Sorry that this took so long, guys.. I'm kinda sick and throughout the summer I was asked several, several times to update... Constantly... And I don't mean to sound bitchy, but please realize that the only time I have to myself are the weekends and vacations.. And while I agree, I should have been able to work a little (or a lot) on stories over the summer, but I am only thirteen (Fourteen, soon), and I do need to rest and do need some time to myself.. So please.. don't be mad or be begging for me to update every single day.. Especially since I have other stories and other things to write for you guys.
Sitting on the floor for two hours is not comfortable. However, when you have a boyfriend, two sisters who miss you, and a brother-in-law all gathered around you, every now and then you find a way to sit that doesn't send pain shooting through your entire body when you change positions.
When my family left, I went straight to my room. Or at least I tried to. People kept stopping me, telling me that they loved my suggestion and thanked me for giving them a chance to have an almost normal night with his/her family. As soon as I made it to my room, Sarah started in. I almost didn't mind the praise, but then I also didn't mind the alone time that I wanted, either.
"That was a great idea, Pheebs.. Thanks for suggesting it.."
I stopped what I was doing and turned to her. "Pheebs?", I questioned. She hadn't called me that before, in the entire three weeks of my stay. It had always been Phoebe. Kinda like Cole.. no nicknames.
"I heard one of your sisters call you it.. Is that ok?", she asked, nervous. I think she thought that I was angry with her, that it was a family-only name. In this place, if someone does something that you don't like, then you usually throw a fit and end up hurting someone. After all, here it's excusable for you to do something not quite right. Punishable, yes. But excusable.
"Oh, no.. It's fine.. I was just surprised is all.. I mean.. I don't have a nickname around here or anything.. So it was a little weird. Surprised is all."
Sarah smiled. "You said that already."
"So I did.." I smiled back at her. I had made friends with here. I had gotten a little better in three short weeks. I had remembered how much I love school. And now I had smiled for the first time without reason. Life was amazing. Life is amazing.
The day of one month's worth of being here, Sarah, Becca, Lisa, and Dara through me a small party type thing. They told me that the first month of being here was the hardest, and pretty soon I'd get used to the idea of being here for a couple years, or how ever long I'd be here. This set me off. I didn't want to be here for years- I wanted to be out as soon as possible. I pretended to be happy the entire time; Dr. Wantini told me that if my job as a psycologist ever fell through that I'd make a great actress. I guess the thing about being honest in session is that your Dr. knows a lot about you.
I've been in a funk for about a week because of the party. My Dr. says that I need to start doing something to make getting out of here seem real. I decided that she was right- I say it's because of all the drugs they give us here.
Anyways.. I decided to email my professors at the community college I was at. I asked them if they could send me over the material and the work that I was missing. Y'know.. Try and make up the college credit while I was in here. This made my friends realize how serious I was about getting out. It also made Piper see how o.k. I am. Cole says that he's proud of me, and so is Prue. Leo still thinks that he would be better for me then the doctors here. He said that I checked out, he would be more then happy to help. I thanked him for the offer, but decided that he was too close to me to help. I wanted to be sure that I was good. This made my doctor understand how serious I am about getting better.
People keep telling me I'm so responsible. That I don't act like I need help at all.
And honestly, I don't think I need it. But obviously trying to kill yourself is a sign of something. And if it's plain ol' dpression, then I want to be diagnosed with it and get over with the treatment. I want to go back to being normal, I want to go back to being with my sisters and Leo and with Cole. I miss them all so much, and weekly visits simply aren't enough to satisfy my needs.
I've been here a month and a week. It doesn't seem like so long. Looking back, most of it wasn't that bad. My new friends had helped it to make it ok, and Cole tried to make it over at least twice a week. He called even more. He'd come over from work on Fridays, go home as late as possible. The next morning he'd be here first thing in the morning. He called during his lunch hour at work. And usually at about 6, because phone usage after seven was simply not allowed. We'd talk for a half hour, and then I'd go to my room, smiling like an idiot. No doubt he did the same.
I loved to fantasize about getting out of this place. Specifically the first night with Cole. It would be amazing to be with him again. So.. wonderful..
I closed my eyes, starting to imagine the scenario again. How many times can one person think the same thing before they have it memorized? I can't even remember when I started thinking the same thing.
He came to visit me earlier. I told him about how I was planning to keep up with school. He said anything he can do to help, he's glad to do. I love him so much.
Anyway.. I have about a million assignments to do. I got them an hour ago. I have a week before some more come in. I should probably do some of it. I had a goal to do at least three assignments by lights out. Because it's that late in the day. I've been staring at my books for a while. Every time I think of doing some work, lilke I'm suppose to, I start thinking of Cole or getting out of this place. I guess reality is harsh sometimes.
