When Garrus, Kaidan, Vega, and Jack walked through the door, Shepard had a hard time discerning if they were more exhausted or annoyed. They had all been up at the Citadel Tower for hours, and Shepard had found waiting for a verdict to be immensely frustrating. This was the first time she felt herself really and truly regretting stepping down from command of the Normandy.
The children were already asleep in their room, and Garrus immediately went to check on them. Kaidan walked over to where Liara was seated, working with a datapad on the couch beside the piano, and brooded silently. It was Vega and Jack that attempted to fill Shepard in.
"The Council does not believe at this time that enough evidence exists to launch a public investigation into the Alliance's Indigo Project, but they will be conducting an internal investigation of the events at the Academy," Vega said, mocking their poised tone but looking ready to punch something.
"Garrus was overruled?" Shepard said, shocked.
"Three to one," Jack spat out. "Assholes. And here you thought the Council had changed."
Shepard had thought the Council a far different body than the one that constantly denied the existence of the Reapers six years ago. Garrus had even said so. Hell, Garrus was a part of the Council now. But this was just blind and stupid. They had intelligence from an anonymous but vetted source, in addition to the word of two psychic field operatives. How could they ignore what happened at Grissom Academy? Someone had clearly gone after the Indigo kids there. The Council could not try to pin things on Binary Helix, not this time.
"At least everyone made it out of there okay," Vega said, walking over to the refrigerator.
"Have you heard about the students that were wounded?" Liara asked.
"They're fine," Jack said, looking thoroughly relieved at that news. "One of them – Maureen, good kid – she lost a lot of blood. They have her over at Huerta Memorial. In fact–"
"Go," Shepard said. "We'll fill you in on our next move when you get back."
Jack gave a grateful wave and headed back out the front door, just as Vega asked, "So, what is our next move, Lola?"
"We need to focus on keeping those kids safe," Kaidan offered. "C-Sec's on it, but I want us to put some patrols of our own guys, too. At least while we're in dry dock."
"Dry dock?" Shepard asked, crossing her arms. "I thought you said my ship was barely scratched."
"Your ship, huh?" Kaidan said with a smile. "Yeah, well, I thought it was. They never hit us with anything too big, but it was enough to throw a few systems off balance, according to Joker."
"How is he?" Shepard asked.
Kaidan seemed to shut down at that, leaving Vega to offer, "He was not exactly happy with how the mission went down, Lola. But I was joking around with Kaya earlier, so I think things have calmed down on that front."
"It's not your fault, Kaidan," Shepard said, sitting down on the other couch. "You were pressed for time. I would have made the exact same call."
"I shouldn't have let us get separated, L2. That one's on me."
Vega brought a round of beers into the living room, and even Liara accepted. Garrus re-entered through the kitchen, a drink already in hand.
"From what I've heard, you guys handled yourselves well," Shepard said. "I mean it. You got Agent Malik off Omega without incident, and there were no casualties at Grissom. In fact, if you hadn't decided to split up the squad, there probably wouldn't have been any support at the Academy at all. It was the right call. A lucky call, actually."
"Yeah, well I still want to know how the hell they intercepted a communication from the Normandy," Kaidan said. "That shouldn't be possible, Shepard."
"Agreed," Garrus said. "In fact, that was one of the most damning pieces against the Alliance. This has to be someone on the inside. The fact that the other councilors refused to even listen–"
"Means they haven't changed," Shepard said sadly. "No offense, dear."
"Keep working on them, Garrus," Liara said, looking up briefly from her datapad. "And I'm going to keep trying to find more information. Our anonymous source as gone dark, but I think I'm getting closer to tracking him down. I'm just sorry I didn't see what was coming at the Academy–"
"Not your fault," Kaidan said tersely. When Shepard shot him a look, he reluctantly explained. "That was one of Joker's many problems with the mission. But, he's wrong. This had nothing to do with you, Liara. There was no way we could have seen this coming. Nobody thought they would be brazen enough to attack the Academy. The place is a damn fortress."
"Exactly what I was thinking," Shepard said. "We're dealing with an enemy that's either a lot better connected or a lot more desperate than we were hoping. This could get out of hand fast. I think it's time I start calling in some of the old crew."
After Shepard and Garrus had made some calls, Shepard ordered Kaidan to make sure Kaya, Malik, and Van Dyne had proper protection. Well, she had technically suggested Kaidan set up a protection detail. But, in all honesty, Shepard was still effectively Kaidan's CO. Malik and Van Dyne were to stay on the ship while, at Shepard's request, Kaya was to stay with Shepard and Garrus. Both groups would always have a contingent of at least four marines nearby.
As soon as Kaya walked in the door, Shepard could feel the annoyance radiating off her. Didn't need to be psychic for that one. She was being babysat, and Kaya knew it. Of course, while Kaya initially assumed this was an extra precaution for her safety, Shepard had other motives. As the team settled in to discuss tactics and possibilities, Shepard started walking over to the study.
"We need to have a talk."
Kaya apparently heard Shepard's thought from the couch, because she turned to look apprehensively at her old captain. Whatever she saw in Shepard's eyes must have convinced her that argument was futile, because she stood up slowly, squeezed Joker on the shoulder, and followed Shepard into the study.
