Things get really bad for both brothers in this but as the title says - from the bottom the only way is up!!
Little warning for some out of the usual Dean swearing! (in his head of course!!)
Thank you all for reading and reviewing this as much as you have - *hugs all of you*.
From The Bottom The Only Way Is Up
She relished the fact that she could reach him now, as the spell reached closure her connection to him would strengthen…as he weakened.
She loved that she had rattled him, pushed him to the edge and perhaps, since at the moment her connection to him was broken…over it. If she had it was really all to quick and easy but still it would be enough…but if she hadn't then pretty soon…he'd wish that she had.
She herself had just more than three months left but she had wanted the timing of her attack to be perfect and if he wasn't dead there was one little scrap of information that she was dying to let him know…before she let him join her family in death.
---
The cold realisation of what he was trying to do hit him like a train.
Jesus, what did I just do? What did she just push me too? What did I just let her push me too?
He fumbled forward and found the towel, wrapped it tightly round his arm and then used his good arm to pull himself up.
Fucking idiot! Fucking weak willed, weak minded idiot!
The room swum slightly and he prayed that it was the tablet he'd taken and not the blood loss. He thought the cuts weren't that bad but he didn't know really just how bad not bad was. He couldn't see to tell. He lent against the door and then gathered himself.
His Winchester spirit kicked in. No way I'm going out by my own hand on a friggin' bathroom floor.
He dragged himself out the bathroom and along the wall to the bedroom door.
What will Sam think of you? How could you even think about doing this? Did you even think?
The thought of how disappointed his brother would be in him almost crashed him again.
Sam, oh god Sam, I'm sorry…I didn't mean this…I didn't. I just wanted her to stop.
He caught the handle and pulled the door opened, sliding to his knees and then the floor as he did so.
---
Sam turned as the door opened expecting to see Dean as it did, but it only opened part of the way and then stopped. He glanced at Bobby and the first flicker of panic wormed its way through him.
"Dean?" Calling his brother's name was an automatic thing, briefly forgetting that his brother could neither hear him nor respond. He walked towards the door, catching a glimpse of the slumped figure as he approached. The panic morphed into a hand that gripped his heart. Something was wrong here…very wrong.
Kneeling down he pushed the door opened until it banged against Dean's side causing him to look up at Sam. He watched as his brother mouthed the word 'sorry'. That's when his eyes rested on the towel and the blood.
"Dean!" He pushed the door fully opened, sliding his brother across the floor as he did and grabbed Dean's arm, pulling it to him and removing the towel. The sight of the two long slashes made him gag involuntarily and he had to force himself not to be sick. He slowly turned Dean's arm and relaxed a little as he realised that although they looked bad they weren't too deep, there was a lot of blood but Sam doubted the severity of them, that and his brother hadn't started from his wrist but above his watch.
Sam felt Bobby's presence behind him. "Is he…Christ Sam what the heck did he do? I'll call Mags!"
Sam gripped his leg. "No, they're not as bad as they look, can you get me the first aid kit?"
"Sam I really think…."
Sam's tone was harsher and louder than he meant it to be. "Bobby, just get the damned first aid kit, before he bleeds to death!"
---
Lifting his brother over to the bed he thanked Bobby as he brought the kit, towels and water. Sam gently bathed Dean's arm. His own hands shook more than his brother's did.
What if he hadn't come out? He was sleeping, I was busy, I wouldn't have checked…he could have bled to death with me sitting in the room next door with the friggin' solution almost in my hands.
He wiped the tears from his brother's face and lent his forehead against Dean's.
I could have lost him. How did he expect me to live with that? Why didn't I just stay with him?
His little voice twisted his own knife. Because he had finally given you some peace.
---
Sam sat, the tears running down his face as he tended to his brother's wounds oblivious as the salt from his tears mixed with Dean's blood, causing it to nip. "God sake, Dean, I can't believe that you did this, I can't. Why Dean? Don't you trust me to save you? All I need is a little more time, just a little Dean and I will fix this, I promise."
