BB-8 rolls to the furthest wall of the room and leans back. The blue holographic form of a life-sized Rey blooms, kneeling next to Poe.
"Leia… First, I want you to understand that I am not defecting. I believe in the cause of the Resistance, and I would never do anything intentionally to harm it, or my friends within it. I should have told you all of this months ago, in person.
"I found Luke on a hermit planet called Ahch-To, in the ruins of the first Jedi temple. While I was there, I had my first Force bond connections with Kylo Ren."
Holo-Rey looks down for a moment, before raising her eyes once more. She stands and paces. Her eyes have lost their previous fire- she's softened at the memory of him.
"I don't know how the bond started. Neither of us initiated it. I was so angry with him, after Han, and how he hunted me, cut Finn down… but I could feel him suffering. I hated the compassion I felt for- for that monster. It was there, though, and I began to understand him, if only a little.
"Luke taught me, but only because he wanted me to understand why he wouldn't teach me. The ancient Jedi I learned about on Ahch-To weren't only Light. They taught a balance between light and dark. The ruins were built on a place of strong Light and Dark forces, and there was cave in the middle of the island. I was called there, and I saw things I still don't understand, about my past, my family, my future… Ben helped me. He understood me, in ways no one else ever had. He told me I wasn't alone. We were able to touch hands through the bond, and we both had different visions of our future. In mine, I saw Ben at my side, with you, creating a New Republic.
"Luke found us. He must have felt Ben's presence… I learned why Ben ran. I saw both memories, from Luke and Ben. I think Snoke was able to influence Luke for just long enough the night Ben destroyed the academy. Luke almost killed him, based on a premonition of his darkness. Ben woke up to Luke's lightsaber at his head. Luke came back to himself, couldn't strike, but Ben saw him and…
"I made the decision to go to the Supremacy and help your son escape the First Order.
"He was convinced his vision was true. He saw me at his side, ruling the First Order together. He took me to his master… Snoke said he created the bridge in our minds. I don't know that I ever believed that. If someone so horrible could create this, why does it feel so…"
They watch as she wraps her arms around herself, quiet and thoughtful, but she's like that for only a moment. Something alerts her and her eyes snap to the right. She releases her arms and continues pacing.
"There's so much to say! I don't have enough time- when I wouldn't bow to Snoke, he was going to kill me, but Ben stopped him. He killed Snoke and we protected each other from the Praetorian Guard. Everything flowed, Leia. It was like… It was like he told me the truth. He meant it. I wasn't alone.
"He asked me to join him, and a part of me wanted to. I felt his overwhelming Darkness but I also felt the Light he'd buried down. He mirrored me. It hurt, knowing I couldn't stay with him. My friends would die, and the fleet was being destroyed… I had to leave, but he thought I meant to attack. We both reached for Luke's lightsaber with the Force. We were too well-matched and we broke it in half. The power from the break knocked him unconscious. I couldn't leave him undefended… I left him his lightsaber... You know the rest of what happened that day.
"After Crait, we were… we both... Our bond got stronger over time, despite us both fighting it. If Snoke had created the bond, it would've disappeared with his death, right? It was horrible, being so close every day, not only seeing each other, but also knowing each other's thoughts, feelings, concerns, daily routines, and then having to pretend we weren't going mad! It was too much. He found a way to temporarily sever the bond first, and I learned how through him when we were reconnected. I cut him out and it was torture. I couldn't bear to use the Force. Everything felt wrong. Then it reconnected, again. I couldn't hold it at bay anymore. When I let go, I could finally breathe.
"The datapad must have been moved to my side. I didn't recognize it when you called me to your quarters. He was holding it once, until I blocked the bond, and I suppose he dropped it? I didn't even know we could pass physical items to each other. It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, and you must think I'm absolutely insane.
"Ben is still in there. I know it. I look at him and I see your stubbornness, and Han's compassion, and I see… Force, this is so hard to explain. He's just… he's so much more than his darkness. I don't know everything he's done, how horrible the pain he's caused is, but...
