I stretch my arms out above my head as I yawn before I turn onto my back and rub my eyes, I blink at the harsh sunlight pouring through the nearby window before I jump in surprise when the phone on the bedside table rings. I tentatively reach over and sleepily pick up the receiver before I smile when I hear a cheery voice on the other end of the phone, I assume that it must be an employee at the hotel.
"Good Morning, Miss Williams. This is your 7.30 am wake-up call"
"Wake-up call?" I repeat in confusion "B-But I never asked for a wake-up call" I add quickly as I push myself onto my side and hold the phone between my ear and shoulder.
"Oh, I'm sorry. There was a wake-up call requested when the room was booked by a…Mr Luke Sawyer?"
"That makes sense" I say sighing as I reluctantly push myself up into a sitting position because I know that I'll never get back to sleep now.
"Good. Breakfast will be served downstairs in the dining room until 10am or you can have breakfast in bed"
"Really?" I reply as my eyes widen in surprise when she mentions breakfast in bed but I assume that Master has already settled the bill which means that I'll pretty much be able to get whatever I want. I intend to leave straight after breakfast however before Sawyer or Master even get the chance to arrive "Breakfast in bed would be great, if that's alright" I answer quietly as I get slightly more comfortable in my bed and plan my escape route.
"Of course. We'll bring you up a cooked breakfast and selection of cereals soon"
"Thank y-" I stop suddenly when I hear a knock on my door, surely they couldn't be that fast, could they? I put the receiver down and climb out of bed before I walk over to the door in the same clothes that I was wearing yesterday, I pull down my sleeve to cover my bandage, which really needs to be changed before I open the door.
"Good morning, Ma'am" Sawyer greets me quietly before he holding out a bag "Mr Grey asked me to bring you a change of clothes"
"Huh?" I question surprised as I take the plastic bag from him and glance up at him suspiciously "I-I thought that Master-" I pause and frown when he flinches at my choice of address for Master "Mr Grey was upset, after yesterday" I reluctantly correct myself and squirm as I ask my question because I hate the thought of Master being annoyed, angry or upset with me. I know that upset is probably an understatement but I have to help Master to see, exactly what I can see.
"It's not my place to comment, Ma'am" Sawyer answers as he skilfully avoids answering my question. I haven't forgotten that he tried to persuade Master to call the police last night which explains his feelings about my 'visit' to Master but he just doesn't understand "I am here to escort you to your outpatients appointment then to the airport"
"I see. When is my appointment?"
"10.30 and your flight is booked for 2pm" Sawyer replies simply before he pulls out his phone and turns away from me. I glare at his retreating back before I slam the door shut and walk back over to the bed, I throw myself down on it and lay back before throwing my arm over my eyes blocking out the world, I feel like I'm fighting an internal battle with myself because I long to please Master and follow his orders but I am terrified about going to this outpatients appointment and their way of 'helping' me.
Why can't Master understand that we can help each other? I can be everything that the-girl-who-looks-like-me is and I can satisfy his needs, he can give me the direction and guide that I need in life. I feel hot tears of frustration fill my eyes as I think about my day ahead but refuse to give up yet. Master and I are meant to be together and I will make him realize that, especially since the-girl-who-looks-like-me decided to walk out on him which I can't believe she even contemplated doing.
I reluctantly push myself off the comfy bed and drag my feet into the bathroom before I reach inside the shower and carefully adjust the temperature of the water, I hiss as the water splashes against my injured wrist and quickly pull it out of the shower before adjusting my bandage to cover part of my injury that had been uncovered while I was sleeping. I strip of all my clothes a moment later and climb into the shower before I lean my head back and let the water flow over my hair and forehead, I don't flinch as the warm droplets of water make their way down the sides of my cheeks and merge with my tears as it feels oddly calming and soothing although it does nothing to help me with my problems about Master.
