While Alex might have been a little fast to declare herself bad at both Beautification and Princess Etiquette, it had to be admitted that she was not a natural.

At all.

Their first lesson of the day had been Beautification. Anemone was late, of course, and the girls were sat in the multi-coloured candy classroom for a good ten minutes before her appearance.

Alex had been eating fudge off the bottom of her desk when the door slammed open in a manner almost worthy of her entrance to Charity 18 the other day, and their teacher swept in.

Anemone swanned down the aisle, resplendent in a sweeping, wide-skirted, electric blue gown (so intense Alex almost felt compelled to squint), which was embroidered with all manner of sequins and beads. Accompanied by lots of sparkly jewellery and an equally bejewelled headdress, she was very shiny in general- all the reflective accessories kept catching the light as she moved. Alex's eyes (and attention) followed the little lights they cast across the classroom- and, as a result, she didn't notice Anemone was speaking until she noticed the matching blue lipstick and clocked that her mouth was moving.

Damn it. Already?

Cursing herself, Alex bounced her leg a little as she tried to pay attention to what their teacher was saying.

"-I am here to empower you all, and teach you to do the same for both yourselves, and each other! My success in this is well-documented- here, you can see all my ex-students, whom I led to self-acceptance and beauty, both inside and out!"

She gestured to one of the candied walls, plastered with portraits of girls, both first year and after graduation.

Alex caught sight of a very familiar face on the wall and doubted how much Anemone had actually had to do with that particular transformation. It was a little surprising that Anemone actually had a more or less realistic portrait of her mother, though- although she'd seen lots of portraits of her parents over the years, most of them were not commissioned by the palace, and, as a result, were what Tedros called "slightly embellished" and what Agatha called "stupid and unrealistic".

Anemone was still talking;

"So, today, we will be starting our year by looking at Kinder Smiles! Your smile is the single most important aspect of beauty- it can make or break a beautiful face!"

Alex thought of her crooked front teeth and frowned.

"So, what I will do, is go around you one by one, whilst you practice with each other! Off we go!"

She descended on a group of girls in the front row, and Alex turned to Nadiya next to her, sighing.

"Well, this is fine, I guess." She admitted as Anemone started shouting about teeth.

Her friend shrugged back.

"Yeah, I suppose it's okay-"

Nadiya stopped and frowned at her.

"Have you been eating the desk?"

"Uh… no."

"Alex, you have fudge in your teeth."

"Oh."

Nadiya snorted as Alex tried her best to pick it out.

"It's okay, I stole a doorknob earlier, it's in my book bag."

"In that case, yeah, I've been scraping it off the bottom of the table all morning."

Nadiya laughed.

Alex dug her nail into the bottom of the desk, trying to glean its thickness.

"I wonder how long we can get away with it before it collapses-"

Nadiya's foot shot out and her heel caught Alex in the shin, just in time to stop her talking.

"Ow-!"

"Hello, dears!"

Anemone swept over to them, still aggressively sparkly, and possibly skipping a few people in her eagerness to reach Alex. If she was expecting something worthy of her mother from Alex, however, then she was going to be sorely disappointed. More than once, Alex had had her smile compared to the Cheshire Cat.

But Alex had already grinned at her, probably on instinct, and Anemone frowned, squinting closely at her.

"Hmm… you have dimples... charming to a degree, but can make you look mischievous rather than welcoming or friendly, especially as they're quite prominent- oh, are your front teeth crooked?"

"Yes." Grumbled Alex, not pleased she'd noticed so soon.

"Hmmm. Do it again, dear."

Feeling a bit stupid, Alex obliged, and Anemone leaned back, this time, eyes narrowed. Alex wondered if she was going to get failed on day one for throwing up on the nurse taking a mould of her teeth, and subsequently not getting braces.

Looking at Anemone's face, it was a distinct possibility-

Then her teacher shrugged, just about satisfied.

"It's very crooked, dear- both your mouth and your teeth- and you look a bit too much like your father when you do it, it's too masculine. And your eyes squint unevenly. Oh, and it's a little wide. But it works. Just about."

