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Chapter 14 – Orphaned

Steaming mug in hand, Ashley entered into the med bay, nodded a greeting to Chakwas, and walked over to Liara's room. She found the Asari huddled into herself with an Alliance issued blanket fit snug around her slight frame. Liara sat in her chair, her legs pulled up against her chest, bathed in the orange light of her terminal.

Liara spared a glance behind her when she heard the door open, but turned back when she saw who it was. "Oh, hello Ashley," she greeted forlornly.

"Hey, Liara," Ash said neutrally. She knew she was treading on thin ice right now. She moved further into the room to stand behind Liara and look over her shoulder. Normally whenever she visited the Asari, all Ash saw on the computer screen were mountains of gibberish about the Protheans. Now it looked as though Liara was perusing through old pictures of buildings and landscapes Ash didn't recognize. The architecture was Asari in nature, that much she could tell.

Liara herself looked… lost. Her expression was blank, and her normally bright blue eyes were dimmed and faraway. Ash has seen her look happy, sad, surprised, and even mildly irritated. But never has she seen Liara look so detached from the world around her. It's a side of her friend she's not so sure she's comfortable with.

"I heard Noveria was pretty cold," Ash said, trying to keep an upbeat inflection to her voice. "I just wanted to come by and check on you, make sure you're keeping warm."

"I am fine," Liara answered dispassionately. "You need not bother yourself with my wellbeing. Perhaps your efforts would be better suited to looking after Officer Vakarian and Shepard. They were on the mission as well."

"Well thing is I've already checked up on them. Now you're the only one I haven't seen yet today."

Turians on average had a much higher body temperature than humans, so Garrus had been fine when the ground team came back the Normandy. A little shaken up, but fine. Shepard, as per usual, was more worried about Liara's sake than his own wellbeing. He'd been limping from a bullet that impacted his shin, and his core body temperature had been just a few degrees short of what was considered within an acceptable range. Chakwas confined him to bed rest for the next few days, and Ashley convinced him to actually heed the doctor's orders for once. She'd even helped Shepard to get his body temperature back up through rather… physical means. Involving his bed. And a lack of clothes.

Shepard had still been worried though, after what happened with the mission. For all of his strengths, Shepard still had a hard time abating his guilt over outcomes that weren't really his fault. It was only magnified by the fact this outcome had to do with Liara, a girl that was both his responsibility and his friend.

Ash only just barely convinced him to stay in his room and rest up while she went to check on Liara. He needed his rest, and Liara needed a friend. Not that Shepard wasn't her friend, but it was entirely possible he was the reason for Liara's dispassionate mood at the moment.

Liara finally looked back at Ash with a scathing look. "I am not so mentally unsound that I cannot be trusted by myself. There is nothing you need do for me, so if you please, just leave me alone."

"Well, yeah, there's nothing I need to do for you. But I wanted to." Ashley stepped closer to lean her hip against the desk, closer to Liara. The Asari seemed annoyed that Ash would invade her personal space, but made no move to stop her. Ashley lowered the tone of her voice. "Look, we're still friends, right?"

Liara's features softened. "Of course we are. That much has not changed."

"Then as your friend I came here to give you this."

Ashley pressed the mug of hot liquid forward in offering. Liara eyed it warily, but accepted the mug into her slender blue fingers.

She took a cautious wif of the aroma. "It smells nice. What is it?"

"Hot cocoa," Ashley told her with pride. "A human favorite."

Liara furrowed her brow at the human. "My translator just said hot chocolate. In what way is a mug of boiling, melted chocolate an appetizing or health conscience beverage?"

Ash rolled her eyes. "It's chocolate extract mixed with some preservatives, sugar, and milk. Moms have been giving their kids hot cocoa on cold winter days for centuries."

She still looked skeptical, but Liara brought the mug to her lips and took a small sip. Her eyes closed and her muscles relaxed as the liquid ran over her tongue. "Oh sweet Goddess that is good," she moaned.

