Chapter 14
My demons
BPOV
I finally got to my appointment with Jasper; I was making myself more nervous as it got closer to my appointment.
I started to doubt myself whether or not I should have asked Edward to come with me, but I feel that if I don't do this, I won't be able to continue with this relationship.
Before I left the house, I called Jasper, and he said is that it was fully up to me if I wanted him there; he was not required to be with me. So, I talked with Edward.
"Love, if you really do not want me to go in with you, I can wait in the waiting room for you. Jasper told me that you need to do this in your own time. You may not be ready not because you think I'm going to leave you."
"I am ready for you to hear about everything that happened to me. I need you to know everything so maybe you can understand me better, along with hearing about all my demons. I also wanted to tell you how much I love you and that I hope you understand everything that has happened to me. I also hope that it doesn't scare you away."
When we got there, Jasper greeted us,
"Hey Edward, hey Bella, are you ready for today? Remember, darlin', that we can stop whenever you're ready to. Remember, that there will be no judging in my office and do know that no wonder what you say, Edwards still loves you. Edward, I think it would be best if you stayed silent and let Bella talk, unless she asks you or has a panic attack and needs you. Okay, brother?"
I sat there looking at my Master; I loved him so much. I don't know if I can live without him. I need him.
"Master, I have a question for you, if I may ask it. Will you leave me if it is too much to handle?"
He turned on the couch that we were sitting on, dropped to his knees and turned to me, looking into eyes.
"My love, you could never tell me anything that would be so bad that I would leave you, angel. I love you, sweetheart. I will be here through this with you, I promise."
Master took me into his arms and gave me a chaste kiss; it was quick and short, but I knew it was full of love.
"Well here it goes; it all started when I was about 15, I think. All of the other girls at school were talking about how sweet their boyfriends were and how loving. I realized that I wanted loving, but I also wanted to be controlled. I never cried when Charlie or Renee spanked me. In fact, as gross as it may sound, I purposely got into trouble so I could get spanked. After one very hard spanking that Renee gave me for staying out to long with my friend, Jake, I actually went to the bathroom and took a nice hot bath and got myself off with the shower head. Do you all think I am sick yet?"
"No, darlin', you were just a very confused girl, that's all."
"Well, after that, I went online and started looking up what I was interested in, and came across BDSM. I began researching and watching videos; I even ordered some and had them mailed to a P.O. Box I had gotten for myself. I also had started writing my fantasies and my feelings in a journal. I think that was my biggest mistake… I need to take a break for a second, please. I have to use the restroom. Master, is that ok?"
"Yes, my love, you don't need to ask for that, ok sweetheart?"
I got up and wondered to the bathroom just off of Jasper's office. It was very large one, and even had a sitting chair in it. I really didn't need to go; I just needed to get my feelings under control. I was starting to breathe heavily. I knew that if I didn't calm down, I was going to have another panic attack. I did not want to have that happen; I wanted to get through all of this today. I need to heal and let everything go so I can move on with my life with Master.
I heard Master and Jasper talk while I was in there,
"Jasper, while she's in there, do you think she's doing alright? I know it's going to get worse when she gets back out here."
"Ed, she is going to cry; we have to expect that, at least."
After I had been in there for about 15 minutes, trying to calm myself down, I decided I better head back. I took a deep breath, opened door, went to my spot on the couch, and sat down.
"After I got my videos, I watched them every night on my laptop with my ear buds in. I masturbated a lot; I found that pinching my nipples really seemed to help get me off faster, so ordered some clamps. Those were amazing, I could use those and then fuck my pussy with the vibrator I bought; I also had bought a small anal plug. I wanted to try that as well. It all felt so good and so very right, I knew that this was the life I wanted to live; I wanted to be a sex slave."
I stopped and looked up at my Master. He did not look disgusted with me at all. Instead, he looked rather turned on. I dropped my head and looked up at him from under my lashes and smiled a very small shy smile at him. He winked at me. I hope he is ready for this part; I really hope he don't hate me!
"I looked up lots of things online about clubs and auctions. I found Aro's ad; however, I did not know it was his yet. I came home from school and went to my bedroom; I wanted to look at a new toy I had bought. So I pulled out my box from the back of my closet and it looked like someone had messed with it. I was so scared; I thought Renee or Charlie had found it. But, they never said anything, so I thought I was freaking out over nothing."
My voice seemed to get quieter and I started to shake a bit. Master put his hand on my knee and squeezed it, asking if I was still ok to go on. I nodded my head slightly and continued on.
"It was the week of the Prom and Jacob had asked me to go. I said yes because he was my best friend and I loved him like a brother. I went out and bought a short blue formal dress that had a corset top, and hit me mid-thigh. I thought I looked very hot. When he pulled up to pick me up that night, he looked at me and had the biggest smile on his face. Then, he made this howling noise and told me I looked good enough to eat tonight. I really didn't think anything about it; he was my friend, after all."
I started crying and Master asked if he could hold me for a second, so, I crawled over and sat in his lap while he hugged me and kissed the top of my head, telling me how proud he was of me.
At that point, I seemed to have broken down and started shaking and crying because, when I looked up again, the sun was down and we were at home sitting in the big overstuffed rocking chair in front of the fireplace. I must have blacked out.
"My love, are you ok? We brought you home. I was scared for you. Jasper is here; he and Alice will be staying the weekend here so we can this all out, ok, sweetheart?"
I looked up, with my puffy eyes, nodded my head yes to him, took a deep breath, and snuggled back down into his chest.