Disclaimer: I own no one in this chapter because they are all characters of Kishimoto.

A/N: They finally say it out loud...

Longer chapter, like I promised. Actually, the longest ch this far. Please, enjoy.

Day 8 – Fear

-- --

Neji just can't stop thinking about Shikamaru. Well, considering how he is in Shikamaru's room, laying on Shikamaru's futon and looking at the roof through Shikamaru's eyes it would be strange if he didn't think about him.

They would be going to the graveyard today, he remembers. Again. The last time there was already enough for Neji, with all the talking about death and such… But the feeling there was enough to put up for that.

Neji sighs and stands up, walking to the open window. He climbs out of it and lays himself on the ceiling. 'No wonder Shikamaru likes this…' thinks Neji as he feels relaxation taking over him. But he shakes his mind to remember to focus on his 'goals for the day' as he had named them.

First of all he has to make some sense out of his own thoughts and feelings. Neji clears his mind and tries to find memories of Shikamaru before the whole switch. Had he even known his name? Well, yes, but had he known Shikamaru?

Neji can't seem to find any memories of him and Shikamaru talking of anything else than missions. But he does remember many moments with both him and Shikamaru alond with few others, when they hadn't shared more words than greetings. And he remembers Shikamaru's eyes staying on him for a long time.

Neji sighs. Could it be that he only imagines the looks Shikamaru had given to him? Maybe he only wants to believe Shikamaru feels the same and due to that is remembering incorrectly.

Neji stops his thoughts. Shikamaru feels the same. Had he just admitted something to himself? Had he just admitted he might be feeling something deeper towards Shikamaru? Neji isn't really sure, but still he answers yes, because it would be a lot easier if he knew just what he felt, instead of struggling with every move, thinking if it gives the wrong impression or not.

But what had he admitted? What feeling? Care, friendship, love?

Neji knows it isn't the exact kind of feeling he has towards Hinata and Hanabi. He wants to protect the two of them, but if someone asked him would he die for them, he would take a while to answer. But if someone asked if he would die for Shikamaru, he would immediately say yes.

Neji isn't sure if it is just friendship. He has formed bonds of friendship with Rock Lee and Ten-Ten. He does spend time with them even when not in missions, and he does feel connected when he talks with them. But it does not feel as perfect as with Shikamaru.

Is it love, then? Neji doesn't know. He has never been in love. He has had crushes. He even remembers his very first crush, a fresh genin about five years older than him. One day he left for a mission and never came back.

Neji shudders at the memory. 'Let's pretend he found his love on the mission and that's why I never saw him again…' Like many times before, Neji buries the memory of the boy deep within his mind as he starts thinking of something else. Neji's first crush was a boy. And as he thinks more about all the people he has had a crush on, he realizes all except one of them have been boys.

So Neji has all his life had feelings for boys. 'That doesn't make me gay', he grunts to himself. 'What's so bad about being gay', he thinks right after. 'I already admitted I love Shik - I mean - I like Shikamaru, so it shouldn't be an issue.'

Neji just hopes his uncle would accept him no matter what. He remembers Shikamaru told him his uncle thinks Neji is gay with Shikamaru. Apparently he had not got angry because of it, otherwise Shikamaru would not have lived to tell the story.

But what if he had got cross? What if his uncle had used the family seal on Shikamaru? Neji doesn't want anyone else to suffer the same pain he has gone through. Even if he has been the curse's victim only twice, it is enough to make him fear it. And mostly, he doesn't want Shikamaru to suffer it because of him.

Neji stops once again and stares at the pure white clouds sailing on the sky.

Then… what was the drunk thing about? Was their kiss so deep it made Neji drunk? Neji doubts it. He knows there is something else to this, something that would help him to find out what is going on. He just can't remember what.

Neji concentrates and in his mind he goes through yesterday. What had happened, something odd… Then he remembers.

As he had got up from the futon, he had put all pressure on his wounded hand. Shikamaru hadn't seen it, but he had winced and asked what had Neji done to his body. At first Neji had thought that Shikamaru had wounded his hand, he just didn't remember it. But there wasn't even a scratch on his hand. Neji didn't think anything else of it, because his head was still a mess. But as he left Shikamaru, he felt his head clear as he got away from him. He had only tought it was the fresh air, but now he has the insane idea that maybe, just maybe, the switch has more effects on them than they thought. Maybe when they are closer to each other they get all confused like they are only one person.

A bird chirps somewhere far away.

Neji sighs and closes his eyes. He has to think this through, all of this. His theory so that he could tell it to Shikamaru, and his feelings, whatever they are. Only after that he would leave to Shikamaru.

-- --

Shikamaru sits in the garden once again. He admires the cherry tres that are on their full bloom right now. This is what he has been waiting for ever since he first saw the Hyûga garden.

If only there would be someone to enjoy the view with him.

