Author's Note:
As always, thank you to the wonderful ct522 for being my beta. You have challenged me and encouraged me, and without you this story would still be in my head and I would be waiting around for someone else to write it. I love you girl!
To the readers- for all of the views and readings, the likes/favorites/kudos/follows/everything's! Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love this little world and I am so happy to share it with you. Thank you for sharing it with me!
This is a story of Katniss Everdeen and her return to her home. It's about her growth and her healing. So I thank Suzanne Collins for creating this complex, all too human character- without her none of us would be here!
Enjoy!
District 12- Moving On
She's had a few more dinners with the others, and now Katniss brought her 'special' stew. Thom gave her a pretty big hint when they went to the woods together, that hunting may not be as "off limits" as Katniss had thought. She's gotten a few squirrels here and there, but she didn't want to push her luck. Thom was the most impressed with the stew, complimenting her over and over on the flavor with a wink of his eye.
While she feels comfortable being with the others, and knows she is a welcome addition to their parties, she still isn't one for talking. She still prefers to sit outside the group, watching the others. So she, and usually Leevy, end up sitting off to the side, just watching, observing really. Katniss enjoys the solidarity she feels with Leevy at this time as the only two Seam girls in the bunch. Only they and Thom understand what life was like for them before the war, how dire the poverty really was. It bonds them together now.
It's during these dinners that Katniss begins to notice some of the looks that Rhea gives when she thinks no one is looking. Mostly she gives them to Peeta, although some are cast in Katniss' direction. Were they looks of longing? Of envy? Katniss isn't sure. She wonders if she should say anything to Peeta? Or maybe even Leevy? But what she and Peeta have is still new, still fragile in her eyes. She's not ready to hear an answer she may not like. So, Katniss remains silent, but still aware of Rhea.
They've been dancing around each other for some time now, Katniss and Peeta. They work in the garden together some days. They talk in the yard when she's coming home from the woods or time with Janie, or when he's coming or going to the bakery. He comes for supper, they sit and talk. It begins as a quick grazing of hands and smiling shyly at one another. Then he's putting his arm around her, holding her hand more frequently, little touches here and there. Katniss would often find him staring at her, of course, because she was staring back.
Just as he was getting ready to leave one evening, before he stood up, he took a deep breath, turned suddenly, and leaned over and gave Katniss a sweet, gentle kiss. Nothing much really, merely grazing her lips, but there was a promise in it. Then, with a smile on his face, he turned to go, leaving a happy, if confused Katniss, sitting on the porch.
As time went on, it happened more frequently. And soon the grazes to the lips turn into something more. The kisses begin to deepen. His hand on her face, her neck, in her hair. She reaches out to him, running her hand up and down his arm, running her fingers in his hair, holding the back of his head. They spend a lot of time this way, in the evenings.
Katniss realizes how much she has missed this, how hungry she was for it. This intimate contact with someone, with Peeta. It had been so long, that she forgot how good it was. But now that she has it, she's not going to give it up easily. So any questions she may have about Rhea can wait, she decides. Because, at this point in time, it's obvious to her that Peeta is here with her because she is the one he choses to be with.
Katniss also spends more time with Janie. It doesn't slip her notice that many of the children in the Home aren't there any longer, they've been adopted out to families in the community, and there are new, younger children in their place. This gets Katniss thinking about Janie. What would she do if Janie were adopted by someone?
Katniss doesn't know when it happened, but little Janie has become a very important person in her life. Maybe it happened that first day they met, when the little girl found out Katniss was just a regular person, like everyone else. Not a real Mockingjay, no wings. It would break her heart if she couldn't see Janie every day like she has been. It gives Katniss something to ponder.
"Oh Miss Katniss!" exclaims Janie breathlessly. "It's so beautiful here!"
Katniss has taken Janie into the woods for a picnic. It's Janie's first time going into this forbidden place, so she is in a bit of awe at her surroundings.
"This is where I learned to hunt, and to look for food," Katniss explains, smiling down at the girl. "When you're a little older, I'll take you down to the lake where my father taught me how to swim."
