Chapter 14

There are few things in life that are worse for a child then having to stand by and watch as a parent deteriorates and when that damage is self inflicted or worse yet the child feels it is their fault that makes the pain all the more acute. Sadly Kate Beckett was watching this happen to her father Jim Beckett for the second time in his life and what made it even worse was that she thought he had conquered this demon years ago but as she entered the hospital room where her father had been placed she saw that his darkest days had returned and her worst fears had been confirmed.

Jim Beckett was seated in a hospital bed with a saline solution iv attached to his right arm. His eyes were red and puffy as well as squinting and being unfocused, it was plain to see that he was having trouble seeing anything clearly. His hair was messy and his clothes were rumpled and then there was the smell. Even from across the room Kate could smell the odor of beer and cheap liquor and it churned her stomach and made her want to hold her breath until she left the room, how come she was able to deal with the stench of dead bodies but not with the smell of alcohol coming off of her father? The answer was of course that this was more personal, the smell brought her all the way back to the worst days right after her mother died when she would have to pick up her father from one bar or police precinct or other because he had drunk himself to sleep. Those dark days when all she wanted was someone to lean on but instead she had to learn how to be strong for the only person she had to help her. Those were the days when she learned to shut herself down and to keep her pain from everyone including herself. It was a weakness she could not afford and she had never looked back from that choice, after all if she had not made that choice she would have just broken down and there would have been no one to help her father. Letting your feelings out got yourself and others hurt, so she didn't do it and yet in the past few weeks she had forgotten this lesson, was that a mistake? At times she was happier then she had been since her mother had died but she had to admit her feelings had caused her to make mistakes that hurt others. As her mind was brought back to the years when she made the choice to put up and hide behind her wall and she was reminded of why she had put it up she had to wonder if she needed to get back behind it in order to survive this ordeal. After all if she hadn't have gotten emotional her father would not be here right now, she was a professional detective she should know better then to think any good could come from letting people in or letting her emotions control her actions, it was time to put things right and stop making the same mistakes over again. Helping her father had to be the most important thing in her life right now and to do that right she needed to shut off her emotions. So that is what she did, Kate took a deep breath and then shoved her emotions down to the pit of her stomach and let her face go completely stoic. She could do this.

"Katie you are alright?" Jim asked as Kate entered the room, closing the door behind her. Thankfully Jim Beckett had never been a mean drunk, just a very sad one looking to escape his pain who would some times get out of control and do things like remove his pants because he wanted to sleep at the bar. His biggest problem was that once he got one drink into himself he never wanted to stop drinking. Jim's voice had an out of tune almost sing song quality to it that it only took on when he was under the influence of alcohol and his face clearly showed that he was confused and having trouble focusing his eyes on his daughter no matter how much he may have wanted to focus on her, he was simply too drunk to see her clearly or focus on any one thing in the room.

"Mister Beckett I need you to sit back down in the bed so you don't rip your IV out." The Nurse said as she placed her hand on his chest and forced the older man back down into a sitting position.

"But you don't understand, my daughter is here and she isn't dead!" Jim protested trying to look at the nurse and failing.

"Okay, I understand and that is good news, but I still need you to sit down so you don't hurt yourself." The nurse said in a calm commanding tone.

"I don't care if I hurt myself, my daughter is over there!" Jim Beckett yelled out pointing with his left hand in a direction that was not even close to where his daughter was standing.

"Damn right you don't care about yourself!" Kate said angrily as she closed the distance between herself and her father and in that moment all her lofty ideals about keeping her emotions in check went out the window, hearing her father put into words what he had done caused all of her conflicting emotions to boil over and the force of what she said caused Jim to look at Kate and he seemed to be searching his addled brain for some kind of response but coming up short. Kate however was just aware and in control enough to know that she did not want to have this talk in front of a stranger so she turned her attention to the nurse for a moment. "Can you please give us a few minutes." She said to the young woman.

"I'm really not supposed to leave him alone." The nurse explained nervously. She clearly did not want to be a part of this scene any more then Kate wanted her to be there and she did not want to make the detective mad but she did have a job to do and she didn't want to get in trouble for leaving her post.

"You two should go home and get some sleep. I promise I'll still be here when you come back." Jim interrupted as he motioned for both the woman to leave.