"I told you you'd like it," Ash said with a grin.

Liara gave her a tepid smile of her own. "And I was wrong to doubt you. Thank you, Ashley."

"No prob." Ash pushed herself off of the desk. Liara watched her as she crossed the small room and sat down on her cot. Ash patted the spot next to her, giving Liara an expectant look. Sighing, Liara relented and stood up from her chair, one hand holding onto the cocoa while the other kept the blanket wrapped around her.

Ash gave her a hesitant smile as she sat down. "Look, I know talking about this really isn't easy. But I'm here to listen if you'll let me. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."

Liara nodded as she settled her mug onto her lap. "I am sorry for being short with you before. I have not felt quite like myself ever since we came back from Peak Fifteen."

"I heard it was a wild ride down there. Heh, you should have heard how much Wrex started bitching when we found out there were Rachni. I swear it's the only time I've ever seen a Krogan pout."

"I would have gladly offered my spot to him had I known there would be Rachni. As enemies they were quite difficult to overcome."

"I'll take your word for it. Though I heard you met one that wasn't so hostile."

Liara nodded solemnly. "The Queen, yes. We spoke to her, and she seemed genuinely sorrowful at how her children were used to kill innocents."

"I still can't wrap my head around talking to a giant bug that was supposed to be extinct. Though after talking with a giant plant too, I'm starting to think we should stop being surprised by weird stuff."

"As good advice as any." Liara stared off into space, a whimsical look to her eyes. "You should have been there, Ashley. The Rachni are more alien than any species we have ever met. But the Queen was such a magnificent sight. And the songs they use to communicate are… rather beautiful, in their own way."

She ducked her head, turning to Ash and speaking in a quiet voice. "Do you think we were right to let her go?"

Ash sighed as she leaned forward, raking a hand through her hair. "The cynic in me says no. The Rachni nearly wiped out the galaxy hundreds of years ago. I don't even want to imagine the kind of damage they could inflict if the Queen set up shop in a human city like London or Tokyo."

She leaned her elbows on her knees and gave Liara a sincere look. "But the idealist in me trusts Shepard implicitly. I know he'd never let the Rachni go if he thought there was so much as an inkling that she might go back on her word. So as much as I may not like the idea of the Rachni making a new home somewhere out in the galaxy, I say better that it's living its own life now, rather than being controlled by people who only want to exploit it."

Liara took a hard set to her gaze. "To manipulate someone is wrong in its own right. But to make someone act against their own will, to destroy who they once were and twist them into something worse…" Liara's hands tightened around the mug, sparks of biotic energy jumping between her fingers. "It is unforgivable."

It was when a crack started to form in the mug's side Ashley decided to act. "Okay, we should probably put this down now," she said as she pried the mug away from Liara's hands.

The Asari seemed not to notice, still glaring at an unspecified spot on the far wall. "I hate him," she said with a level of venom Ash had never heard her use before. "Before he was simply Saren Aterius, the enemy. The man who worked against our cause. But now?"

Liara turned to her, and it scared Ash just how much unbridled rage she saw in the depths of Liara's usually serene blue eyes. "Now I hate him. I want nothing more than to break all of his bones. To drain the life from his body until it is a dried up husk. I want to make him feel the pain he caused me and my mother. I want… I want…"

By now Liara was breathing heavy with emotion and a few tears had escaped the corners of her eyes. "Hey, it's alright," Ash consoled as she scooted closer and placed her hands comfortingly on Liara's shoulders. "We're going to find Saren, and we're going to make him pay for everything he's done. But right now we can't have you going off the handle, foaming at the mouth for revenge."

Liara took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. "It's not fair," she sobbed. "My mother was far from perfect. She could be so uncaring and strict at times. But… she always loved me. Even when I acted like a horrible daughter she still loved me. And she was the only person I ever loved."