"You are not about to yell at me for what happened at the Academy," Kaya said as soon as they were out of earshot. "You would have done the same damn thing, and you know it."
"You're right, I would have," Shepard replied. "And, from a military perspective, I'm very impressed with you, Kaya. You showed incredible biotic abilities and a selflessness that, quite frankly, I did not know you possessed. It's what's happening between you and Joker that worries me."
Kaya seemed somewhat mollified by this as she walked behind the bar and poured them both some ice brandy.
"What exactly is bothering you, Commander?"
"Your anger at him is completely misplaced. Given your history, he has every right to worry about you making a suicidal decision. And don't tell me that you believed you were making it off that station alive. I just hope you had a contingency plan to make sure you weren't taken alive."
"Kaidan didn't tell you?" Kaya asked. She looked down at her glass and took a long draft. She seemed to consider taking another before continuing, "When he found me, Shepard, I was holding a grenade. I had taken the pin out. There was no way I was letting those bastards take me in, experiment on me, and use me for whatever fucked up purposes they have in mind."
Shepard nodded solemnly, taking her own glass. Again, she found herself surprised by Kaya's level head. "Well, that's what I would have done. But, the fact remains, Joker's really shaken over this. I can see it. And, as you'll remember us discussing, I am very protective of my pilot, Kaya."
"So, you still want us to break up?" Kaya asked matter-of-factly. Shepard did always appreciate how to-the-point the young telepath could be. "Because I've thought about what you've said. About me being a selfish, immature, childish bitch. And you're right. I can be all of those things. But it's not who I am. I won't let it be.
"I came out of cryo more broken than I ever wanted to admit. And while everyone thought I was helping Jeff get over EDI, he was helping me get over the fact that I had lost literally everyone in my life. My mother, Cain, the few friends that I had. They were all dead, either of old age or murdered or when the Reapers invaded. He helped me get through that. And if you really think that I'm hurting him, then I'm willing to back off. I'll get off the Normandy. Frankly, the fact that I wasn't willing to consider that before kind of scares me."
Shepard leaned back, surprised at this turn in the conversation. She indeed had been about to tell Kaya to break it off, that her presence was severely inhibiting Joker's ability to do his job as well as his emotional health. Shepard had been in her shoes before. Joker had blamed himself completely for her death after the destruction of the SR-1, and she had used his guilt, keeping him close as one of the few constants in her life while they hunted down the Collectors.
Shepard had been about to tell Kaya that she would not allow Joker to be used the same way again. She owed him that much. Now she found herself wondering if the girl in front of her had really changed and matured, or if she was just manipulating Shepard.
"I'm not," Kaya said. "I know I'm prone to doing that. I get it. I get that you feel protective toward me but don't completely trust me. After Palaven, you became way more objective. And I need that. But, I'm telling you – you and Kaidan, you guys have really helped me get over my severe emotional baggage. I wish I had people like you around when I was growing up. I'd be a hell of a lot less of a headcase."
Shepard studied Kaya carefully before saying, "Don't make me regret this, Kaya. If you hurt him – really hurt him – you'll have Commander Shepard to answer to."
"I know. And there will be a long line of people behind you to kick my ass," Kaya said. "But that's not why I'm trying so hard not to. The choice I made at the Academy, I made it without thinking about him. I was thinking about those kids, and I don't regret that. But, I sure as hell was thinking of him when I was alone in that hall, my barrier getting blasted to shit. I was thinking about how much it would destroy him if I died. I was wondering if that cost was worth it."
"Would it have been?"
Kaya drained her glass and began to pour another, "I haven't come up with an answer to that question yet, Commander. I'm not sure I want to."
She was running through the forest on Mindoir, her legs like lead. No matter how hard she pushed, the world moved by like molasses. Trapping her, suffocating her. Shadows of the people whose blood was on her hands hung around the corners of her vision. Voices called out, and the little boy ran ahead.
She caught up to him, only to find them standing on the Citadel. They were in that cursed room again, where she could see the battle for Earth – no, for the galaxy – outside the windows. Every second she deliberated, how many ships went down? Was her crew still out there? How much time did they have?
She had a choice. An impossible choice. There was no right answer, there couldn't be. But she looked outside and was so filled with rage. She had come here to destroy them. There was no other option. Not really. No matter what the cost.
Hadn't she made these decisions before? Ten billion over here, to save twenty billion over there? The alpha relay. Virmire. Zorya with Zaeed. Balak. The gamble on Rannoch.
Rannoch. After everything she had done trying to help the Geth, to make up for what happened to Aratoht. Could she really throw that away now?
And EDI. Joker would never forgive her. She would never be able to look him in the face again.
But the stench of corpses – impeccably piled, lining the path to the beam and the halls of the Citadel – would not leave her nostrils. And she had her choice, born of hatred and fury and blood.
Shepard bolted upright in bed, waking Garrus beside her. She took a rattling breath, trying to push the images from her mind. It had been weeks since she had thought back to that awful day on the Citadel. But even as the nightmares became less frequent, they never seemed to abate. Shepard suspected they never would. Worse still, she suspected she did not want them to.