Hey Everybody! *Waves Hi* Hope you all are doing well.
Making myself spend more time on the story to make up for all the waiting I made you guys do... :)
Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I do not. Coldplay owns Shiver, not me.
Now on to Shiver...
Enjoy!
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And on and on
From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side, just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care
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Winter was finally starting to kick in here in Forks. Tiny white snowflakes were drifting all around me as I walked over to Dr. Clearwater's office.
Shivering, I pulled my coat closer around me. I was feeling pretty confident, and happy...after Charlie's birthday party I was positive it would only be a matter of time before Bella would trust me again, before she would let me completely back into her life. At least that's what I hoped.
Dr. Clearwater's secretary gave me a warm smile when she saw me pull open the doors to the lobby. She was cradling her phone on her shoulder and just waved me on into Dr. Clearwater's office without saying anything to me.
I knocked quickly before opening the door. Dr. Clearwater was holding a thick book in his hands; he looked up in surprise at me as I entered.
"Mr. Cullen! You're early. Come in and have a seat, I was just catching up on some reading."
I smiled at him in greeting, making my way over to my familiar spot, shaking off my coat and folding it over the chair before I sat down.
"Looks like we're in for a snow storm soon." Dr. Clearwater furrowed his brows, looking out the window watching the snow fall.
"I heard on the news it's suppose to hit hard tonight." I nodded, raising my eyebrows in agreement with his words.
"Well let's hope it isn't that bad..." Dr. Clearwater pondered. He shuffled some papers around on his desk and then picked up his clipboard; he looked up at me with a warm smile. "How are you today?"
"Pretty good," I answered honestly, "I've been spending more time with my family, it's going better than I imagined."
"Sounds wonderful...how is your family doing?"
"They're fine; Bella is talking to me more..." I leaned forward in my chair eager to share, "Charlie is just incredible...and my parents, they're going to be celebrating their 30th anniversary next weekend. They're having this big party over at the Marriott hotel; they rented the hall and everything..."
"30 years...That's quite an accomplishment...my congratulations to them both." Dr. Clearwater nodded at me his smile never leaving his face, "Will you be attending?"
"Yes, my mother wouldn't have it any other way," I chuckled...
"With your wife? Son?" Dr. Clearwater glanced down, he scribbled something really quick down on his clipboard without looking at me.
"Uh...Well...I hope so...I haven't asked her yet. I know Bella helped my mom with the planning so I am sure she is going to be there."
"Well be sure to ask her..." He finally looked at me, "Soon..."
I tilted my head to the side at his words, it was almost as if he knew something I didn't, "I'm going with them to the park later this afternoon, weather permitting." I frowned at him, still puzzled, "I was planning on asking her if she would like to go with me then."
Dr. Clearwater gave out this little humming noise, not really saying anything else about Bella or my parent's party. I was just about to ask him what he was thinking when he picked up this green folder off of his desk and opened it.
"I was just looking over some of your projects," he pulled a couple of papers out of the folder, "things you were working on before your brother passed..."
Now I really frowned at him...where did he get those?
"I understand you were in contract with EMI record label a few years ago, and were quite successful there."
I just nodded at him, not sure what he was getting at or why he was bringing this up...I hadn't worked for two years and had no intention of going back any time soon.
"Mr. Cullen," Dr. Clearwater put his papers down and looked at me, "I think it's time we revisited the workforce..."
I swallowed hard and slowly shook my head at him. I wasn't ready...nowhere near ready...
"Mr. Cullen..." Dr. Clearwater spoke slowly as if he were trying not to startle me, "do you remember when I asked you to try and create music again...how is that going?"
"Uh..." I just started looking everywhere but at him, it hit me just then where he was going with this and it threw me for a loop because I hadn't even given my job a second thought...not one fucking thought since Em had died.
"Yes?" he urged me on.
"It's going..." I shrugged, "Okay."
"Well good...have you written anything new?"
Just Bella's songs...I thought...just those two..."No." I shook my head, but Dr. Clearwater could see right through me.
"Are you sure? What about that nice tune you were humming the other day? I rather liked it..."
