A/N: Random days to do nothing but write are awesome. Working on the next chapter for tomorrow. Looking at it, this could probably go over 100k. Thanks for reading, I know its a lot with how quick I update!

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

JJ had tried to stay at her own house that night but by nine she was so anxious without Garcia that Reid drove her over. At least that night and the next she didn't have to call Derek to come as well, she was satisfied with the extra deadbolt Garcia had a locksmith install that morning while they were at work.

Both Wednesday and Thursday nights, she slept in the same bed as Pen hoping she wasn't putting PG out, but Garcia made her feel nothing if not at home, making her promise to stay there Friday was well. In a way, she started to wonder if Pen was beginning to cling to her and not the other way around.

They went to work together both Thursday and Friday, meeting up with Reid when he got there too. She and Reid had a quick conversation about Henry each morning, about how he was doing and she was glad to hear that he seemed to be adapting to Spence as his father. It made her so happy to know she hadn't fully screwed everything up for her son. And she was even happier Friday morning when Spence told her he was falling entirely in love with being a parent. She was so happy she almost kissed him, almost. She couldn't even return his 'I love you' with anything other than a small smile.

But she could only last a little while without Penelope so she went to her office where Pen had set up a little entertainment area for her special guest. JJ did a little paperwork when she could, but Strauss had warned to not do anything strenuous, she was still not technically allowed back to work yet.

After lunch, JJ sat down for more paper work and her tired eyes made her take a break and look around. "What's that Pen?" she pointed to the envelope she noticed was tossed into the over flowing recycling bin that hadn't been emptied in a few days.

"A letter." Garcia was trying to ignore the situation. She didn't want to read that, she knew who it was from and every passing hour she seemed only the more bitter.

"It's Hotch's writing. You didn't even read it!" She pulled it out and tried to uncrinkle it the best she could.

"I'm not in the mood JJ." Her tone was stern, hoping JJ would drop the topic.

No such luck. JJ forged on. "You have to open this. Doesn't he deserve to at least explain himself?"

"Stop JJ. I'm not reading it." Garcia had flip flopped on the decision a hundred times and Derek had spent a good portion of yesterday arguing with her through texts (so as to not let JJ be distracted by them) to read it, to give Hotch a chance. She might be overreacting, fine. But she was not prepared to face anything right now. She was overwhelmed by her whole life once again and maybe a little less not-vulnerable than she realized. Being hurt by Hotch at that moment, when she was still recovering, by the man she trusted more than anything… she was simply not up for healing.

"If you love him you would give him the chance." JJ deadpanned. She wanted them to work out almost more than anything.

Garcia could feel rage begin to boil up in her and had to physically grab onto the edge of her desk to stop from turning around in her seat to yell at JJ. "That hardly matters."

"Oh for crying out loud!" JJ stood up and waved the letter in front of Garcia's face. "Just read it!"

That was it. Garcia had hit her frustration boiling point and turned around to just an inch in front of JJ's face. "I'm not reading the damn letter!" she yelled before storming off, grabbing her coat and leaving the office without a word.

JJ sat in stunned silence for a moment before she broke into tears and ran off on her own.

-Criminal Minds—

After her doctor's appointment, Emily decided to check in on Aaron and Jack. Thursday had been rough on Aaron. He had to come into the office for a couple of meetings and because he didn't want to set Penelope off he tiptoed around, trying to make himself invisible.

There was only one time in the two hours he was there that he and Garcia interacted. And it pained Emily to remember how rounding the corner with Pen at that moment Aaron was doing the same forced the two to collide. He couldn't even look her in the eye, he simply bent to pick up her things and handed Pen's crazy pens to Emily before walking on. Emily had seen his face. If anyone thought Hotch looked sullen all the time, they never encountered him really depressed before.

So here she found herself, getting off the phone with Rossi from giving an update and walking up the stairs to Aaron's.

"You doing ok?" She asked as he answered the door silently and stood back to let her in. She tossed her light jacket onto a chair back and sat on the floor with Jack where he was attempting to build a card house. Hotch sat down with them, still silent and allowing Jack to dominate conversation.

