~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch14, Secrets
The early morning sun began to light the room again. Eventually, bright white light burst around the room. Jane woke first, her body ached. Maura was still wedged at her side holding on as if for dear life. Jane had to move. She slid away, lifting Maura's hand and resting it back on the bed. Jane tried to stretch a bit and when she returned from the bathroom, she decided to go ahead and take more pain medicine. Whatever was happening in Jane's head, she was not prepared to face it. Maura hadn't moved an inch. Jane didn't want to be anywhere but with Maura anyway so she lifted Maura's hand and resumed her own place under Maura's loving, protective arm. Finally, the medicine pulled her back to sleep again, despite the blinding sunlight.
Another hour later, it was Maura's turn to wake. She squinted to assess Jane's condition. Jane was sleeping like a baby and that was just fine with Maura. She stayed a bit longer, but then decided to go ahead and get the day going by showering before preparing a breakfast for the two of them. Maura thought they'd both need a good meal in them before everything fell apart. Maura prepared some eggs and toast and plated it for Jane. She poured some juice then delivered to a still sleeping Jane. She placed the tray next to the water glass on the tiny nightstand. Maura felt so much for this sleeping, darling woman. She sat at the edge of the bed and reached over to gently wake her love.
Sliding her hands along Jane's arm she whispered quietly, "Jane. Jane, honey. Time for breakfast. Come on, sweetheart." Jane barely moved. Maura moved her hand up to Jane's shoulder. "Jane, darling. Jane." Maura leaned over to place kiss on her lover's face. Slowly Jane began to stir.
"Hi." Jane was groggy and she didn't really want to be awake, but the feel of Maura's lips on her cheek were worth waking up, just to feel more of that. She reached her arm around Maura and noticed the smell of the food Maura had prepared for her. "You made breakfast?"
"Yes, but if you'd rather sleep, I can make it fresh for you later."
"No, I'm up. I'll eat." Jane strained to sit up and Maura helped her again.
"How are your ribs? You seemed to be in some pain last night."
"They hurt, maybe a little more than normal, but I'm ok, Maur." Jane knew Maura thought she was in some physical pain. She was too afraid at this point to admit what was happening with her memory.
"You know, the heavy breathing you were doing last night might have caused you some pain." Maura smiled slightly in remembrance. "That is actually recommended to help your healing rib. It is good to stretch the lungs and keep oxygen coming in at a normal rate, despite the pain you might feel. It would be bad if you got into the habit of breathing in shallow breaths. Breathe in deeply whenever you can, Jane."
"Yes, Doctor." Trying to distract Maura from the conversation, Jane looked over toward the plate and Maura reached for it. She sat at the edge of the bed with Jane's hand around her hip and took the fork to make a bite for Jane. Jane watched every move and opened her mouth when Maura moved the fork toward her. While Jane was chewing, Maura decided to start that conversation she knew needed to happen.
"So, Jane, last night, what else were you feeling?"
Jane took her time to chew properly and buy time before answering. She wasn't sure yet even how to say what she was feeling. Swallowing her food, "That is delicious, Maura. Thank you."
Maura looked on waiting for the response to her question.
After a beat, Jane, feeling her anxiety ratcheting up, decided to deflect again, "When is your doctor friend arriving? I thought I'd get to speak with her here."
"She will be here day after tomorrow, Jane." Maura wished her friend would come today. She needed her today and so did Jane.
Jane didn't want to wait that long, but she decided she'd do her best to try and not go completely insane in the meantime. She'd have to watch her behavior in front of Maura.
Maura offered Jane another bite.
"Jane, you don't have to tell me, but you know I'd like to help you in any way I can." Maura moved the fork to get another bite for Jane. "I am here for you." Jane was ready for another bite and Maura fed her. Maura was getting all the clues she needed to realize that Jane's memory was returning. She needed to call Rachel and see if she could get here sooner.
"Jane, I spoke with Dr. Swen yesterday. She did mention that she might be able to come sooner. I'll give her another call and sort that out so we both know, ok?"
"Yeah. Ok." Jane was scared. She didn't want Maura to doubt her mental condition. She wanted to be able to get back to work and get things back to normal, whatever that was. She wasn't even sure anymore of anything. She kept seeing her own apartment in her mind. She was so confused. Why did she keep her apartment after they got married?
