CHAPTER 14: THE HURT GETS WORSE, THE HEART GETS HARDER

When Snape woke up the next morning, he found lying next to Morgana's sleeping form unbearable. Her fingers were loosely tangled in his, her hair a dark halo around her head. He slipped out of the bed silently and moved into the sitting room, where the house-elves had already rekindled the fire and brought up tea.

He poured himself a cup and drank it black, staring at the fire, deep in thought. There was no way to get around the terrible situation that faced them. Morgana had already gone too far the first time around to be able to change her loyalties without arousing suspicion, and it was clearer than crystal that her father wanted her dead. It would be impossible for her to slip out of the country without giving Severus up as the traitor he was, and he knew Morgana would never betray him like that.

Why did this have to happen? he asked himself, furrowing his brow. Why were the ones he loved always the ones that were a danger to be around?

Something seemed to click in Snape's mind; his head snapped up and a look of realization – and hope – washed over his face. He placed the teacup back on the coffee table and threw his robes back on, not even bothering to button his frock coat. His black cloak billowed out from behind him as he rushed through the doorway and into the hallway, up several flights of stairs to the headmaster's office.

"Severus! This is an unexpected visit," Dumbledore exclaimed. It was amazing to see the old man already awake and at work at his desk, signing papers and reading over letters from the school governors. Snape was positive he saw a piece of parchment with the Malfoy seal on it, and could only imagine what kind of complaints his dear friend Lucius had sent in this time. "Is something the matter?" he asked as he gestured towards one of the chairs.

The younger man shook his head and took a seat, leaning his elbows on his knees. "No, headmaster, I have a question to ask you," he said quietly, as if the walls were listening. "You…you explained to me some years ago the……the magic that saved Potter the……that night." He lowered his eyes to the floor in a vain attempt to avoid eye contact with the old man.

Snape waited patiently for an answer, but all he heard was a troubled sigh and the familiar rustle of layers of robes moving about as Dumbledore came around and placed a wrinkled hand on Snape's shoulder. He quickly stood and escaped the headmaster's attempt to sooth him, moving to watch the sun rise from the dew-streaked window. Dumbledore came and stood beside him, looking at Severus with fatherly affection over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. Defeated, he turned and faced him, a look of desperation in his eyes.

"Severus," Dumbledore said in a quiet voice, "Lily was only able to protect Harry through the sacrifice of her own life. Your love, however strong, will not be enough by itself; you would need to sacrifice yourself for Morgana. And as much as I imagine you would like me to let that happen, I cannot allow it." He raised his hand as Snape began to protest, and continued, "You are too great an asset to our cause to be allowed to cast your life aside. As much as you feel this would be the right thing to do, it would take years for the Order to find a new spy and find a way to place him high in Voldemort's favor. No, no, Severus, I will not allow it."

At this, Snape wrenched himself away from the headmaster and shouted, "What right is it of yours to govern what I do with my life?"

"Severus! You will not do this, and that is an order!"

"I'm tired of taking orders from you, Albus!" The door slammed as Snape ran out of the office and down the stone staircases to the chill and blissful quiet of his dungeon office, doubling the wards on the door as he leaned against it and sunk to the floor, shaking. He ran a hand through his stringy black hair and sighed, staring at a speck on the ceiling that probably wasn't even there. A hand slipped into the pocked of his robes, and he pulled out his wand, staring at it, as if he were trying to see through the dark fir wood to the dragon heartstring laid inside the core. He swished it about angrily and watched as a jet of red sparks erupted out of the tip and a large spiderweb crack appeared in the wall above one of his bookshelves.

In all honesty, what Dumbledore had said made the most sense. The Order would be at a total loss if it weren't for Severus and his willingness to spy on the Dark Lord for them; giving himself up was a reckless idea. But it wasn't fair! Everything in his life had been gloomy and laced with hatred. Now that he had found a candle in the otherwise pitch black of his life, he was being forced to extinguish it.

"Severus?"

He looked out from between his fingers to see her kneeling in front of him in a black dressing gown, her hair tousled as if she had just woken up to find the space in bed beside her unoccupied. Her pale skin was glowing in the darkness of the dungeons, and he reached out a hand to stroke her cheek.

"I don't want to kill you," he whispered.

She smiled, although it was clear she was holding back tears. "And I don't want to die. But if there is one thing in this war that everyone is going to have to learn at some point or another is that death is an imminent part of it." Her voice echoed off the high stone ceilings. "Someone has to die in order for the rest to appreciate and value life that much more."

Severus looked longingly at her, his onyx eyes glassed over with unshed tears. "But that someone doesn't have to be you."

Morgana nodded her head sadly and said, "Yes, yes it does. The Dark Lord has singled me out as his next victim, and I have to accept that as my fate. I will not put the Order in jeopardy."

"You sound like Albus," Snape sneered, arching an eyebrow. "Did he send you down here to convince me to kill you?"

"No, Severus! I came down here to tell you that I've thought about it, and I know it's hard, and I know it's painful, but you have to do it," she said calmly, taking his hands in hers. "Some of us have to sacrifice in order for the rest to continue the fight. You have to be willing to make that sacrifice."

He stared at her, searching for some fault in her conviction to give up her life that easily, but he found none. She stared right back at him, her piercing amber eyes trying to give him the clarity to see what he did not want to see: that she was willing to give herself up to save him. Her long arms wrapped around his torso and embraced him, and they sat on the floor together in silence for a few moments, realizing that this was the last time they would be together.

She drew her head away from his shoulder and nodded ever so slightly, and they knew then that it was time to go.