I was trying hard not to freak out...really...but it was getting hot in here and music...I really couldn't see myself doing that again...at least not publically...
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"Oh my God Edward! I'm so proud of you!" Bella was hanging over my shoulder reading the contract with me clapping and squealing.
I was just grinning...super cocky as always. You see, I was holding in my hands a contract from EMI records...it was a contract to be a songwriter for their recording artists...to be on their songwriting team.
Bella starting jumping around me...our wedding was just three months away and this was the icing on the cake.
I had submitted a few songs to different record labels right after I graduated from college, I wasn't a singer, although I could sing when I had to, it wasn't my first love...My first love was and always had been, songwriting...writing the lyrics and chords...I always wrote the music for the guitar first, and then added the keyboard and drums after. Of course once the artist had the song in their hands they could do whatever they wanted with it...
Anyways I sent out my work hoping that I would be able to get my foot in the door to one of the record labels...I was willing to do anything really...studio work...band work...mopping the floors if I had to.
I never imagined a company would just come right out and offer me a contract to write songs...I never thought it would be this easy...
But it was...my songs appealed to a few major alternative rock bands, they thought my songs were meditative and romantic, and after the fifth song I had written that went number one for the recording artist, Bella and I bought our first house...that's when I had the spare room remodeled...turned it into a music room.
I still remember the night I came home with that pretty little piece of paper stating that my latest song Shiver had reached number one...Bella was ecstatic and quite the little vixen in the bedroom later on that evening.
She had on this pretty red lacy thing that barely covered anything...which didn't bother me one bit...
"Sooo..." she whispered, hovering over me, her long brown hair tickling my bare shoulder, "I feel like I'm sleeping with a rock star..."
I just chuckled and let my hands slide down her back and rest on her bottom. "Oh, so you want a rock star now...do you?"
She just giggled and placed these tiny kisses along my earlobe, "No...not just any rock star...my rock star..."
I just hummed against her...her kisses were distracting me...making me forget what I was going to say...making me hard...
I started pulling her down close, eager to explore all this gorgeous softness in front of me. Her hands tangled up in my hair as her mouth met mine, everything about her was hot...hot and urgent, and once I had a taste of all that hotness I couldn't control myself anymore.
My hands were everywhere, traveling up along her rib cage to her breasts, cupping them in my palms, squeezing gently before sliding down her stomach lingering playfully right near her navel. She just kept right on kissing me, fisting my hair in her hands, her pink thighs straddling my waist, my dick was pressed right near her bottom, she shifted just slightly letting out this sexy groan as she moved against me...she already wanted me, I could feel her wetness against me, it just made my dick throb harder and my fingers twitched, wanting to start to dig into her skin.
I let my hand stroke her gently at first, my fingertips feather light right near her entrance, she just gave out these tiny little pants and grinded herself against me harder...it was taking all my willpower not to pick her up from her hips and impale her right down on me.
"Ready for your Rock Star baby?" I whispered still pressed against her lips, she just plunged her tongue into my mouth in reply with a low moan.
I think I was holding it under control pretty well until she bit me...that sent me over the edge. She had taken my lower lip in her mouth and was pulling on it softly with her own until I felt her teeth sink into me so full of wanton, that I just lost it.
This animalistic grunt rose in my throat and I let go completely, my hands traveling right to her entrance. I plunged my fingers into her over and over again. Her breath hitched sharply at my actions and she had to let go of my mouth because I was making her gasp and shake...still I kept my hand moving in and out of her until I thought I would burst...all I wanted to do was bury myself in her wet warmth and make her come with me.
Finally when I thought I couldn't last a second longer I pulled my fingers out of her, causing her to shiver and gasp again. She let out this protesting whimper, as her body ground against mine...she didn't protest for long though because I just grabbed her bottom and lifted her up, bringing her down on top of me...she enveloped me in one quick, swift stroke, making me gasp for breath. I just lied completely still for a few seconds knowing that if either one of us moved I was going to shoot right into her before we got a chance to get started.
