Callie woke up the next day in mid-afternoon. The sun was streaming brightly in through the curtains that were completely pulled away from the windows, and she dimly remembered Arizona telling her last night that she hadn't slept in their bedroom since the day of their failed wedding, which explained why everything in here looked exactly as it had the morning she'd left a week ago, after packing a bag for Addison's.

It was nearly three, and her initial reaction was shock that she had slept so late. But the fact remained that she'd hardly slept more than a few hours a night this last week, and neither had Arizona, and so, here they were.

Her bottom lip throbbed in an oddly pleasurable way, from where Arizona had bitten into it during their last round, which had been… very early in the morning, she thought. It had been after five the last time she'd looked at the clock. Pushing herself up onto her elbow, she looked down at the sleeping woman next to her, with her arm loosely across her waist.

That arm had fallen when Callie sat up, originally over her chest, with a hand cupping her breast. Some things never changed, and that was such a double edged sword, she could barely stand it. With a slight frown, she brought her hand down to stroke back the tumbled blonde hair, messy from both her hands and from sleep. It went hand in hand with the feeling of warmth that she got by being here, cuddled with her, mixed with the feeling of her heart feeling like it was being squeezed too tightly knowing that things weren't the same that they had always been.

It was so hard to think that it had only been a week since they'd done this before; since she'd ran her fingers through tangled golden locks, heard Arizona's sigh as her face burrowed farther into the pillow under her head.

She'd been hurting inside for the last week. It was the wedding and the fact that her dress was still at Addison's and the fact that she hadn't seen Arizona and hadn't talked to her or heard from her. And it was that she knew that she was to blame for the huge mess that everything had turned into just as much as the blonde, that made everything even worse.

Pulling down the sheet that Arizona had tucked over both of them somewhere around sunrise – just a few inches – she saw the angry red scratches she'd left all over that long, lithely muscled back. That was the first gloriously heated match. Their hands had tugged and ripped each other's clothes, which she knew were strewn in a trail from the front door to the doorway of the living room, which was where last night had started.

And then had continued until they made their way into their bedroom. The bedroom? God, she didn't know what to call it. Because it was theirs but they were… she didn't even know. No, she did know. She knew that they weren't supposed to be together because they were probably the world's biggest fools.

She knew that they'd always wanted different things in life and yet they'd avoided the issue for so long that it bubbled over at the worst possible time. And that she was angry with both of them, still, which was where the scratches had come from last night came in.

She knew that she didn't want Arizona to change, because even though it didn't make sense right now, she loved Arizona. She loved her so much that a week without her felt like an eternity and that even though she knew that breakups were always the hardest in the beginning, she just couldn't even imagine it ever feeling better.

She knew that if they were supposed to break up or stay broken up, that her coming here last night and the two of them being here right now, cuddled together was wrong. It was wrong to her head, but what felt wrong was not sleeping entangled with Arizona. She couldn't possibly begin to explain to anyone in her life the strange sensation of wanting desperately to be with the woman she was in love with but knowing that being here was just not working out, for either of them. She knew that she was so deeply in love with Arizona and that she was so deeply in love with the idea of raising a child with her.

What she didn't know… was what to do about it, because having it all wasn't possible. Even if she didn't still feel so humiliated and burned and stupid about the fact that they'd been this close to walking down the aisle, to being officially wife and wife, even if they could move beyond that together, she didn't know how to move past this.

Falling down onto her back, she lifted her arm to rest over her eyes, and like most of the times she'd been picturing since they broke up, she saw wedding dresses in her mind's eye. She thought about how amazing their wedding would have been and what they'd be doing now if they were married.

Even as her stomach twisted, a low, mirthless laugh worked it's way out of her, and then the arm around her waist tightened, as Arizona asked, her voice low and gravelly from sleep, "What are you laughing at?"

Bringing her hand down, she hesitated for just a second before sliding it over Arizona's, and intertwining their fingers together, "I, um, was just thinking…" god, she couldn't say it now, out loud, as her laughter completely dropped off and faded. Thinking the words made the backs of her eyes burn with tears, and she just shook her head, "Never mind."

The blonde propped herself up on an elbow and looked down at her, and Callie could so easily read the question in her eyes. And if this week hadn't happened, if they weren't where they were at the moment, then it might have been asked. But she also knew that as easily as she could see the desire for an answer from Arizona, Arizona could see the tears that she refused to shed.

So instead of pushing – when really, her thought was just that if they had gone on their honeymoon, they would likely be in a very similar position to the one they were in now. Having stayed up in all hours of the night to have sex, sleeping until midafternoon. Though, in her imagining about that alternative future where everything was still good, she would have spent their waking period with much less thoughts and anxiety and this awful heavy feeling in her stomach.

