A.N. Hey guys I am so tired. Also this is a personal issue but you know when you are in a garden centre and you tell the guy you dont think the plants have been watered because the soil is dry, remember and I want you to do this for me your best friend that THERE IS A GIANT BALL OF FIRE IN THE FUCKING SKY THAT HEATS UP THE EARTH YOU ABSOLUTE MORON.

Chapter 14

In the weeks that followed after his scuffle then make out session with Snape, Quirrell seemed to be getting paler and paler not that you could tell he was always very pale. Also considering the ripped robes and strong smell of dog urine it was safe to say that he was unsuccessful at getting past the dangerous monster left hungry in a school. Also Fluffy apparently adds insult to injury, or he was farming demon fangs maybe.

Every time they passed the third-floor corridor, Neville and Hermione would press their ears to the door to check that Fluffy was still growling inside, Harry wondered who cleaned out the room, Aunt Marges dogs shat everywhere and often so he could only imagine what explodes from Fluffy. Snape was mincing about in his usual bad temper, which surely meant that it was a Monday. Whenever Harry passed Quirrell these days he ignored him completely, though he greeted the Turban as the turban turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Ron had started telling people to laugh at Quirrell's stutter, that got him detention or it would if Quirrell could finish a fucking sentence.

Hermione, however, had more on her mind than the teenage bullshit. She had started drawing up study schedules and colour coding all her notes. Harry and Neville wouldn't have minded, but she kept nagging them to do the same.

"Hermione, the exams are ages away. "

"Ten weeks," Hermione snapped. "That's not ages, that's like a second to Nicolas Flamel."

"No it isn't," Harry told her. " Just because he is old doesn't mean time goes any faster or slower, ten weeks will still be ten weeks. Anyway, why are you getting up in arms about this?"

"What am I studying for? Are you crazy? You realize we need to pass these exams to get into the second year? They're very important, I should have started studying a month ago, I don't know what's gotten into me"

"Hermione, sweetie, I mean this in the nicest way to pass your first year here you just need to be able to write your name. This school is a joke."

Unfortunately the teachers seemed to be in a bad mood. They piled so much homework on them that the Easter holidays weren't nearly as much fun as the Christmas ones. It was hard to relax with Hermione next to you reciting the twelve uses of dragon's blood or practicing wand movements. Complaining the entire time and scared to say anything, Harry and Neville spent most of their free time in the library with her, trying to get through all their extra work.

One afternoon Harry, who was still looking up the rules of Quidditch was distracted by Neville saying " Oh god what is that smell? Oh Hagrid! What are you doing in the library? You can't read."

Hagrid shuffled into view, hiding something behind his back. He looked very out of place in his moleskin overcoat. "Jus' lookin'," he said, in a shifty voice that got their interest at once. "An' what're you lot up ter?" He looked suddenly suspicious. "Yer not still lookin' fer Nicolas Flamel, are yeh?"

"Oh, we found out who he is ages ago," said Neville impressively. "And we know what that dog's guarding, it's a"

"Shhhh!" Hagrid looked around quickly to see if anyone was listening. "Don't' go shoutin' about it, what's the matter with yeh?"

"We already know" "Us too" "Knew ages ago" "You guys talking about that stone?" Came multiple replies from around the area.

Harry looked around "Do these guys follow us around?" before he shrugged it off (though the answer was yes, yes they are following them around). "There are a few things we wanted to ask you, as a matter of fact," said Harry, "First question being what are you doing here you were banned."

"SHHHH!" said Hagrid again. "Listen come and see me later, do I have a surprise, also be cool don't let that old cranky bitch know I here."

"Hagrid." said Harry pointing lazily behind the giant man. Hagrid turned slowly and saw the glaring librarian tapping her foot "Fuck."

If you had told Harry that morning that he would be witness to Madam Pince throwing Hagrid out of the library like DJ Jezzy Jeff he would have thought you were full of shit.

"What was he hiding behind his back?" said Hermione thoughtfully.

"Do you think it had anything to do with the Stone?"

"I'm going to see what section he was in," said Neville, who'd had enough of working. He came back a minute later with a pile of books in his arms and slammed them down on the table.

"Shit!" he whispered. "Hagrid was looking up stuff about dragons! Look at these: Dragon Species of Great Britain and Ireland; From Egg to Inferno, A Dragon Keeper's Guide."

"Hagrid's always wanted a dragon, he told me the first time I ever met him, " said Harry.

