Chapter 13 – Absolution

''Those who fight monsters should see to it that in the process they do not become monsters. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back at you.'' ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

As much as I loved being in my brother's arms, breathing in his scent and feeling his warmth, we had to break up sooner or later.

After he let go of me, I finally felt the fresh breeze against my skin. I frowned because it didn't make me feel better. Instead, it made me feel worse. It highlighted how dirty, sticky and smelly I was. The wind brought and scattered my scent, bringing them up to my nose. It was dangerous. It will be easier for others to hunt me like this.

My eyes caught Killua's eyes when he stepped towards me casually – eyes blue as the sky and staring knowingly at me. Of course, he's been an assassin since he can remember. My eyes zeroed to the two bloody blades in his hands. My hand twitched and I tasted the bitter metallic taste of fear and blood in my mouth. I really need to brush my teeth.

An image of myself popped into my head sitting on top of a man with my legs on each side of him. My hair were splayed out behind my face, being swayed by an invisible wind. The green light coming from the candles touching and dancing wildly on my bloodied skin. My eyes were devoid of any light, and my mouth was twisted up to a mad grin. No teeth. Just a black-hole.

''Oy, stop being an airhead and carry your own luggage!'' Killua stepped forward and threw my bag casually to me. I stared blankly down at its one bloodied strap. Ah… I remember I was cut on my left shoulder.

I touched my left shoulder then frowned when it felt nothing but closed bulging skin. ''Did..did anyone stitch me up?'' I looked at the staring boys. I tilted my head to the side when none answered.

''You…were asleep for more than 2 days, Hanzo-san said.'' Gon said. ''He said you were fine…'' he added, tilting his head to the side. He was holding my hand, I realised.

Fine? I got beaten up by a pervert and psychopath murderer, ran for hours, then got involved in a fight that wasn't my fault! He tried to kill me just because he can! Even though I haven't done anything to him! That bastard! He deserved to die!

''Calm down, Gin.'' I felt my brother's hand comfortingly on my shoulder. For the first time, I flinched away from his touch. He took his hands back as if burnt. I looked away from his hurt eyes. Something gleamed at me from the corner of my eyes.

I mechanically strapped my backpack on my shoulders. I reached out to Killua and he handed me my new set of blades. I decided then that I will keep them.

A spoil of war. The prize of my victory. The cost of that man's life from my hands. My hands trembled slightly as I examined the dirty blades. My lips curled in dark amusement. I knew that there was a high chance of me killing someone in the exam. Not because I was strong enough to do so. But because of the opposite. I was weak. That's why I needed to be cruel.

But I didn't want to kill anyone. In fact, I planned not to kill anyone. But that man… That man wasn't mine to kill but so was I. I wasn't really his to kill. He wanted to kill Hisoka, not me. If he had just ignored me, I wouldn't have to kill him. Hisoka would have. And then I wouldn't be so dirty right now. I wouldn't feel so empty and numbed and scared of my own self.

Before I knew it, there were warm tears flowing out of my eyes. The strong calculate how strong they are by the number of kills they've had and the number of weaklings there are. He wanted to kill me because I was there. And I was easy to kill. Even though I've never done anything to him. He just wanted it. He wanted to take pleasure from the idea of killing me.

''Gin…'' My brother stepped in front of me.

My hands clutched the hilt tighter. Gazing deeper at the tainted blades, I vaguely remembered licking them. I licked them whilst I was on top of him, and he watched. He watched with wide eyes, scared. No….He was terrified. He knew he was going to die in my hands. A girl's hands. But his pride as a hunter and as a man stopped him from begging for mercy. I saw it in his eyes. He was determined that he will not plead to a girl to spare him. 'Fool', I called him. Pride means nothing if you're going to die anyway. Not when you're stuck in a void, floating, praying for forgiveness because you just want everything to stop. I hated him then. Because I know, I'd beg, I'd cry, I'd give my everything, just so I and the ones I love can live.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection from the blade and watched as my face fell. With wide, unblinking and unfeeling eyes, I caught myself grinning.

