Ch. 14

I don't own Harry potter.

Animal I have become by three days grace (this song is way over played but idc I wanted to put it on here.)

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

I don't know why I even had to think about it. My answer was so obvious! No. to both of them, how could I have even needed to think abut it for a second? I'm not attracted to Sirius and it's so obvious I'm still terrified of Micha (even though I would never admit that out loud). This whole Remus thing must have been putting a cloud over me, making me confused and hurt but I'm done, I'm so done.

Step one to becoming done forever: say no to Micha, Which is probably the hardest step to do. I plan to send him a howler and burn the book but that's just a plan, all of that is easier said than accomplished.

I stand in front of the mirror and just look at myself. The purple hair, the wide blue eyes, Pale skin, I look exactly like I did when Micha controlled me. Does that mean he still controls me? No. I won't let him control me. He will not control me anymore. I have to release myself fro his control, and I know how to do that. I pick up my wand and close my eyes, tapping my wand on my head I say an incantation and when I open my eyes my hair is the color of snow. The exact color. White. Whiter than my skin. I nod determined to get out of his grasp. I already wrote the howler, it's just about sending it now. I head into the common room, it's empty. I have no idea where neither Sirius nor Remus are off to. I walk briskly to the owlrey, trying to keep hold of my courage the whole time. It's when I get to the top of the stone steps that lead into the owlery I slow to a stop. I stare at the owls, unseeing. I stay there for a while, frozen to the floor. I have to do this. I can't be scared. I take small, slow, even steps in the direction of the owls and pick one at random, a brown barn owl that belongs to the school. Shakily I let the bird take the letter in its beak and before I can stop it, it flies right out of the window. I take several deep breaths and just stand there for a while. I smile. I feel great, like the weight on my shoulders is lighter. I run out of the owlery and back to my dorm. Next is the book. It's silly how I thought I could burn it, how I thought I could be liberated from him, how I thought I could be strong. I hide the book at the bottom of my trunk and let a few tears slide down my cheeks. Ignoring the fact that he might still have control over me because I was to weak to burn the book, I set off to find Sirius.

I find him in his dorm room, tossing a quafel [ok I know that's spelled wrong but idk how to spell It.] in the air.

"X! Your hair!" he exclaims, when he sees me. The quaffel falls out of the air with a thud on the floor. I smile. The white was supposed to symbolize purity, but I'm not pure, not if I can't burn that book, but maybe even if I could burn that book I would never be pure, maybe I was just kidding myself.

"no." I say. "My answer is no." his face falls and he looks a lot like a kicked puppy and it kind of makes me want to give in, but I stay strong.

"You're not going to…"

"No I don't chose wither of you." he hides his hurt well, but I can see it still, in his cool blue eyes he is hurting.

"Good. That's all that matters." He says in his normal cool, but suave voice. I want to tell him I can still see that he is hurt but why? Why should I take that from him? If I can pretend Micha doesn't control me cant he pretend that I didn't hurt him?

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal

Remus was surprised when he saw my hair, but then he smiled and told me it looked like the snow. It made me feel like he understood what I was going for, that I wanted more than anything to be pure, to be pure because he deserved someone pure because he was pure but I'm not pure and who was I kidding? He is pure, like the purest thing capable of touching earth; snow. I'm the impurest substance on earth, we could never work, we would never fit, and it can never be. Anna, is she pure? Is that why he likes her? I'll have to pay closer attention to her when they all come back from break tomorrow.

I'm glad I figured out that Remus and I could never be. Maybe now it will stop hurting to see them together. If she is pure and he is definitely pure then they fit, then they will work and that is fine, but that makes me think, if I'm impure and Micha is definitely impure does that mean we fit? I don't want to thin about that.

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

Lily and rave and Xay all flip a shit about my hair. The question most asked; 'is this my natural hair color?' No my hair is a dull wheat color, like my fathers. I tell them all this minus the father part. Xay was lucky, he has mothers black hair. I would much rather have her hair (even if I do loathe her) then have his. Even Anna says it looks like snow, which leads me to the conclusion that she is pure and they do fit. I smiled at her and said thanks.

We all gather in the common room and they all talk about their breaks and lily and James become inseparable. Lily also says we'll have a practice tonight that she thinks we need to add a couple more songs to our performance for the end of the year dance to take up our slot. She has decided that since she is dating James that she doesn't want to play the whole night, we will play for about two and a half hours then we will have a CD player (one of those big huge boom box like ones) play for the other two and a half hours. She says she has CD's all planed out and set up and some one will just have to be up there and change them. As long as we get to play I could care less. I made the mistake of telling her this.