"But he needs a permit otherwise it's against our laws," said Neville. "How does he get a permit?" "Fill in a form, you also need to have passed basic wizarding education." Harry sighed he knew for a fact Hagrid hasn't done either. "Are there wild dragons in Britain?" said Harry.

"Of course there are," said Neville. "Look there's one now." he added, pointing at a giant hole in the wall where a long scaly neck attached to a sleeping lizard head lay. "I thought that was a statue." Harry added idly "Nope that's a Common Welsh Green. The Ministry of Magic has a job shushing them up, I can tell you. Our kind have to keep putting spells on Muggles, to make them forget." Both Hermione and Harry stared at Neville with narrowed eyes "About the Dragons right?" Neville sat silent for a second then nervously smiled "Sure."

When they knocked on the door of the gamekeeper's hut an hour later, they were surprised to see that all the curtains were closed. That was never a good sign, especially if your greatest fear was Hagrid with no pants on. Hagrid called "Who is it?" before he let them in, and then shut the door quickly behind them.

It was stifling hot inside. Even though it was such a warm day, there was a blazing fire in the grate. Hagrid made them tea and offered them stoat sandwiches and beer, which they refused.

"So - yeh wanted to ask me somethin'?"

"Yes," said Harry. There was no point beating around the bush. "We were wondering what the fuck were you thinking." Hermione chided him by slapping him across the back of the head, Neville took this opportunity to ask one of the questions Ted, from the Hufflepuff Happenings, gave him to ask "Could tell us what's guarding the stone apart from Fluffy. "

Hagrid frowned at him.

"Of course I can't," he said. "Number one, I don't know myself. Number two, you know too much already, so I wouldn' tell ye if I could. That Stone's here fer a good reason. It was almost stolen outta Gringotts, by someone else. I suppose you've worked that out? Nerds. Beats me how ya even know about Fluffy."

"His location was announced by the headmaster at the start of the year and we are teenagers being told not go somewhere. I'm surprised no one is dead." Well that was true as far as Harry knew.

"Oh, come on, Hagrid, you might not want to tell us, but you do know, you know everything that goes on around here," said Hermione in a warm, flattering voice. Hagrid's beard twitched and they could tell he was smiling. He was probably a little drunk. "We only wondered who had done the guarding, really. " Hermione went on. "We wondered who Dumbledore had trusted enough to help him, apart from you. "

Hagrid's chest swelled at these last words. Harry shook his head in disbelief, was this all it took to get him to spill the beans

In fact it usually took less, Hermione neglected to say please.

"Well, I don' s'pose it could hurt ter tell yeh that (It probably will Hagrid) he borrowed Fluffy from me. . . then some o' the teachers did enchantments, Professor Sprout, Professor Flitwick, Professor McGonagall," he ticked them off on his fingers, "Professor Quirrell, Professor Sarcasmo, Babs, Filch and Dumbledore himself did something, of course. Hang on, I've forgotten someone. Oh yeah, Professor Snape. "

"You're the only one who knows how to get past Fluffy. aren't you, Hagrid?" said Harry anxiously. "And you wouldn't tell anyone, would you? Not even one of the teachers?"

"Not a soul knows except me, Dumbledore, Filch, Professor Sarcasmo, Babs The Ravenclaw Reporters, the Hufflepuff Happenings, the Slytherin Solvers, whoever was at the pub a few days ago and the school band. " said Hagrid proudly.

"Why the school band?," Harry muttered to the others. "Hagrid, can we have a window open? I'm boiling." Neville said

"Can't, Neville, sorry," said Hagrid. Harry noticed him glance at the fire. Harry looked at it, too.

"Hagrid you are a fucking moron arn't you?" But he already knew what it was. In the very heart of the fire, underneath the kettle, was a huge, black egg.

"Ah," said Hagrid, fiddling nervously with his beard, "That's er"

"Where did you get it, Hagrid?" said Neville, crouching over the fire to get a closer look at the egg. "It must've cost you a fortune."

"Won it," said Hagrid. "Last night. I was down in the village having a few hundred drinks and got into a game of cards with a stranger. Think he was quite glad ter get rid of it, to be honest." The man was glad to be away from Hagrid to be honest. "But what are you going to do with it when it's hatched?" said Hermione.

"Well, I've been doing some reading'," said Hagrid, pulling a large book from under his pillow. "You can't read Hagrid." "Got this outta the library, Dragon Breeding for Pleasure and Profit a lot of it is porn but once you get past it the info it's all in here. Keep the egg in the fire, because their mothers breathe on them, see, and when it hatches, feed it on a bucket of brandy mixed with chicken blood every half hour. And see here how to recognize different eggs what I got there's a Norwegian Ridgeback. They're rare, them."