"You weren't a horrible daughter," Ashley reassured. "Parents and their kids are supposed to get on each other's nerves at least sometimes." Liara remained silent, opting instead to rest her head on Ash's shoulder.

Ash stayed quiet for a moment, unsure of what to do. Back when her father died it was her mother who supported Ash and her sisters. Ash was still too young to properly deal with death. How can she possibly help her friend deal with it now?

"Tell me about her," she quietly asked, rubbing Liara's arm in what she hoped was a soothing way.

Liara was breathing easier again as she began talking. "She was the most brilliant person I ever knew. Of all the Matriarchs who had a say in our government, she was always the smartest. Her words would always make people stop and listen. She only ever had the purest intention to help the Asari as a whole.

"But she was more than that. She could be profoundly kind, and she always stood up for those she believed to be in the right. And she was exceptionally beautiful. That may simply be the bias of being her daughter, but it is not one I will ever correct. To me, and many others, she was the most beautiful person in the galaxy."

She chuckled quietly, followed by a short sniffle. "She loved to wear the color yellow. Most Asari think of yellow as lower class and tasteless, but she wore it with pride, becoming a shining star one could always look to for guidance. I remember she liked eating the berries I grew in our garden. She said nothing she had bought in the local markets could match the flavor I created." She hummed thoughtfully. "I think I used sunflowers from nearby fields as fertilizer. She must have known my secret, but she never said anything."

Ashley listened for a while longer, a small smile on her face as Liara recounted events from her childhood. Benezia had meant the world to Liara, the same way her father had meant the world to Ash. It must break Liara's heart to know her mother and only parent was now dead.

Liara talked for a little longer, and then lapsed into silence. She was noticeably less tense, but Ash could feel the sadness emanating off of her.

"I'm sorry about what happened," she told her quietly. "I wish it could have turned out differently. But… I'm sorry your mom died."

Liara shook her head. "I choose to believe she died long ago, before we ever knew about Saren. What we saw on Noveria were just… remnants of a lost person, come back to try and make amends."

Ash gave her shoulder a caring squeeze. "I'd say she accomplished that. If it weren't for how strong your mom was, we wouldn't have any idea about the Mu Relay." Liara nodded in agreement, but chose not to say anything. Ash looked away for a moment, not sure how to approach what she wanted to talk about next. "Look, Shepard told me… he was the one who shot her."

She closed her eyes and nodded again. "And it is something I am thankful to him for."

Ash's eyes widened. "You're thankful to the man who shot your mom?"

"The person we met on Noveria was not my mother, only a shell of her. To leave her alive would be a worse fate than death. And I could not…" She looked down, taking a deep breath before continuing in a soft whisper. "I could not kill her myself."

"She was still your mother," Ashley inferred. "And no matter how much she changed, nothing could change that fact."

Liara turned to her, and this time Ashley could see the empty sadness in her eyes. "Does that make me weak?"

"No it doesn't," Ash replied with conviction. That seemed to break Liara out of her self-loathing, because she looked at the human with unwavering attention. "Look, we all have our limits on the battlefield. For some people they can't kill others outright, other people draw the line at killing civilians, and some people aren't willing to sacrifice others for the greater good. Then you have the people who have no limits, but they usually end up being sick fucks like Saren. Having limits isn't a bad thing. They're the lines we draw so we don't compromise who we are."

Ash sighed as she took a hold of Liara's hand. "But sometimes we do have to cross those lines in order to complete the mission. Not pulling the trigger an enemy because you feel it's wrong might lead to more people getting hurt. And unfortunately sometimes people just don't have the strength to push themselves past their boundaries."

"But how can you know?" Liara asked her. "How do you know which limits must be shunned, of if you have the strength to overcome your reservations?"

Ashley shrugged. "You don't ever know until the moment where you have to decide. But sometimes, it's a good thing to have others helping you. Others who don't have the same limits, who can pull the trigger when you can't."

