Anake14: Hey everyone! I'm back with a longer chapter! *crickets chirp* Well…it was a long month and I had problems, plus I'm well on my way to finishing A Change of Lifestyle, namely because it is a much shorter story than this one. On the bright side, Lovina continues the explanation to her children in this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia Axis Power, but I own my overly random plotline and any OCs I throw in.

A Thousand Reasons

Chapter 14: To Admit Mistakes

"Mama! Mama!" called Lovino as he raced up the street to the villa they were currently residing in towards his mother who had chosen to get out of bed and walk around.

"What is it, Lovino?" she asked, smiling at her son's excitement and enthusiasm.

Antonia stalked up behind him, hitting him over the head, making Lovina hide a smile behind her hand as she thought of the times she would do something similar to Feli when he would act that way. "This idiota got lost."

"And I met Papa!" Lovino announced, oblivious to his sister's glare.

Lovina's smile fell, but she quickly made a happy expression for the sake of her son. "Is that so? What did you think of him, bambino?"

"He was funny," Lovino giggled and Lovina couldn't help but smile as she thought of all the times Spain had done something just to make her laugh like that ridiculous cheer-up charm or his attempts to make her smile which usually ended with him in pain and her yelling at him for being an idiot. It seemed that in the years that had gone by he hadn't changed, he was still similar to the man she had fallen in love with…the man who had broke her heart.

Lovina kept her smile in place. "Your papa was a very funny man, a very good man too. He's kind and protective, even though he can be kind of an idiot."

Antonia stared at her mother. Her mother was a beautiful woman, strong, graceful, loyal, protective, but she could be rude and careless with her words, even her actions were sometimes questionable. Antonia loved her mother and she knew that her father must have something in him that made him worth the love her mother gave because she had never seen her mother smile as beautifully as she was talking about the father that had no idea he sired children. "Tell us a story mama, tell us about papa and how you fell in love. Tell us…tell us why everything is as it is," Antonia requested as she and her brother sat beside their mother on the couch in the family room.

Lovina stared at her children with a mix of emotions, she knew this day would come, she knew she would have to tell them, but she had never thought the day would be so soon. "Okay," she said, settling and making herself comfortable as her children curled up around her on the couch wrapped in her arms.

"It was a long time ago, when I was still a little colony, my little brother and I separated. Grandpa Rome took Veneziano with him and taught him the arts and gifted him with all the talents of the Renaissance," she started. "I was alone for a while, our two halves of the country were always governed separately, but one day while I was alone and searching for food and shelter I met an old man, he had no children left to look after him and his grandchildren never spoke to him so he had no one to leave behind is legacy to. I wanted a chance. Sure I was a rude kid and I didn't have any manners, but no one gave me a chance, no one was willing to teach me. This you know as after the old man gave me the chance to learn, to do something that would make at the very least him proud, he passed away and I was given to Spain."

Antonia and Lovino watched their mother, while they had never been good at reading the atmosphere they knew their mother well, they could see her emotions so clearly, her hurt and longing from a time that shouldn't matter anymore…but it did, and they could tell their mother had a soft spot for her part of the country because of it, no matter the violence of the mafia or the dislike and contempt people held for each other, this experience had brought something else out in her.

"Under Spain's rule there was much debate on how useless I was as a colony, the only benefit anyone received was the bounty of my agricultural talents since I reverted to being lazy and rude much to the dismay of many countries. I figured if none of them would give me the chance the old man had on equal standing there was no point in helping them. Spain use to get in so much trouble with his boss because I use to pretend I hadn't a clue how to speak Spanish and whenever I did it was a mockery in order to bad mouth his superiors or get pretty girls to 'kiss' me," she laughed a bit, Lovina probably didn't even realize that her eyes lit up with joy as she recalled such simple things.

"One day Spain left early, it was odd because he never woke up early and could be considered lazier than I was at the time, but I later found out he had gone to see Austria to get help. Something about him not knowing how to handle me or whatever," she waved dismissively as her children continued to listen and watch her in a trance. "Well that day he met my 'perfect' little brother and wanted to trade him for me with Austria, who said no of course and he came back home so disappointed. It hurt a lot and I had to go back to my own lands for a bit after that which was when Turkey, and apparently France as I later heard from Spain who I yelled at for following me, tried to kidnap me."

"I don't get it. How did you fall in love with papa if you went out of your way to make him sad?" asked Lovino.

"I was angry, bambino," Lovina said softly. "I was angry and hurt and I wanted to get back at everyone else because they loved my brother. I loved him too, don't get me wrong, I love Feliciano and will always love him and protect him as best I can…but I was young and I needed something I wasn't being given. I needed love and I needed someone who would understand me. Ironically enough it was on a trip with Spain to visit France in what we called The New World at the time that I found exactly what it was I needed."

"How so?" asked Antonia, an eyebrow quirked curiously, a habit from her mother.

"I made a friend," she said, smile back in place as she thought of her intense dislike for the New World when it had first been discovered, Spain's long absences leaving her alone for long periods of time and how when he got home she was always the first person he would go see. "His name was Matthew Williams, the personification of Canada, older brother to Alfred F. Jones, the personification of the United States of America."