He looked very pleased with himself, but Hermione and Harry didn't.

"And dangerous if the red skull and crossbones are anything to go by."

"Hagrid, you live in a wooden house," she said. "And illegal" Harry added.

But Hagrid wasn't listening. He was humming merrily as he stoked the fire "Hagrid get rid of the egg otherwise I'm calling whoever the hell we call." Harry threatened.

So now they had something else to worry about: what might happen to Hagrid if anyone found out he was hiding an illegal dragon in his hut.

"Wonder what it's like to have a peaceful life," Harry sighed, as evening after evening they struggled through all the extra bullshit they were getting. Hermione had now started running interference as the school newspaper clubs were looking for an exclusive with Harry .

Then, one breakfast time, Hedwig brought Harry another note from Hagrid. He had written only two words: It's hakching.

Ron and Hermione argued all the way to Herbology and in the end, Hermione agreed to run down to Hagrid's with the other two during morning break, if only to get away from Ron. When the bell sounded from the castle at the end of their lesson, the three of them dropped their trowels at once and hurried through the grounds to the edge of the forest. Hagrid greeted them, looking flushed and excited.

"It's nearly out. " He ushered them inside. "It should be gone Hagrid."

The egg was lying on the table. There were deep cracks in it. Something was moving inside; a funny clicking noise was coming from it.

They all, except Harry who was here despite his protest, drew their chairs up to the table and watched with bated breath.

All at once there was a scraping noise and the egg split open. The baby dragon flopped onto the table. It wasn't exactly pretty; Harry thought it looked like a crumpled, black umbrella. Its spiny wings were huge compared to its skinny jet body, it had a long snout with wide nostrils, the stubs of horns and bulging, orange eyes.

It sneezed. A couple of sparks flew out of its snout.

"Isn't he beautiful?" Hagrid murmured. He reached out a hand to stroke the dragon's head. It launched itself at a screaming Nevilles.

"Bless him, that's mah boy!" said Hagrid.

"Hagrid," said Hermione, "how fast do Norwegian Ridgebacks grow, exactly?" ignoring Neville trying to remove the thing from his face. Hagrid was about to answer when the color suddenly drained from his face he leapt to his feet and ran to the window.

"What's the matter?"

"Someone was looking' through the gap in the curtains he's running' back up to the school. "

Harry bolted to the door and looked out. Even at a distance there was no mistaking him.

Ron had seen the dragon. "It's just Ron. Anyways Just let him go," Harry urged. "Send him to a habitat."

"I can't," said Hagrid. "He's too little. He'd die. "

They looked at the dragon. It had grown three times as violent in just a few minutes. Smoke kept furling out of its nostrils. The dragon was now furiously humping Harry's leg. Hagrid hadn't been doing his gamekeeping duties because the dragon egg was keeping him so busy. There were empty brandy bottles and chicken feathers all over the floor but that was normal for Hagrid. Even as pissed a Harry was he was going to give him a sort of last chance.

"Hagrid," said Harry loudly, "You have 24 hours to get rid of this thing."

The following day dragged by Harry in his new pants since Hagrid's baby dragon had humped a bunch of rips in his other pair sat in the great hall with Hermione and Neville eating breakfast. They felt an annoying smell and person approach. "Yes Ron." The group turned in disgust to the red headed bastard known as Ron Weasley who was smiling "Listen you guys I've solved the dragon problem." This caused some raised eyebrows, mostly from the other people within earshot who immediately listened in at the words 'dragon' and 'problem'. Harry and the others were skeptical Ron never usually solved problems he normally started them or made them far worse in ways you could not even imagine.

"How?" Harry asked despite his instincts screaming not to ask. Ron grinned a crooked yellow smile and sat down pushing Neville to the floor. "Well you see I have a brother who works with dragons, so I told him and asked him to help us get rid of it in secret." As Ron spoke Hedwig fluttered down with a letter next to Harry "Ah there's his reply." Harry narrowed his eyes at Ron "Isn't that brother in Romania, you found out yesterday there is no way she could have made that journey." He asked removing the reply from his owl Ron scoffed "Everyone knows owls can teleport."

Everyone did in fact not know this and the owls were now pissed at Ron for revealing that.

Ignoring his snowy owl giving a look that said 'shut up you are giving the game away asshole' the group read the reply.

