Part 14: A delayed proposal

Being a restless soul, Sirius could hardly make it through a day without getting detention for something. Tonight it was for replacing professor Figley's evening chamomile with liberty cap tea. Nobody liked Figley, so it had all been done in the name of good intentions. But Sirius wasn't just restless, he was also impulsive and thoughtless and easily distracted. No matter how hard he tried to develop plans for not getting caught, something would always catch his attention and his timing would always suffer as a result.

This time he had been distracted by the exam that was coming up in less than a week. It had lied there on the writing desk, shining like a Holy Grail, and he had thought it would be fun to do some quick manipulation. Long story short, it had all resulted in Figley chasing him around the 8th floor with a chainsaw and wearing nothing but a badly tied dressing gown, being in a temporary psychotic state from the tea as he already was. McGonagall had caught them both quickly enough, made her deductions and gave Sirius the punishment of enveloping 600 admittance letters. Secretly she appreciated handing out detentions because it meant less tedious work for her.

And it was very tedious, too. And since there is no restless soul that can handle tedious, Sirius had fetched some Little Mouse Traps from a dusty corner of the office. Little Mouse Traps were bugs that looked like mouse traps, much like how stick insects look like sticks. It made sense from an evolutionary purpose, too; they were often found by actual mouse holes in the wall, because they fed off mouse babies. But they were kind of the termites of the wizarding world and weren't picky with their food.

This is why he got the neat idea of stuffing the letters with the bugs. Because they had sharp teeth and another favourite food of theirs was ink.

This could be achieved because it was poker night in the teacher's lounge.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. McGonagall wouldn't knock. Could it be another professor or just some student? He shoved all the bugs in the top drawer of McGonagall's desk, just to be safe.

It was a student indeed, but not just any random student. It was Reggie, as a matter of fact. And he was wearing that ear hat again. But when he realized that he was still wearing the earhat (he had put it on for motivation), he removed it quickly and hit it behind his back.

"That was just… It's cold" he explained poorly.

"Not my business. McGonagall isn't in right now" Sirius stretched, he really couldn't sit for long before he started feeling stiff. "Can I take a message?"

"I just thought…" Reggie took some hesitating steps further into the office. "Wow that Miss Gwynfryn, she sounds unreal!"

No response. All he received was a blank poker face.

"I sure would like to meet her"

"You should have gone to that boat thing, then"

"I would have, except it's against the rules to leave Hogwarts grounds on weekdays after six"

"Suit yourself"

Scenarios did never play out how you pictured them in your head. Somehow Reggie had pictured a more drastic change in personality. It would probably have been easier to work with.

"More opportunities will turn up, I'm sure" he said. "When is it? The wedding, I mean"

"April 15"

"That's like in two weeks!"

"It was the quickest date we could get"

"Where is she now? Just… making conversations"

"You came here to make conversations?"

"I thought… I was in the area anyway"

"How'd you even know I was here?"

"I heard talk!"
People did talk a lot at Hogwarts. Reggie found the explanation perfectly realistic. He could have easily heard some girls mention it while he was around the corner or something. Why not?

But considering that not even James knew where he was yet, Sirius found it very unrealistic. As if a sudden need for small talk wasn't unrealistic already.

"Ok, fine" said Reggie, when he realized that his lies were pretty weak. "I wanted to ask about Miss Gwynfryn, is that so weird? There's been a lot of talk! I assumed you had detentions, because when don't you? Professor McGonagall said you were here"

Sirius grabbed a bunch of admittance letters and envelopes, leaned back and swung his legs onto the desk and proceeded with the enveloping.

"Ask away"

"Is it true that her blood is liquid crystal?"

"Yep"
"Have you seen it?"

"Yep"

"So?"

"'So' what?"

"Where does this put you on the scale of 'Will someone please think of the muggles?' to 'Kill all the muggles!'?"

"Nowhere. I still maintain that we should just kill all the idiots, like I always have"

"Then why are you doing it?"

Sirius bothered to look up from the letters to shoot Reggie a patronizing look.

"For the money! Duh!"
"So… But…" Reggie wondered why he was so unchanged, had the liquid crystal not had any effect on him after all?