"Oh." Alex dropped the smile, a little hurt. When she was little, she'd always been proud when people had told her she looked like her dad when she smiled. To hear Anemone dismiss it as a negative was a little discouraging. "Um… okay."

"Don't worry, dear, some of us aren't natural at… um…" Anemone hesitated.

"Being pretty?" offered Alex bluntly. Her teacher blinked.

"Well, no, just… well, not natural beauties."

"That's what I said, in different words."

Anemone ignored her last comment and patted her hand.

"Keep practising, dear."

"Gee, thanks." Mumbled Alex, as Anemone sailed off to inspect an uncomfortable Nadiya-

Who looked even more awkward when Anemone pronounced her smile "radiant" and immediately departed for the next table with no criticisms.

Alex anticipated a rank that was more or less a big fat 20.

In the end, she got an 18, but Alex was convinced as they left the candy classrooms for Princess Etiquette that it had been pity on Anemone's part.

Nadiya had gotten a 1, obviously.

"I think she was really unfair." Nadiya declared the second they left the classroom. "You shouldn't put people down for their smile! That's what you do when you're happy!"

Alex made a non-committal noise. Nadiya bumped her shoulder with hers.

"Hey, your smile isn't bad. I think it's charming."

"Unfortunately, you're not the one giving out the marks."

"Oh, come on, Alex. Just because you don't look like an oil painting when you smile doesn't mean you look bad, it's just her idea of what looks good."

Alex nodded vaguely.

"I guess so." And then, the thought that had been nagging her: "I bet Ros would have aced that."

"Your sister?" asked Nadiya. "Rosalind?"

"Yeah. Anemone would love her, I bet."

"Aw. Well, don't compare yourself to your siblings. It won't help."

Alex peered at her, frowning.

"You sound like Merlin. How'd you get so wise?"

Nadiya rolled her eyes.

"I'm just sensible, Alex."

"Uh, and I'm not?"

"Um, well…"

Alex pointed at her, grinning.

"I'll have you know I am the most sensible person ever! No one will ever be more level-headed than I, Sensible Alex, who has all the impulse control in the world! Haven't you seen all the articles the Royal Rot print about my well thought out decisions and carefully worded speeches?" she prodded her in the side, making Nadiya yelp and bat her away. "Huh? Don't you read the tabloid stories about Sensible Alex? Don't ya?"

"No, no, stop it, I'm ticklish!" Nadiya was laughing so hard she was snorting now. "I will confess I have never read a tabloid story about Sensible Alex!"

"Shame on you!"

"Have you?"

"How dare you insinuate I read such trash!"

"Then how do you know about them-!?"

They continued in a similar fashion all the way to Princess Etiquette.

Half an hour into the lesson, they were no longer laughing, and Alex had gone back to moping about how Rosalind would have been so much better at this.

Pollux had wobbled in on the body of a flatulent camel, which had not made for a great start. Then he had announced the unit entitled "The Science of Utensils", and it had gone from bad to worse as he'd unveiled a table and called them up one by one to name the multiple forks and spoons, and what they were used for.

Alex had been hopeful. She actually knew this- she'd been to enough fancy dinner parties to learn everything, even if her father had had to stop her absent-mindedly drinking champagne from his glass a couple of times.

After Chrissy, Kia, and Nadiya were all berated for not knowing what a lobster pick was ("how could you not?" lamented Pollux), it was Alex's turn.

She was slightly offended by the unconvinced look Pollux gave her as she stepped up and peered at the setting, but thankfully she recognised everything laid out before her. Relieved, she cleared her throat and pointed to the first item.

"Okay, um… place card-"

"Any fool could tell me that was a place card!" scoffed Pollux.

"So why did you put it there for us to name it?" demanded Alex.

Pollux glared at her and stabbed a camel hoof at the middle wine glass.

"What is that?"

Alex glared back.

"The red wine glass."

Pollux looked a little surprised but moved swiftly onto the next utensil.

"That?"

"Cake fork."

"That?"

"Meat knife."

"That?"

"There's nothing there-"Alex noticed Pollux's smug expression and changed course, realising what he was trying to do. "- but after dessert, that's where they put the cup and saucer."