And just because the images in her head just hurt so fucking much – she wanted them. She wanted them so badly to be true, she let out a sigh and pulled Arizona in toward her, nuzzling her nose into a bite mark she'd left on the soft skin of the blonde's neck. She smelled like a scent Callie knew like the back of her hand.

A bit like their body wash, a bit like sex, and a bit like that smell that had always been uniquely Arizona. It was a smell she'd woken up with for almost every morning they'd spent together for years. It was one of her favorite smells.

Arizona let out a sigh, and ran her hand up Callie's spine lightly, drawing out goose bumps, "Only a week and I've barely been able to stand being without you."

Her words were quiet and hoarse, and they made Callie's heart feel like it was constricting, "I know. Me, neither."

Arizona drew away from her and sat up, tossing all that tumbled hair over her shoulder and pulling up her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them, while big, clear blue eyes stared sadly at her. And she knew exactly what was on her mind, and she beat Arizona to the words, "We can't do this again."

It had been exactly what Arizona had been thinking, and she nodded, squeezing her eyes closed, "I just… we can't. It's just going to make everything harder."

"It's already harder," she bit her lip, "The only thing that's felt good at all in the last week is here and you."

Now Arizona slid back down onto her side, keeping her head held up on her hand, while bringing the other one back to lightly skim over Callie's jaw. The touch was slow and light and reverent and it made her stomach tingle in a way that she'd always found so incredible that Arizona could still make her feel after being together for years. But it also made her nervous, and she lifted her hand to cup over Arizona's and hold it there, running her thumb over the back of her hand.

"This is so incredibly messed up," she whispered, and even though she had said the words before, even though they didn't accurately describe their situation and what she felt. But it was all she had at the moment.

She felt more than saw Arizona nod in agreement, her hair brushing against her face, "To say the least."

Lightly, she moved her finger down that pale back, following the line of a scratch she'd left hours earlier. There was a part of her that wanted to apologize for it, because – it certainly wasn't the first mark she'd ever left on Arizona's body during sex. It wasn't even the worst scratch she'd ever left there during angry sex. She didn't think, anyway – every time she'd ever left the marks on Arizona's body, she'd always spent time afterwards peppering them with soft kisses.

But it had felt so good to dig in her nails and sink in her teeth and drive her fingers into her, hard and fast and unrelenting, because it felt like the best way she'd been able to show how she was feeling. Raw and hurt and painful. And in some way, it had made her feel replenished.

"So… maybe we just shouldn't see each other for a while, right? Because, what, are you just not supposed to be a part of my life?" the words sounded foreign to her; she couldn't imagine not having Arizona as the woman she was going to face the world with, but even more than that, she couldn't imagine not having Arizona, at all.

Minutes ticked by slowly, before Arizona slid her hand down to rest it briefly over her heart, and then withdrew altogether, "I – no. I want you as a part of my life, Calliope. Always. It's just… it's going to be a little while, before."

She didn't really know what a little while meant. But what she did know, was that it meant nothing would be happening between the two of them for a while. And she didn't know how to do that. Clearing her throat, she asked, "So, what does this whole, not seeing each other thing, start?"

Arizona bit her lip, and shrugged, before reaching her hand down and twisting her fingers in the sheets, "I, um, I don't… Callie, I don't know. I feel like I'm just floundering here. I just don't know. I don't know what to say that can make anything better or even just… less worse."

A frustrated sigh left her lips and she leaned back against the pillows, "I don't think there's anything you can say to make it better." No matter what words were said, there was still the fact that they didn't get married. That she wouldn't have little babies with Arizona's mannerisms. That things… were different now.

She rolled her head to the clock, for a few seconds just content to lie there, in the bed that felt so familiar and warm and comfortable. Just the thought of getting up and leaving and going back to stay at Addison's felt wrong.

Biting her lip, Callie looked back at Arizona, and her voice was low as she turned onto her side, "I don't want to leave."

Those ocean eyes, with just a hint of mischief – something she hadn't seen in what felt like far too long – scanned her face, "Well, I still have time off from the hospital. So this whole day, in theory, is free."

She could feel Arizona's hand return, drawing light patterns against her side, before sliding up, just grazing the side of her breast. Her core was already clenching in anticipation, and the sigh she released into the air as those agile, talented fingers flicked over her nipple was one made up of anticipation and she skimmed her own hand up Arizona's side, resting on her hip and sliding around to that butt, "I have time off, too."

She knew that they both had the next three days off, still. And it might not have been the smartest thing. It might not make sense to anyone but the two of them, but it was so, so easy to lose herself in Arizona.