Maura noticed how quiet Jane was. which made her start feeling nervous. She didn't know what to do. This couldn't be good. After all the thinking she'd done, preparing for this moment, now that it was happening, she felt completely lost and unable to focus on what Jane really needed. She knew she was too close. She knew she shouldn't have taken them away from Boston. She felt she'd completely done the wrong thing.
Regret.
"Jane, here, take this bite." Maura stood up from the bed.
After Maura finished cleaning the plate of food, Jane decided she'd better get out of the bed for the day.
"Ok, I think I need to take a shower anyway." Jane nervously asked, "Then, do you wanna go for a walk with me?"
A walk. Maura's intuition told her Jane was going to tell her something significant during that walk. "Yes. But it is still cold out so be sure to dry your hair before we go." Maura leaned down to give a kiss to Jane's forehead and walked out.
Jane sat wondering where her sweet good morning kiss went. Maura was acting strangely. She figured she was acting strangely too, so Maura must be reacting. She sat in the bed for a bit, thinking, sorting her head. She whispered under her breath, "Why is everything so mixed up?" She pulled the down quilt over her head to block the bright morning light and to focus her mind.
Maura took the dishes to the kitchen and started to get the mess cleaned up. She took in a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy and she truly didn't know which way this conversation was going to go. She needed to talk with Rachel immediately. But, when she picked up her cell phone and saw three texts from Frankie, she decided to give him a quick call. She'd ignored all messages yesterday while she enjoyed the time with Jane and suspected that Frankie was worried. Frankie had been checking up on Jane via texts from Maura these past few days and Maura knew that by skipping a full day of texts that Frankie would be on full alert. She also knew Frankie would not be happy if and when he ever found out what she and Jane had been up to. She decided to face the music and call him anyway.
"Frankie. Hi."
"Hey Maura, how's Jane? I tried texting and wondered what was happening."
"We're fine, Frankie. Dr Swen should be here the day after tomorrow."
"Is she remembering anything yet?"
"I think so, I mean we haven't talked about it, but Frankie, I do think something is happening."
"Do you need me there? I can drive up. Just say the word, I can be there in a couple hours."
"No, Frankie, no. I don't need you to come. But I might need you when we return."
"What? Why? What is happening? What are you talking about?"
"Jane asked for Dr. Swen. Jane has something to talk about. I only wish I could get her to come sooner. I'm about to make that call to her and see if she can come now."
"Ok, but let me know what's happening. Text me or something, ok?" Frankie was silently trying to remember if his car had enough fuel to get to them if they needed him.
"I will, Frankie. Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Maura. Remember, call me if you need me."
"Ok, I will."
"Good, bye Maura." The thought crossed Frankie's mind that he needed to get there and just be in the area, something in Maura's voice left him unsettled. He got everything ready just in case he needed to leave in a hurry.
Maura disconnected that call and immediately made another. Her hands were shaking by now. Nerves were getting the best of her.
She dialed Dr. Swen. Before Rachel Swen could get out her hello, Maura started, "Rachel, Jane is remembering. I don't know what to do. Rachel, I need you."
"Maura, dear, you can handle this."
"No, I can't. I need you here. I don't know how to make this right. I've handled things all wrong."
Dr. Swen said, "Maura, dear Maura. I can be there day after tomorrow. Tell me what has happened to trigger her memory and where is Jane now?"
"Showering, Jane is showering."
"Alright. What triggered her memory?"
Maura cringed. She had to tell Rachel what happened the night before. "Well, Rachel, I followed your advice! I'm not even sure if I should listen to you anymore. You told me to 'just love her'. Well, I did. We did. And now," Maura was practically shrieking. "I could lose her." Maura's anger had surpassed her fear.
"Maura. What did Jane say? What did she do to make you think she's regained her memory? And Maura, losing Jane's trust was always a risk."
"What? You're not helping. Jane said she is confused and doesn't know what is real. She had an an acute, psychobiologic reaction manifested by intense anxiety and panic right after I, I mean she, after we were together." Maura stood up straighter. She needed to express the severity of the situation. Maura pulled the phone from her ear and looked at it as if Rachel could see the anger in her face, "That sounds pretty damn serious to me." She paused a moment, glaring at the phone before putting it back to her ear and continuing. "And here I am, on some remote outpost, alone, without the proper skills or facility to care for her." Maura's own anxiety was peaking and she began to breathe in shallow breaths. Her voice became quieter. "I should take her to the hospital."