''Stop looking at me like that. Don't look at me.'' I told them softly, voice breaking because of my dried throat. I realised that Gon was trying to shield the sick grin on my face. Is he ashamed of me? Before anyone could answer, I stepped out of the human circle they made around me. ''Don't approach me until I get cleaned.'' I walked away before they could stop me. Faintly, I heard Kurapika call my brother's name.

People parted away for me and I admit it felt a little good. I felt them all looking at me, sizing me up. After all, I was all bloody and dirty. I passed a man with a monkey standing on his shoulder. As I got closer, the monkey started yelping at me, throwing punches to the air. His master held him off. To them, I was now a threat. I gripped the hilts tighter in my hands and shot the animal a sharp look - Shut up or I'll kill you too. It squeaked and quietened. I ignored the master's watching eyes.

And there goes my plan on blending in… My lips twitched.

I stopped when I found a quieter spot near the edge of the cliff and I ignored everything else and watched the sea. A breeze came, bringing the scent of salt and cold water.

I want to go home. I thought.

Back to Whale Island, where I was safe, where my brother was safe, where no one looked at me like I was a monster. There, they called me a genius. They called me kind. They called me an angel. There, I never felt strange. I never felt like I should control my breathing or try to calm my heart. Back there, no one, no one wanted to kill me. Back there, I had control over my whole body. Here… people try to get it, invade my senses ad kill me because it would be fun. In Whale Island, everyone helps each other. In here, they only want to kill each other.

Hunters are evil. I realised. They will kill for something they want. Ging is evil. He would leave his children for something else. He has killed before, undoubtedly. Gon…

Far, far away, there was a copse of trees and a ship coming towards us. I remembered the dumbbell island – the fourth exam site. Do I even want to become a hunter? I thought, and after thinking about it, I found the answer was yes. I need to become a hunter. Not for treasures, not for money, not for adventure. Only because if I don't, I will die. Easily. Because someone selfish wanted to kill, and I just happened to be in the area.

Hunters are evil. Kurapika is evil no matter how gentle he looks, Leorio is evil no matter how kind and caring he was, Killua is definitely evil (assassin, hello?) and my brother… he's evil too. They will do anything and everything to pass this selfish exam. For revenge, for money, for fun and for equally selfish fathers who abandon their children.

As for me, I will pass it to survive. Because aside from Gon who doesn't really need me but I can't help to love, I've got nothing else important than my life.

Yes… I'm selfish like that. My shoulders started shaking, and a deep throaty chuckle came out from somewhere empty deep inside. I tilted my head up, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes at the feel of the warm sun on my face. This is what I'm selfish for, I thought. I filled my lungs with crisp salty air and opened my eyes and turned to the rest of the group. Why do they look like they made a group all against me? I felt a twinge in my chest. Massaging the area, I did a count.

It was amazing how few we were now. Before there were 406 applicants but now, there were 24?

My eyes met incidentally with Hisoka's yellow ones. I looked away and found the two examiners right in front. My face fell. I killed their friend, after all. Were they watching? I straightened.

''My name is Lippo. Congratulations for escaping the tower. I shall now tell you the details of the fourth exam.'' Everyone shifted towards him. ''Zevil Island. That's where you shall do the next test. I will explain the contents of the exam after we finish a draw.''

Zevil Island… Sounds ominous, I thought.

'' A draw?'' said someone. I took a deep shaky breath. Twenty-four applicants in one island. Why does this feel like another death match?

''We will start with the draw and in the order of how you reached base. Starting with the first one.'' The little four-eyed examiner said. His glasses shone and then showed his eyes which looked a little bit too big for his face. But they were fierce and made up for his slim and small height.

With those shark-like eyes, he looks really intimidating. I gulped. I might have gone a bit way too over my head there. Maybe I should've tried blending in more and stayed with my brother.

A wave of malevolent aura licked at my spine. I started, shivered and turned sharply at Hisoka who was a few feet away, also alone. I glowered at him while he merely pointed forwards to the front smilingly. I turned and found two examiners – Lippo and a big man staring at me. They don't look like they like me very much. In fact, something tells me they hate me.

''The first one!'' The small guy bellowed at me and I jumped. ''Oh! I'm sorry!'' I gasped and laughed nervously. I ignored how many of them stiffened and started whispering to each other.