Deep down, looking at the wounds, Sam knew that Dean's attempt hadn't been serious…a spur of the moment impulse rather than a thought out act…if it had of been he wouldn't be sitting here closing the wounds. Somehow though, that thought, didn't make this any better.
Sam was using butterflies to close the wounds hoping that they would be enough and that he wouldn't have to stitch his brother. He was right were Dean was, at his absolute limit and he wasn't sure that he could take much more either. He finished the job and lifted Dean up into his arms and pulled him to him. "I know that you can't hear me but I want you to know that I won't give up on you ok?" He gently rubbed his brother's back, feeling it as Dean relaxed into him. "I won't leave you like this, even if we can't solve things in time to break the spell I will solve it, I'll find another way ok? Just please…don't give up on me…just don't."
Dean could feel his brother's tears on his face, Sam's cheek pressed hard again his. His brother's embrace was crushing him but he managed to pull away and searched for Sam's hand.
'Not your fault. I'm sorry.' He tapped the simple words out.
Sam replied. 'It's ok.' He gently pushed Dean back to lie flat on the bed and pulled the cover over him. He tapped 'rest now' on Dean's hand and then keeping hold of it sat down against the headboard. Dean tapped 'you don't have to stay' to which Sam replied 'I know' and then settled down anyway.
Bobby watched them from the door and then move forward and retrieved Dean's knife from the bathroom floor.
Sam looked over. "Put that somewhere safe."
"I though I already had."
Sam stared catching something in Bobby's tone.
"What?"
"The other day…Mags was here and he was just sitting with this in his hand…I took it off him…I was worried…I put it in your duffle. How did he get it back?"
"You put it in the duffle? He told me he couldn't find it…I thought he had done it by mistake…you knew he was thinking about this?" Sam tone was accusatory.
"No. I just wasn't happy, that's all." Bobby looked at the ground.
"Why the hell didn't you say something to me! I friggin' well gave him it back! Why didn't you say?!" All the strain of Sam's day was directed at Bobby.
"It was before she came…I forgot to mention it."
"You forgot to mention it! Bobby! I gave him it back, he could have killed himself and you forgot to mention it!" Dean stirred and Sam tried to quiet himself.
"Next time."…he said in a low voice…"try not to."
He closed his eyes and felt the guilt sting him for his harsh words, if it wasn't for Bobby he wouldn't have gotten this far.
He opened them to apologise but Bobby was gone.
The shuddering sigh worked its way up all the way from his toes and he let the tears come again.
---
Bobby sat and watched as Sam sheepishly emerged from the bedroom the next morning unable to miss how strained and tired that he looked. Sam walked over and poured some coffee from the pot.
He spoke without turning. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to blame you. It was just such a shock, you now, what he did…I lashed out…I really am sorry."
"Water under the bridge. Mags will be here in an hour, I've told her what we have to do…she'll help."
Sam turned and smiled. "Thanks Bobby."
He poured Dean a cup of coffee too. "I'd better go and let him know then, what we found…what we want him to do." Sam paused. "How can we do the ritual when he's like this? How will he cope?"
"How can we not Sam if there's a chance we can fix him, if there's a chance we can end his pain here and now…or do you want to just give him back the knife?"
Bobby didn't want to do this either, Sam could see it in his eyes…they weren't a hundred percent sure it would work but they had to try…they both knew it because at the end of the day…it just might.
Sam sighed, walked to the room door and turned. "I'm going to kill her. You know that don't you? I don't care who or what she is. I swear. I'm going to take his knife and cut her heart out with it." With that he went in to wake his brother.
Bobby hadn't really saw it before but he did now, in that one moment of Sam's absolute cold rage against the woman that had hurt and crippled his brother so badly. In that moment he saw just how alike the Winchester brothers really were and for the first time he almost felt sorry for the bitch that had done this to Dean because she was going to pay for it, and pay hard.