"Really?" Janie asks excitedly.
"Yes, really," Katniss smiles back.
"Miss Katniss," Janie says, "can you tell me about your father again?"
"Miss Katniss" Katniss thinks. She's tried to get Janie to just call her Katniss, but, like a little goose, the name has been imprinted on Janie and she just can't let it go. Little Goose. So much like a Little Duck I knew…
There are many things about Janie that remind Katniss of Prim. Her blond hair, the way people can't help but fall in love with her, the way she looks at the world as if it's full of wonder and beautiful things.
But there are other things about Janie that are just hers alone. How she laughs at Buttercup when he gets into a scrape. How she's interested in all things "Katniss", even hunting and the woods. How she keeps to herself, unless you've given her a reason to like you. But what Katniss really loves about Janie is her ability to speak up for herself, even to Haymitch.
The other day, when Janie was visiting Katniss out in the Village, the geese had gotten loose again. After helping Katniss wrangle them up and put them back into the pen, Janie marched right up to Haymitch, who sat on his front porch the whole time just watching them do his work, and shook her finger at him, "Shame on you Mr. Haymitch! You need to do a better job taking care of those geese. If you don't, Buttercup will eat them up, and I won't even mind!"
Haymitch almost fell off his chair laughing at that, "Don't need to worry about that one Sweetheart! She's terrifying all on her own!"
"Miss Katniss!" Janie says, breaking Katniss out of her thoughts. Janie loves to hear stories of Katniss's past, of her growing up in 12. Katniss tells her about her father, how he worked deep underground in the coal mines, under where the medicine factory now sits.
She had a happy childhood. It was uncomplicated, and though they were poor, Katniss knew she was loved and cared for. It was a time and a place that is gone forever, only these stories keep the memories alive for Katniss, and keep her father alive too.
They spend the afternoon in the woods. Katniss points out some of the berries and food they could forage. She makes sure Janie knows to never put anything into her mouth unless Katniss tells her she can. Katniss rarely needs to be firm with Janie, but in this instance, Janie knows Katniss means business.
As the sun starts to dip in the west, Katniss takes Janie back to the Home. She needs to get back in time for supper. Peeta is coming over and she wants to make sure everything will be ready.
"Peeta," Katniss says that evening after supper as they're sitting on her porch. "I've been thinking about Janie." She stops to think about what to say next. "It looks like a lot of the children from the Home have been adopted out… I'm just not sure what I'd do if that happened to Janie…"
"And?" Peeta says with a knowing grin.
"And?" Katniss answers, a bit confused. "What does that mean?"
"It means, 'what are you thinking'?"
"I'm thinking I'd like Janie to come live with me." This is the first time Katniss has said this out loud, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth she felt a weird mixture of both fear and confidence about the idea.
"So, you want to know what I think? You already know that answer. I think you're going to have a little girl come live with you." Peeta grins back.
"I will?" she asks unsurely.
"Yes, you will. And you will love that girl with the same fierce protectiveness that you loved Prim. Because you already do," he answers confidently. "So tomorrow, first thing, I think you need to hightail it to town, talk to Thom, then head over to the Home and talk to Rhea."
"Do you think it's that easy?"
"Yes." he answers confidently. "I do. Then, you're going to come back here and make one of these rooms in your house ready for that girl so she can move in as soon as possible. While I'm in town, I'll pick up some paint and we'll decorate that room. And it will be a dream come true for her."
"But what about you?" Katniss asks, still unsure.
"What about me?"
"Where do you fit into this 'dream'?"
"Right here Katniss," he says with a smile, putting his arm around her. "Right here beside you all the way." And he gives her a squeeze.
It's this familiarity, the two of them together again, a team, but more so, that Katniss is afraid of losing. So when she asks him where he fits, she's asking because she's afraid of losing what they've attained.
She realizes she's misjudged Peeta once again. He's there for her. He's always been there for her. And with this new adventure with Janie, he will still be there for her. Although now, he'll be there for both Katniss and Janie.