Her body fell forward against mine and she rested her forehead down on my shoulder, her breathing still erratic. I took a few more deep breaths, then, once I knew I could hold it again, my hands found their way to her hips, slowly at first, I urged her to move over me. She let out another soft moan at my actions and began rotating her hips, moving just a little faster with each thrust. When I knew she was close, and it didn't take long at all, my hands left her hips and traveled back up to her breasts, forcing her to sit upright. She let out another shaky gasp and her head fell back, her eyes closed, chin tilted to the ceiling. She was a breathtaking sight…completely gorgeous; I kept caressing her breasts and using my thighs to push upward against her.
"Come on baby...can you feel it?" I rose my body up again to meet hers, my fingers pulling on her nipples.
She just gave out another tiny whine, her hands resting on my chest, her hips grinding against me harder.
"Do you want to come baby? Do you want to come with me?" I pushed up again knowing that I was already there...I was going to come now...
"Please..." her voice was thick..."Please Edward...please..."
The way her voice was begging me sent a shiver right through me, I heard myself grunt again, and I pushed up with all the force I could convene.
"Oh! Uh!" her body convulsed and collapsed over mine. I could feel myself pour into her, my hands moving down and holding her lower body tightly against me...it was just so overwhelming, the whole world disappeared at that moment. We stayed in that position until our breathing leveled out, her head resting on my shoulder softly until finally, she tilted her head up, her eyes glowing under the dim lights. She didn't say anything but placed a gentle, loving kiss on my jaw before snuggling up with me, letting me stay inside her until we both fell asleep...
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When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
The snow was falling harder now…a storm was coming for sure. I watched the large white puffs fill the air and swirl around my window. I was at my desk, but instead of working I was watching the snow fall outside. I glanced down at the paper in front of me…the words stared up at me for the longest time…and I put my pencil down because I couldn't think of anything else to say…
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"Hi." Bella's smile lit up her whole face as she opened the door for me, "Come in before you freeze!"
I stepped inside the doorway feeling the warmth of the house surround me, "Thanks, it's pretty chilly out there."
"I didn't realize it was going to snow so hard today. I don't think we should take Charlie out in this weather." Bella closed the door behind her and turned to face me, "He's still napping, I guess the winter air is making him sleep in."
"I was going to suggest that he stay indoors, the park was bare when I walked by it this morning." My eyes traveled from her face down her neck, she was wearing this long sleeve V neck top that showed her perfect, delicate collarbones. I had to force myself to look back up into her eyes. She was watching me with her head tilted, this pretty smile...almost a knowing smile...dancing on her lips.
"Want some hot chocolate?" Those plump pink lips were moving, "Edward? I was just about to make some hot chocolate...want some?"
"Hmm?" I forced myself to focus, "Wha? Oh...yes...please."
She smiled again and waved me over to one of the stools while she busied herself in the kitchen. I watched her silently, slightly worried about my lack of self control. I swore there was this unspoken sexual tension flowing through the air between us and I wasn't sure if either of us was ready for that yet. Still...my body reacted to her smile...her sweet gestures...that look in her eyes.
I shifted in my stool uncomfortably, trying to adjust myself without her catching me.
"So, what would you like to do instead?" she handed me my cup, her voice bright and cheerful.
I just inwardly groaned...I knew exactly what I would like to do...but that didn't involve hot chocolate...or Charlie...or clothing for that matter...
"Whatever you suggest is good by me." I took my cup from her hands, making sure I didn't touch her, the way my mind was in the gutter; I definitely couldn't handle touching her yet.
"Well why don't we move to the living room until Charlie wakes up...there's a few home movies Ja...uh...I recorded that I haven't watched yet. Would you like to see them?" Her eyes left mine and she walked around the counter wiping her hands awkwardly on her jeans before picking up her mug of chocolate.
If there was one way to instantly get my mind out of the gutter Bella had certainly found it, I just pretended I didn't hear her almost mention his name and rose to follow her over to the next room.
I knew I shouldn't have...I should have behaved like a proper gentleman and sat down on one of the single chairs she had there...but after almost hearing Jake's name, I was pissed, so I purposely sat down next to her...right next to her.