"He and I had a lot in common, more than I initially thought," she admitted. "See I didn't like the New World all too well, it was always taking Spain away from me on various conquests and fights to get more gold, plus he had conflicts with England at the time and the whole point of discovery of the New World was a battle between Spain, France, and England who were constantly at war. I went with Spain to go see France, they had something to talk about and I think Prussia might have been there at the time with his empire. I wandered off and I met a boy who looked the same age as I was, he was shy, polite, and a bit invisible to others, but I saw him. He introduced himself, said that it was his land and he was just glad someone could see him. Matthew, as I later found out, was overshadowed by his brother America much like I was by Veneziano, and people were always forgetting him. I remember how beautiful his smile was when I promised I'd always be his friend and never forget him, I don't think I've ever seen anyone so happy or grateful to know me and in return he promised the same. He acknowledged me, the first to do so since the old man, and he made me feel like I belonged."

"We spent the day walking through his forests; he showed me rivers, springs, waterfalls, and meadows. We even saw a few of his indigenous people, the ones who made him before the others settled on his land. It was the first time someone had ever laughed with me," Lovina commented fondly. "When we separated we wrote to each other as best we could, we tried to meet and hang out, he was my first friend, my only friend. He was the first to notice I loved Spain, he helped me realize it and held me when I cried because of it. I didn't want to love Spain and I hated him for making me love him."

"Why did you hate him for making you love him?" asked Lovino curiously. It didn't make sense to him. How did one love and hate the same person?

"I hated him because I loved him, Lovino," she whispered, not noticing Antonia watching her facial expressions as her eyes grew haunted, almost like she was remembering something painful rather than a memory built on love. "I hated him because he loved and doted on my brother, I hated him because whenever he did notice me it was always after I had done something wrong, I hated him because he did not love me the way I loved him, but most of all I hated him because he protected me and started helping me when no one else did."

"Love is never going to be a simple emotion, it's like a fire, it burns with warmth and hurt in equal amounts," Lovina explained. "I loved him because he was the first to teach me how to love. Where Canada was my first friend, because he treated me like an equal, Spain was the first to treat me like he cared and I loved him for it. I loved him because he protected me and held me at some value, he fought wars just to keep me as his and he never regretted it. He was the one constant in my life even after I had become my own nation he was still there, still helping me and fighting with me or for me, but I always felt inferior. He was affectionate and loves cute things, easily distracted and slightly confusing. I was never sure with him. I could never tell if he felt for me what I felt for him and my brother was still in the equation even though he had grown to love his ally Germany."

"How was uncle part of it?" queried Antonia, a bit wary of how her mother would answer.

"Your father had never quite gotten past how much better my brother was than me at various things and like to compare the two of us. Occasionally he would say he loved Italy, and I never knew which half he meant," she responded in a light tone, her eyes looked tired, much older than they had known she was, but their mother had lived through more than they had and honestly thought it was to be expected. "Nearly 21 years ago I decided I had had enough of it all. I wanted to put an end to my uncertainty and I had just the plan to do so. When we were younger my brother fell in love with a personification named Holy Roman Empire, when the empire collapsed he became known as Germany and I was one of few to ever make the connection. Germany had no memory of this, so I invited my brother and Germany over, I asked only that they wait two days, so that the next day I could put my plan into action. I wanted for one day to be perfect, for me to be able to admit my love and express myself."

Lovina huffed a bit, recalling how badly that plan fell apart. "The next day I woke up and it started off badly which really should have been my first clue, Spain called me by my fratellino's name. Then I made us breakfast and let him hold me where normally I would have hit him for being so clingy, but I really wanted to be held at that moment for a bit of reassurance that he cared for me. My brother hadn't been listening while I had talked to him on the phone, it turns out he had been making pasta, meaning he was distracted and came over while I was clearing up the stuff from breakfast. I should have made them leave and let the discussion wait for the next day…but I figured there was no true point in delaying it, so I pulled Germany away from Feli so we could talk, so I could finally have some semblance that if they truly pursued the relationship my brother wanted that Germany would protect him in my place. I forced Germany to remember his past, to recall being Holy Roman Empire, I made him promise he would never hurt my brother as he had in the past by breaking his promise of not returning to him, I made him promise that if he thought himself or myself a threat to Feli he would protect Feli by dealing with it."

"You said you should have known it was going wrong…what happened mama? What made you so sad?" Antonia asked.

"Germany finally had my approval, something he and I never thought would occur, but I was tired and holding a petty grudge against him meant nothing because he couldn't remember and now that he had I had gotten a promise it would not happen again," she continued, not entirely ignoring her daughters question as she stared at a painting she had hung on the wall near the window, it was a memory forever tainted in her mind, it was her dream and something she had longed for, something she doubted she would have. "When we walked in to the kitchen it was to the sight of my brother kissing the man I loved. I felt my heart break, but before I ran I finally said the words I struggled to say for years, I finally told him I loved him. At that point only my brother knew I was female, I ran to a field and cried alone, and then I picked myself up, went to the airport, picked out some clothes, and changed in a bathroom. No one suspected I was female pretending to be male, and I hid myself away from the world, I hid amongst humans and made friends, people who accepted me better than any nations did and I wasn't even here amongst my own people. In the back of my mind I hadn't stopped hurting though. I still cared for them, still loved them and wanted to know how they were, I still needed to be sure everything was alright without me, because if it was I wanted to give up my land, I would no longer be the unneeded half nation of Italy, and my brother would be as he was always told he had been."