I emerge from the shower twenty minutes later and wrap a warm, fuzzy towel around my body and another around my hair before I walk back into the bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed, I lift my soaking wet, bandage covered arm and rest on my towel covered lap before I gently begin to unwrap my arm. I belatedly realize that I should have unwrapped my arm before entering the shower and wince as I pull the bandage away from my wrist and frown as the scars slowly come into view because I know that they are never going to fade, they are going to be there forever as a memory, a regret, a reminder of that night.
I quickly reach up and adjust the towel around my head which had slipped down slightly and fell down over my eyes before I just pull it off my head and throw it down onto the bed, I squirm as my wet hair drips down my shoulders and pull it all over my right shoulder before I turn my attention to the bag that Luke brought in earlier. I peek inside and pull out the contents of the bag and blink in surprise when I notice that there is a new roll of bandages and cream to help my scars before I look through the clothes, I pull out a mint green thin strap t-shirt, pale pink jumper, a pair of grey jogging pants and a clean bra and underwear.
I shrug at Master choice of clothes, although I assume that it was probably Taylor or Sawyer that actually bought them, before I pick up the yellow bottle of cream and squirt some onto my hand, I don't really want to use it or re-bandage my wrist but I can't bring myself to disobey Master especially since I am still trying to prove to Master than I am better for him than the-girl-who-looks-like-me. I gently rub the white cream over my scars and hiss as they sting momentarily before I pick up the white bandage and begin to carefully wrap it around my wrist and forearm which hides my injuries from view.
Fifteen minutes later I'm fully dressed and tug at the sleeves of my new pink jumper before I jump when I hear a knock on the door followed by a cheery female voice announcing that my breakfast has arrived, I slowly walk over to the door and open it before I smile as a woman, around my age with blonde hair steps into the room holding a tray, I glare at Luke through the partially open door but give the blonde woman a small smile as she leaves the tray on top of the small table in the corner of the room before quickly leaving the room.
I glance at the tray and blink but don't walk any further towards it, I don't feel as hungry as earlier and I don't think that I can concentrate on eating especially with the outpatients appointment looming over me. I could escape and hide at Susi's until everything calms down but I doubt that Master will be happy until i'm out of the city, not to mention I can't disobey him especially since he specifically ordered me to go today and be honest. Why can't Master see what I see so clearly? He obviously wanted to be with me, why does he fight it?
I sigh as hot tears sting my eyes before my attention is drawn to the door when I hear Luke talking, I cross the small distance to the wall next to the door and put my ear up against it, the sound is muffled but the walls are pretty thin which means that I can hear part of the conversation.
"No Sir, she hasn't left her room" Luke answers calmly and I almost feel my heart leap out of my chest when I realize that Master must be on the other side of the phone "I promise that she won't leave my sight until she's on the plane, Mr Grey" Luke adds after a pause and I tilt my head in thought as an idea quickly forms in my mind but I don't have much time to think about it before the male voice interrupts my thoughts "I don't think I-" Luke stops mid-sentence and I can only imagine that he said something that Master didn't like "Yes Sir, i'll handle it" Luke counters a moment later and I blink curiously, what is Master so concerned about?
I jump a moment later as I hear him knock on the door before Luke pops his head into the room and looks around until his eyes finally settle on me.
"What?" I question sharply as I walk across the room and sit down on the edge of the bed.
"You haven't touched your breakfast" Luke comments awkwardly as he motions towards the tray on the table, filled with tea, coffee, fruit juice, a cooked breakfast and a few small boxes of cereal and milk.
"I'm not hungry" I answer automatically.
"Mr Grey would prefer that you eat before your appointment today" Luke explains gently which causes my eyes to widen and expression to soften which explains the call that I heard earlier and proves that Master truly cares about me.
"Oh" I answer gently before walking over and sitting down at the table, my stomach protests at the sight of the food but I just try to ignore it "Did Master say anything else?" I ask curiously as I pick at the toast and roll my eyes when I see him flinch because I called him Master.
"No. I'll leave you eat your breakfast and i'll just be outside" Luke replies quickly and exits the room, I blink at his quick departure before I reluctantly turn back to my food as my body swims with happiness at the reminder of Master proving that he still cares about me.