She didn't shift away from me, much to my delight, but she didn't seem to acknowledge my nearness either...she just grabbed the remote off the leather ottoman in front of us and began fiddling with the buttons.
"I can never remember which one works the DVD player." She let out this forced laugh, still pushing on remote shaking it slightly, I guess with frustration.
"It's the blue one..." I reached over without really thinking about it, my mind was still on Black, "The blue one works the DVD and red one is the satellite box."
My hand closed over a few of her fingers and she pulled her hand away from mine as if she touched fire.
"Oh..." she fumbled with her words, nearly dropping the remote, "Yeah... the blue one, that's right." She began jabbing at it with more force than needed.
I mentally shook my head at her, trying to collect my thoughts, my hand still tingling at touching her.
"Ok...here we go..." she finally placed the remote back down and took a careful sip of her drink. Her eyes wouldn't budge from looking down at her cup, not even when I placed my own empty cup down, purposely scooting just a tiny bit closer to her.
She kept her cup in her hands, her fingers wrapped around it tightly, her body rigid. I wasn't sure how to get her to relax, or even if I could. It was starting to make me nervous.
Charlie's happy grin suddenly appeared on the screen and we both looked up at the same time. I had to smile at that infectious grin looking back at me and so did Bella. We watched with a few chuckles as different scenes appeared before us...Charlie eating squash for the first time, and then spitting it all out...Charlie crawling across the carpet...Charlie taking his first steps...I watched it all with great fascination, seeing my son grow before my eyes.
Finally after a while the screen went fuzzy and I thought that the DVD had ended, I turned to Bella, smiling at her in thanks for allowing me to share this with her, when another scene flashed across the screen.
It was old...Charlie was only just an infant...weeks old...and I remembered this one, because I had been there...I had been the one holding the camera...and Bella...she was cradling our son in her arms singing to him softly...
"I'll wait for it
If you go, if you go
And leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you"
My heart leapt to my throat at the sight and I could hear Bella suck in her breath at the same time. We didn't move, just sat there silently and watched. It felt heavenly to hear her sing again. The scene lasted only minutes but it felt like hours.
"I forgot that was on there." Her tone was really hushed and strained, it tore at me…I wanted to take away that pain I heard in her voice.
"He's beautiful," I turned my body to face her, my eyes searching hers, "And so are you…you always have been…"
She just stared at me, and I could see it in her eyes…she wanted to trust me…to believe in me…but there was still something she needed from me first, and I hadn't given it to her yet.
That didn't stop me from reaching up and stroking her cheek softy with the back of my hand, I just wanted to let her know how much she meant to me, tried to show her that somehow.
She closed her eyes for a minute, almost as if she were savoring that moment and then took in another breath and slowly pulled away, "I better check on Charlie…" she whispered.
Only I didn't want her to leave, so I let my hand travel down her shoulder and arm until my I closed my fingers over her own. She just watched me painfully, trying to blink back her unshed tears, "Don't leave baby…" I pleaded, not letting her go, "Stay with me…please?"
"Edward…" her voice broke, "Don't do this…not here…not now…"
But I had to try…my heart wouldn't take no for an answer, and I leaned closer to her…so close I could feel her breath on my lips and see tiny flecks of gold in her eyes. She didn't try to stop me; I could feel her hand tremble a bit as I got closer.
My lips brushed over hers ever so lightly, I didn't want to hurt or scare her any longer…all I wanted to do was make her feel…I kept my face next to hers, ghosting my lips across her cheek and down the hollow of her neck. Her scent was making me dizzy with want and when she shivered, letting out this tiny whimper, tilting her head down as if to get closer to me, it just made me roar with desire. I slid my hand out of hers and around her waist pulling her body so that it was nearly on top of mine, bringing her forward into the circle of my arms, my other hand snaking up her back and into that glorious mane, feeling the silkiness of her hair flow through my fingertips.