"God, yes – fuck – right there!" the words left Callie in a breathless scream, her nails digging in and leaving crescent shaped marks as Arizona pumped in and out of her at a rapid speed.

This… this was a feeling she only felt with Arizona – had only ever felt with her and she was already so fucking close. Biting into a soft shoulder, she felt the blonde gasp against her neck, then grind even harder down onto her leg. It was all she could do to keep pumping her thigh up against Arizona's center, feeling her wet heat against her, spurred on by the grunts leaving those soft pink lips that were leaving sloppy kisses up and down the column of her neck.

The feeling coiling inside of her was quickly becoming intense enough to make her spiral into an orgasm, and because Arizona was Arizona, she knew exactly which way to curl her fingers to make Callie explode. As she dug her fingers into the blonde's back, her world splintered and she was able to thrust upwards one more time, barely registering Arizona's strangled, "Calliope!"

As her heart pounded in her chest, the woman above her collapsed onto her – Arizona's head landing face-down on the pillow, that fine blonde hair sticking to the sweaty skin of her neck and onto her face. Puffing out breaths, she tried to get the hair that was sprawled out over her lips away, then when that didn't work, tried to will herself to lift her arm up, but that didn't work either because all of her muscles felt like jelly.

It was fine, she decided. She could live with it, and the most she was able to move was her fingers, lightly back and forth over Arizona's thighs that were still straddling her hips. Gradually, she felt soft lips start to press kisses into her neck, and a sigh slipped out of her throat as she turned her head to the side, allowing for more of her skin to be kissed.

Then, with a groan, Arizona rolled completely off of her, albeit leaving her arm still around her, "We weren't supposed to be doing this anymore," she whispered.

Closing her eyes at the words for just a moment, she turned her head so that she could look into those blue eyes that had that taken on that hue – darkened to a sapphire from their love making, but slowly clearing into that pale sunny sky.

They had spent those three days, despite their better judgment, shacked up together in their apartment and living in a blissful existence where their non-wedding hadn't happened and neither did the prospect of future children.

So they weren't supposed to continue being around one another, and promised each other that they would take a break. And that hadn't gone as planned, at all.

Because two days later, Alex had gotten Arizona drunk, which led to a phone call. Which led to them meeting up, and Arizona was crying and then she'd cried. And they're had tearful sex in her bedroom at Addison's apartment – which she supposed was also kind of her apartment, too, for now. Then they'd sworn for that to really be the last time.

But then, there was the time after that, when she'd had to go get more of her things from their apartment, and Arizona had been there, watching one of her Disney movies with hot chocolate, even though it was the summer time. It was somewhat of a comfort food, despite the fact that it wasn't actually a food, for Arizona. And it had always been something she'd found endearing. So seeing here there, watching Toy Story in their apartment, made it impossible for her to just turn around and leave. She stayed for a few hours.

And then there was last night that she'd agreed to go out to a bar with Addison. While she'd been nursing her first drink, a woman had hit on her. It hadn't made her feel like what attention from someone else was apparently supposed to make you feel after a breakup – at least, according to Addison. Instead, it drove her to see Arizona again.

And this time, they were in an on-call room at Mass Gen.

It wasn't either of their faults, either – not this time; really, it wasn't. Because Arizona had been asked by Dr. Tamas to assist on a consult on a patient here, and how were they supposed to stay apart when Arizona was at her hospital? And they'd both met at their coffee cart – the one they'd both gone to together every day when Arizona had still been there to complete her residency – completely on accident.

They attempted to stay apart. But… it just didn't work out so well. Clearly.

Callie felt a laugh bubble up in her throat, she shook her head, "We are really, really not good at not doing this."

Arizona shook lightly in laughter next to her for just a moment before drawing her hand down Callie's side, scratching lightly, "No matter what wasn't working between us, this always has," she gestured down the length of their bodies.

She lightly hmm'd in agreement before rolling onto her side and throwing an arm over Arizona's waist, closing her eyes just a bit. It had gotten easier, sleeping through the night without her. But it still didn't feel nearly as good as this did. This cuddling, this comfort, this way Arizona would automatically hook their ankles together.

Arizona bit her lip, and her eyes bore into Callie's which were only inches away on their shared pillow on the small on-call room bed, "What are we doing here, Calliope?"

Her voice was small, and yet it sounded so loud in the quiet, dark room. Because Callie really didn't know. She didn't know what to say to Addison when her best friend always gave her those knowing looks after she returned from being with Arizona. They would talk, but it was always about things that they would talk about when they were together. About their lives and jobs and friends, and it was never about what they both knew they should be talking about.

