, as if his mouth was full of fluff. He didn't bother to speak mentally as he assumed they were alone in the bond suite.
"It's sometime between the five and six, closer to the latter than the former...Shizu-chan, it's almost 6 am". He answered, after taking another shaky look at the clock on the wall; now more able to read it than before, since that his other half was awake. Taking another look around, he noticed that the room was also a lot more shabbier than he'd originally thought. The walls were cracked and peeling in many places, particularly near the corners, and all the furniture in the room, even Shizuo's bed and his cot, had the marked look of poor quality second-hand pieces.
Shizuo swore softly at this news and curled in on himself slightly; knotting his already marred hair even further. He was internally debating on whether or not to get up, and how to treat Izaya that morning without somehow making it awkward...
Oh. Izaya blanked, completely confused on how to respond to Shizuo casually.
Shizuo flinched slightly, as if he'd been stung by Izaya's feeble response, and rolled over to glare at him angrily.
It's too fucking early for this. We'll deal with that later flea...I mean during our talk when we're less drugged and tired, and thus more able to function normally. In the meantime, can't you try to think less complicatedly? It's making my brain hurt, the way you analyse and view everything in your special flea way. Shizuo replied to Izaya quietly. Then a new thought came into his head and he began speculating something softly, too lowly for Izaya to tell what it was. It made him look at him with gently slitted eyes, like he was sizing him for something.
Shizuo suddenly blushed and snickered to himself, thoughts spiralling off into embarrassment and semi-disgust at his idea. He was blaming the bond for whatever urge he was getting, to get closer to his soulmate without-
Shizu-chan, seriously? I don't want to be near to you any longer than I have to. I still hate you, and-Oh!? This is- this is like comfort. Izaya realised, as he felt a wave of longing to be closer to Shizuo come over him. It reduced him to his base instincts-like he was some animal seeking comfort from another. He also felt strangely ashamed, since he had forgotten about the one good part of his bond.
No, I shouldn't use Shizu-chan as an emotional bin. I agreed to that at least. Though, I need- Shizu-chan, is this part of the bond reconnection? This sick want? Izaya asked plainly, as he keenly felt his stomach flip at the warring feelings of hatred and desire they both shared.
Yes it is flea. My parents told me that bond connecting is a turbulent, sensitive, time. Your body wants you to be close to your bonded to make sure that they are real and not absent-it's just some emotional spiel bullshit. Don't worry. Unlike yesterday, I want to avoid getting close to you if I can. Your stink would probably drive me insane if I tried to anyway. Also I shouldn't do it, since your hand is elevated and all... Shizuo replied evenly and wrinkled his nose, trying to assure him that he felt the same way.
At the mention of parents, Izaya felt a brief pang of some ancient hurt he'd thought he had long ago buried under layers of emotional concrete. Fortunately, with a huffing breath and a pointed look at Shizuo (who'd been staring at him with a half worried expression), he managed to banish the old concerns and focus on the present.
However, rather not so fortunately, the feeling made him want to yield to the comforting urge more than ever. Especially as he realised that he hadn't ever had a constant presence like the one the bond had forced on him. Even if it was Shizuo, it was still someone rather than no-one.
The invocation came with a surge of both negative and positive feelings. All unnamable and unmentionable ones that shook him to his very core and made him want to run out of the bland room and far away from Shizuo. It was a similar want to the one that had coursed through him in the warehouse the day before, when he'd first sighted the beast after three days of isolation from him. If he only could, but he was trapped in a cage with the object of all his frustrations...
It made him go into a fraught vacancy. His eyes took on a hollow expression when it hit him that he was both trapped and pinned down in the bond suite, like a science experiment in a laboratory. The situation was something he swore to himself that he wouldn't ever go through, being one of his number one rules that he'd not every wanted to break. Except in his head it had always been the impossibility of prison or juvenile detention- never a bond suite with the company of someone he reviled. The possibility of actually being caught one day in anything, either a bond or a normal arrest, hadn't ever really crossed his mind due to his pride assuring him that he was capable enough to escape whatever such troubles life threw at him.
He'd been wrong-he was wrong. Completely and utterly. Something else for him to despair over as well, was he wrong about everything!? Again, what has he done to deserve this? Punishment for him causing suicides, merely making people jump by exposing them to their own weakness and pushing it on them? Or was it his involvement with criminal elements, the Yakuza-
THE YAKUZA! They were sitting ducks here, especially him with his hand, and had to get out. Had to! Shizu-chan-
Izaya yelped when he heard a taught intake of air and was abruptly lifted up and taken into a warm embrace by a familiar pair of muscular arms, not too far as was obvious the hugger didn't want to risk moving his right arm from its precarious position too much. The gesture was followed by a tired echo of comfort as Shizuo plastered his mind against his.