''That's me!'' I touched my chest. ''Oops!'' I exclaimed when to my surprise, the hooked knife I forgot that was in my hands slapped me on the face. Thank Goodness, it wasn't the sharp edge! I shook my head disapprovingly at it then ambled towards the front. I gathered both the weapons in one hand, taking note of how the two examiners' eyes lingered at them. I pointed at my temple, smiling apologetically.

''Sorry… I got lost in my own head for a bit.'' I thought that maybe if I act nicely they'll warm up to me, you know. Even though the chances are really close to zero. Their faces remained flat and stoic. My face fell a bit. They hate me.

''Oh! Draws! I'm supposed to pick one! Sorry! Here we go!'' I picked one with a small smile and stiffened when a red light flashed around my wrist. When nothing happened, I pulled my lips to a smile again and bowed at the examiner. I walked away to the side, examining the card I got. Upon seeing a seal, I removed it.

''The second!'' Lippo shouted. Hisoka strolled forward.

#80. I looked around and found her. The cool woman with sunglasses and sniper.

''The third!'' My eyes left the woman towards the green thing. I watched as its head shook left and right rapidly while making continuous clocking sounds.

Is he even human? I thought, openly checking it out. I stared at his crotch for a bit.

Is it a man or woman? What is its name? Man, if he looks like that… I wonder how his parents must look. I muffled my gasp by covering my mouth. He doesn't have siblings, does he?!

My eyes snapped to Hisoka who I noticed was now walking towards me, card in hand. I tensed. I noticed then that his left shoulder was wounded. His poor costume was ruined too. My two shoe marks still dark on his chest. I smirked. Without bothering if it was safe, I addressed him. ''We match.'' I told him, pointing at my dark red shoulder. His snake-like smile widened and he tilted his head to the side.

''So we do.'' He said, voice too sweet and happy. I gave him a suspicious look. That could only mean trouble. What is this guy planning now?

My eyes widened and searched for a small black and green bundle of joy. I found him, looking ahead. Beside him was Killua while Kurapika and Leorio were behind them. Killua's blue eyes zeroed at me as if feeling my gaze towards him. His eyebrows curled into one of disapproval when seeing who was beside me. Leorio noticed and turned to me. His eyes widened upon seeing the red-head then darted to myself, his usual laughing warm eyes, gone. Soon after, all the boys as well as my brother were looking at me. I looked away, crossing my arms over my chest. One blade was tucked under my arm while the other standing upright, its edge tickling my face.

They were an even number, I realised then – well balanced. Gon x Killua and Kurapika x Leorio. I froze. Oh my god. I did not just think of them like that! Delete! Delete! Delete!

A male chuckle disturbed my disturbed thoughts. I looked up to my right and found Hisoka looking at me with an everlasting smile on his face. His eyes were closed so I can't tell what he's thinking. Probably something ten times more disturbing.

I was going to ask what he was doing here when I noticed the sorry state of his lips. The pale lips were swollen and there was a huge drying cut all over his bottom lip. ''What's happened to your lips?'' I asked, curious. I don't remember him getting punched at all. Did I miss something?

The creepy magician started letting out a wave of hair-raising and spine-tingling wicked intent. I took a step backward. ''Calm down! God! You're so leaky!''

''…Leaky?'' His golden eyes opened, glittering. I willed myself not to look away. You can't look away from a snake. You should always be on guard.

I wetted my dry, chapped lips and sighed when I realised I was dehydrated again. ''You're leaking that scary aura again.'' I told him, bluntly.

''…Aura?'' His voice adopted an even more slick and spicy tone. Oops, dangerous topic, I thought. ''What do you know about aura, Gin-chan.'' He leaned down. I bent backwards away from his scary face. I let my eye twitched and my lips to curl in disdain.

''Only that it's all around you, duh. For example, I,'' I pointed at myself using my new blade. ''I have an aura of… of… fragility and sophistication.'' I nodded and smiled at the empty air.

Hisoka arched a carefully plucked eyebrow. I felt his eyes travel down my body, then back up again. Some kind of alarm started ringing louder in my head. I ignored it. It's been ringing since I fell down that cage and found him there. ''Fragility and sophistication?'' he repeated.