"Is that the same type of promise that you made when you said you would never touch alcohol again?!" Kate blurted out before she could stop herself, half angry and half hurt.

"I didn't get that drunk. I just needed a few drinks because you are going to join your mother soon." Jim said defensively and then he looked away and started to break down into quiet tears.

"Please just give us a few minutes, I promise I will not let him hurt himself. I have been dealing with him like this since I was younger than you." Kate said forcefully as she fixed the nurse with the same glare that she used to stare down armed killers.

"Okay but I will be right outside the door." The nurse said a moment later and then she got up and left the room closing the door behind her.

Kate then turned her attention to her father who was still crying into his pillow. She was sure if she just left him there he would cry himself to sleep but she knew better then to let him do that because he needed to be kept in a sitting position and on a more personal note she was far too upset to wait to say what she had to say. "Why can't you ever be this sorry before you get drunk?!" She grumbled at her father as she took a seat beside him on the bed so she could keep him from getting up.

"I needed a drink, You are going to die just like your mom." Jim whined without looking at Kate.

"I am not going to die. I promise you." Kate said forcefully and she tried to make her father look at her but he shook his head out of her hand and dropped it back onto the pillow.

"Yes you are. You think you can't be hurt but you are going to keep going at this and they will take you from me just like your mother. I can't lose you Katie." Jim's voice trailed off and became quiet on the last part as if it was something he was not supposed to admit out loud.

"So you decided to chase me off by drinking again so if I do live you will still lose me?!" Kate let out a frustrated huff.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. See my friends and brace for the pain." Jim said with a shrug.

"Those people are not your friends, your friends are the people who don't want you to die!" Kate shot back loud enough that her father finally looked at her.

"What is the point, I'll just live long enough to see you die?" Jim asked and tears began pouring out of his eyes. "I'm sorry I talked to the writer, but you will not listen to me and now he can't stop you so I have to watch you die. It's too much."

Kate's heart broke for a second, she was still incredibly angry with her father but she was also angry with herself, she had reduced him to this. He couldn't lose anyone else in his life so he had started trying to numb the pain and he didn't care if it killed him because at least that meant he wouldn't be around to watch her die. She couldn't stand this if only she had listened sooner, Castle would not have gotten shot and her father would not have fallen back into the pit he had worked so hard to crawl out of. Still she could not let herself feel the guilt and she could not wallow in self pity, she had to pull him out of this and that meant she had to remain calm and in control so she summoned all of her inner strength and pushed her own feelings aside and looked her father in the eyes and spoke with a firm, calm, and commanding voice. "Listen to me, I need you to pay attention and hear this."

"What ever you say sweetie but just don't let that one woman hear you, she is mean." Jim whispered and it was clear to Kate that he was losing his focus so she would have to be quick.

"Listen to me. I am not going anywhere, I have dropped the case and you and I are going into protective custody with the FBI where we will both be safe because I can't lose you either so you need to stop drinking. Do you understand?" Kate asked patiently, the same way she would speak to a child knowing that in his current state her father would find all of this a little hard to follow, no doubt she would have to answer a lot of questions tomorrow when he woke up very confused in the safe house but she at least had to try and explain what was going on to him in the hope that he would stop trying to destroy himself. One thing was for sure the stay at the safe house was going to be long and hard.

"Oh that case you dropped, it's at my house." Jim replied trying to be as helpful as his current confused state of mind would allow him to be.

"Okay thank you." Kate said quickly and she was starting to lose patience. "But do you understand that I am no longer going after mom's killers and the FBI is going to keep us safe?"

"You are, that's wonderful!" Jim beamed up at his daughter and this time the full meaning of her words seemed to sink in. "We should celebrate with a drink." He said trying to get up out of the bed.

"No, we shouldn't. Remember how you can't lose me? Well I can't lose you, so no more drinking!" Kate said forcefully as she pushed Jim back down on the bed and now she was starting to lose her temper. "What you need to do is sit here and get sober for the trip. You need to decide which is more important to you, having me in your life or drinking."

"Okay" Jim said softly as he lay back in the bed and his eyes were starting to glaze over he then did something that took Kate by surprise, he made a sound with his mouth. "Ring Ring, ring ring." He imitated the sound of a phone ringing. This drew a puzzled look from Kate and she was just about to write it off as nothing when he spoke. "It's my fault you know." He said looking guilty for the first time in the conversation but he was now too tired to push himself up.

