"If you don't tell me right now then I am leaving." Emma threatened Miss. Peregrine bluntly.
"What are you talking about?" Miss. Peregrine inquired, trying not to blow up. She decided to play her best card: ignorance.
"We both know that you know what I mean." Emma told her, quickly losing what patience she had left. Miss. Peregrine turned around and for the briefest of moments, Emma thought that she was going to walk out of the room, instead, she closed the door, when the knob clicked, Miss. Peregrine turned back around.
"No, I do not know what you mean. Tell me." Miss. Peregrine told her, as she rested her hands onto her hips, a defensive posture.
"I mean, that something's going on with you that I know you rather not talk about, but Miss. Peregrine, we're worried about you."
"Come here," Miss. Peregrine indicated to the bed, they both sat: Emma sat one leg beneath her, her legs making the shape of a '4' and faced Miss. Peregrine whose leg crossed over the other and she asked, "who is 'we'?" clearly, Miss. Peregrine was oblivious to this new found information.
"All of us, I knew that something was wrong when you slammed the door in Mr. Stewart's face yesterday which was completely unlike you and when I asked you about the window, you panicked and shut me out. But I know that whatever it is, it goes deeper than that." Emma paused wondering if she should continue, "Horace told us about the night terrors, he said that he can hear you crying out at night and sometimes you wake up mumbling our names then you check on us. Why?" Emma laid all of her cards out on the table and was genuinely concerned for her mother.
Miss. Peregrine, who had been listening rather very intently, took a large sigh, clearly, she didn't want to talk about it and was hoping that she was putting on a good enough show that her children wouldn't notice, but as it turned out, it didn't work out that way.
"When F…" Miss. Peregrine licked her lips, "when Fiona died," she closed her eyes, the words tasting like acid after chewing on a razor blade, "I tried to do everything I could to be there when you all needed me. I just wanted to make sure that I was the motherly figure that you needed, the mother that you deserved…making sure that there were no monsters under the bed or in the closet for Olive and Claire, making sure you were all safe and protected, that when you cried and screamed in the middle of the night that I was there to tell you that your going to be just fine and that you're loved, and just being there when you needed me.
"It isn't easy and I know that I can be overbearing at times and that's why: I'm terrified to lose another child, mentally, I'm breaking, emotionally, I'm falling apart and I know that there are no more Wights or Hollows but I'm still afraid for your sakes. I'm trying so hard because I know that you only deserve the best, but sometimes I feel like my best is nowhere near good enough. I love you," Miss. Peregrine corrected herself, "I love you all, and I wish that there is more that I can do, I wish that there was more I could have done for Fiona and Victor, I think of what could have become of Fiona and Hugh, and I worry about Bronwyn, wondering if she blames me, I would, I would hate me. Every day, I think of Victor and Fiona, that they should be here instead of me, and every moment I wish that they were and that there was something else I could do, but I can't…and that that's what tears me up inside…I just…it's never enough." she let out a choked sob.
"Miss. Peregr…momma…" Emma grabbed a hold of her mother and hugged her, tears begun to stream down both of their faces, she held her mother wishing the pain and doubt away. Willing it to leave as Miss. Peregrine was the best mother to Emma, after all, Emma celebrated her birthday on the day she met Miss. Peregrine as that was the day that she met her true mother, biological or not, Alma LeFay Peregrine was Emma's mother and if anyone were to say any different, they can be damned.
"You are good enough, you're perfect, believe me. I know how hard you try and it shows. I know that you work so hard to make sure that we know that everything is going to be okay and that we know that we're loved without a doubt." Emma whispered in Miss. Peregrine's ear. "I know that you only want the best for us and I want you to know that your best is perfect, it's never lacking and it isn't too much. I love you, momma."
Miss. Peregrine let the words sink in, held Emma for a few moments longer and, finally, let her go, still holding her at an arm's length. She looked at Emma in the eye, there, in those eyes was nothing but truth and love, and Miss. Peregrine smiled a real smile. Her tears were no longer of sadness and of being shattered into a million pieces only to drop again and be ground into a fine dust, they were tears of happiness. She let the words sink and cried 'golden tears'.
"I love you, too." Alma told her as she wiped a tear off of Emma's face using the pad of her thumb. Emma gave Miss. Peregrine another hug, this one not lasting as long as the previous, as this was more one of reassurance. "I'm so glad I decided to skip wearing makeup today." Alma told her and they both began to laugh.
When the talking ended, they sat in a companionable silence. The weight in the room wasn't heavy like that of the kitchen only a few hours before breakfast. They talked about odds and ends, and what was for dinner, but the one thing that Miss. Peregrine avoided talking about was her trip to Mr. Stewart's.
Miss. Peregrine took her pocket watch out, she knew that it was dated and that most people wore watches on their wrists but never could she let go of the fondness that she had with her watch and it gave her a smug sense of self satisfaction, she didn't know why, but it did. She pried the watch open using her nail, digging it all the way to the quick as the watch had become difficult to open and looked at the time.
Miss. Peregrine forgot that she was to send Hugh and Jacob to the neighbor that she dared not speak of, for if she did, she ran the risk of adrenaline pumping in her veins, euphoria over exciting her and a sudden fear and dread characterized by 'butterflies in her stomach'. Miss. Peregrine wondered if Hugh felt the same when his bees flew around. She didn't know why she experienced this, but she thought it better than to overthink as she thought she'd have another breakdown and see more Almas. So, she pushed those thoughts from out of her brain and focused on her children.
"Oh, no…I forgot about Hugh and Jake." She told Emma as she got to her feet and begun to walk out of the bedroom. "And Emma dear?" Miss. Peregrine began as she turned around at the threshold, Emma looked up. "Thank you." She told her charge, a smile on either of their faces.
"Your welcome, Miss. P." she told her as Emma reached for her lunch tray. To which, Miss. Peregrine walked out and shut the door behind her as she bit her lip and went to find Hugh and Jacob.