Shikamaru's heart jolts as he thinks of Neji, and he turns to look at the path to the door, as if Neji would walk here right this second. He doesn't, like Shikamaru knew, but still he looks there, and every passing second his heart feels more and more like it is going to burst open from pressure.

And suddenly he sees himself walking along the pathway to the garden.

The closer Neji gets, the more Shikamaru feels like his heart swells so much it smashes his lugns aside, and as Neji stops next to him, his heart finally explodes and the pieces fly off to hit other body parts and continue their beating there.

"Hi", Shikamaru mumbles.

"Hi", Neji says. "Sorry I didn't come earlier."

"It's okay."

Neji doesn't ask does Shikamaru want to leave now. He just sits next to him on the bench and waits for him to gather the pieces of his heart to their right place again.

-- --

Neji looks at Shikamaru next to him. They walk along the path between the graves, Shikamaru leading the way to his ex-sensei's grave.

The grave stands almost alone in the far part of the graveyard. Shikamaru puts his hand to the stone. Neji thinks he can teel the coldness of the stone on his own hand, but he might be just hallucinating.

They just stand there for a long time.

"Why are you silent?"

Neji startles at the sudden question. "I'm thinking."

"Thinking what?"

"Everything that has happened after the last time we were here."

"What has happened?"

"Everything." Neji looks at Shikamaru. "I have realized something."

"Realized what?"

"Don't ask. I think you know it already; you can feel my heartbeat, I know it."

Shikamaru looks at Neji, his big white eyes unreadable.

Without any warning Neji grabs Shikamaru to his embrace and raises his right hand, with the big, still not even scarred wound on it, and hits it to the grave's edge. When his bare bone has contact with the stone, it leaves a loud screech. Neji barely hears it under Shikamaru's shriek.

"What the hell?!" Shikamaru yanks his hand away from Neji's tight embrace. He looks at it, seeing no mark of any wound whatsoever.

"I just tested my theory…" Neji mumbles and wraps his bleeding hand with bandages he had in his pocket just for this. "And this proves it right." Then he suddenly jumps out of Shikamarus's view.

"Does it still hurt?" Shikamaru hears his voice.

"No", he answers. It really doesn't, though his hand had felt like it was burning just a moment ago. Then Neji comes to Shikamaru's view again. As he walks closer the pain comes back gradually.

"Now it's coming back", he tells to Neji who is now standing before him. "What is your theory about? That if you hurt yourself, it hurts me too?"

"Yes. And the closer we are, the stronger the effect is."

Shikamaru is silent for a moment, just looking at Neji. "Does it work with pain only?" Shikamaru slides down to sit on the ground. Neji does so too.

"I've only tested it with pain, but apparently it works with alcohol too."

"That's what you meant yeasterday", Shikamaru says. "When you said you were drunk though you drank nothing", he explains as he meets Neji's wondering look.

"Yeah, that's it…" His voice dies down as he thinks of something else. "Do you think this… this will get even worse?"

"Like that we can hear each other's thoughts?"

Neji stares at Shikamaru, horrified by his words. "Yes, that is exactly what I meant."

"Maybe it'll get even worse, and we can't only hear each other's thoughts and feel pain, but we'll see the same things. The we can't remmeber who we are and where we are and we have to be separated forever in order to continue living, or else we'd go insane because we wouldn't know what we really see and think. Then we'd have to forget all about our real selves and just live like we do now; me as you and you as me. After we would've gotten used to it, we would only think of our early life as a dream and forget all about ourselves." Shikamaru stops and Neji stares at him, his dark eyes round and big.

"You always start talking about eerie things when we come here."

Shikamaru just smiles lightly as if he did not hear Neji's comment. "I hope it won't go that far. I don't want to be you."

"Why?" Neji asks faintly.

"I don't want to be you; I want to be with you. " Shikamaru turns his eyes towards Neji. "I love you."

Neji knows he can't just leave this hanging anymore. They are silent for a moment.

"You're right", Shikamaru finally says and puts his hand to his heart. "I can feel you heartbeat next to mine."

Neji hasn't still found any words to say to him.

Shikamaru turns his hed and leans his cheek to the stone. Now Neji is sure he feels the coldness on his own cheek. He gets closer to Shikamaru and takes him to his hold. Shikamaru does not resist.

"Why are you so silent?"

"I'm thinking." Neji strokes Shikamaru's hair gently. His own hair.

"Thinking what?"

"To find a way to tell you I'm in love with you."

Neji feels Shikamaru's heart beat a bit quicker.

"I think you could just say it out loud."

Neji looks at Shikamaru, his own body. He has closed his eyes, Neji notices gratefully. He does not want to see the Byakûgan now. "But what if I am not? What if I only want my own body back and am taking it as love."

"You won't know unless you give it a chance."

Neji doesn't say a word. He doesn't say out loud that he knows he is in love with Shikamaru. He just holds him for a while. His own body.

-- --

The sun has almost set as Neji walks with Shikamaru back to the Hyûga mansion. After the scene at the graveyard they have shared only few words, but the silence around them is not awkward but comfortable.