My lips finally made contact with the sweet skin on her neck, and the way she sucked in her breath just reminded me of all those times we had made love, she still responded to my touch, her body was still mine…
But the longer I kept kissing her, the more reality began to seep into my conscious…her hands weren't on me…neither were her lips…her entire body was shaking…even though she didn't pull away from me, I knew she didn't want to be there. So slowly, carefully I let her go, gently kissing her cheek for the last time before pulling myself back, it was so hard to do…my heart still throbbed for her, but I knew that when this finally really happened, it needed to happen for both of us.
"I'm sorry…" I began apologizing, "I was out of line…I had no right…" my voice faded away as my eyes searched hers for reassurance.
She just choked back another sob and quietly got up, shaking her head slightly, and walking out of the room. I didn't follow her…I knew she wanted to be alone…needed to think…hell, I needed to think…
When a few minutes had gone by and she hadn't returned, I allowed myself to get up from the sofa and walk across the living room near the hallway. It was dark in the hallway; she hadn't bothered to turn the light on. You could hear the wind whistling loudly outside the window as I passed it. The storm was finally here. I caught a glimpse of her figure in the shadows, her forehead pressed desolately against the dark wall, her arms wrapped around herself.
I made my way over to her trying to think of a better way to apologize, a better way to make her understand. Only she didn't give me a chance to say anything.
"I think you better go…" her words were soft and shaky, they stung and took me by surprise, I froze mid step to collect my thoughts, I couldn't leave just yet, leave her like this.
"Please…" it was the first thing that came to mind, "please…I'm sorry…it won't happen again…"
"I can't…" she said with finality, "Do this…again. I just can't."
She hadn't moved from her position against the wall and I found myself standing desperately behind her, trying not to crowd her but too distraught to think straight. "Baby…" I whispered softly into her ear, "I know I'm not the man you need yet…but I'm trying to get there…I'm trying…"
She finally turned her head to look at me, her eyes full of sadness, and something else… I wasn't sure.
"You need to leave." She repeated, and then she looked away from me.
I was trying not to panic…took a step back to show her I would go…but I had to do one thing…one more thing…
"Will I see you again?" I was sure she could hear the begging in my voice, "Can I see you again?"
She didn't answer…didn't move…
"Bella?" I didn't know how much longer I could hold back the catch in my throat, "Will you be at my parent's anniversary party? Can I see you and Charlie there?"
She took in another breath and suddenly pushed herself away from the wall, she lifted her head to me, her lower lip trembling a bit, "You'll see us there…" her voice went hard and all the emotion that I thought I saw in her eyes, faded away…"Charlie and I will be there" she said with conviction, "With Jake. He already invited us and I accepted, so you'll see us there…"
She brushed past me quickly, her hair flying over my shoulder as she turned away from me, "Now you need to leave Edward."
And just like that…everything was gone again...
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A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses…
This was useless… I sighed to myself, there was no way I was going to submit this song to the record label anyways. I stared at the paper in front of me, my guitar resting on my lap; I finally finished the first verse...but it still wouldn't make that awful choking feeling leave my throat. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, I had lost it all once more. I didn't know what I was going to do…I didn't want to go my parent's party anymore, torture myself watching Bella with Black, it would just tear me apart to see them together. But I didn't know how to get out of it. My mom literally let out this little squeal when I told her I was going to be there, and then she threw her arms around me and hugged me. It felt really really good to see her so happy that there was no way I could disappoint her.
I looked back down at the words, they all blurred together and I shut my eyes trying to escape the sharp pain in my heart. I tossed my pencil down onto the desk and pushed my chair back. I needed to get out of here…clear my head a bit.
Without even grabbing my coat, I stepped outside. The bitter, cold air whipped all around me sending a shiver down my back. I ignored it and started walking past the bare trees and banged up metal garbage cans. I didn't know where I was going, I just kept walking, my mind a jumbled mess. I thought about going to Jazz's house but I really didn't want to talk to anyone…I didn't want to do anything but forget this day had ever happened.
There was only one way to try to forget…one way to try to take away the pain…so when I found myself standing in front of those familiar old wooden doors I didn't even hesitate…I just pushed them open, and went in…
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Ummm...anyone wanna review today? :P
Hope I didn't make you too mad...lol
See you at the next chapter...What if
Later!
MBella