I flipped my messy hair over my shoulder, scowling a little when my fingers got stuck midway because of a tangle. Hisoka leaned away when the sharp curling edge of my blade nearly sliced his face off. I inwardly smirked but acted like I didn't notice. When really, I was cackling like a witch deep inside. I removed my hand when the tangle won't yield due to it being dried up with… blood.

Then I tilted my chin up. ''Yes?'' I stared up expectantly at him. I glowered when he just stared. ''What?''

The smile on his face evolved into something resembling almost a true smile. Again, if not from the predatory look in his eyes. I thought for a moment that maybe that's just how his eyes have always looked and poor Hisoka's just misunderstood. You know, like those bad guys in Shoujo mangas.

I carefully observed every detail of his pale made-up face – those arching eyebrows, those long narrow smiling eyes, strong nose, full pale lips, heart-shaped face, hmm… not bad. So what makes his face look so evil?

The fact the he looks like a demon and that he preys on innocent, naïve little boys! I sighed then reprimanded myself, shaking my head slightly. Not everyone who looks like a demon are demons! Don't judge books by covers! You don't know, maybe he rescues stray cats from rain time to time!

I stared up to him again, looking for some good in him. No one was born evil after all. He licked his abused lips and stared back. The snake that chased and bit me at the ankle when I was six flashed in my mind. Nope. I don't see it. He'll probably play with the poor kitten, earn its trust then kill it in the worst way possible.

Now that… I definitely see it.

'' You may now open your cards!'' My head turned sharply towards Lippo and then to everyone who removed their seals on their chosen cards. Biting my lip, I looked down guiltily at the already-opened card in my hand. Oops…

I made a show of removing an invisible seal and looked at the card again before looking around for number 80.

I started when I felt Hisoka's warm breath near my ear. I jumped away, lips curled into a silent snarl. The magician merely smiled innocently. ''Just curious who you got, Gin-chan.'' His voice slithered like the snake he was. An image of a pink and lavender snake popped into my head and I had to shake my head to ignore it.

''Hmph. It's a secret. Who did you get?''

''It's a secret.'' I cocked an eyebrow at the man.

''I'll show you mine…'' he started. His voice dropped into a coercing tone. I snorted inwardly at his futile attempt. I had been using that kind of tone to my brother for ages and I was basically a master at it. ''If you show me yours…'' What if he got me? Well, we're still not on the island anyway. But this is Hisoka. He can cheat me anytime and anywhere he wants. He is a magician, after all. They are the masters of cheats.

''…Same time?'' I eventually conceded and he nodded.

#80, #384

Before I could stop it, I had already let out a sigh of relief. I looked around and found that everyone had removed their tags. So did number 80. I inwardly smirked. Early bird catches the first worm!

''Do you even know who this is?'' I asked him.

He only giggled. ''No.''

''Well… I guess that'd make things more thrilling for you.'' I turned away from him and listened when the examiner started explaining.

''Yes! That's right. Your aim is to steal that person's tag and keep your tag. That will earn you 6 points in total. Three points for getting your target, and 3 points for keeping yours. Should you fail, another person's tag is worth one point. Of course, you are allowed to do any ways necessary to get your target's tag. You have one week in Zevil Island. Good luck.'' Lippo said with a dark, sadistic smile. This guy has no heart at all. Can't he see many people's lives are at danger here? I thought.

Hunters are evil. A voice whispered in my head. ''They think this is fun.'' That voice, of course, was mine. Only a wee bit darker. I thought of the dark mirror I saw from my dreams and my reflection inside its bottomless depths, and shivered.

As we made our way to the ship, I turned to Hisoka again and asked him what that man's name was. He smiled and bent to whisper in my ear. I heard him breathe in and out. I held my ground even though the urge to run away was strong.

''To-ga-ri, Gin-chan. Your first kill was called Togari.'' I swallowed the heavy lump in my throat and walked as fast as my feet could take me away from him.

Togari. I shall call these blades, Togari, I thought. The pair of hook bill knives gleamed and winked at me. I saw his face and I felt extremely disgusted.

