Chapter 8: Jessi

June 5, 2003: "Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!"

Xander groaned at the incessantly chipper female voice and rolled over, hoping to go back to sleep. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that he had fallen asleep on a rather narrow couch the night before so he instead found himself landing with a large CLUNK on the rather hard wooden floor. Sitting up slowly, Xander remained on the floor, rubbing his sore head as he watched the show unfolding in front of him: Sirius was slouching in an armchair, attempting to sleep while a very tall, very pregnant, brunette woman with honey brown skin was glaring daggers at him.

"G'way, Jess," came Sirius's raspy voice from the armchair beside the couch.

"Up, Siri," said the woman sternly. "You went and got yourself drunk last night; it's your own bloody fault you feel like shit now."

"Bloody hell, Jess," Sirius groaned sitting up and burying his head in his hands, "since when do you mind me getting pissed?"

"Since I can't," she snapped at him.

"Why can't—OW! Bloody hell, Jess! What was that for?"

"You bloody prat!" Jessi hissed. "You knock me up and then have the audacity to ask why I can't get pissed with you! You are completely unbelievable, Sirius Orion Black, you sodding son-of-a-bitch!"

"Sorry," he mumbled incoherently. "Just wanted to help Xander feel better."

"Who?" asked the woman.

Xander decided to pipe up. "That would be me," he said sheepishly. "Xander Ha—er, Tonks. I'm Dora's long-lost twin brother."

Big chocolate eyes scrutinized him intently. "Xander," she finally said, "that wouldn't happen to be short for Alexander by any chance, would it?"

"Yup, that's me."

"Huh," said the woman, breaking into a smile. "I guess that makes you my godson, then."

"Huh?"

"I'm your godmother—name's Jessi Martini, by the way. This prat here is my lover."

"Ah, I see," said Xander, smiling back at her. "Sorry about that."

Jessi waved him off. "Don't be. Don't know what I see in him most days, but then he goes and does something incredibly endearing and it all makes sense again."

"Thanks, Jess," said Sirius with a goofy smile.

"Shut up, Siri, I'm still mad at you," she snapped, whirling on him. "Bloody prat," she sniped at him.

"Spoiled brat," Sirius sniped back playfully.

"Ruddy canine."

"Stupid cat."

"Bloody nutter"

"Bossy witch."

"Incompetent moron."

"Moody feline."

"Pissy child."

"Snippy princess."

"Insatiable prankster."

"Ruddy troublemaker."

"Fugitive."

"Adulterer."

"I know you are but what am I?" snapped Jessi.

"How's the husband?" shot back Sirius, standing up and looking up at Jessi (she was a good three inches taller than him).

"Don't know don't care."

"Are you as turned on as I am?" said Sirius huskily.

"Shut up and kiss me you prat," said Jessi just as huskily.

The next thing Xander knew the two were entwined together as though they were one person rather than two. Disturbed by the mental image of where this scene looked to be heading, Xander quickly slipped out of the room.

XXXX

Stepping into the dining room, Xander was pleasantly surprised to see one Remus Lupin sitting at the table, sipping a cup of tea, and reading a copy of The Daily Prophet. "Morning Remus," said Xander, smiling at the sandy-haired werewolf.

Remus looked up from his paper. "Good morning, Xander. How are you feeling this morning?"

Xander plopped himself down in a seat and accepted a mug of coffee from Remus before replying, "I woke up with the hangover from hell, but suddenly I'm feeling much better."

Remus smirked knowingly. "Jessi woke Sirius up, didn't she?"

"Yup. And I'm pretty sure they were about to go all National Geographic on me in there."

Remus nodded his head. "I can quite imagine, believe me."

Xander paused a moment then asked. "Are they always like that?"

"Oh, trust me, that was nothing," replied Remus casually. "You should see them when Spotts isn't so hormonal from being seven months pregnant with the spawn of Padfoot."