Calm down Izaya. God you're such a drama queen...I was hoping to avoid doing this, then you just began silently panicking despite me telling you to quieten it down. This should help, my mom told me that close contact with my dad always relaxes her when she's stressed. I guess there's no chance of us going back to sleep now, huh. Shizuo rambled evenly, making an effort to get Izaya to relax.
Sleep? How can you worry about such a banal thing at a time like this? Shizu-chan, the Yakuza will try to kill us both-Izaya snapped back, split between moving out of the monsters toxic grip or staying, because it was calming him down.
Over a fucking joke like Igarashi? Izaya, we didn't even do anything to harm any of their operations. Wasn't the idiot trying to pathetically usurp his higher ups? They should actually be thanking us for making him scamp. Shizuo said back and shushed him.
It worked in stopping Izaya from worrying for all of five seconds, then he remembered some details of the bust itself. The one that had gone on before he'd messed up his interview with Igarashi and Shizuo had come storming into the warehouse.
Look, you don't understand Shizu-chan. He began slowly, only to clench his jaw and resolve to continue on more seriously when he saw Shizuo roll his eyes in response and hold him looser to relax the length from his arm stand.
I'll explain it all in greater detail later, but you need to understand how the Yakuza recruitment works when it comes to informants. It has very strict, albeit unspoken, guidelines. I had to work very hard to get my chance with Igarashi, and prove to him that I had no prior law enforcement connections at all. Now that I've- we've destroyed my chance the way we did, they're going to come after us now that the police and government are involved in processing our bond. They'll think that we deliberately led them on- Igarashi mentioned a last incident that I'm going to research as soon as we're out of here, even if it was all a big misunderstanding. Also, there is a large gang war going on, Igarashi isn't the only one trying to climb higher up the Awakusu-Kai's ranks by taking advantage of the situation. I am not as aware of what's going on as I should be, that's why I was trying to get in so I could oversee the whole frame of betrayals and whatnot. When I initially arrived, they were getting rid of bodies! That's the level we are dealing with Shizu-chan! He finished hysterically, and firmly decided on wheedling out of Shizuo's grasp to flop back into his cot, breathing heavily now that he was finally free.
What the fuck? No, not now. Don't worry flea, we'll talk about everything after they've debriefed us and we're alone in this cheap ass room. They'll still be monitoring us but we can speak mentally, under bond law. Actually, during our talk I'll tell you all about bonds and my strength, and you'll tell me about Valhalla and the Yakuza. Deal? I can tell you're interested. Shizuo asked him readily, giving him a small smile to show that he was being genuine.
Ok that's all right...wait! I forgot about my hotel room! It has most of my phones, and my m-Anko's wallet, and my bondbooks. I need to-
Shh, You can tell the bond doctor or hospital personnel when they eventually come to check on us. For now, we should just be focusing on recovering. Actually, why hasn't someone come in to check on us? Bond suites are meant to be staffed 24/7. Are they really that neglectful..? Anyway, don't be an idiot flea. It doesn't suit you. I thought I was the idiot, the "protozoan"-I didn't even bother researching anything about hospitals or whatever, even when my parents drilled the importance of proper bond care and handling into my head. That's means I'm the idiot, OK? You're going to need to besmart like I know you are, since this hospital is likely to be testing my patience in the coming days. I mean, look at this room- the pitiful excuse of a "bond suite" they've forced us into. It proves that they have bad standards and are full of shit. Do you think the board is more corrupt than the Yakuza? Than even an international criminal agency, if the quality oftheir bond suite is this low? Then again they might just be having problems with funding, due to Yakuza pressure. Maybe we should rescue them? I'm pretty sure I could become a superhero with my strength. Shizuo joked. His smile became wry as he accompanied it with an image of himself in tight spandex with a red cape, in a suit that mimicked supermans. He even had tights, for gods sake!
Izaya couldn't help but snicker at this sight, his mood brightening, even though it was because of a joke involving the Yakuza. Shizuo laughed along with him and smirked at having succeeded in his goal to make his soulmate feel better.
He- Shizuo did actually care about him? In spite of everything he'd done to him? All the suffering and jeering that he deserved as a monster? That he himself now deserved in return?
Maybe I am wrong about something else-, about you. You're so funny, even when you don't need to be- Izaya started ashamedly, resolving to do what was right only to be interrupted by the door bursting open at the worst possible moment.