"What is?" Kate asked. "Getting drunk, I know that.

"No not that." Jim said waving her off. "Well yes that is my fault too but your mother being murdered. Ring ring, ring ring." He made the sound of the phone again at the end.

"How is that your fault, you had nothing to do with it. You can't blame yourself." Kate said looking down at her father but he turned his head away in shame.

"Ring ring, ring ring. I didn't put the pieces together until last year when you told me it wasn't gang related but I could have saved her but I stopped her from going to the police. I said it was nothing." Jim said softly and then he started to cry again.

"What do you mean by that?" Kate asked putting a hand on her father's shoulder but her question went unanswered because her father had drifted off to sleep and she knew when he was drunk like this nothing could wake him up.

What could that have meant, she hoped it was just drunk talk but what if it wasn't what if it was true? What if he could have saved her mother, would she ever be able to forgive him, more importantly would he ever be able to forgive himself. She had thought the only reason he started drinking again was that she was in danger so now that she no longer was chasing her mother's killers getting him sober would be easier then last time but if there was more to it then it could be a lot harder then then she had at first thought. No, it couldn't mean anything. She told herself. It was just drunk talk after all these people were powerful and the police had helped cover up the murder so there was nothing her father could have done. It was just confused drunk talk, right?

This was all too much for Kate and she had to get out of the room, she took a few moments to collect herself and then got up and stepped out of the room as she left the nurse walked back in. Beckett leaned against the wall and put her right hand over her eyes, she was reaching her breaking point. As strange as the thoughts sounded in her own head at that moment she was looking forward to getting to the safe house. She hated the idea of hiding but once she was at the safe house she would have some quiet time to herself to sort through everything that had happened to her lately and how she felt about it. What she needed most at that moment was some sleep and time to think and once she got to the safe house she would have it. Right now that thought was the most appealing idea in the whole world to her. The chance to stretch out on a nice soft bed and sleep without worrying about anything, what could be better?

Beckett was just finishing these thoughts when she heard someone walk up to her, one thing was for sure she was not going to get any sleep before she got to the safe house. In her head she let out as sigh as she opened her eyes to see who it was who seemed to need to talk to her. It was Will Sorrenson and what she saw on his face made her mad, it was a look of pity. The last thing Kate Beckett needed at that precise moment was pity from an ex boyfriend she had broken up with for good reasons.

"How is he and how are you?" Will asked carefully.

"He is fine and I am fine. He is just drunk, I have handled this before, a lot of times." Beckett answered tersely.

"Okay, that's good. Glad to hear it." Sorrenson answered carefully and it was clear from his expression and the way that he said it that he didn't believe her.

"It's true! Everything is fine. We can deal with this." Beckett insisted.

"I didn't say anything." Sorrenson said lifting up his hands in surrender, he knew better then to get on the wrong end of Beckett's wrath on a day like today.

"Was there anything else you wanted?" Beckett asked rather harshly.

"Yeah I just wanted to tell you that the agents came in from your father's place with your suitcase and some stuff we packed for him." He reported in a business like manner, he decided it was best not to comment on the problems he was sure Kate had, those were the writer's problems now and at that exact moment his thoughts were running along the lines of "and he can have them." His life was complicated enough at the moment.

"Good, anything else?" Beckett asked, she could sense that wasn't all he was there to say.

"Yes we are getting things set up to transport you all to the safe house. I am going to tell you what I told Mister Castle and his family. If there is anyone you need to talk to before you leave you should do it now because once we go you will have to hand over your cellphone. We know these people have agents in law enforcement so we can't take the chance of them tracking you via your cellphones. We will issue you new prepaid cellphones once we get to the safe house but you can not use them to contact anyone you know since it will put both you and them in danger." Sorrenson explained and he braced himself for Beckett's response. He knew she would not like this and he had already faced the wrath of an actress and a teenage girl who had been told they had to cut themselves off from everything they knew. Truth be told he considered himself lucky to be alive after that incident. To his surprise Kate's response was gentle and controlled as if she saw the logic of his argument and accepted it. Maybe she was just too drained emotionally to react any other way? He didn't know, all he did know that he was just happy not to have another fight on his hands.