"Oh great X. you can be the one to change the CD's out!" she said, clapping her hands together with enjoyment. I glare that's just great.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

After three long hours of not playing and trying to think up some new song ideas, I'm the one put in charge of witting the songs, not that I mind, I like writing our songs, its just I would have liked to at least played for a little while. I'm sitting in front of the common room fire with a notebook on my lap and a muggle pin and it's probably about three in the morning.

"Hey, you still up writing those songs?" I turn to see Rave with his fluffy blue and black fur blanket wrapped around him. I nod and he sits next to me.

"You don't have to write them tonight. It's only January you know, the dance isn't for another four or five months." I nod again.

"I can't sleep." He nods.

"So why the hair changes?" he asks after a couple of minutes in silence. I shrug and am grateful that he leaves it alone; I really didn't want to explain it to him.

"What do you think about Remus nad Anna?" I ask after a decent time between his question and mine.

"Oh my gosh don't get me started!" he says and I smile.

"They are all wrong for each other! They look SO wrong together, I mean what are they thinking?

"I think they fit." I mumble. I want him to be right but I can't let him be or I'll hurt again.

"Are you blind?!" he exclaims. Maybe asking him what eh thought wasn't a good idea; he's getting my hopes up.

"I already know who his perfect match is. I've seen them next to each other several times and they look perfect" before I could ask him who he cuts me off. "But I'm not jinxing it and I'm SO not telling you or anyone else. They'll have to figure it out on their own!" I roll my eyes and he winks at me.

"I think I can go to bed now." I say.

"night." He says as I disappear up the girls' stairs. Maybe rave is right, maybe they don't fit.

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

Classes suck even more now since we've been paired up in potions class to do some stupid project. Guess who I'm paired with. Just guess. The devil is against me. Remus lupin smiles at me as I make my way over to his table.

"Hey." He says. I just flip my book open to the page and get to work.

"Your not going to start ignoring me again are you?" he says. I make the mistake of looking him in the eyes. They're sad, don't be sad; but I have to be strong.

"We're partners, I can't exactly avoid you now can I?" with a deep sigh he turns to his book and reads out the instructions for the potion.

In my other classes I focus on my songs, I don't really care about the work. I wrote one about Micha in transfiguration and when I showed it to lily in ancient runes, she said it was too depressing to play at the dance but we could still add music to it later but our main focus was the dance right now.

"Write something people are going to want to dance to, something they will relate to, something happy." Happy. I'm not happy, how could she ask me to write something that is?

"fine." I stay up late that night thinking of what to write about.

"Hey, what're you doing up?" I turn to see Remus. The light from the fire eliminates him and I'm once again reminded of how pure he is.

"Insomnia." I remind him and close my notebook so he can't see my brainstorms.

"What's that?" I remember that he is also nosey.

"nothing." He nods. After alot of silence he speaks.

"Lily and James seem closer than ever." I nod, and then I get this really cool idea.

"That's perfect." I say and run up the stairs to my dorm. I'll write the song about lily and James. Fire and ice, they are opposites and perfect for each other, she is fire and he is that which tames her.

This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

"Wow." Lily says after she reads it. "It's amazing. Where'd you get the inspiration for this?" I think of Remus last night and her and James but I just shrug.

"Well it's perfect. I think it should be a slow song with not a lot of drumming. Maybe a lot of base…" and she's off and there is no stopping her now. at first we have me with my guitar, playing small pieces of light short sounds but then by the end I don't have the guitar and I'm only singing. The Base has the most pieces and lily just taps lightly on one of her symbols threw the whole song and the guitar is the same thing I played but it wasn't me playing it any more. The song turns out good and I like it and it really makes me think of lily and James because lily is still in the background screaming. The screaming is the fire and the music is that which tames the fire.

By the time we're finished it's about four in the morning but we're all too wired to go to bed, so we sit up around the fire after changing into our school uniform fro later and wait until the sunrises to get breakfast.

"So really X who is that song about? Is there someone you like?" Rave asks. I glare.

"No it's about lily and James." Lily blushes.

"Really? I laugh lightly.

"Yeah." I want to tell them that Remus gave me the idea but I keep my mouth shut.

"Well it's perfect for the show." Lily says trying to hide her embarrassment.

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal I have become