Like, what they were going to do when the lease on the apartment was going to be done. Or when they really were going to stop dancing around the issue of not being together because it had to be talked about, to be dealt with. Instead, they both danced around everything that they needed to say.

So she gave the only answer she had, "I don't know. Not staying away from each other?" she offered. Feeling a little desperate, she leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, "Why do we have to name what we're doing right now? When I'm with you, everything's good and that's all I can tell you."

It was all she had. Being with Arizona was the only time she didn't think about the two of them.

But pained blue eyes looked up at her, "Why? Why is because, Calliope, this, right here, what we're doing, does make everything feel good again, and it's what I want! It's what I've always wanted, with you and me – exactly what we had before. I want to have sex in on-call rooms and then curl up right next to you after and talk about anything that comes to my mind. I want this – I want you so badly, that having this… this whatever it is, is killing me," the words left her quietly, but they seemed like they echoed in the small room.

Then she sat up, drawing both hands through her hair, managing to take in a ragged breath before continuing, "I am living around the times where one of us caves and gives into going to see the other one, and then every time that it ends, you walk away because we're – we're not together." She put her back against the wall, pulling the sheet up around her, and she lifted both of her hands, the heels digging into her eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to fall, "We aren't together," and when the words left her, they sounded shocked, as if they didn't feel real.

But they didn't feel real to her, either, and anger rose fast inside of her, burning her throat, "And whose fault is that, Arizona?" she sniped, throwing the blankets off of her, and reaching for her panties that had been hastily discarded down toward the foot of the bed, "We were supposed to get married! You proposed to me, and then… it didn't happen."

She could practically feel the words burn her throat as they came out.

"Don't you think I know that? I wanted nothing more than to walk down the aisle with you! I wanted for you to be my wife, Calliope," her hand reached out and landed on Callie's shoulder, and just as quickly as that anger came, it faded, melting into her touch. "I know it's my fault. Every day, I know that it's my fault that your dreams didn't come true."

Biting her lip, she turned to face her, "That's just it. You wanted nothing more than to walk down the aisle and I did. I do. It's not your fault. It's… it's… it's bullshit, is what it is, Arizona. Because every time I'm not with you, all I want is to be there. I want you, and more. I want you and a family with you. A family of little… yous. I want everything with you that there is to offer, and then… when I have to leave or you have to leave, then I wonder if I could live without it, because this feeling that I have when we're not together crushes me."

It was every time in the weeks that they weren't together that she thought about living without the tiny humans, as Arizona called them, that her entire being had always craved to have, to produce. And it was hell, all of it was hell.

Taking in a deep breath was difficult, as she tugged on her scrub top, then turned to face Arizona, who was still flushed and tumbled from the amazing sex they'd just had. And she sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out her hand to rest it on her knee, "And even though there's this whole time of complete and utter hell, I still don't know how to make myself stay away from you."

Those perfect white teeth dug into Arizona's bottom lip and Callie watched her swallow hard, before she reached her hand out and covered Callie's with it, "I know. Me, neither. But, if we're not going to change our – habit," she settled on the word, "of seeing each other even when we know we shouldn't, then we need to figure out what we're going to do..."

She shook her head back, and her eyes landed on the blanket for just a moment before they shifted back up to Callie, and her voice was nearly a hushed whisper, "Something has to change, here. And I… I've arranged some time to go see my parents this weekend, and while I'm there… I scheduled an interview at Hopkins."

And just like that, it felt like everything stopped spinning again, and her eyebrows drew down incredulously, "What? What do you mean you have an interview at Hopkins? You love your job."

Ever since Arizona started that job almost a year ago, for her fellowship, she'd loved it; it was Boston Children's Hospital, for crying out loud, one of the top pediatric hospitals in the United States.

A slim shoulder shrugged, "I do. But… Calliope, I need all of you or I need to find some way to not have the option of seeing you, for some time. Because, when it's there, I'm always going to take it. And that's not what either one of us needs."

Logically, she knew Arizona was right. She knew it had been practically a month since they'd been in this cycle, and that it wasn't doing either of them any good in the long run. But Arizona leaving, or as she'd phrased it taking away the option of seeing her, was just – frightening. And she hated the idea of it.

And what she hated even more was how it left her feeling like she had been feeling for too long, like she was stuck in a tailspin and she hardly knew how to react. They were stuck staring at one another until she was paged 911, and she stood, grabbing the pager and staring at it blankly for a moment before her too-tight feeling throat croaked out the words, "I have to go."

Please let me know what you think; I appreciate all of your comments so far. Thank you for reading!