"Okay, there is someone I would like to call." She replied.

"Alright, I'll just give you some privacy." Sorrenson said quietly and he turned and walked down the hall giving Beckett some space.

To tell the truth Beckett really didn't feel like talking to anyone at that moment, the last thing she wanted was to have yet another conversation but if she was going away for who knows how long there was one person she owed a call, she just hoped that she would not press her to talk about the day's events because she was sick of talking about them, she was sick of thinking about them, hell she was sick of living them! Still she owed Lanie a goodbye call at the very least, so with a sigh she pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and scrolled through the phone book until she found her friend's number and she pressed it.

"Well it's about time I heard from you!" A cheery yet annoyed voice answered a moment later.

"Hey Lanie, I am sorry I haven't called but things have been out of control." Beckett said in an apologetic tone and she meant it. Her only real friend deserved better then to be cut off and left to worry when things got tough. Lanie had been there for her in her darkest times and put up with her crying to her about her loneliness when now that Beckett looked back on the events if she were being honest she could see that the problem had largely been self inflicted. She should have said something when Agent Shaw made it clear how Castle felt but for some stupid reason she had held back and hurt herself and Josh not to mention Castle by doing it. Still the past couldn't be changed and she just had to push forward and try to be a good friend to Lanie from this point forward.

"What's wrong?" Lanie asked concerned.

"I don't really want to get into it right now." Beckett said with a sigh.

"Maybe I can help, come on it will help to get it all out there and besides haven't I been kept in the dark enough?" Lanie pressed.

Beckett could tell that her friend was sick and tired of having to guess about how she was doing and was getting more then a little fed up with how closed off she was. Did she owe it to her to open up? She guessed she did so with a sigh she went over the events of the past few days answering any questions Lanie had along the way, by the time she finished with the story of her father turning up drunk she was near to tears.

"Wow, I am so sorry." Was all Lanie said gently at first and then she added. "What does Writer Boy have to say about all this, I know he will be happy to help."

"He just says I need counseling, he thinks I am crazy or something." Beckett let out bitterly.

"Did he use those exact words?" Lanie asked sceptically, as if she was a mother trying to get the truth out of a naughty child.

"Well he didn't use those words exactly, but it's what he meant." Beckett replied defensively, now sounding like a naughty child trying to justify a lie or half truth they had just told.

"Really, tell me what he said exactly. Because I don't think that man would ever think you are crazy." Lanie demanded, still not convinced.

"Well he said he was getting some so maybe I should get some too." Beckett admitted at last.

"Don't you think he may have a point?" Lanie asked her friend pointedly.

"I don't know." Beckett said with a frustrated sigh and Lanie waited a moment for her to gather her thoughts. "Maybe but he was the one who was shot."

"Maybe but you were the one who had to watch him die. Girl I saw the breakdown you had. Talking to someone about it couldn't hurt." Lanie interrupted.

"It's not that simple." Beckett protested. "I have Alexis, Castle, and my Father counting on me, I can't afford to have a break down right now."

"And how much good do you think you are going to do them if you run yourself into the ground and let life destroy you?" Lanie pressed.

"So you think I should go in for counseling?" Beckett asked after giving it a moment's thought.

"I don't know." Lanie said a few moments latter with a sigh. "All I do know is that you had a ton of issues before this and having your father turn up drunk and having to watch the man you love die can't of helped. I am not there with you every second but Writer Boy is and I know he wants what is best for you so I think you should at least consider it."

"Yeah I guess, it just seems like one thing too many on my plate." Beckett conceded a moment later.

"Look do you want this relationship you have with Castle to work out or not?" Lanie asked forcefully.

"Of course I do, how can you ask me that?" Beckett demanded, shocked. Then she added. "He has been waiting three years, we love each other, and if I am being completely honest I think he may be the one." Beckett was shocked to hear herself admit this out loud for the first time. Maybe there was something to be said for calling your best friend when your emotions were raw, if nothing else it was forcing her to be honest with herself.

"If that is true then I think you should go in and at least try the counseling." Lanie said evenly.

"Why, do you think Castle will break up with me if I don't?" Beckett asked and there was a hint of panic in her voice.