"Like Shepard," Liara realized.

She nodded. "It's why Shepard's an N7 and a Spectre. He has his limits, but he knows when to abide by them and when to cross them. Shepard can compromise when he needs to. He never would have killed your mother if he had the choice, but Shepard knew there was no other way it could have ended, and he knew you couldn't be the one to do it. So he made a call and took on the burden himself."

"And I am still grateful for it, but I never asked him to do that for me."

"You never had to ask. You're crew, Liara, and you're our friend. Shepard takes the wellbeing of his crew and friends very seriously. It's not a habit I totally approve of, but Shepard sort of makes it his mission to bear the weight of the burdens so the rest of us don't have to."

Liara nodded in understanding. "Perhaps I should talk with him then, sometime soon. I am forever grateful to the help you all have given me, but Shepard needn't compromise his own mental wellbeing for my sake."

"I think Shepard would like that," Ash told her. She gave the Asari a pat on the back. "So, feeling better?"

She gave Ashley a small smile. "Substantially." She surprised the human when she pulled her into a tight hug. Ash recovered and returned the hug in kind, willing to do whatever it took to make her friend feel better. "Thank you, Ashley."

"It's what friends do, remember?" Ash responded warmly.

They sat there for a moment, savoring the quiet moment. Ash idly rubbed Liara's back in what she hoped was a comforting manor. Liara might be dealing with the loss of her mother right now, but she was stronger than she gave herself credit. She'd bounce back from this, just like Shepard did after Akuze, and just like Ash did after Eden Prime, and a better person for it.

"It's so easy to see why he loves you."

And just like that all of Ash's movement stopped and she went rigid. Liara wasn't implying…?

She pulled back to give the Asari a peculiar look. "Liara, what are you, uh, talking about?"

Liara frowned pedantically at her. "You don't have to withhold the secret. Shepard has already informed me of your relationship."

Ashley winced as she said, "I'm guessing the conversation leading up to that wasn't a particularly good one."

Liara nodded minutely and folder her hands in her lap, choosing to gaze at the floor. "John Shepard is a… very compelling person. It is easy to become enamored with all that he is, but less so to have those affections returned."

"Well, you're not wrong." Ash clasped her hands in front of her and leaned forward on her knees. Looking at Liara she could see the Asari was down again, but this was more of a disappointing acceptance than outright sadness.

"Look, Shepard and I knew you probably had feelings for him. He was trying to think of a way to let you down easy. But given everything's that happened it looks like it didn't pan out that way."

"Oh no, Shepard was nothing but polite and understanding as he turned down my advances. And… it helped already knowing the outcome when going into the conversation."

Ash's brow furrowed. "I don't follow."

Liara took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I already had an inkling of my feelings for Shepard as far back as Therum, but I never fully realized them until after Feros. When I was required to Meld with him to help him understand the Cipher, I could not stop myself from looking further into the mind of Commander Shepard than I needed to. And quite frankly much of what I saw frightened me. Shepard carries many burdens and curses. For all of his assurances and bravado he hides a soul that is tormented by his limitations and failures."

She opened her eyes again, turning to Ash with a look of understanding. "But I encountered one part of his mind that stood out like a beacon of light against the dark. This aberration, he thinks about it with such warmth and compassion that it overrides his misgivings and doubts. Even with my love archeology and the Protheans, I have never focused more on one thing than he has. It is his beacon, and he works almost single-mindedly to make himself worthy of this aberration."

Liara ducked her head and chuckled humorlessly. "I was foolish enough to think I might be the center of his admiration. To think that the first Human Spectre could be enamored with a shy girl who makes better friends with the dead and forgotten." Liara laughed incredulously and shook her head. "I am such idiot."

"Liara," Ash cut in pointedly as she gripped the Asari's knee. "You're not an idiot. You couldn't have known about Shepard and I."