Today Cole dropped off more assignments. He stayed less time then he usually does. He wants me to get out of here, and he's been informed of my Progress. That word has a lot of power around here.
I miss Cole. A lot. Sarah asks me stuff like, "How often were you guys together before you came here?" and, "Are you sure he's going to wait for you?" It makes me wish that he was here now.
You know, there's something I haven't told my counselour. When I really think about getting out of here, it sometimes scares me. I've been so sheltered from life while I was here. I've had a nice life, but it's not like the safety of these walls. It's not like knowing that you're ok every second of the day. Doesn't necessarily mean that I want to stay forever.. It's just scary sometimes.
But I still miss Cole..
And I do want to get out of here..
Four Months Later
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's happened! It's finally happened!!! I mean.. God.. I can't believe it's happening!!!!!
The other day.. Last weekend, actually.. Cole came in to talk to me. He was very excited, and I wasn't sure why. I know he's in love with me, but he had never been that happy to see me. I knew that there was something going on. I just knew.
"Phoebe.."
I walked over to him, knowing by his voice that he has something big to tell me. Something good, I remember thinking.
"Cole.. What is it?", I asked, shaking my head. No matter how many times I told myself that it was good, I couldn't help but think there was something to be nervous about. It must come with being in this place.. "Something wrong?"
"No.. Nothing's wrong.." He smiled at me- excited. "In fact, everything's right! It's perfect, Phoebe.. Perfect.."
I was half smiling, shaking my head. What was he talking about?
He waited for a half a second before he continued, but it seemed longer. I wanted to know now. Not when he was ready to say it.
"Phoebe, they're.. They're releasing you.."
What?"
"Wait, a minute.. What?!?!?! They're.. they're.." Think, Phoebe.. Think. Hold onto a thought. Just.. think. "They're.. releasing me? But I thought.. I've only.. Been here five months.. There's no way.."
"There is a way.. And it pulled through..", Cole said. "Are you.. Do you regret getting out this fast?"
"What?! No! This is great- fabulous.. Now you and I can be together. And I can be with my sisters. I mean, this is great. Just.. a bit of a shock, you know?"
He nodded, understanding what I was saying. He knew, because he knew me. He knew that I loved the friends that I had made here. That I would have to readjust to living in the real world. That life would be hard for me again, and it might even scare me. He knew that I was now a person of society, a person with responsibilities. But he didn't know that I was scared, and that I might not be able to handle it all.
"Phoebe, I know this will be hard for you.. At first. But you have me- you have your sisters. You have Leo and Darryl... You have innocents to save, friends. It'll be alright- I swear." He paused, smiled, breathed. "If it's not and I'm wrong, you can do whatever you want to me."
I smiled. A promise that he could keep, a promise that promised security- insurrance. He's amazing.
I leaned in for a kiss- a soft, sweet, innocent kiss. The first of many to come, the first of many as a legally sane person.
I was brought home that day- picked up by my entire family- Dad, Prue, Piper, Leo, Cole, and even Darryl. It was nice seeing them all again. My grabbed my suitcase and placed it in my room- I would unpack later.
That day was so much fun. Piper cooked all my favorite foods. They had all chipped in to get me a nice "Welcome Home" basket. There was a soft blanket under it all. 'It all' consisting of the movie Where The Heart Is, a pez dispenser, a book (Cut by Patricia McCormick. They figured it would help me remember why I was so lucky to be home.), a pretty pen with my name on it, and a necklace with the Triquatra on it. It was very pretty.
It wasn't until about eleven that I got tired. When I told everyone that I was tired, so we should start picking up, they told me to go to bed- they would take care of it. I felt so special. I knew I would be riding the "We missed you!" train for about a week.
Cole followed me. He wanted to be with me that night. Not *that* way. In the sense that he wanted to be next to me all night, to know that this all wasn't a dream. I did not object to this- I had a hard time believing that I was here, myself.
"Cole?", I said when he place me on my bed, still fully clothed.
"Yeah?"
"These aren't very comfortable sleeping clothes..."
He sighed. "I know.."
I got up and changed into flannel sleeping pants and a white tank top. He stripped down to his tank top and boxer shorts. Funny.. Sure, I had spent the night over at his place. But we had been naked. I had never seen him when he was sleeping the normal way.
"Cole?", I said again. We had climbed back into the bed, underneath the covers. My back was pressed up against his stomach, and his hand reached down onto my stomach. His breath tickled my neck, but I liked knowing that he was there- that he was with me.
"Yes, Phoebe?"
I thought I heard annoyance in his voice.
"Did I.. Did I hurt you?"
"What?", he asked, clearly confused.