Xander nearly dropped his mug. "It gets worse than that?"

Remus nodded his head solemnly. "On more than one occasion at school some poor sod walked into an unused classroom or the Gryffindor common room or the boys' dormitory or the boys' bathroom to find them going at it like rabbits."

Xander shuddered. "Really didn't need that imagery. Is she really my godmother?"

Remus nodded. "Nymphadora's too."

"What the frilly heck were my parents thinking?"

"Sirius was the only family member that your mother got along with and Jessi was a dear friend. Andromeda never experienced the exploits of Sirius and Jessi until after the fact—Andromeda was a Slytherin and we were all Gryffindors—rival houses and all that. She'd heard the rumors, of course, but she refused to believe them."

Xander contemplated this in silence. Suddenly it hit him. "Remus?" he said.

"Hm?"

"I don't hear anything. Do you think it's safe yet?"

Remus glared at him. "Do you want to be scared for life, boy? Jessi's an expert at silencing charms—believe me, I know."

"Oh," said Xander. Then he realized something. "Wait, what do you mean you know?"

Remus raised his eyebrow. "Well, let's just say that Sissi and I used to be more than just friends."

"Really?"

"Indeed. Until we slept together and realized that we weren't meant to be."

"So you and her? Just the once, right?"

"Twice," replied Remus, blushing a bit. "We decided to drown our sorrows together eleven years ago and we were both completely smashed—the first time was when we were just out of school."

"So how'd that go for you?" Xander asked teasingly.

Remus blushed bright red. "We decided we were far better off as best friends—brother and sister even, but definitely not lovers. The twins are now eighteen, with careers and families of their own and Finn is nearly set to start Hogwarts in the fall."

"Wait, you're telling me you and Jessi have kids?"

"Yes, well, Jessi is immune to magical birth control, and muggle birth control is nullified by the magic naturally present in a witch's body…and Jessi loves her sex."

"I see," said Xander contemplating. "Out of curiosity, just how many kids does Jessi have anyway?"

"Well," began Remus, "she and I have the twins and Finn, she had a son with James the year he died, she has two children with her husband, and she and Sirius have eight not counting the one on the way—so fourteen, soon to be fifteen."

Xander jumped and actually dropped his mug this time. "Sweet googly-moogly!" he exclaimed. "How does she do it? And what do you mean husband? I thought she and Sirius were together."

Remus chuckled. "One question at a time, Xander. As to how she does it, her family is filthy rich; she has a mansion full of servants—more than one, actually—and most of her children are of age, some with families of their own. As for the husband issue, well Jessi and Carlos had a fight while she was pregnant with Eli and she left him, but to this day he reuses to give her a divorce. As you can see, that hasn't stopped her from being with Sirius; they've been together off and on since our first year, even when they were both dating other people."

"She's a very messed up person isn't she?"

"Yes, I'm afraid she is," sighed Remus. "Her parents weren't around much when she was growing up and then her mother was killed at the end of our sixth year. Her father was never the same after that; he withdrew completely and has rarely ever left the comfort of his wing of their castle in Italy since."

Xander contemplated this. "Is she a good mom?" he finally asked.

"She's certainly around more than her or Sirius's parents ever were," replied Remus. "She's not always the most responsible person, but she lays down the law when she has too—her children all adore her, that's for sure and she loves them unconditionally as well, despite whatever else she may claim."

"Well, I guess that's all that really matters, isn't it?"

"Indeed," replied Remus. "She's really an amazing woman you know."

"Well, I really don't know her, but as long as I don't have to see or hear her and my cousin going at it I'm not against getting to know her."

Remus quirked his eyebrow at Xander. "Good luck with that," he quipped.

"What have I gotten myself into here?" muttered Xander, thumping his head on the table and burying his face in his hands.

"I've been asking myself the self-same question since I first met Jessi on the train to Hogwarts back in our first year," said Remus fondly.