"Once I turn 17: ca-ching"

"And she? Does she know it's all for the money?"

"Of course"

"Why would you confess this? You know I'll tell on you"

"So what?"

"Well, no ca-ching for you if I out you"
"What do they care why I do it? Just that I do it at all is all that matters. Driving me away would be driving her away, and they don't want that"

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't be the end of it, now would it?" Sometimes Reggie talked before thinking. Much like he had just did.

"What do you mean?"

Reggie blushed a little. Those Veela genetics had done nothing for his shy disposition.

"I mean, I'm just as eligible as you, aren't I? If she's only in it for the money too, I mean"

"I don't know… I'll get more money than you, so… The older one is always more valuable, that's just how it works. So they won't exactly just settle with you marrying someone fancy unless they absolutely have to"

That was indeed how it worked. Reggie studied McGonagall's shelf pensively for a moment. A magnifying glass lied on top of a pile of books. He grabbed it and started examining the room through it.

"But wait" he said. "It's not just the money, is it? For her, I mean. It's the lineage. Why would she marry you if she knew that you'll just send for the divorce papers after you've cut the cake?"

"I already have the divorce papers. But I will have to save them for our anniversary"

"So why shouldn't I tattle tale now again?"

"I never said you shouldn't. I said it would be of no use. Go and tell everybody but it would hardly surprise anybody that much. And Siobhan has her own incentive, doesn't she? She won't care, she will rather convince herself that she can stop me and control me than give up and settle for the second best"

Sirius was quite impressed with how convincing he sounded, when he was really just winging it. But it wasn't very challenging. Reggie had always been preciously gullible. He tossed the letters and envelopes onto the desk.

"Wizard genetic theory is really adorable" he went on. "The basic principle is this: the older the purer. So Siobhan has not only one but two reasons to not let go of me that easily. When it comes to liquid crystal offspring, I am her safest bet where she is concerned"

"Nothing about that makes sense" said Reggie, but unwillingly believing it all nonetheless.

Sirius leaned forwards and put his elbows on the desk.

"You don't say! Anyway, it doesn't really matter if it makes sense or not. It can't be proven on any scientific level either way. All she can do is decide what the safest bet would be through whatever warped excuse for reasoning she can find. And the safest bet would be moi"

A cuckoo clock on the wall started hooting as the clock stroke 9. Reggie didn't just feel all around confused, but also side tracked. The door opened and McGonagall entered the room. She started pulling the chiffonier drawers, muttering about some valuable ring that had belonged to her mother. Coincidentally, Sirius slid a ring off his finger silently and slipped it into his pocket.

Then McGonagall turned to him.

"Why aren't you enveloping?"

"I got interrupted!"
So McGonagall fixed her sternness at Reggie next.

"Visitors during detention hours are frowned upon. Besides, curfew's started. Back to the dungeons with you"

Reggie left, feeling a little crestfallen for not having achieved what he had set out to achieve. That was an annoying feeling. He had forgotten his goal completely. And he could honestly not think of any other way to find out than just go back and ask. McGonagall swished by him, ring in hand along with a whole bunch of jewelry and even a bit of cash, before Reggie had had a chance to wonder if she was still in her office. But now he knew that the coast was clear again for sure. He didn't knock the second time.

"What are you doing?" he stared at the little mouse traps that crawled all over the desk.

"Er, nothing"

Sirius was conflicted. He didn't know if it was worth sweeping them back into the drawers for Reggie or not. He had only started doing that because he thought it was McGonagall that had realized that she had forgotten to check his socks as well.

"Enveloping, what does it look like?" he said.

"Anyway, I just remembered-"

"You heard McGonagall! Visitors are frowned upon!"
"I'll be brief this time! Where is Miss Gwynfryn?"

Was it weird to call your future sister in all 'Miss'? Did he sound a little too eager to find out?

"I'm just curious, that's all…"

Reggie was just terrible at lying. Maybe he should have asked some other time. Was he acting suspicious?

"She's at Dragonscales" Sirius replied.

"Oh. I suppose she won't be back until the wedding?"

There really was no reason to feel guilty, Reggie thought. There was nothing strange about him asking these questions. There was just something about being a Death Eater novice that just made you feel like a criminal, even if you really were just trying to make the world a purer place.