"But I should have," Liara argued with more force than Ash was expecting. "I saw all of the signs, but I was too caught up in my wanderlust to put the pieces together. How Shepard would always turn to you if you entered a room, or how it would always be your opinion he would inevitably side with in discussions. I finally started putting the pieces together after Terra Nova. Inviting him to meet your family, how long you were gone before you arrived at the field, even how close you were later in the evening. But even then I couldn't understand the full picture until I confessed myself to Shepard before we arrived at Noveria."

She covered her eyes with a hand and laughed without humor. "I am as a foolish as a school girl with a crush, and Shepard had to turn me away like some child-"

"Liara," Ash said again, more assertively this time. That got the Asari to stop her ramblings, and Liara looked to Ash again. "Look, I can't say I'm sorry. I care about John too much to feel sorry for the women he has to push away. But you have to stop beating yourself up like this! So you had a crush. I've had plenty of those and had my heart crushed almost as many times. It's just something we all go through at one point or another. You like someone, you find out they don't like you back, you eat a few pints of ice cream to fill the void, and you move on. Simple as that."

Liara took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "I know you are right. After what happened with my mother, everything around me seems to be in flux. And the temptation to focus on what I have done wrong is more alluring than it should be."

"You haven't done anything wrong," Ash told her sympathetically. "You told John how you felt about him, and unfortunately he had to turn you down. Was he rude about it?"

"No. As I said, even as he explained why we couldn't be together, he had nothing but kind words and caring reassurances for me. He told me none of it was my fault, and there is nothing I should be ashamed of."

"It's like I said; you're our friend. John might not see you in a romantic light, but he still cares about you. Enough not to hurt your feelings and make sure you stay friends."

Liara reached over to clasp one of her hands with Ashley's. "I think both you and Shepard are better friends than I deserve."

Ash gave her a slight smirk. "If I'm the best friend you'll ever get then you are one seriously unlucky person."

She gave Ash a small smile that looked genuine this time. "This is why Shepard holds you so dearly. One can always look to you for support and friendship."

"Yeah, I guess I am pretty awesome."

Liara rolled her eyes. "And you certainly don't lack for egotism either."

Ash scoffed at Liara. "Doctor T'Soni, did I just hear you make a joke?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replied innocently.

She laughed and jostled Liara's shoulder, causing the Asari to giggle as well. They sat there for a moment, laughing, as friends are want to do.

"Feeling better?" Ashley asked, more seriously but still with a smile.

Liara nodded and reached for her mug of cocoa again. "Much better, I think." She took a sip, sighed in contentment, and beamed at Ash. "And you should not sell yourself short. You are a much better friend than I could have hoped for. Thank you, Ashley."

"Don't mention it," Ash said as she stood back up from the cot. "Ready to get back to work?"

"I think I would like that very much," Liara replied as she shirked off her blanket and stood up. "Do you know what out next course of action will be?"

"For now, we head back to Citadel for refuel and some R and R," Ash answered as Liara sat down at her desk again. "From there, Shepard says we have some odd jobs to do in various systems."

"Nothing else leading us to Saren?"

Ash shook her head. "Not yet. He wants to look into some other strange leads we've found, and I know Wrex and Vakarian have both asked for some help with some personal stuff."

"Well, let him know if he requires anything of me, I shall be here."

"Sounds good. I'll talk to you later, Liara."

She nodded at the human with a bright smile. "I would like that."

Nodding herself, Ash moved to exit the room. However, just before she palmed the door lock to let her out, Ash paused. She went over their conversation, and something peculiar Liara had told her.

"Hey Liara?" she propositioned as she turned back the room.

"Yes?" said Liara as she typed away at her terminal, her back to Ashley.

Ash leaned against the wall, suddenly nervous for no real reason. "Earlier, did you say… John loves me?"

"Yes, I did." Liara swiveled her chair to face Ash again, but was taken aback by the queasy expression on the human's face. "Oh. Was I not supposed to tell you that?"