"Poe said you have a bond with Ben, like you did with Luke. You know how I can't block it forever. I can't control it. Ben's been blocking you and the vision still got through. I hope you'll understand why I have to leave. General Hux… Deathhunter is his, and Ben says it'll stay a plan, nothing more, but if my intuition is right… He told me there was an unsuccessful coup. Hux will learn from his mistakes and try again. If he's successful, he'll make sure the Resistance is eliminated. Painfully so. Even if he's not successful, he's the biggest threat. Get out of Cofek-Ta. Be safe. Make it so the vision you shared with your son will never come true. I don't know where I'm headed, but further from you keeps you safest... I've already let him see too much.
"Tell Rose I'll miss my sister, and Finn I'll miss my first friend. Tell Poe I understand. Tell them… all of you, I'm sorry. May the Force be with you."
Rey fades away. There are several moments of quiet, all of the listeners trying to wrap their heads around everything she just revealed.
"Holy shit," Poe whispers. "He knows… and she-"
"Their bond is already a thousand times stronger than ours," Leia says, almost to herself. "I can't imagine how she's been able to stand it all. Two consciousnesses, constantly merging together and separating... And for you, Rose, to be able to see him? You said they were hugging..."
"She's in love with Kylo Ren," Rose says mechanically.
No one responds. Rey never said the words out loud, but… Finn's hands clench, clearly fighting the urge to lash out. Poe looks crushed, completely and utterly decimated. They know the truth.
Leia is pensive.
"BB-8, erase that holo. No trace is to be left behind. No one can know of her relationship with him... All hope would be lost. Now, more than ever, we need high morale. You all are sworn to secrecy, and speaking of this with anyone outside this room is treason."
"We've gotta find her," Poe rushes out. "He's obviously tainted her mind. He-"
"No."
All eyes go to Finn.
"I let her go. I spoke with her. Even in that holo, she's still Rey. No one's made her do anything. She's at war with herself, but like it or not, it's her choice. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do."
"No! He's been in my head before, just like he's in hers! There's no way that sick fuck actually cares about her, no matter how she thinks she feels!"
"Poe-" Leia starts, but she's interrupted.
"I've fought him before, Poe." Finn says heatedly. "He could've killed me. I lived with him, on the same dreadnaught. I heard the rumors about his missions, and I knew more than enough of them were true and I needed to stay away, whenever possible. You think I like that she's flying off to him?"
"I don't know! You're saying she's still herself, but the Rey I know-"
"Gentlemen, please."
They both go quiet immediately.
"He's your son, right?" Rose asks softly.
Leia doesn't answer.
"Rey thinks there's still good in him," Rose continues. "I think we should give her the chance she's asking for."
"She said she doesn't know where she's going," Poe says defensively.
"She's going to him. Maybe not immediately, but she will."
"She's officially on a high-risk mission," Leia decides. "We'll announce that as the reason for her disappearance to the others, and then we're initiating evacuation measures. You're all dismissed."
Finn and Rose move to leave. Poe stays behind, waiting to speak until the door slides shut.
"I'm sorry for speaking out of turn. Calling him names doesn't make anything better."
Leia looks to her desk, organizing her papers.
"You have every right to hate the man, Poe. What he did to you was inexcusable. Even if he is my son."
Poe looks to the ground before leaving the room.
Leia pauses as the door slides shut. She waits, then sinks to her chair and slowly puts her head in her hands.
Snoke got to Luke.
Did Ben ever have a chance? Could she have done anything different?
She misses Han so much.
Sudden tears crest over and she's weeping for her son, for Rey, for the decisions she's made that have left her all alone.
*
Space is more infinite than Rey ever knew.
Her x-wing feels cramped. She's surrounded by black. Stars of amazing sizes and colors dot her surroundings, and Rey is fighting back panic. She chooses to not think about how easy it would be for an asteroid to strike her, how there are only several centimeters of plasma-steel separating her from an icy, depressurized death, how big the nearest planets are compared to her tiny existence as she slowly passes. She's exhilarated and frightened in waves, astounded by the fearful beauty she's being encompassed by.
She hasn't yet reached out to Ben. Kylo. Fuck, what is she supposed to call him now? She has no coordinates directing her and she drifts, not confident in how much fuel her fighter has to spare. She makes minor adjustments when necessary, but otherwise, she floats.