"She had an anxiety attack after you two," Rachel cleared her throat, she knew Maura was agitated and she needed her to be calm to hear her direction. "After you were intimate with Jane?"
Maura's short breaths on the other end of the line were interrupted by the tiniest whimper in the form of a very quiet "Yes."
"Alright, Maura. I am going to give you some instructions. Are you following me? Can you understand what I'm saying?"
Maura's breath began to ease a bit. "Yes, instructions. Please, I need to know what to do."
Rachel knew that keeping Maura's methodical mind busy was going to go far in making her able to handle what was happening. Dr. Swen didn't want to risk having two patients when she did finally arrive. "Listen to me Maura, first, I need you to try to remain calm yourself. You'll be no good to Jane if you, yourself, are having anxiety issues."
"Of course, that makes perfect sense." Maura's mind was already switching gears and she began to force herself to breathe normally. Deeply in and fully out. Forcing herself to relax and be as together as she could given the circumstances. She knew she needed to be there fully for Jane. "Then what, Rachel?"
"Remember that taking Jane to the hospital, if not absolutely necessary, will only serve to impact her career and damage her psyche even more. Don't forget the reason we are pursuing this form of protection for Jane is to save her from that, from everyone in her life, in her career, knowing that she has suffered a mental break. You can manage this, Maura. You can take care of her."
"Rachel, she HAS suffered a mental break and maybe she does need institutional help. What if she is damaged from NOT having gone in to the hospital?"
"Again, if she is not behaving dangerously to herself or to you, please consider her well-being and what this could do to her after this gets out to the world. You are a doctor, Maura, and a very competent one."
"Yes, but I have very little training in psychiatry and this kind of head trauma and dissociative amnesia."
"You have me, Maura." Dr. Swen was checking her schedule on her computer to see how quickly she could get to them. "I'm trying to get to you sooner, but in the meantime, I need you to follow my instructions. I have treated many patients with dissociative amnesia and I assure you, you are the best thing for Jane. Are you ready?"
"I have to be."
"Do what you can to keep Jane calm. Listen to her, but don't argue. And don't let her leave your sight. Be ready to take her to the hospital if she becomes violent. Have the hospital number in your phone in case you need help getting her there. Now, Maura, take her to the hospital as a last resort. OK?"
"Yes, last resort. I have the hospital phone number already programmed to my phone."
"Somehow I knew this would be the case, Maura. You truly are a thorough and caring doctor. You can do this." Rachel went back to her list of tasks for Maura.
Maura interrupted. "Jane said she wants to take a walk with me, to talk. Should I, should we talk about what's happening? Should I tell her what has been going on?"
"If she can't seem to wait for my arrival, then you may need to, but introduce the situation gently."
Maura's doctor friend continued to provide instructions while Jane was on the other side of the small cabin.
Jane stayed in the bed for only a few minutes after Maura walked out the door. She tried to go through what she thought she knew, but as she sat there, in the quiet, with the blanket shielding her from the light, she felt mostly in awe of the love she felt from Maura. She remembered laughing with Maura. Dinners with Maura. Saving Maura's life. She remembered all those nights talking with Maura and gradually falling for her. She also remembered feeling incredible longing for Maura. She wanted her. That's what she remembered most. Wanting Maura to be hers and feeling angry and frustrated that that could never happen. She felt as if she'd never be able to love Maura the way she wanted or to have Maura love her back. But here she was, wrapped in the blanket they shared together for these past two magical nights.
Her eyebrows pushed down and Jane's face contorted in confusion. She remembered chasing the bad guy and diving to stop him from running into Maura. She remembered the beat down and seeing Maura's face after waking. She remembered being in a fog at the hospital, needing Maura, asking for her wife. When did they get married? She still hadn't been able to remember their wedding. It really bothered her. She was so confused.
Eventually, she dragged her body from the bed and went to the shower. She stood, staring off, unfocused as the water rolled over her. Finally, she washed her hair and tried to snap out of her trance. Maybe Maura would help her understand. It was time to reveal the depths of her confusion to Maura. If she was going crazy, then no one in the world would be better to help than her Maura.
She exited the shower and dressed to go find the love of her life. It was time to tell her everything.
Long time, no see. Apologies. I've already begun the next chapter and have all remaining chapters sketched out. No turning back now. I'll appreciate your feedback.