"I'm so sorry for leaving you alone and unobserved. My shift was due to begin at 6am, but the previous doctor was having trouble signing out because someone was trying to sneak in and no one was watching you directly for a few minutes... Forget it- my name is Dr Watari and I'm forgetting my manners around patients it seems, especially bonded ones. It would better if you both got up now rather than later, as it's best for those in a bond to spend some time awake with eachother during reconnection. This is especially important during the first 48 hours of it, and in such a unique case as yours. Also you-, Izaya is it?, need to keep your arm raised for the next twenty four hours. You had to go into surgery immediately after coming in...So stay in your cot until then.". The doctor- Watari said apologetically as he bustled in.
"I also need to debrief you; explain what's going on and how your bond is going to be handled. But first of all, do you want something to eat? Your parents and friend- Shinra, told me that apparently neither of you have eaten since yesterday morning. If there's one thing, just one thing this hospital has above all others, is that it damn well makes sure that the quality of its food is always great. So, to reiterate, do either of you want any breakfast?". He finished punctually, having been precise enough to not give an opening for either of them to talk.
Both he and Shizuo blinked rapidly for a few moments in order to process the intrusion into their formerly quiet sanctum, also attempting to adjust to the fact that their bond was seemingly going to be scrutinised and processed now that they were in a capable hospital. Thankfully, Shizuo managed to get himself together enough to smile at the doctor and tell him that' "of course we'd love some breakfast, please bring in whatever you have on hand", in his "uncaring about choice, tonot harass the people who were so kind to offer it in the first place" way.
This prompted Izaya to quickly butt in before Dr Watari left, so he'd actually get what he wanted for breakfast without Shizuo's random approval.
"Sorry, can you please bring in some grilled tuna if that's possible? Instead of any other grilled fish. And a-, (he'd been just about to say a fried egg mixed with some seasoned chicken and rice, but back down when he received a mental glare from Shizuo and decided on something else) I mean some toast"? He finished with a questioning tilt, inferring that he'd only changed his mind due to his bonded's meddling.
"I'll see what I can do! Please make yourselves comfortable. Today is going to be a long day since we have to register your bond within twenty four hours of your admittance. This is due to this being your second reconnection, according to bond law." Dr Watari stated factually and left, white coat swirling behind him.
Izaya's mood improved at the news of breakfast, only for it to be dampened when he heard Shizuo groan and his mind slump after Dr Watari had fully left the room.
What's wrong? I know you were angry at me trying to specifically order breakfast, but that shouldn't be enough for you to into a full-blown fury Shizu-chan. Are you really that angsty? he started, surprised that he had a brief spot of concern for his enemy.
It's not that. Though you really should be more respectful to the hospital flea. It isn't a five-star hotel, it's a medical institution that's horribly understaffed and underfunded, judging from this bond suite. I should also be more respectful and shouldn't joke about them. Most hospitals have this sort of bond suite, because bonds are so rare. Meaning the standards of their suites are rarely inspected. No, what I'm really angry about is the fact that we might have to go through a full bond exam today and we're both tired and feel like shit...Shit! I'm going to go to the bathroom to cool off and take a shower. He grumpily swore and got out of bed, swerving slightly but managing to avoid crushing it by barely keeping his strength in check.
Before he entered the small, grimy looking bathroom, he twirled around as he'd realised he'd forgotten to ask Izaya something.
You wanna use it after me flea? I'll try to keep some warm water for you if you want to. I'm sure I could carry you in and you could shower if you're careful with your arm. Don't let hospital dictate the rules for you. They are, and always will be, full of shit when it comes to that. Especially with you having some of my strengths vitality. He added and swallowed, unsure if he should've bothered Izaya by asking at all than letting him decide for himself if he wanted to take a shower or not.
Izaya paused at this seemingly considerate offer, and briefly mulled over it. Deciding on whether or not to accept was a big thing, since it was his first, true domestic situation as a monster. Many would also come after and he wasn't sure if he was ready yet to-
If you're going to handle every basic interaction with me as if it's some philosophical debate, then I'm just going to ahead and assume the answer to my question is "yes" and I'll just dump you in a still running shower without any provocation. Please don't have another existential breakdown while I'm in the shower, Izaya. Shizuo deadpanned and headed inside.
Wait! Izaya blurted out.
Shizuo turned back to him expectantly, raising an eyebrow in a questioning motion.
I uh-, thank you for offering Shizu-chan, but I really think I should heed the doctor's advice. You really need to learn how to trust hospitals again, and stop being afraid of them. Watari is a trained medical professional, and would have me bathed according to procedure, while Shizu-chan is a dumb beast that would certainly break my body if he handled me in a shower. He joked simply, with no malicious intent.
Weirdly, Shizuo only nodded lightly and closed the bathroom door behind him gently instead of violently. His head was a swarm of warm, concurrent feelings and thoughts that made Izaya's own go soft.