The next morning, instead of her required phone call to Thom, Katniss meets him in his office at 8.
"Hello Katniss! What can I do for you today?"
"Thom," she speaks up nervously, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "I've noticed a lot of the children from the home have been adopted out."
"Yep, that's true Katniss. That's the goal of each of the Community Homes. Take care of children until someone is willing to adopt them. That way, all of the children who need to be cared for can be. It's not a perfect system, but we are trying."
"I was wondering though, what about me?"
"What about you?"
"Well," she begins. "I'm wondering if I could adopt someone?"
"That would fall under Rhea's jurisdiction. She has final say about placement of the children."
"But, would I be allowed to? If Rhea thinks it's OK?"
"Katniss, I know what you're getting at. I can't think of one person in Panem that would have a problem with you adopting Janie. If Rhea thinks it's OK, then it's OK."
"But does she know about me? About my past?"
"She knows what everyone else in Panem knows. If Rhea had a problem with you and Janie, you wouldn't be spending time with her now. Rhea may be young, but she's got a good head on her shoulders. She knows what's what when it comes to those kids."
With a bit more confidence Katniss leaves Thom's office and begins to head over to the Home. She hopes to see Rhea before she sees Janie, and she wonders if she should phone first. So, instead of heading to the Home, she turns and goes to the Bakery, hoping Peeta will let her use the phone.
"Well, well, well! This is a pleasant surprise! And a great pick me up after the morning rush!" Peeta exclaims as Katniss walks through the front door of the shop. This makes Katniss blush, but in a pleasantway.
"Can I borrow your phone?"
"What? No hello Peeta! Can I have some of your buns?"
"Ha, ha. Hello Peeta, hope your day is going well."
"It is, we're in our morning lull, so my assistants are on their break. I'm just straightening up out here. Come on back, I'll show you the phone." He says as he turns to go into the back of the bakery.
Katniss has only been to the front of the shop, so she can't help but look around as they head back into the office area.
"Looks a lot like it did before…" and she pauses, afraid she's brought up a memory.
"Yeah. It's all I know. The layout, the ovens, they worked for us back… before… and it works for me now. Of course, the ovens are a bit newer, a bit nicer. Victor's Pay is useful for some things" he says ironically.
"Here, the office is this way" and he leads her through a doorway off to the side. Once inside she sees there's not much to the space. A desk with a lamp, a phone, papers strewn about it. On the walls she sees beautiful paintings.
"Peeta, are these yours?"
Peeta puts his arm around her, "Yeah. Some I did while I was in the Capitol, the scenes I could remember of home" as he looks to some of the landscapes. Katniss thinks one looks like the view from the stage after their first reaping. She remembers trying to imprint it on her brain, afraid it was the last time she would see it. Hoping it would give her strength for what was about to happen.
"Some I painted after I got back" and he points to pictures of the town in the process of rebuilding. "But my favorite pictures are out front. They're of the Bakery before and the Bakery now. Reminds me that my family may be gone, but they still live on in my memories and others'."
Katniss pulls back a bit at this. She doesn't like to think about before. Doesn't want to think about what it was like then. It's too painful, even now. She knows it's necessary, but it's one of those things she'd rather set aside and move on from. "So, umm, the phone?"
"Oh yeah! Right here" and he moves so she can get behind the desk to use it. "There's a phone list on the wall above. Who are you calling? If you don't mind me asking?"
"Um, Rhea at the Home. I thought it would be better to phone ahead. I didn't want to run into Janie just yet."
"Oh! Does this mean what I think it means?" He smiles teasingly.
"It does Peeta. If Rhea approves, and Janie wants to, it looks like Janie will be coming to live with me." Katniss is afraid to hope too much, but saying it out loud to Peeta gives her some confidence.
"I wouldn't worry Katniss. I'll go out front to give you some privacy. The phone number's up on the wall under Home. Just come on out when you're finished." he kisses her gently, and he walks out of the office, closing the door behind him.