"Hey daddy? Daddy?" Jack was trying to get his attention and finally succeeded.

"Yes?"

"Pizza tonight, right? Since it's Friday?" Jack seemed so hopeful. Pizza night was his favorite.

Hotch took a moment and mouthed to Emily "Its Friday?"

She nodded, not at all pleased that Hotch had no idea what day it was. The combination of being upset over Garcia and having nothing to do while on suspension was not good for him. "Tell you what? Let's all grab some food and go over Reid's? I will have Rossi meet us there, he is pretty picky about his pizza."

Jack laughed and jumped. Two nights in a week with Henry! "Yes! Oh, please daddy?" he saw his father's mouth open in slight protest but he knew why. "I promise I will still get lots of sleep before my spelling bee." He crossed his heart, hoping that would work.

Hotch sighed, outnumbered. "Alright. I just hope—" he stopped himself, Jack already ran to his room for his sneakers and Em caught the trepidation.

"I doubt PG will be there."

He nodded. "I'm not sure if I am relieved or disappointed."

"Come on. Let's just all have a good night. Get your coat."

They drove in separate cars, but Jack insisted he stick with Aunt Em because she's cool. Hotch laughed at the tiny bit of worry to cross Emily's face. She really wasn't entirely used to children but she was getting really good when it came to Henry and Jack. He told her as much and she accepted the compliment before driving off.

Hotch followed closely and rejoined them at the supermarket where Emily picked up some soda and chips and a salad and Hotch asked Jack if she was still cool, he got a resounding yes.

When they got to Reid's they noticed Rossi waiting by his car with two pizzas in hand and they all walked up together to Reid's apartment.

He didn't answer when they knocked. They heard nothing but desperate pacing and muttering. Emily tried the door and it opened to Reid frantically wearing down the floor, dialing and redialing his phone.

Rossi put the pizzas down and ran over to Reid, grabbing the phone away to try to calm him. "What happened?" he demanded.

Reid's bottom lip began to quiver in worry. "JJ. She's not with Garcia. They fought, and she ran off and I don't know where she is and she isn't answering my calls and I don't— Why are you guys here?"

"Doesn't matter." Hotch stepped in, fully his FBI agent self right now. "Where was she last seen? Where is Garcia and where have you checked?"

"Garcia is driving her neighborhood now and then checking in person at the hospitals. I already called but they didn't say anything. And I called the local PD but obviously they can't do anything yet."

Hotch looked to Emily. "I need you to stay with the boys and be a central area to call ok? If JJ comes or new info comes, I need you to disseminate the information." She nodded. She understood when she was being given an order.

He looked to Reid. "You're with me. Rossi, go pick up Morgan. I don't give a care what Strauss says, right now we are all back in the field."

Rossi called Morgan on the walk out to the car and explained what was going on. He was only a few minutes away so Morgan came to pick him up instead and they headed to check some of JJ's restaurants and bars before they went to drug hotspots. She could be into anything if arguing with Garcia would throw her over the edge.

Hotch and Reid went straight to Quantico to the BAU's building where JJ was last seen. Hotch looked to Reid. "Can you call Garcia and ask what they were arguing about? It might give us a clue as to where JJ would have run off to it we know what the trigger for this new behavior is."

Reid agreed, not at all about to suggest Hotch call himself. She picked up on the first ring. "Oh god slugger, I'm not finding her and I'm checking everything I can think of online… nothing."

"Calm down. Why were you fighting?"

"Does that matter? Ah, profilers. Of course it does." She sighed. "You won't tell anyone?"

Reid was terrible at lieing when straight out asked and he knew Hotch would so he gave a noncommittal demand to for her to tell him. "This is important Garcia."

"Alright. Hotch wrote me a letter I refuse to read and she insisted I do and kept insisting so I got frustrated and yelled at her before skipping out. I didn't think she would react so badly. I should have now that I look back on it. I am so, so, so, so—"

"Stop apologizing and just try to find her. Go to my house, Emily is there too. She might be able to help you figure out what to search for." He hung up before he could get any response.