"It's so much easier to pretend you don't care…to lie and refuse to acknowledge something, than it is to admit it's killing you inside," Lovina said, tracing shapes onto the couch cushion. "For me it's difficult, to admit my mistakes aloud. I know my faults and always having them thrown back, well it was bound to take its toll eventually. By the time I realized I needed someone I…I was so afraid of being hurt I didn't want to risk it anymore. Even then I consciously knew that I was setting myself up for hurt, but I was in love and I loved so completely."

"In my mind I made a list, a list of nations I could call and ask, but in the end it was only Canada, who still remained the forgotten, inferior brother of America and my best friend, that I trusted enough to speak to," Lovina stated. The story was taking a lot from her, it was draining her of her emotions, but in their place she felt something else, a sort of contentment for the knowledge that her children were listening, they were far more mature than most nations were at this point and she knew that because they were not judging her for what had happened in the past, all they cared about was that their mother was finally telling them why they were different, telling them about herself and part of how she became who she was. "Canada, Mattie, came to visit me, didn't care that I was a girl and hung out with me for the entire day. He told me about how my brother was still with Germany, that Spain was slowly falling apart, and he convinced me I was needed, to go to one more World Meeting before I actually went through with my dramatic plan of giving up my land and living the life of a normal human."

"And so I went," she smiled a bit remembering the amusing looks on everyone's faces that she was female, "and I spoke with them, but in the end I left it up to a bet. If Antonio would spend a month going out with me, courting me, and convincing me it would be worth remaining a nation I would return, however he had to meet my human friends and convince them he was best for me as well. It started out well enough, they followed me to the park I had built as a recreational project as I drew images of people for a small amount of money per person and then we went to go meet up with my friends who I usually cooked lunch for every other week. It was the conversation where it all went wrong. When we were going to eat lunch Antonio and I had a slight disagreement, about his friends, his choices, and where I fit into it all. We went back to my place and I admitted he didn't protect me as much as he thought he did and showed him a few of the scars I have, he left upset, but he turned his back on me and walked away. I waited almost the full month for him to return, but he wasn't. I met Mattie and Gilbert, Prussia who had finally gotten over himself long enough to admit his feelings for Matthew and get together with him, and told them what had happened, what I had decided. Later that night, after I had already completed and faxed the paperwork, your father came to me, it was the last time I saw him."

"I had thought it to be a dream when I woke up alone, but that was not the case and I didn't know what to do with myself until I finally resolved to move on and return to Southern Italy where I belonged," her throat felt dry, talking so much and the silent tears that fell through the story were not helping in the least, as she spoke. "The week before I was due to leave the nations contacted me for a drawing, they wanted me to draw them altogether, so I invited them to a small restaurant where I performed songs and created the drawing they requested. It was later that evening I found out Sadiq, Turkey of all people, could recall who I was and he promised to take care of me. I did not find out I was pregnant until the next year. Female nations bleed once a year, it is a release of the blood of our people who died during that year and we mourn them, but because I had released myself of the land I did not know what to expect and I did not feel the complete separation, almost as though I was still partially bound to it. It took nine years for you two to be born and you've aged like humans since you were born, however lately you've had a few growth spurts that indicate you might be similar to nations though not nations yourselves. When you were born Turkey promised to help as best he could and for that I'm grateful, because he became the new constant in my life and he's helped us more than I thought he would…"

Lovina's voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say anymore, it was all out there, everything in the open, and she had no idea what her children would think of her let alone themselves. Regardless of the story they would never know the pains she had, they would never be unloved. She was their true mother, something nations did not have, and she loved them unconditionally.

"It's okay mama, you're not alone, you'll never be alone again," Antonia said. It was odd to be comforted by her children, but she was happy because this was her family, this was where she belonged and she was glad to finally have a place. As she looked over at Lovino she saw him nod in agreement and she smiled because her children were not angry with her; not angry that she kept the truth from them or angry that she hadn't told their father, they just accepted it. They were so mature and she was glad for that, because they would need that maturity to live if anything happened to her.

Lovina watched her children with pride. They were the best part of her, everything she needed she had in them and she felt her wants did not matter. She had made so many mistakes in her life she was glad she could say her children weren't part of them, but telling them her mistakes had relieved her, made her feel as though part of her burden had been lifted. Just this once the reasons she held on to her mistakes didn't matter, because she finally found the ones that made it alright. She found the reasons it was alright to admit mistakes.

A/N: Still no idea where this came from since I've had Writer's Block for a few weeks, though it didn't turn out the way I hoped either honestly…I'm out of Sociology and Professional Communications now at least… I've learned nothing in either class, oh joy. =( On a worse note I must learn to drive…save me? (I'm actually mostly not kidding, even my closest friends have commented on how worried they are about me starting to drive…)