---
It took Sam almost the full hour to explain to Dean just what they wanted him to do and he made sure that Dean knew that it might not work, he needed his brother to be absolutely clear on that. Sam couldn't know that someone else had already tormented his brother with that doubt.
Dean didn't think he could do this, didn't think that he'd cope all the way through but after last night he felt he had something to make up to Sam for, so he agreed. He'd let them try even though the very thought of it terrified him.
---
Mags had arrived and they now had a bag of Dean's blood to use in the ritual. After the previous night she was reluctant to take anymore. She had checked his wounds, praised Sam on his handiwork yet again and offered to sedate Dean…he refused. Sam had tried and failed to talk him round.
He led his brother to the circle and sat him in the middle. He watched as Dean stripped off his shirt and then he helped him lie down on the floor.
Dean gripped his hand and tapped it.
Sam paused, tapped 'you sure' and squeezed Dean's hand in reply.
Dean nodded.
He picked up the old fashioned cuffs and fastened them on his brother's wrists and then took both of Dean's hands, firmly gripping them in his, he tapped ' you ok' and Dean closed his eyes and nodded. Sam looked to Bobby and they began.
Sam could feel the slightly tremors through Dean's hands as Bobby drew out the first of the marks on his chest, he watched as his brother's breath hitched through him, and he could feel his panic begin to build.
---
Dean was back in the attic, every touch of Bobby's hand awaking more of the memory in him. His tremors turned to full blown shudders and he felt what he knew was his blood rubbed over his chest by Bobby, following the lines of the marks. He almost lost it completely as Bobby cut his toe nails, not as bad as having them ripped from him but he had almost forgotten that part and Bobby's touch brought the memory thundering back.
---
Sam sat there, watching as Dean bucked slightly as Bobby touched his foot. Sam freed a hand and stroked Dean's forehead, gently brushing his brother's hair, trying to keep him calm but he could felt the panic in Dean rising.
The electricity from his horror at reliving this crackled in the room.
Sam brought his head down to Dean's whispering unheard reassurances that this time would be different, this time there would be no pain.
---
Dean thought his heart was going to falter as Bobby gently turned his head to the side. He really, really didn't think anymore that he could do this any more, panic and fear changing swiftly to outright terror.
That was why he had said to Sam before they started that no matter what, he was to make sure Bobby finished it and he knew that Sam wouldn't let him down, no matter how much it grieved Sam to hold him there.
---
Dean tried to pull away, Sam could see that his nerve had broken, that it was all too much, too soon. He looked at Bobby.
"Finish it. No matter what…he wants us to finish it."
Sam had to pin Dean's head to the floor to let Bobby pour the liquid into his ears, tears drowning him as his brother trashed about trying desperately now to get him off. Bobby quickly did the other ear.
---
Sam was gripping his head, holding it steady to let Bobby put the drops in his eyes and Dean reached up and closed his hands on his brother's shirt. His grip was so tight that it drained all the colour from his hands.
It wasn't working, he knew that but he couldn't let them know that…he had no way of letting them know that.
---
Finally Bobby forced opened his mouth, his jaws locking in spite of himself and then, finally, it was over.
He felt Sam free his wrists and he was leaning over him, checking his eyes, his mouth so close to his ear that Dean could feel his breathe. He felt the sobs start and couldn't hold them back, instead he curled into a ball and rode them out.
---
Sam realised they had failed, he had as good as tortured his own brother and it was all for nothing. Dean was still the same. He freed his brother and watched as he curled up defensively in a little ball, painful sobs rippling through him and Sam pulled himself away. He knew that Dean needed him but he just couldn't sit there any longer. He ran to the bathroom and throwing himself on his knees retched until he felt his insides might burst.
He thought it was a good job that he had hidden his brother's knife well or he might have been tempted to end both their suffering right there and then.
He lay there until Mags came to him and pulled him to his feet, steering him towards the bed. Dean lay on the other, a cover already over him. Mags pushed Sam down and he felt a small sting and realised that she had given him something.
The last thing he saw was Bobby worried and tear streaked face hovering over him before he sunk into darkness