Katniss takes a big breath, picks up the phone and begins to dial before she can talk herself out of it.
"Rhea, it's Katniss…"
Katniss heads back to the Justice Building. She's meeting Rhea there to sign the papers. She's part giddy just thinking about it. In a matter of a week or two Janie will be living with her. She'll be responsible for another person. It's overwhelming at first. She still has her days when it's hard to get out of bed, but since she's been with Janie, those days have gotten fewer and fewer. Other's know she struggles with those dark days, but no one has said this in order to discourage her from adopting Janie. Maybe they all think it will be good?
After signing the papers and discussing with Rhea what the best timeline for Janie's move would be (the next week, before the new school year begins), Katniss makes another unscheduled stop.
"Hello Katniss!" Anya exclaims. Their visits have gotten fewer as time has gone on. Now Katniss checks in with her occasionally just to touch base, but she is forever grateful that Anya always has an open door for her.
"I'm doing something I never thought I would, Anya. I'm adopting a little girl." Katniss sits on a chair opposite Anya.
"Well, this is a big step. Have you thought this through? What this might mean for you?" Anya is always so calm, but challenges Katniss just the same.
"I have, and I decided it might be worse for me, and for her, if I didn't adopt her. But, I wanted to talk to you about… things…"
Anya knows exactly what those things are. "Those dark days? How are they?"
"Better. Truly, they are. And having to be up and ready to spend time with Janie each day has helped with that. That's why I thought I could adopt her, that it could be a good thing. She helps me, you know? And I know I help her too."
"Having someone else to be responsible for does help, but it isn't the answer to all of your problems."
"I know." she sighs. "But I know that Peeta will be there too. He helps, and Janie trusts him. He won't be a stranger to her."
"Then, I guess you have your answer?"
"Yeah, I guess I do." Katniss feels even more confident about this idea now.
"My phone is always on for you. For whatever you may need. You know that, right?"
"I do. Thank you Anya. Do you think I should set up more regular times again? Maybe with Janie too?"
"I think that's a great idea. I'd love to meet this girl that has touched you, Katniss. And it might be a good idea for her to have someone to help her through this transition as well. You may both love each other, but that doesn't mean she won't have some issues with all of this. She's going to need some patience, you know that right?"
"I do. And thank you. Thank you for everything!"
She leaves with an appointment set for both her and Janie for the following week. One more item checked off of her list. Now back to the bakery for the final item on her agenda.
"Prim's room Katniss? Are you sure?"
Katniss looks up from her spot on the floor in the middle of the room to see Peeta standing in the doorway, two cans of paint in his hands. She didn't expect to see him there, didn't realize the time. She's been working in the room all afternoon, and just now realizes how late it's gotten.
She takes a deep breath and stands, brushing herself off, "Yes. I said goodbye to Prim a long time ago. Now it's time to bring some life back into this room. Plus, it is the best room, and it's close to mine." She says, defending her choice.
"OK, I just want to make sure you're ok with this." Peeta adds, bringing the paint into the room.
"Sae came by earlier and helped me move some things." she says, nodding her head. "What was specifically 'Prim' I put into a box that's up in the attic right now. I gave some to Sae for her granddaughter, and then I bagged up all of the clothes. Sae promises to send them to another district. Says she doesn't want me to have to worry about seeing Prim's clothes on someone else in town, but they were too nice to just throw away."
Katniss looks around the bare room- a bed, a dresser, a bedside table, and a nice sized closet. She's starting to see some potential for a little girl's room. And she's determined this room will be Janie's alone, and not Prim's. It's time.
"I know in my house there are tarps and paint supplies in the basement," Peeta interrupts her thoughts. "I assume your basement has the same?"
"I'm pretty sure," she nods. "Let's go down and check. Then we can have something to eat and get to work on the room this evening." Katniss says with determination.
Peeta brings the supplies up from the basement and up to the room while Katniss heats up some stew she's had left over. By the time Peeta comes downstairs, after preparing everything upstairs, the table is set, stew is cooling in the bowls, and a loaf of warmed bread is in the middle of the two place settings.