"Come in, Miss Williams" I look up and frown when I see a man holding open the door across from me, I assume that he is the psychologist that I have been dragged here to see and instantly study his expression and features, he has short dark brown hair with a smattering of grey, understanding green eyes and a curious expression which only makes me want to shut down quicker but I know that I have to at least try because Master ordered me to and I want to please him.
I slowly push myself off the chair up onto my shaky legs before I walk across the room and step inside the room, I blink in surprise as I look around because it doesn't look anything like I first expected although it does have a relaxing atmosphere. I can feel the psychologist's eyes on me, so I walk further into the room before sitting down on a large cream, fabric couch which is side facing a large leather chair while the window behind me streaming light into the room.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Williams" I reply silently with a small smile because I refuse to give anything away unless he asks me a direct question. I have to answer his questions honestly but that doesn't mean that I have to say anything that he doesn't specifically ask, I need to be careful because i'm sure that he has the power to commit me to 'help me' better and I cannot allow that to happen, not when Master is so close to realizing that we are meant to spend our lives together "My name is Doctor Brown but you can call me Robert, if you prefer" I nod silently in response before I lean forward slightly as he reaches down the left side of his chair and picks up a large black, leather folder, he pulls out a pen and flips the book open revealing a pad of paper and another printed sheet of paper with lines of information, I assume about me.
I look down at my feet which are trapped inside my shoes and I wish that I could pull them off and allow my feet to breathe but I know that anything I do will be watched and scrutinized, so I just cross my ankles and continue to remind myself that no one will understand that I just like to do things slightly differently and that I don't need their help.
"Do you prefer to be called Leila or Miss Williams?" Dr Brown questions gently and I shrug as I try to appear easy-going because I really don't care which he chooses, I just want to be out of here "I'll use Leila then, it's more informal" Dr Brown adds a moment later and smiles at me before glancing back down at his paper "I just want to let you know that anything and everything that you say here is confidential and won't be shared with anyone, i'm sure you know that Mr Grey is paying for this but he will only be informed about your progress today" My eyes immediately shoot up to meet his when he mentions Master and I blink in surprise when he explains that he won't be told anything because I never realized that although I doubt that it would stop me being committed if he felt that it was necessary.
"It says here that you injured yourself in Mr Grey's home, only a matter of days ago. Would you like to speak about that?"
No, I don't want to speak to you about anything but I know that I have to.
"I had went to the apartment to speak to Ma-" I stop suddenly and look up at Doctor Brown worriedly but amazingly he seems to have not noticed my slip and simply gives me an encouraging smile, I look away and gently tap my feet on the carpeted floor "Mr Grey but he wasn't there, it was only his housekeeper and his security"
"I see. What happened next?"
"Gail, the housekeeper, explained that he wasn't there and I got slightly" I pause momentarily as I try to choose the right word "Upset" I explain carefully and watch out the corner of my eye as he raises his eyebrow before scribbling on his pad "Next thing I knew, I had a knife in my hand and it just seemed easier to have physical pain that emotional pain" I add absent-mindedly and mentally kick myself when I realize that i've revealed more than I first intended to.
"You had a relationship with Mr Grey a few years ago, correct?" Doctor Brown questions and I nod slowly as I wonder where he going with this "Then you got married but left your husband for another man who died in a car crash. Did you or have you thought about getting counseling about that?" I frown as I feel tears sting my eyes, why would I want to talk to anyone about that? I know that it happened for a good reason and I think that he would agree, if he could see how happy that Master and I are going to be together.
I watch as he waits for my answer but I stay silent and just lock his gaze with my own, his nose twitches slightly before he drops his gaze and scribbles onto his pad "Have you ever tried to self-harm in the past?"
"No, why would I?" I counter defensively and I can see from his reaction that i've surprised him but he simply offers me an understanding smile and leans forward in his chair "I only asked because some people who have self-harmed in the past, often turn back to it when they are scared, angry or confused" Doctor Brown explains gently. I find myself twirling a piece of hair around my finger as I listen to him before my expression drops back into annoyance when he turns the conversation back to my 'unscheduled' visit to Master.