"What?" Ash asked a bit too loudly. "Uh, no, you're fine." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to understand what Liara just told her. "So… John told you he loves me?"

"Well… no."

Ash canted her head at the Asari, who sent an apologetic look back. "I mean, he never outright said it. But Shepard speaks about you and your relationship with such warmth and endearment it is rather plain to see how he feels about you."

"Oh," Ash replied dumbly as she looked down. So… John loves her. Is knowing about that supposed to make her heart beat faster and give her a slightly nauseous feeling in her stomach?

"I take it the L Word isn't so easily used among humans, is it?" Liara asked.

She laughed incredulously. "Well, I certainly don't have any reservations saying I love loaded chili fries." She grinned as she watched Liara blanch at the prospect of loving such unhealthy food. "But in relationships… yeah, the L Word really isn't something we can toss around without meaning it."

"I see. And do you love Shepard as well?"

Ash opened her mouth automatically, but realized she didn't have an answer, and closed it again. Did she love John Shepard? Of course she cares about him, more so than any other boyfriend she's ever had. Her feelings for him are so strong that the idea of a galaxy without John Shepard in it is one she cannot bear to imagine.

But… is she actually capable of loving him? Ash has spent so much time building up her walls, keeping other people at arm's reach, making sure they don't find a weakness they can use as an excuse to keep her back. With John it was easier to let go and let him see her true self, but not easy enough that she can trust him with her very soul yet. She just… didn't know yet.

After several moments of staring blankly off into space, Ash was jarred out of her musings when she finally noticed Liara had gotten up from her chair and walked up to her. She gave Ash a worrying look. "I get the feeling you and Shepard have to spend more time together before you can answer that."

Ash looked down and shrugged lamely. "Yeah, maybe. I mean, I do care about him. A lot. But… I'm not really the best with relationships. Hell I'm surprised we've actually lasted this long."

"Well, no relationship is ever perfect, romantic or otherwise. But, might I say one thing?"

"Sure, whatever's on your mind."

Liara folded her hands over her midriff and spoke evenly. "I am glad you and Shepard are together. Seeing you with him feels… natural, honest. I have seen the way you lift each other up, make each other happy. Shepard must bear the weight of so much, it is good to know he has someone helping to support him in ways the rest of us cannot."

Ash quirked an eyebrow at her. "You realized you're talking about the same man who broke your heart, right?"

"I am an Asari. Part of our very culture is learning to move past those we are attached to. But this is not about me, it is about you. I realize you may not fully share all of the same feelings Shepard has for you, but I believe you need only to give it time. I know he is not the only one who benefits from your relationship."

"Wow," said Ash, dumbfounded. "That's really mature of you, Liara. Thanks."

The corners of the Asari's mouth inched upward. "I am all too happy to help."

Ash felt herself smiling as well. "You know, you're probably a better friend than I deserve too."

"Well in that we are in agreement."

"Ha! Two for two, T'Soni. I think I like this new, snarky side of you."

A fair bit of blue blush crossed her cheeks as she looked away. "I think I've been spending more time around Officer Vakarian than I should."

"Oh, don't say that to Tali. She might start thinking you want her man too."

"You see it as well?" Liara asked with a laugh. "Thank the Goddess I am not the only one who thinks they are perfect for each other."

Ash chuckled. "Seriously. I think the only one who hasn't realized it yet is Garrus, the blockhead."

"Well Tali is no better. I know she likes Garrus, and I'm sure she knows she likes Garrus on some subconscious level, but whenever I try to bring it up she swears up and down she has no idea what I'm talking about."

Author's Note: Liara, sweetheart, I love you, but I swear it's the chapters with you in them that drag the most!

Definitely not my favorite chapter. However, the next promises to be a lot more fun, both for me to write and you all to read!

Thank you again to all those who have Favorited, Followed, and Reviewed.