"No. She won't" Sirius fingers were starting to become read from all the tiny bite marks. But it was worth it.

Reggie left yet again, without saying another word. History of resentment aside, he was still just a teensy bit disappointed that he was worth less attention than little mouse traps. He had wanted the liquid crystal to explain the sudden change of temper in his mum, but there was obviously nothing magical too it. Just placebo. She had just finally met somebody she didn't resent, for the first time in her life. The only question left now was: how could he meet Siobhan before the wedding? He really couldn't think of any other way than to just go to China himself.

The clock hit 10. It was quite peaceful in the dorm, which was rare but hardly surprising, considering Sirius hadn't returned from detentions yet. A record was spinning on the gramophone. Being the reigning dorm champion at rock, scissors and parchment, James had selected some The Sweet to toss around pom poms to as he lied in bed kicking them around and not wanting to go to bed but not having anybody to go and kill time with for the time being.

And Remus was always at his least talkative when he was reading. And when Sirius wasn't around to tell off, scold, correct and to be generally provoked by. And even when he wasn't reading he wasn't usually that interested in looking for treasure in the teacher's drawers, especially not after curfew, although it didn't exactly make sense to do it before curfew.

"So, will you get married for real or not?" James asked. "Or will you get someone to pretend?"

"The position as faux vicar is free, if you're interested" Remus replied, flipping a page.

"Hm… Do I want to help you fake a marriage, or do I want to see you get married for real just for my own amusement…"

"You're not the only candidate"

"Hm, will I find all the plausible candidates and convince them not to help you, by bribes or blackmailing or other means, for my amusement, or will I make things easy for you guys…"

"You think you're the only one who can bribe and blackmail?"

"Have you picked out a dress yet?"

"Would you like to see me in it?"

The door creaked open as the B-side came to an end. The first thing Sirius did was to replace Desolation Boulevard with Sheer Heart Attack. The second thing he did was to throw himself on his bed and then solve some naughty crosswords.

"Padfoot do you wanna look for treasure?" James asked really nicely.

"Now? They will be back in their rooms now. Why didn't you come and rescue me or something?"

"Because I'm not that desperate to maybe catch you with your courtesan of the evening! I'm never rescuing you again"
"While you hung out here tossing pom-poms and fantasizing about me with a courtesan" Sirius started taking off his socks. "I just had my own treasure hunt!"

He removed maybe ten foot rings from each ankle.

"Look at the emeralds on this one!" Sirius dangled it coaxingly. "By the way, we will need a faux vicar-"

"Why bother faking it anyway? You've had all the practice; you might as well do it for real"

Sirius shook his head. "You're sick. You fantasize about me with courtesans, and about guys getting married. What are you, a girl?"

He tossed a ring to Remus.

"By the way, will you marry me?"

"You just took it off your toe" Remus crinkled nose and touched the ring it with a pen, noticing some engravings. "Who's Minerva?"

"You're so unromantic" James told Sirius. "Is that a way to treat the woman you're going to marry?"

"But I don't actually want her, remember?" said Sirius, returning to his cross words.

"You could treat me with a little more respect, considering I had three other proposals at that garden thing" said Remus, returning to his homework and shivering at the memory. "By gentlemen that have a lot more money than you do. My liquid crystal is like some placebo aphrodisiac"

Sirius lowered the paper again, suddenly remembering.

"Why did I ever say that? I can't decide if it was brilliant or stupid. I should have known that people will want proof"
"So fake it" said James.

"How?"

The room wasn't exactly bursting with alternatives. The wind was quite still tonight so crickets could be heard quite clearly, even if they were far above ground.

"Perhaps if you turned a unicorn into a person" Remus pondered.

"A marionette unicorn person? Really?" said James. "No, you should just-"

"-It wouldn't talk, so you'd have to make it like a marionette-" Remus pondered some more.

"Did you also have some mushroom tea tonight?"

"It would be perfectly doable!"
"Why don't you just do like they do in the movies and plant some bags of slivery substance where they might try and cut you?"

"But what if it runs out too soon or flows weirdly or something?" Sirius asked.

"Or a marionette unicorn person, that'll attract less suspicion"