"Well, you ordered her around." Hotch wasn't sure if he was proud of Reid for taking a stand or angry that he just yelled at Penelope.

"She won't read your letter and she yelled at JJ. I am furious."

And now Hotch's last hope at gaining her back seemed a wash. He had to pull on all the focus he managed to gain over the years and save his worry and hurt for after JJ is found.

-Criminal Minds-

"Oh." Garcia stood in the middle of Reid's living room, just now realizing that Jack was there as well, resting on the sofa with Henry long asleep.

Emily followed Garcia's line of sight and pulled her aside into the kitchen. "Don't take anything out on him." She warned. Jack had nothing to do with any of it.

Penelope looked taken aback. "Of course not. I just don't know if I should be around or—" she was unsure. She knew Jack and her were growing in their bond and if things were going downhill and—she just didn't want to hurt him.

Emily read the trepidation on her face and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry. We are all on edge. Hotch is with Reid now looking for her. We all came over for pizza night."

Penelope nodded, wondering why she wasn't invited and then realized it was none of her business. No one would want to hang around her and Hotch in the same room when she was still so angry with him, and frankly part of her worry is that he would be mad at her. She wouldn't blame him.

"Aunt Penny." Jack whined as he came into the kitchen. "I'm tired and I have my spelling bee tomorrow." He rubbed his eyes. "Will you take me home?"

She almost forgot about the spelling bee. She grabbed his hand and walked him to the living room. "You will have to wait for daddy to get you. But we can try to rest now. Want to watch me type away while I look for stuff? You can listen to some music too. I bet it will help you sleep."

He nodded and she put her three laptops onto the coffee table, loading up a CD she bought on iTunes for Jack and handing him headphones.

Emily watched as Garcia began typing away, Jack's head lying on her lap. It made her stomach sink, wanting to see that image over and over again of Penelope stroking Jack's hair absentmindedly as she stared at some of the information on her screens. If only she could look at herself right now, so much more the mother than she realized. She almost broke down and screamed at Pen to just forgive Hotch already. This was stupid, monumentally stupid. They belonged together, all three of them a family. And here she was, separated from him over something so idiotic as reading a journal. What was this? A teen drama?

Yes, she got that Penelope's trust was compromised. But if she knew why he felt that need… she vowed she would say something tomorrow if they find JJ tonight. She was just starting to make real connections to her friends in a meaningful way, in a way Doyle wouldn't criticize her for if he were still alive. She wasn't about to see it all fall apart just when she was finding personal happiness.

She sat down and began discussing what information she has gotten from the guys so far, building up a little profile as to the possibilities of where she could be. They weren't terribly encouraging. Thankfully she wasn't at any of the area hospitals and her car was still at Quantico. But that didn't make anyone feel that great really. She could have walked off, without a coat. Hotch had called her from Garcia's office, it was still lying on the sofa where she left it this morning. And while Virginia started getting warm in the day this time of year nights were still very much winter weather.

"Yeah. Alright." Emily's side of a conversation to Hotch was obviously being overheard by a certain blonde. "No, he's fine. He's just listening to music that Garc—he's fine."

It did horrible things to Penelope when she saw the regretful look in Emily's eyes. The brunette was judging her and she wasn't entirely sure why.

"Yeah, Hotch. Alright, I'll ask." She hung up and turned her attention to Penelope. "Any chance you can hack into the security channels at Quantico?"

Garcia looked up, shocked. "Hotch wants me to hack into a military data base?"

"Yes. He says you are good at making 'things' look legitimate." She didn't feel the need to share that Hotch said that part with a sense of pride. He secretly loved that Garcia could do these things when necessary… he just needed to tame her to make sure it stays to when necessary.

Garcia shrugged, still confused, but focused on her work. She typed away, breaking past firewalls, accessing all sorts of reports, complaints, etc. Everything gets logged on a base. "I found something. There was a complaint by the shooting range attendant that was on duty to the next one during the shift changeover. Apparently a blonde has been firing for three hours straight."

"Oh! That would make sense. I'll tell them." She picked up the phone right away to give the guys the intel.