"Looks like a fine meal for a job like this!" Peeta says encouragingly.
Katniss has been quiet. Determined, but quiet. She thinks Peeta might be afraid she's going to sink into a bit of a depression. "It'll fill us up just fine, get us ready for work." she smiles at him and motions for him to sit.
They dig into the meal, and Katniss fills Peeta in on her day.
Later that evening, as they sit on the floor of Janie's new room, the walls all painted a soft pink, Katniss leans in to kiss Peeta.
"What was that for?" he asks a bit teasingly.
"To thank you. Thank you for helping me do all of this, for the paint, and the support. And for just being you." She leans in for another kiss.
"Well, if that's what it takes to get a kiss from you, I guess I'm going to have to find more projects to help you with around the house! Because kisses from Katniss Everdeen are something I've been enjoying lately, and I'd hate to lose them!"
"I don't think you need to worry about losing my kisses Peeta" Katniss says, enjoying the banter. She never had the chance to be a girl like this. One that could tease the boys and wear dresses and worry about who was going out with whom. She was either worrying about her sister, worrying about The Games, or fighting a war. Then, when she was at the Ranch, there definitely wasn't time for any of this. She's finding that with Peeta, it seems to come naturally. She likes how it makes her feel confident. And she sees the way he looks at her, she sees the fire in his eyes. She knows he likes this side of Katniss too.
He leans in to deepen the kiss, but instead, Katniss pulls away and stands up. She offers him her hand, "Come on! Let's go downstairs. The fumes are starting to get to me in here." Before they leave, they open the windows and close the door to keep Buttercup out for the night.
Once they're downstairs Peeta pulls her into his embrace. "You're doing the right thing here, you know that right? And you know I'm with you 100% right?"
"Yes. I do. I appreciate you so much," and she wraps her arms around his neck as they meet each other in the middle. These kisses, that at first were somewhat chaste, have begun to stoke a fire in Katniss that she'd almost forgot she had. She thinks about that first time they kissed, in the cave, the one that meant something to her. And she thinks of all of the other times they've kissed since then, both for the camera's and for themselves. She definitely likes the kisses they've shared lately the most. Two adults, choosing for themselves who they will kiss, who they will love.
Love? What? Where did that come from? Katniss wonders in her head. Do I love Peeta? I know I don't want to live another day without him around. I know how important he is to me.
This realization, which seems to have come from nowhere, hits Katniss hard. To know Peeta is an important person to her is one thing. But to love him? That's something else entirely. She's put all of this emotion aside for so long, because to dwell on it would only have fueled the depression she worked so hard to keep at bay in 10.
"Peeta", Katniss says as she breaks the kiss. "What are we doing?"
"Well, last time I checked, when two people put their lips together, it means they're kissing," he says with a touch of sarcasm.
"No. I mean, what's going on between us?" She didn't intend to have this conversation now, but she also can't seem to stop herself from asking the question either.
"I'd like to think we're working on a relationship here," he answers back nervously.
"Really?" she answers hopefully
"Yeah, really! Katniss," he responds, a bit of relief in his voice. "I know what I said before, in the games. You're it for me. I still feel that way. The Capitol tried to change that, but all they ended up doing was muddling my brain and making me afraid. My feelings never went away, they just warred with the false memories they gave me. But, I'm hoping that you feel the same way about me?"
This is the last thing she thought they'd be doing tonight, but Katniss thinks it's probably the best time. Because Janie is coming to live with her and there needs to be some security for both of them now.
"I do Peeta! I do. I was so afraid when I first came back. I was afraid everyone had left me and moved on. But you were always there. Even when I ran away from you, you stood by me. Until one day, I realized how important you were to me. I want this. I want us."
With this declaration, Peeta can't keep the smile off of his face. She can see him trying to not smile so big, but he's failing. "Katniss, I promise you that I will be here for you and for Janie."
"Always?"
"Always."