My brother soon found me alone. He approached me slowly at first. But when he didn't see me move, he crossed our distance then sat himself on my right. I continued staring at my new bloodied weapons.

I swallowed and felt my face crumple when later on, Gon leant his forehead to my temple. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and tried to control my breathing when the urge to confess became stronger.

''I love you, Gin.'' He whispered.

A shaky gasp left my mouth and my tears started falling down. My mind kept replaying to that part when I thought I was sure I was going to die again. The pain was too awful and no amount of mental preparation was enough to ready myself for them.

''I was sure that my waists were ruptured open. I felt air inside. My ribs were exposed to everyone. Every time I cried and every time I breathed, I felt blood and my intestines slowly rushing and peeking out. My shoulder was wounded and my leg can't move because it was slashed so deep to the bone.'' I told him quickly before I lose all my courage to even tell him anything. I shifted my left leg, staring at the red-brown bandage.

God, I looked so disgusting.

''But still, I didn't want to die.'' I hugged myself, still holding on Togari's blades. ''I didn't want to die…I didn't.'' I whispered, tears dripping down to my exposed knees. ''Because then… I would have nothing. After I die, I will have nothing. No more Gon, No more Mito, No more granny, no more Kurapika, no more Leorio, no more Killua, no more oceans, no more wind...

''I called out for you…even though you can't come. Even though you can't hear me. I called…I called for Ging.'' His name came out as whisper.

''Even though he doesn't care. Even though he's too far. I prayed that someone will come to save me. But no one came. No one was going to help me, Gon.'' I wiped at the snot running down my nose and lips. ''There's only me.''

My head jerked as the scene replayed in my head. How I was so amazed at Hisoka's awesome flip, so ignorant that I was next. The surprise when I heard then felt the blades eating at the skin of my waists. I stiffened and dropped my weapons to clutch my throbbing waist, my shoulder followed, then my leg. It's not there. It's not there anymore… It's gone… He's gone…

''He wanted to kill me. Even though I didn't do anything.'' I gasped out, as I tasted the fear in my mouth – bitter. But I swallowed it like I've always done and continued my confession.

''I was just there and he wanted to kill me, because he can.'' My lips twisted into a humourless grin. ''Because that would make him feel better. He wanted to kill me because I was weak. And the strong preys on the weak.'' I turned to my brother, wiping my runny nose once again.

''How unfair is that, Gon? Why would he do that, Gon?'' My brother was crying silently, lips trembling, mirroring my own. In his bright brown eyes, I saw my reflection. Disgusting! Yuck! Dirty. Smelly. I closed my eyes. I started breathing deeper to control my uneven breathing and the thundering in my chest. Wiping away my snot and tears, I choked briefly from my own spit. I tilted my shoulders back and gazed far ahead, seeing but not seeing.

''So I killed him. I killed a man, stabbed him until… until his whole chest gaped open. He was all bloody. His chest…they're so ugly. I completely destroyed his … sternum and all his ribs. His name was Togari. Those are his.'' I pointed at the knives. I reached out and grasped the hilts. ''Now they're mine.''

Gon said nothing. ''So, don't look at me like that, Gon.'' I can't help my voice when it broke. I pushed the tears again, face crumpling. ''Don't, don't look at me… Like that.''

Instead of answering, I felt his arm wrap around my shaking shoulders. His hand reached out to hold my face and he pulled me gently to his chest. I realised then when I gave in to him that my whole body was actually trembling. I breathed in his scent through my blocked nose. I chanted; 'I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. I…I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. I thought… I thought I'd never see you again! I thought I was going to be nothing again. I thought… I thought I'd lose everything. Everything. And you'd leave me. And you'd forget me—''

''I will never forget you, Gin.'' He whispered, planting his chin on top of my head. ''And I will never look at you like anything else other than my sister. My beautiful, pretty, cute, smart, and amazing sister whose name is Gin. Okay?'' Gon started caressing my hair and carefully untangled the knots. He stopped. ''Okay?'' I nodded. ''Come 'ere.'' He whispered and the next thing I knew, I was pulled to his lap.

''I'm heavy.''

He chuckled. ''No, you're not.'' He tucked me in closer. I let out a shaky breath and pressed my burning eyes on his neck.