"No, I don't think that at all!" Lanie injected quickly and then went on to explain calmly. "It's just that girl some times you can have more issues then a news stand and you tend not to let the people who love you in to help you and that can be hard for a man like Castle to sit back and watch."

"What do you mean a man like Castle?" Beckett asked puzzled.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you don't see it girl, it's the biggest reason you love him!" Lanie replied her tone full of disbelief. "If you just go by the papers he is a self centered playboy but we have both been around him long enough to know that is only the part he lets out when he is bored and wants to have some fun. The thing that he really lives for is to help the people in his life that he cares about. He is loaded but he doesn't seem to place much value on the money besides what he can do for the people he loves with it. He dropped one hundred grand just to get a lead on your mother's killer. The man really feels alive when he is helping people and if you want to know what I think, he sticks around the precinct as much to help people as to be around you."

Beckett smiled a bit at the memory and then asked. "Okay I get it he has to help people and you are right I love him for it, but what does that have to do with me and counseling?"

"You will not let him in to help you." Lanie explained forcefully. "So he just has to sit by and watch you in pain, how long do you think he is going to be able to handle that? If you will not let him help you have to at least let someone else help you or this relationship will fall apart."

Beckett thought about this for a moment and she couldn't refute any of her friend's logic and she did want things to work out and she didn't want to cause Castle any more pain, so maybe she could do it, for Castle. After all didn't she owe it to him to give them the best shot she could. "Okay, I'll do it." Beckett said quietly a moment latter.

"Well good for you, I really don't want to have to sit with you through another break up." Lanie replied.

This brought a sad smile to Beckett's lips and then her thoughts returned to the reason she had called in the first place. "Lanie there is something I have to tell you?" She said carefully. "You are not going to hear from me for a while but I will be okay so I need you not to worry."

"What's going on. Are you and Writer Boy eloping already?" Lanie teased.

"No nothing like that." Beckett explained. "The FBI is taking us into witness protection at some point today and until they think we will be safe we can't contact anyone from our lives. I'm sorry."

Lanie seemed to take a minute to process this before replying. "Well I will miss you and that is a fact." She said sadly and then added. "But really I think it is for the best. These people keep coming and I will feel a lot better knowing that you are not standing out there with a big bullseye on your back."

"Thanks, I will miss you too Lanie." Beckett said with a smile. "Can you do me a favor and explain everything to the boys and tell them I said bye?" Beckett asked her friend. "I am just feeling so drained and I am not up to explaining all this twice more."

"Sure, no problem." Lanie replied.

"Thanks and thanks for talking some sense into me." Beckett said and at that moment she felt truly lucky to have such a good friend.

"Anytime, what else am I here for." Lanie replied brightly and then added on a sadder note. "I will miss you and I look forward to seeing you when this whole thing is over."

"Me too Lanie, me Too. Goodbye." Kate said and a tear almost escaped her eye but she caught it, she would not cry over this. She would see Lanie again and hopefully very soon. She hung up the call and then took a moment to think.

Lanie was right she owed it to Castle to let him help her, sure he had his issues but so did she and she didn't like it when he shut her out so she could not shut him out. She saw now that since he had woken up they had been trying to act normal and avoiding all the things that had changed for fear of scaring the other person off but relationships that lasted were not build on hiding things from each other. Beckett wanted to help Castle not hurt him but she knew nothing would hurt him more then if she let this relationship go the way of all her others, so she would not let that happen. She still didn't like the idea of going in for counseling and she wasn't sure how much good it would do but if it would do any good and give Castle some much needed peace of mind she would give it a shot. She now had a plan of action. She didn't really want to talk to anyone else but she decided that she had to, right away her next stop would be making things right with Castle. They may have started out on the wrong footing but she would now be completely honest with him and put their relationship on a solid footing for the first time. They would make it, she would not let anything least of all her own pride and fears stand in the way.

Before she could put this plan into action she saw someone walking down the hall towards her. The person was Alexis Castle, and she was crying.

Well the holiday that I somehow forgot was coming through all my plans for this week to the wind. I hope this chapter was worth the wait.

As always you guys are the best and thanks for reading and reviewing.

Once more thank you Caskettfan5 for correcting my many mistakes in this chapter.