Penelope had no more ideas to run through so she sat back and when she did Jack jostled a little and readjusted himself, climbing into her lap fully and resting his head against her chest until he fell asleep again. She had no time to protest and if she was honest she wouldn't have. She loved this boy and still wanted to be a mom to him someday. But she knew this could get awkward later. So, she went to move him, but didn't have the heart when he looked up at her with a sleepy sad face, so she just petted his head and told him to sleep.

"Hard isn't it?" Emily sat next to Garcia on the sofa, satisfied that the guys were all going to follow that lead.

"What is?"

Emily pointed to Jack. "To not fall in love with that face. With him, his dad."

Penelope huffed out a sigh. "Falling in love isn't the problem."

"Then what is?"

She didn't realize she meant it until she said it. "Getting them to fall in love with me."

"Garcia, you are a genius and a wizard when it comes to the tech stuff, but such an idiot when it comes to love. And that's coming from me."

"This isn't what I need Em. JJ is still out there."

Emily huffed out an annoyed breath. She was sick of this. As much as she loves Garcia- well that's why she is so annoyed. She is the only person standing in the way of her own happiness. If she could only understand what a profiler sees in her. Her insecurities were uprooted when she found out he read that damn dream journal her therapist insisted on. And now, she is avoiding the truth like the plague because she doesn't believe he could really love her just for being her… she's afraid she would inevitably get hurt again, and again. "Alright. Fine. But she will be found and you won't be able to hide away from whatever it is forever."

-Criminal Minds-

Reid and Hotch met up with Morgan and Rossi at almost the same time as they got to the gun range. They have all used this facility hundreds of times for target practice, training, but never before have they had to run around trying to figure out if someone they cared for was going crazy inside.

Morgan nearly jetted over the security desk when he flashed his badge at the attendant. "There still a blonde in there?"

"Yeah, hot? This tall? Kinda tired looking?"

"Shut up. Where is she?" Reid was actually intimidating, using that height that is so often forgotten and towering over the attendant with a glare.

"I-uh." He was friggen terrified of this guy. Must be the boyfriend, his eyes locked onto him the moment he said 'hot'.

Hotch pulled on the back of Reid's shirt to give the attendant some space. "Reid, give him a chance." He handed Reid off to Morgan and turned to the attendant. "Is anyone else in there?"

"No sir. We didn't think anything is wrong with her in here, she's an agent. She's super focused, just keeps standing there with rounds and doesn't speak unless to ask for more. Did we miss something? There had been lots of people in there earlier."

Hotch took a breath. "No. Just please open up and don't let anyone in until we know what we are dealing with."

The attendant nodded and let them in. There was a moment they all wondered if they should pull their weapons or not but they had to shut that side of their brain off. JJ isn't an unsub, she is just a woman about to go off the deep end. More weapons wasn't going to do anything good.

She was about twenty feet inside, truly focused on her work. Simply shot. Shot. Shot. Reload. Shot, shot, shot. It was rapid and they could see the incredibly large stock pile of ammunition and alternate weapons piled up at her post.

"JJ." Reid began to slowly move to her. She recognized his voice because she paused for an extra few second before continuing her firing session.

Morgan and Rossi went around the perimeter of the room to the other side just to be sure that JJ wouldn't get away from them now that she was finally found. "JJ we just want to know you are ok." Morgan tried to reason. He has seen depression take an aggressive turn in woman in JJ's position before. They feel helpless, something triggers and they fire back. JJ was just taking that literally.

"I'm not crazy. Stop using your unsub voices." She wanted to just stand there and shoot. It was condescending the way they were treating her though she was sure she looked just as crazy. She still wasn't eating right, her hair was a mess from when she was pulling at it in frustration before coming here. One of the heels of her shoe broke an hour ago so she was barefoot and she just couldn't stop reloading and firing.

"JJ. It's just that we love you." Hotch, actually telling someone he loves them.

She broke then, still holding her gun but not firing. "Why can't you just tell Pen that?"

He huffed a sigh. "She deserves to hear it when we are happy, don't you think?"

She nodded, then kept firing. "JJ, honey. I know you think you are a burden but you're not. Don't you get it?" Reid was just about to her now, almost within reach of her hands. "I just want to take care of you."