''I'm dirty.'' He smoothed my hair and shushed me. He started to hum one of my lullabies for him. I can't help but smile and close my eyes. He was not bad at it. Actually, he was very good. His voice was still high and child-like, after all. Just wait until it breaks, big bro, I thought with a smile. But then, his humming brought Ging's awful singing to my mind. The way I remembered him singing Happy Birthday, the way he sings my name and Gon's when playing hide and seek...

Let him go. Let that man go. You don't need him. You have Gon. You have yourself. You will be strong. Stronger even without him.

Like magic, I started hearing the gentle waves and the seagulls singing overhead. The ship rocked us softly as it weave through the blue sea to send us to another death ring. The breeze came past and brushed us, softly and comfortingly once again. Slowly, I felt my shoulders relax and all my strength left me. My breath hitched and trembled due to all my crying. I felt sleep slowly taking me back to his arms.

''Well done, Gin.'' I heard my big brother whispered. ''Well done.'' He said again. Through my closed lids, the tears fell and the cool salty breeze dried them.

I felt someone walking down the steps and approached us. He placed his skateboard to one side before taking over my previous spot. This boy keeps on trying to take my place. I will lose it if I'm not careful, I smiled. I took a deep breath. ''Killua, you bastard. That's... mine.''

''What is she on about now?! Oy! Quit your-''

Gon shushed him. ''Who did you get, Killua?'' The silver-haired boy humped and said it was a secret. After a second, they shared a laugh.

''I'll tell you mine, if you show me yours?'' Gon invited his friend and then I fell deep asleep.

Author's notes: Skip if you don't like it! Hahaha this one's a little bit long!

Okay. Lights out again for Gin! This chapter is a bit like a filler. Just the after-math of Gin's first kill. I actually cried writing it. But I'm not sure if you'd feel her pain through my words. I don't know how to express it better. Hehehe. The lullaby that Gon hummed was actually ''Pan's Labyrith lullaby''. Check it out from youtube! It's so good! If I may suggest you listen to it while reading her confession part, it's really depressing!

So, what do you think of Gin's coping attitude, all that guilt and self-disgust...Poor, innocent, sweet, Gin...

I am so glad you all seem to approve of chapter 12! It's like a huge milestone for this story since it was the first action and fight scene! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for all your super supportive and kind words! I really hope Gin's gonna lighten up a bit next chapter! But then again, she's off to another test!

BloodySliver - About the second personality, hmm.. that's tricky. Because everyone of us cant be labelled as just one personality, right? But to be honest, your review really helped! I don't want her to forget her first kill too. And don't worry! No one's gonna take over her! She's still going to be aware of her surroundings, I think. Well, I hope so. Every Nen has their own dangers after all. And her specialty Nen is quite dangerous. Thanks so much for your review and PM! Wavywavy - ''A heart's a heavy burden'' - that's the one! I am glad you love Gon's and Hisoka's first encounter! Yes! I thought about it hard. Hisoka needed to see Gon. And even though Gin's presence will tilt the story line a little bit to the side, she can't control anything or everything. AmericaNidiot - Apple in the garden of Eden - I LOVE THAT DESCRIPTION! You got it spot on! Hisoka's the snake. Hahaha

UniCryin- I am so glad you think so! Thanks so much!, Aqualily - Hisoka is definitely creepy! Hahaha but the anime made him so HOT...xD, YCG- LOL! *EVIL GRIN* I don't know what you're talking about! *wink. havanatitiana- Your senses aren't failing! He does! Hisoka is creepy like that, he gets all tingly when it comes to good potentials and good fights. milpld - Hisoka/Gin huh. *evil grin, not bad, I guess. Age doesn't matter, after all. Maybe you'll like this chapter! EveryShadowhasitstwin - I'M HAPPY YOU LOVE IT! Thanks so much! I'm glad you like my interpretation of Hisoka :) maled- Thanks so much! ketaCareBear = Hey! I'm glad you love this book! Only 12:09? Baby girl, that's still early! WELCOME TO THE FANGIRL WORLD! ^_^ ... where sleep doesn't exist!

xoxo

Abby D.