"Can you explain why you entered Mr Grey's apartment, again, last night?" Dr Brown asks curiously and I let a nervous giggle escape as I watch his pen hover over his pad, hoping for something interesting or confusing that he can elaborate on.
"I had to talk to him" I answer simply as I shrug and nervously begin to tap my feet on the floor, again.
"About what?"
"I wanted to thank him" I reply smiling as my body begins to sway slightly from side to side, while I make sure to follow the same story that I told Susi "He paid for my art school and I wouldn't have been able to go otherwise" I add quickly but frown as I watch him gently tap his pen against his mouth, clearly finding a flaw in my explanation.
"I see, but then why didn't you simply phone up and request to meet with him instead of breaking into his home"
"I didn't break into his home!" I argue angrily as I move forward slightly in my seat and begin to rock slightly, without noticing it until my eyes narrow slightly when the doctor sitting across from me suddenly scribbles notes onto his pad only pausing to glance up at me.
"Do you do that often?"
"Maybe" I answer automatically and mentally scold myself because I know that jumping and acting defensive isn't going to help my case, I take a deep breath and lower my feet back onto the floor which had began to slide up onto the couch to allow my arms to slip around them and create my cocoon of safety. I can't do that however, not if I want to convince the psychologist that this was a one time, impulsive event.
"It happens when I feel scared or nervous" I admit quietly and blink when Doctor Brown's surprised expression flicks up to meet my own "I guess i've done it ever since I was a little kid" I add quickly as I shrug and giggle nervously before I lean over slightly as he, once again, begins to take notes which are just far enough away to make it impossible to read them.
"Thank you" Doctor Brown says a few moments later as he lays his pen down on his pad and it's my turn to look up at him in surprise and slightly confusion "I appreciate your honesty" Doctor Brown adds with a small smile and I feel my lips turning slightly at the corners to return it, although I still don't fully trust him especially when he flips his pad of paper over onto the left side of his notebook before flicking through paper and different coloured folders until he stops at a green folder, pulls it out and places it on top of the pad of paper which he simply flips back into place "I have a bit of information about your childhood here" I tilt my head as he explains this and nervously begin to twirl a piece of hair around my finger although I doubt that there will be anything of interest because I had a pretty normal childhood.
"Interesting" Doctor Brown mutters quietly and I squirm nervously on the chair as he continues to make other sounds and mutters but nothing to actually indicate his thoughts or feelings about the information in the file. I wish I could just run into the waiting room and hide in the play house that's sitting in the waiting room but I am far too big and I don't want to draw attention to myself especially since I want to get out of here and not end up in a psychiatric hospital for the foreseeable future.
"I see that you've always had a talent for art" Doctor Brown comments and I shrug silently hoping that he doesn't want a long conversation about it because I know that he would only be making small talk to try and get me relaxed, to make me open up about the reason that i'm really here "What were the names of your husband and partner?" I blink at the sudden change in conversation and giggle when I notice that Master tends to do that to, is it just a man thing?
"Matt and Geoff" I answer tentatively "Why?" I question suddenly as I reach down and rub my ankle which is feeling hot and itchy.
"Hmm..."
Oh fuck. I instantly know that i've made a mistake here and nervously pick at invisible threads on the fabric couch while he annoyingly taps his pen on the folder thoughtfully.
"I noticed that you call everyone by their first name except for Mr Grey" Doctor Brown comments and I can feel a blush stain my cheeks as I look away and continue twirling the same lock of hair around my finger while I attempt to come up with an explanation that wouldn't encourage him to ask further questions.
"Do I?" I ask innocently, my mind races as I try to think of a way to get out of this or change the topic of conversation because this would affect Master too.
"Yes, at the start of the appointment, you spoke about-" Doctor Brown pauses as he lifts his pad out from under my file and scans it "Gail, Mr Grey's housekeeper and then you spoke about your husband and your partner, both of whom you spoke about by their first name but yet you do the opposite when you speak about Mr Grey"