Shizuo was deliriously happy, over the fact that he'd finally had a normal conversation with his hated soulmate. It bewildered Izaya that his beastly companion actually cherished such mundane, everyday things, as if each were an invaluable, apparently irreplaceable, treasure. Maybe monsters remembered each basic interaction with a human, since it reminded them of their own lost humanity.
Izaya snorted at this and focused on sitting up without wobbling, making sure to keep his arm up in place per the doctor's advice. Shizuo was still too busy showering, and it muddled his mind from listening in on his thoughts.
He decided to use the opportunity to inspect the rest of the room, rather than continue to hone in on his bonded in some creepy way. It was an endeavour of boredom, as he abhorred doing nothing.
The room had four walls, a single floor, and about 7 pieces of furniture (Shizuo's bed, his cot, two plain wooden chairs, a small dresser, a bookshelf, and last, and by every means least, a low table with two rather threadbare tatami mats; presumably their eating area while incarcerated). Izaya studied each piece thoroughly, noting their various deformities and flaws. All in all, they were cheap and badly made items, put together in an utterly tasteless arrangement. Ergo, It was the sort of room that he'd be ashamed to be found dead in, by either Shizuo's, or the Yakuza's, whims.
The bookcase had the few points of any interest. It mainly contained books on various academical subjects, mostly bond specific ones-like bond health, but also had a few literature classics. The selection gave Izaya a lot of reading to do to pass the time in the dull cell. He also liked it because since it was guaranteed to annoy Shizu-chan, since so few of the books were the sort that Izaya knew he'd like. There were a few modern novels in the lowest row, but they al looked like romance novels. It meant that Shizuo would have to ask the hospital for his own books, and it would take a while for them to deliver, so Izaya would get to rub it in his face that he had entertainment, while he didn't.
This is fantastic! All I have to do is ask for my laptop and phones, and I'll be all set to start working! Being productive is all I have left now, but I'm still bored soooo... He mused, deciding to make a second inspection, as there was nothing else to do.
Just as he had finished it, after making the discovery that the bookshelf also had books on bond intimacy, Shizuoemerged from the bathroom. Towelling his hair and smelling clean, he came in shirtless, having forgone it because it stank of sweat. This let Izaya see he was rather muscled, at least in a purely casual way. This was because Shizuo had never worked out at a gym, but instead become physically fit from all the running and fighting he'd done over the years. Evidently, it was also enhanced from all the chases he'd had with Izaya in the past month. Making him imagine that it felt more hard than supple.
Izaya quickly shut his thoughts down before they could stray too far into a direction he was uncomfortable with, and pointedly ignored the odd look Shizuo gave him in response.
Shizuo heeded his silence and let the matter drop, settling for making his bed and sitting cross-legged on top of it to wait for their breakfast. He regarded Izaya with a guarded expression, avoiding meeting his eyes at all.
Izaya inwardly cursed at himself for allowing the awkwardness between them to precipitate. He needed to break the ice again somehow, or their bond would be uncomfortable and unbearable. Like being stuck in an overly warm room without an AC.
That couldn't happen. It would be like yesterday, or the dream he had...No, he'd already suffered by himself when he'd been in the hotel room during their 3 day separation. The bond had, and it had been partly his fault as well for not doing anything to stop it, put him through hell due to its separation condition.
Don't think about that, or dwell on the past Izaya. Just don't. Izaya decided and took a deep breath to clear his lungs. Then he turned away from Shizuo and hid his face in his pillow. Doing so, because he didn't want to face the others remorseful brown eyes.
Already far more relaxed than he had ever been in the past week, he sighed and curled around himself in the rigid comfort of the scruffy hospital blankets. Although it was odd, he felt better at that moment than he'd ever had in his entire life. Shizuo was keeping his end of the bond quiet, being able to sense Izaya's emotions but ensuring that his own did not intrude too loudly during the impassable stalemate. He cherished it for what it was.
It's because I'm whole now, having Shizu-chan near. He is my soulmate, and everything that comes with it. I guess. He thought dazedly, as he randomly flexed his left fingers just to break the monotony of not doing anything in the awkward silence.
Huh. Why do I feel so passive about this fact in particular? I must've had too many earth shattering revelations to really care anymore. He huffed, burying a sarcastic laugh. There's probably more on the way...
Izaya...Shizuo intruded gently.
The door opening, after a shallow knock, caught their attention and forced their minds apart.
Izaya allowed a snicker at this. Yet another interruption, another sudden postponement of facing his feelings. He was both grateful and mortified. Half of him wanted an endless stay from dealing with his mental troubles, while the other yearned to just get it over with.
Anyway, he was about to get something that made him childishly excited, far more than he should be. Finally his, and more importantly, the beasts growling stomachs would be settled. The noise had been getting annoying, despite him doing his best to ignore it.
Breakfast was served.