She rapidly picked up the pace of her firing, reloading at a startling speed. Rossi looked over to Reid. "Come on. Let's go get more ammunition for her. She needs a release."

'Finally, someone who understands.' She mentally thanked Rossi.

Only the sound of gunfire filled the room until they got back with several rounds. Each man took a weapon and a few rounds themselves and took place at the surrounding stalls. It was Rossi's idea, communicated via text message.

She actually felt comfort at that. For a few minutes it was just her and her fellow agents, doing something that could construe as normal for their line or work. They weren't talking down to her, coddling her as she has been since she was found. She just need to be out of that state for a while.

She came here to shoot because she feels empowered by her gun. She needed to feel less of a failure and more of a person, an agent, who she is. Suddenly, she lowered her weapon. "I would like to go home now."

Reid threw his arms around her in a hug, apologizing for the action once she stiffened but she pulled him back in. "Take me home."

They all let out a long breath and left the range, but not before Morgan was sure to get the attendant to not say anything to anyone. It might look bad if JJ's little break down got out. They would deal with it internally.

She sat in the back of Hotch's car with Reid. Morgan took off to wherever it is he has been spending his time lately leaving Rossi to ride back in the passenger seat of Hotch's car.

It was entirely silent other than the Sinatra songs Rossi turned on. JJ was thankful that no one was talking. She needed time. She's gone through the rare stages of crying, and she wasn't going to do it again. She went through pulling away, and she wouldn't do it from Reid anymore… it would take time to get used to physical contact but she could get used to hugs soon enough to give Henry one tomorrow.

Most importantly though, she grew away from her codependence on Penelope tonight and that was a major breakthrough. Pen had been everything to her the last few days but she decided right then it was time to book a session with an outside psychologist, not just the one the department mandated she see.

They got back to the apartment and once she got inside she saw Emily run up to her in a hug but whisper because Jack was asleep. "I was so worried. You know I love you right?"

JJ nodded, thankful to see that Garcia was asleep on the sofa and touched bitter sweetly that Jack was tucked into her just as deep in sleep. She took Reid's arm as he led her to see Henry.

Rossi looked at Emily and both agreed with a nod that it was time to go, the room was awkward enough with Hotch standing as close to the wall as he could as he watched the two snore. He grabbed Emily's arm before she could leave. "Could you wake her?"

She shook her head. "No. It's time you guys deal with things yourselves." And with she let Rossi lead her out the door, both in agreement that it was a rare opportunity to get them to talk.

It took him a minute to get his cool, aware that he couldn't just leave them here all night. Finally he got up the strength and slightly shook Penelope's exposed shoulder.

She nearly had a heart attack. One second she is running around playing in the sand with Jack and the next Hotch is standing over her in a dim room and there is a weight on her. "What time is it?" remembering where she is and why she is there. "Is JJ alright?"

Hotch nodded. "Yes. We found her at the gun range. She will be ok. She just needs to let go, be with her family. She and Reid are watching Henry sleep."

Penelope understood that, though she was a little sad. She knew Emily was right earlier when she said things would change once JJ was found. She was happy for JJ, but she wasn't ready for all this with Hotch yet.

"I'll take him. He should get a good rest before tomorrow."

He made to move to pick up Jack from her lap but she stopped him, reaching an arm out for help standing up while using the other to keep Jack to her. "I'll carry him down. I don't want to wake him with too much moving."

Hotch helped her get to her feet, almost crying inside at how tender, motherly she was treating his son. She really cared for him and the recurring thought running through his mind was a question on whether or not this was it for them, a short lived romance he would never get over. He can't be expected to lose two loves in his life and somehow move on.

Silently they left Reid's apartment and made their way to Hotch's car. He opened the back door for her and she lowered Jack into his booster seat, buckling him in and closing the door to turn to Hotch.

There were so many things they each wanted to say. She could have told him she was sorry. She wanted to but she was still mad, betrayed. He wanted to tell her a hundred things, some more than others.

"Penelope."

"Aaron."