Dear Ron,

I was surprised to have received a letter from your for two reasons. First I was unaware you were even able to read and write. Second as I told you during Eric's funeral I never want to hear from you again.

Your plan for me to get my friends to smuggle an illegally held dragon is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard and I was there when you tried to steal christmas Good Grief.

I have informed the proper authorities and they will be enroute to collect the dragon before Hagrid does something even more idiotic.

NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN!

Charlie

Harry tried not to smack his head on the table at this and idly wondered how long they had before the proper authorities would show up. This was answered when a body flew through the window of the great hall landing between the tables.

A middle aged man in a robe adorned with the letters DMC covered in glass and cuts raised a shaking hand to grab the nearest student and whispered out "Tell my wife, her casserole sucks. BLEH." he passed out. The school immediately jumped up and ran towards the front doors.

Staring down at Hagrids hut they watched as multiple people all wearing the casserole hating ministry worker attempt to get past a shirtless Hagrid.

The students all burst into cheers and sat down on the field and steps as Hagrid leapt from the wall of his pumpkin patch towards a screaming lady just doing her job.

"Oh and a beautiful flying body slam from Hagrid, we got a real slobberknocker here for you now folks." Came the voice of another Ministry worker sat at an announcer table seemingly commentating on the brutal assault of his colleagues.

"Who the hell is that?" Harry asked as the man commented on another german suplex. "I think that is Ludo Bagman, he is in the department of magical sports I think." Replied Neville eating a hot dog. "Where did you get that? Where do people keep getting these hot dogs?"

Hermione had her head in her hands barely able to watch Hagrid ram his knee into someones back "AND I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S BROKEN IN HALF!"

"Spines don't bend that way he is like an inverted V how is that possible." Hermione stammered out in shock unsure whether or not to throw up. "It is very possible Miss Granger." came an airy and old voice, the trio turned and saw Dumbledore standing behind them with a soda and a hotdog and a gentle smile "Did you not pay attention to your classes with Professor Sarcasmo?" Harry wondered where he got the hot dog. "I don't understand?" She asked still unsure "His classes are just 20 minutes of him calling us names then he puts on Space Jam." Harry cut in "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I CAN GET A HOTDOG?" Dumbledore's eyes seemed to go into twinkle overdrive "Exactly" He said as though it explained anything, after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence and twinkling Harry broke the quiet "Explain as though we didn't get it Sir." With a small chuckle whether it was at them or the old ministry worker being hit with a piledriver. "Professor Sarcasmo teaches you everything you will need to know about the wizarding world. First that you will be insulted every day and second that the normal rules of physics don't apply." The two teenagers stared never breaking eye contact not even when a pretzelled worker flew past "Perhaps an example" Dumbledore wheezed out "Severus would you come over here please." Snape grumpily appeared "they're out of hotdogs." (Fuck) "What did you need Proff ugh." Snape was cut off abruptly when his neck grabbed by Dumbledore was stretched an extra 2 feet. "But that's not." Hermione began unsure of what she was witnessing "I know Hermione, but what did we just see."

Shaking that image which would shake them for years to come the group turned back to the fight as DMX started to blare from the school speakers. "Is that?" Started Ludo Bagman still commentating "It is! Its Madam Bones!" he yelled to thunderous applause. The head of the DMLE ran towards the pumpkin patch at a brisk pace, catching a folded steel chair as she went. With a single leap she cleared the patch wall raising the chair she struck the worker sneaking up on Hagrid. "It's a doublecross a double cross". Ludo screamed as Hagrid and MAdam Bones high fived.

In all fairness when the call for help was made they did not specify who needed help.

It looked bad for the ministry workers just trying to do their job in fact it was only the timely appearance of Steve the Security Goblin and the Enforcer that turned the tide of battle.

What followed was not pleasant for anyone not the ministry workers trying to pull the baby dragon of their faces not the crying Hagrid snotty and screaming with his legs in the wrong direction, nor for Harry when he let it slip that he told Hagrid this would happen, which caused McGonagall to choke on her hotdog.

"Why did you not inform a member of Staff Mister Potter." the head of house growled out with a hand on his shoulder. "Because I wanted to give him a chance, since he is a friend." Harry stammered nervously while losing all feeling where her iron grip held.

"That is such a sweet sentiment" She said with a small smile "You are still getting detention."

Opening a beer and laying back on his sun lounger Filch chipped in with his most sage of wisdom "well aren't we are in trouble."

A.N. yep so I'm off later.