Neji opens the gate to the yard and Shikamaru goes through it. "Ladies first", he says and Neji doesn't know should he laugh or not. He decides to show his tongue to Shikamaru's back.

They walk to the garden, holding hands without even noticing it, because it feels so natural. They stop in the middle of the cherry trees, looking at the flowers shining lightly in the light of the setting sun. Wind blows, moving few strands of Neji's body's long hair to his face. Neji wipes them away and leaves his hand to rest on Shikamarus's shoulder. Shikamaru moves his hand to Neji's neck, slowly, testing his reaction. Neji doesn't resist so he lets his hand stay there, his fingers caressing the sensitive place on his neck which he knows well.

"You're too beautiful to be real."

Shikamaru lifts his gaze to Neji. "You or me?"

Neji turns his head away. "This has to end. I don't know who I am anymore." Shikamaru is silent for a long time, and if he couldn't hear his heart Neji would've thought he died. He keeps on speaking. "I'm afraid of seeing myself now. I once thought I saw you on the mirror instead of me – I mean, my face instead of yours, and I got scared." Neji takes a step closer to Shikamaru. "You seem pretty calm. How?"

"You confuse me so badly I forget to think."

Neji doesn't know how to react. Shikamaru has not said it out loud, but Neji knows what he means with all the hints and gestures, and he doesn't know what to do. He really wants to say it to Shikamaru, that he has fallen for him, but he is afraid that he might give too much of himself and then one of them would realize their love was just longing for their own body. "Why do you even like me? I'm just an arrogant bastard."

"You were an arrogant bastard long time ago", Shikamaru says and his hand rubs Neji's tense neck muscles. "But you have changed."

"But why? You could love Chôji, he is such a nice person, and you must know him better than me, you have been together so much."

"I do not fall for every man I know."

Neji lets his hand slide down to Shikamaru's waist. He feels the soft touch on himself too though there is no one touhing him. It feels both creepy and comforting.

"You have changed from the narcissistic bastard to what you are now." Shikamaru looks straight at Neji. "You're something I can never reach; you are smart, handsome, you succeed in everything you do. You are what I call perfect."

"That's just the illusion of me", Neji says and pulls Shikamaru closer to him. "I want everyone to believe I am perfect, but I am not. One should see my true self before… before anything."

"If I haven't seen the true Neji these past days, then what have I seen?"

Neji laughs shortly. "Have you planned this long before I even knew I would see you today? Because I feel like you are controlling the course of this conversation."

"And are you avoiding my questions? Do you wanna get rid of me? If you do, then just say it and I'll leave you alone."

Neji's heart beats rapidily. "I already said that you know how I feel. You can feel my heart beating itself to death whenever you are near." Neji hugs Shikamaru and Shikamaru hugs him back. Or maybe it is just the strange feeling of his own hands. "But apparently I should say it." He kisses Shikamaru quickly, or at least that's what he tried to do, but somehow he just can't seem to let go of him. "I have fallen for you. I don't know when, and I don't know how it happened, because I have always thought of myself unable to fall for someone this quickly. But I am just scared..." Neji whispers against Shikamaru's parted lips. "I am just scared that I can't be myself with you if I am always thinking that we are just longing after our own bodies." Neji kisses Shikamaru again, this time quickly. "I'll leave now."

Shikamaru slides his hand slowly away from Neji's neck. His fingers touch offhandly the earring on his right ear and Neji wonders if the gesture has a deeper meaning to it.

"You better move already", Shikamaru says.

Neji realizes he hasn't moved an inch since he last spoke. "Yeah, I better do." He pulls his hands from Shikamaru's waist. On the spur of the moment he pinches Shikamaru's arse, despite he knows he would feel it on his own.

Shikamaru winces and automatically moves away from the touch, only finding himself once again in Neji's arms. "Pervert", he mumbles but can't help a smile forming on his lips.

"It's only your fault by being so attractive", Neji says and gives a peck to Shikamaru's cheek before finally backing few steps away from him. "And I mean you, not my body." He stops again and just stands before Shikamaru.

"Stop messing around and leave already", Shikamaru says, still smiling. "Or are you gonna spend the night with me?"

"I'd love to, but I should learn to sleep alone already." Neji grins and waves his hand. "Good night."

"G'night."

Neji turns around and walks out of the garden. He knows Shikamaru is also walking away from him, because he feels their eerie connection getting quickly weaker. And he is happy, because the taste of Shikamaru is still on his lips, and the memory of him smiling fresh on his mind. He doesn't even care about how Shikamaru's smiling face is actually Neji's, because right now he doesn't think that looks matter that much.

A/N: So, what do you think? I had to change some parts many times before I was satisfied, and I read the previous chs twice just to make this a smooth continuation to them. I hope I managed, because I think this is quite important chapter.

This story is nearing its end. Only two or three chapters left, and I still have many things left for Neji and Shikamaru to go through. Hopefully you'll be delighted throughout the whole story.