"When I was in the place.. I hurt you.. When I ignored you.. I put you through a lot.. and I.. I.."
"Shh.. Phoebe, be quiet.. We'll talk about this tomorrow.."
I sat up, escaping from his hold. "No, we'll talk about this now!" My voice was loud. I heard the chatter downstairs stop, so they must have heard me. "I mean.. We'll talk about this now..", I said quieter.
"Phoeeeebe.." He stretched out my name. A warning.
"No, Cole.. I want you to know that I'm sorry.. That I hate that treating you like that.. I want you to tell me that you love me, that you accept my apology.. But only if you mean it."
"Phoebe, of course I love you. Of course I know that you're sorry, and of course it's ok."
"No, it's not ok!"
"Phoebe.. I understand that it wasn't you- that you were different."
"You mean that I was crazy.."
"No.. That's not what I said. I meant that you weren't in control of what you were doing. I get it. It makes sense. And I accept your apology.. But I don't want to fight. I don't want to."
I looked down. At this point, he had sat up, too, and we were facing each other.
"Cole, I love you.."
"I love you, too.."
I smiled. And just like that, it was over. The fight was done with. Things were ok. We kissed and then layed back down. He wrapped his arms around me, and I snuggled into his chest. He smelled so good.
The chatter downstairs had started again, but was quickly breaking up. By midnight, my dad had left and so had Darryl. By one, Prue, Piper, and Leo had all come upstairs to go to bed. And by one-thirty, Cole had fallen asleep.
I watched him for a little while- about a half hour. At two I was positive that I was the only one awake, that it was ok to do the one thing that I needed to do most.
I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake up Cole. I didn't want anyone to know where I was going.
I quietly headed down the hall, finding my way to the stairs to the attic. I climbed them slowly, skipping the third step that usually had a rather loud squeak. I walked over to the window. I reached out, opening it silently. I immediatly wrapped my arms around myself- it was cold now. I looked down, down to the ground. I shivered, but not because of the cold.
That window had been so much to me during the time that I was insane. It offered me comfort knowing that the window was always there. And it offered me a way out. Out of the world, out of the pain. That's why I hated it.
Thinking back, I can remember a time when I wanted the window to control me. A time where I would rather be dead then live in pain. I can't believe I ever felt that. Now all I could think about was how much I missed life in the mental hospital while I was still alive. And I had wanted it to end it completely? Why?
I want to expierence everything. The good, the bad, and the in-between times. I have love. I want to see where that goes. I have innocents to save, and I want to save them. I want to say that I once rode a rollar coaster for an hour straight. I want to swim all day long without stopping. I want to see the world and talk to complete strangers- make a friend out of everyone. I want to hear every joke, see every movie, feel every fabric. I want to accomplish the impossible- answer questions like, "Where do the butterflies go when it rains?". I want to be an aunt and a mother and someone special. I want to read my name in the newspaper, because I've done something good. I just want to live.
I felt a pair of arms being placed around me- Cole's. He stared out the window with me. I placed my hands on his arms, leaning back into him. I hadn't heard him come up- I hadn't noticed him entering the room. But that was ok. It was nice to have someone with me. Especially now.
I closed the window, shutting the door on that part of my life along with it. I remember thinking that I would think about this tomorrow. Just because I could. Just because there was a tomorrow.
I felt Cole take his arms down, placing one arm around my shoulder instead. I continued to lean against him as we turned around. We headed out the attic door, shutting it as we made our way back to the bed. And that was it.. We both fell asleep then.
And I would see him tomorrow.
The End
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Wow... It's over.. ::sniffle, sniffle::
Now.. Time for the thank you's.
Thanks so much to anyone who reviewed- it was so sweet of you. Thanks to NewGirl (Liz). She really pushed me to continue with this when I just wanted to be lazy. Thanks to Tia who made the extra effort of emailing me. Thanks to Mary for some editing. Thanks to Jess- Just cuz she's my best friend. Thanks to Dara and Lisa- real friends of mine. We're not that close anymore, but they did give me inspiration, so.. Thanks soo much to everyone. Thanks to Aaron Spelling, without whom I wouldn't have these characters.. Gosh.. Everyone, you're all so sweet.
Ok, I'm working on the next chapter of Then and Again already, and I've got another part of the "Best Friends.. And So Much More" series in the works. This will be the third and the LAST ONE!!!! Lol.. It'll be great- I promise. I've also got an original story in works under the screenname of Not Logged In. It's called Never So Perfect.
Now, I'm thinking of doing a sequal to this.. But I'm not sure. And I'm not promising. But I will promise to have something up by... the 15th. Happy now? That's ten days away. Lol..
Byes for now!
~*Becca*~