Chapter 14

Hospital

A/N: Oh jeez I looked at my writing at the beginning then the writing at the end and I realize some chapters are okay and some really suckkkk. So sorry, I plan on rewriting them. Thank you for reading my really umm bad writing.

Sorry for the late update.

Enjoy?

"Open your eyes Isabella please."

I opened them and I saw him.

His face was merely an inch away from my face. I gasp and tried to close my eyes and tell myself that I was that this was a dream. I didn't want to give myself hope that he was here with me. That could just cause more pain. I didn't need more pain; I think more pain would just kill me. I wouldn't need to slit my wrist to die I'd just need him to reject me again to kill me.

I refused to open up my eyes I just wanted to go back and live with Violet. My house looked so friendly with her in it. I could learn to treat her better and I felt no pain with her. I wish I was still with her.

But I opened up my eyes and I saw his face and I felt myself melt. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't. I was scared that he'd disappear. I tried to stay as still as possible. I didn't want to break this moment yet all I wanted to do was cry and scream at him. I wanted to hate him. But I also wanted to love him. I felt like I was going to combust with emotions.

I don't know how long we kept staring at each other but he finally broke the silence.

"What were you thinking!?" I didn't see the transition between emotionless Edward and angry Edward but I still didn't reacted when his voice exploded in my ears. I didn't flinch when he sprang out of his seat next to me to rant fully at me. All he was doing was giving me a headache. "I get a call from Alice saying you're in the hospital. That you almost died. If we had found you a minute later you would have been dead. Dead, did you hear me Isabella DEAD. How could you do this to Charlie, and-and ME. I told you to be safe, to live on with your happy human life. But what do you do? How did this happen to you? You look like you have…."

I stopped processing everything he said. He kept screaming and I didn't understand a word he was saying. It was like everything he was saying or doing was happening in slow motion. My head felt like it was in a cloud. I couldn't move or feel anything, I just watched him talk. . I felt like my heart beat was slowing down and everything was slowing freezing.

"….Like you haven't eaten in day, and I hope you know you broke Esme's heart when she saw you like that, even Rose feels bad! How could you do this? I told you to be safe, what happened to you?" I couldn't take this lecture anymore. I had to make him stop. I tried to mentally reach out for something to make me move or speak, to make him stop talking down on me. I just had too.

I finally looked at my hand, the hand that had held Violet's hand. I saw the light that hand had had and now it was gone. I finally crunched my hand into a fist and my ice exterior finally melted away. I finally felt my heart pumping to fast and a rush of blood went to my head. I felt the events of what just had j happened the last week come slamming into my mind again. But this time I felt each blow and each insult.

I had been in a fog when I called Kathy's boyfriend about the baby. I was still in that fog when he screamed at me and accused me of drugging his pregnant girlfriend. That fog began to wear off when I was lying on the cold wet cement. I took pills to blind myself and create a sea of denial. I hit Violet and I didn't even hear her death or see it. I went home and locked myself in the bathroom and finally felt something and nothing all at the same time. I felt numbness as I tried to end my existence.

None of those emotions I had felt at the event had justified how I should have felt. I was making up for it right now. I was sober and thinking clearly. I had to revisit each event and feel the impact of them on my soul twice as hard as the first time.

I tried to block these memories out and forget about them but I couldn't. The voices, flickers of colors, and emotions of these memoires would seep though my carefully built blockade. They would leak into my mind and cause my soul to ripe into tinier pieces. I felt my sanity slowly slipping away.

I wish I could say I was sorry and feel closure. I want to make up for mess I've made but that would mean acknowledging the events that occurred and accepting that they actually happened. I couldn't do that yet.

I couldn't do that in front of Edward. I couldn't let him see the mess I had made. If he hadn't wanted me before he surely wouldn't want me now. I had to hold it together in front of him.

"Well do you have anything to say for yourself?"

I finally looked away from my empty hand and saw that he looked calmer now. He was sitting next to me. He looked hesitantly at my hand as if he wanted to hold it but I ignored that feeling. My mind was such a mess of garage that anything that I thought was probably untrue or never happened.

I still didn't have anything to say to him, I was trying so hard not to cry and beg for forgiven. I was trying to beat away at the nightmares that threatened to explode. I knew if I looked at him, the carefully constructed denial I had held on to for so long would turn to dust. I would then vomit up the horrible deeds I had done and wouldn't be able to clean up the mess.

I felt his finger tips gently grab my chin and pull my face up to look at his. I tried to stare at the ceiling so that my eyes wouldn't meet his but he finally captured my eyes with his. I felt my brown eyes look into his equally dark eyes. I gasped at the feeling this caused me. it made me want to cry. Because when I looked into his eyes all I saw was innocence. I saw a boy who hadn't hit someone with a car or done drugs. Someone that didn't infect everyone that came near him; someone that was tried to be a good person, someone who constantly battled with his own instincts and won each day. He took bad and made it good. He was the opposite of me.

I was weak and evil. I couldn't control temptation or urges. I was impulsive and didn't care who I hurt as long as I got my drugs. I didn't deserve him and I shouldn't have him.

I couldn't look at him anymore. I panicked. I couldn't be near him. The room was too small and he was to kind. I need to get away, be by myself. I needed darkness, numbness. I was tired of feeling.

I pulled my face out of his grip. I quickly tried to reach for something to grab for so that I could pull myself out of bed. I couldn't find anything. I finally rolled out of bed and felt the IV yanking on my skin. I pulled it out of my vein. I winced at the pain and got to my feet. I looked at Edward because it might be the last time I saw him.

He looked stunned and like he was about to get up but didn't. His face was a perfect picture of winter, Bitter cold, yet beautiful. His thoughts seemed too preoccupied so I ran off. I needed to get away from him. I couldn't be near perfection when my soul was threatening to spill over.

I ran out of the room trying to find a place to be alone and finally break down but the hallway was filled with people left and right.

I felt claustrophobic.

There were too many faces, too much sound. I need silence. I felt my head spinning as I trying to find a quiet place to hide at.

There wasn't enough air in this hall way.

I needed air fast, or I was going to faint.

I finally felt my hand reach for a doorknob and open a door blindly letting myself into a random room. I slammed the door.

I slide down against the door trying to refill my lungs with air.

I finally felt alone and I wanted to enjoy the feeling but I couldn't.

I felt the tears slip down my face as I remembered the last month, I tried to ignore them but couldn't.

I felt the images in my mind paint a water color of the destruction I had created.

I tried to distract myself by staring at my hands but they were trembling.

I tried to get them to stop but they wouldn't. I just watch the fall shake.

I tried to calm myself down but couldn't.

This made me so angry I had no control over anything or myself.

Why couldn't my damn hands stay still two seconds.

I kept trying to pull myself together all this time and I failed every time. I failed at getting over Edward over ever having any control of my life.

I was supposed to be a mature independent creature yet I constantly needed help and knew it.

I needed help.

I needed to find myself.

But I didn't know how to and part of my secretly didn't want to either……….

A/N: hit or miss??????????

I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to update. But I'm having some major issues and writers block just in general. I feel pretty fucking bad.

So I will try my best to wish up this story as fast as I can. But I'm having writers blocker.

Bella and Edward will nuc it out next chapter.

Don't worry this is the calm before the storm?

Edward's POV will come when my writer's block stops being soo fucking horrible.