It was a silent standoff. She rocked on the balls of her feet and noticed he was doing just the same, mirroring her. She stopped, hoping this wasn't some sort of psychological ploy he was using.

He wasn't entirely ready just yet to give up on them. He wanted her in every way but now… "I-" he couldn't continue. No, when he tells her he loves her it's going to be special.

She could feel her tears building up and was simply unwilling to let him see her cry. "Goodnight." He watched her as she rushed out before running around to her car and driving off without so much as putting her seatbelt on. It was killing him inside, wondering if there would ever be a time she could see him as anything other than the man that broke her heart.

She almost looked back about twenty times until she turned her rearview mirror from her view. She needed to think, somewhere unconnected to any of her family, somewhere where her thoughts wouldn't be tainted as she went over everything in her mind.

She drove for an hour before she found herself in a McDonald's parking lot with a milkshake in one hand and the letter she argued about in the other. She steeled herself with a long breath, placing her shake into the cup holder and fumbling with the envelope over and over again until she worked a nail under one edge. 'Come on Penelope. Just open it. That's all. Why can't I even read it? Because you are afraid of what it will say. Either he will just be apologizing or it will break your heart that he is leaving. Is that what you feel?'

She swallowed hard and took the three neatly folded sheets of paper from the crinkled envelope. It took her another thirty second to just get the mental energy to unfold the papers, another minute to turn on the overhead light so she could read.

Dear Penelope,

There are a lot of things I could say, but none of them would be fair to you. "Please forgive me" or "I am sorry" does not cut it. While those things are true, I am not going to ask you to feel anything other than what you are feeling. But I believe that since I got to read some of your most intimate thoughts it is only fair you get to read some of mine.

Reid helped me remember all the details of a conversation we had not too long after Haley and I divorced. There were many times I wished I never opened up to him that first time I saw him give JJ the eyes. But alas, the boy forgets nothing and I am glad for it now.

I had only wanted to give him advice but I revealed so much more than I intended. I had advised him to suppress his desire for her, that office romances are always more complicated when one person is married. He was angry, accusing me of not understanding because I had never been in that position before. And I said something I hardly ever acknowledged to myself before. I told him that a big part of my pulling away from Haley towards the end of our marriage had to do with the fact that I did understand. I loved her, I did and I was always loyal. But we were so young when we got together, we didn't understand how things change as you grow older, how I would have to work as I do and how she would need me home more but then not be satisfied with my company. And so another innocent attraction began to grow, especially after it appeared to be ending and that love Haley and I once shared changed to simple tolerance.

Of course, even Reid could see it was always you. I hid from it, all this time. You always had someone else, and as beautiful and as unbelievably sexy I always found you, I couldn't be sure we could ever make each other happy. But I still let you play a part in many of my most inner fantasies, always forgetting them after I was—done. If I ignored it, it didn't bother me.

And I read your journal. Rossi made me realize it was because I wanted to know if I was in there at all, if I factored into your life. I guess I did. Besides the physiological effects reading it had upon me (which you almost walked in on, by the way), within a few minutes I had to let myself to begin to realize my deeper feelings I always repressed. And our date, yes I consider it a date. Though I didn't fully admit it to myself until Dallas I came to really allow myself to feel all those things for you, to let my appreciation of your habits and outfits and everything that makes you you really seep in.

Anyhow, I wish I could be more detailed but in all honesty repression certainly made it difficult to remember it all—except this recurring fantasy I have of taking you across my desk and your nails digging into my back so hard I have bruises for a week.

I don't expect anything. But I do want you to know that if you do ever forgive me I—just know I will be waiting.

Aaron.

She cried into her steering wheel and couldn't be sure when she fell asleep but she woke noticing it was now just before dawn with tears filling her eyes yet again. She had a lot of thinking to do and little time to do it.

Some reminders of the plot so far: The fight between Hotch and Garcia, the potential triangle between Rossi/Prentis/Morgan... or nothing could be there at all, JJ in a deep depression that will take a long time to heal, Strauss bullshit about fraternization, Jack and his childhood wisdom and Hotch's suspension. See, lots still left to cover.