What the fuck has she gotten herself into?
She rushed straight from his vision to running away, no time to consider any other options. Now she knows she could have gone to Leia directly, or she could have talked with Finn longer, or allowed Connix to take her prisoner, or she could have waited for Poe and Rose to wake up-
But she couldn't actually do any of those things. They weren't options at the time. Now, she has nothing but time to think through her plans and regret the choices she made.
That vision.
The smell of burning death fills her once more. No wonder Ben didn't want to show her... She wishes she'd never seen it. It wasn't real, she knows this, but seeing Poe and Finn on the ground, seeing Rose sliced through and left for dead, makes her gag. The whole Resistance, faces she knew, people rescued off Crait… they were all brutally dehumanized on a battlefield. Kylo Ren, killing her friends as he held her in his arms… she's so confused. How does she get past seeing him like that? And Leia, her General, the only mother figure she's ever known, killed like an insect, eliminated and… She knows he hid her own death. She felt the surge of misery pouring into her head, knew what was coming for her next. Leia saw all this, experienced it like it was real, without the arms of another protecting her. She lived it. She died in it.
Relief. Rey focuses on his relief at her safety, how the rest of the memory ran, leading Ben back to her. His lonely quarters, black on black on black, being illuminated by the lightning striking the mountains behind her.
He hasn't felt rain or smelled the wet earth beneath him in years. She never experienced rain on Jakku, but after being surrounded by it, she doesn't know how she could go years without it. The urge to take him to a forest planet overtakes her, for the sole purpose of standing in the rain with him.
She's brought back to her reality, where she needs to decide if she's going to accept him, or if she's going to run away from him. Where could she go? How long could she keep the bond closed this time?
Does she want to run away?
No. If she's honest with herself, she doesn't. She doesn't really regret her choices, either.
She wants to feel the electricity of his touch, the flow of their bond as they share the same physical space. She wants to understand him, his past, his wants for the future. She wants him, Kylo and Ben together. But she's done this before- she's gone to him, exposed herself through her trust in him, nearly died because he wanted power so badly. How is this different? What does he want from her? She won't aid him in destroying the Resistance. She can't be a soldier in his army, killing innocents in the name of control. Her Light is too strong. It may mirror his Dark, but she can't fully reflect it.
Is she going to him only so she can try and save him again? Ben is an idea, Kylo is a threat, but where is the line between them that makes the man?
She feels him. The buzzing, a brush of his force signature.
You aren't hiding your thoughts very well, he sends, sadness permeating every word.
"I'm … I'm thinking," she says out loud.
As I just acknowledged. You're reconsidering.
"You know I'm not. I want to make sure I'm doing this for the right reasons."
It seems like you're convincing yourself.
"No. I… it's just so much."
I know.
And he does. She knows he senses everything in her heart, even the things she can't name. He understands her hesitation.
It still pains him. She feels the hurt through the bond, but she also feels it in her own body.
"I don't know what we're doing."
We'll figure this out.
"You know I still don't support the First Order, right? I'm not switching sides. I'm not choosing to rule the galaxy with you."
Then what are you doing?
"I don't know!" she says, getting heated. "This is insane! Absolutely mental! I could have explained, I-
How would you explain this, Rey? How do you explain the link you have to the Supreme Leader WITHOUT becoming a weapon? His anger is building, throbbing in the back of her head. How?
"I could have tried!"
HOW?
"I DON'T KNOW!"
Then go back! Leave! See how they treat you, how they disregard your wants in favor of what the fucking Resistance needs! See how quickly they make you plan my execution!
The wind is knocked out of her at his words.
"Ben, I couldn't-
Yes, you could! Don't give me that bullshit you tell yourself. You COULD.
"Give me the coordinates. I'm not having this fight with you in my head."
I'm not so sure I want to meet you anymore!
"Give me the coordinates!"
Flashes of yellow sand, mud huts plastered with straw, two suns in the sky.
She sets her coordinates for Tatooine, and jumps into lightspeed.
A/N Short chapter today, but more coming soon!!