Pollux's smug expression disappeared, and his hooves stabbed faster, so Alex talked faster.

"Champagne flute, fish knife, soup spoon, water glass, bread plate, dessert spoon- we've had that, that's the meat knife- dinner fork- can we stop?- dinner knife, napkin- wouldn't any fool know what that was, as well? Oh, we've run out. Bam!"

She'd finally gotten something completely right! Alex slammed her hands onto the table, beaming-

And promptly catapulted and cracked the bread plate, smacking herself in the face with the butter knife, which then fell back to the table, smashed the white wine glass, and chipped a huge chunk off the salad plate.

From behind them, Nadiya and several other girls groaned in sympathy.

Cursing, Alex hauled herself back upright-

And came face to face with a completely livid Pollux.

Their teacher inhaled deeply.

Alex noticed her face was stinging, and wondered if she was bleeding. She looked down at her shirt and realised she was a little bit-

The camel body emitted a thunderous fart at the same moment that a muddy rank 20 exploded over her head, and Pollux started shrieking;

"NEVER HAS MY CLASSROOM BEEN IN SUCH SHAMBLES!"

Alex sulked in the corner for the rest of the lesson.

Nadiya had tried to argue for her- saying that she'd completed the challenge the best out of all of them, and Pollux had never said anything about breaking the utensils, only naming them correctly. Also, it was clearly an accident.

Naturally, Pollux had ignored her, claiming that it was basically rule number one that "a princess does not break things, especially not whilst gloating like a Never!"

So now the two of them sat in disgruntled silence in the corner of the room as the rest of the girls mixed up the salad fork and the dinner fork but did not receive the label of a shambles, even when Marcy panicked and mixed up a knife and a spoon.

Alex pressed Nadiya's handkerchief a little harder into her scratched cheek, glowering. Nadiya didn't seem to have much positive to say, unlike earlier. She just patted her back and watched Pollux shout at their classmates, apparently having not recovered from his Alex- induced bad mood. Lots of people got those, Alex found.

She gazed glumly across at the others, bouncing her leg.

"You know, in any other circumstance, on any other day, I'd have found a farting camel really funny."

"I'm sure we'll appreciate it later on."

"Like… in five years. If I haven't failed and been turned into a cactus by then."

Nadiya frowned.

"Well… let's think positive. What are you good at?"

"I was good at naming fancy dinner party utensils." Muttered Alex.

"No, generally."

"Uh… I dunno." Alex scuffed her boot on the floor, folding and unfolding Nadiya's bloody handkerchief absently. What was she good at?

"Does hitting stuff count? I'm decent with a sword and spear and stuff."

"I'd say it does. Look what we've got next."

Nadiya smiled and held out their timetable to her. Alex peered at the little black letters, curious-

Lesson 3: Weapons Training: Professor Espada

Alex bolted up, all gloominess from her recent predicament suddenly forgotten.

"Weapons Training? A whole lesson?"

"You didn't read your timetable, did you?" sighed Nadiya, but Alex was barely listening.

"That'll be great! Do you think they have the Maidenvale broadswords that their knights use? Like that massive one that Sir Meredith has? She's awesome, that'd be so cool to try out- you ever seen them?"

"Um… no." admitted Nadiya.

"Aw, they're sick! My dad told me about them, they're super lightweight, built with Gillikin fairy steel, but double-edged and you can take a bloke's head off in like, one swing if you're good enough- and she is, definitely, Sir Meredith is so cool. I met her once and nearly passed out, Dad had to hold me up and pass it off as a head cold. Actually, speaking of Dad, those swords are waaay better than Excalibur, Dad should upgrade it to be like that, honestly. It's an old rust bucket, is Excalibur."

Nadiya blinked in surprise, but whether it was at her excited description of the broadswords or her dismissal of the most famous sword in the woods as an old rust bucket, Alex wasn't sure.

"Wow. That's pretty scary."

Alex beamed.

"I know, right? This'll be awesome, I really want to use their spears as well-"

She was interrupted as the wolves howled to mark the end of the lesson, and Alex leapt up, completely transformed from that morning, and ignored Pollux's disdainful stare.

"Yes! Let's go!"