Lord Voldemort's Other Diary…
September 2nd 1995
Woke up at 6am. Had breakfast with Peter and a few other followers. Read papers until half nine. Did some shopping at local shops. Went to Post Office to post off my subscription to Big n Bouncy. Came home and did some cleaning while listening to some Queen. Peter, Lucius, Antonin and the boys came round for the weekly poker session until half eight.
September 14th 1995
Up early this morning at half five, made sandwiches for picnic and took the broom out for my long delayed walking holiday. Met a nice muggle couple who asked if I was a muggle actor by the name of Ralph Fiennes. Had to say that I wasn't. Day spoilt by some of my Death Eaters killing them later. Came straight back home and grounded them all for a week.
September 22nd 1995
I hope Hermione Granger got her birthday present. I haven't heard from her, but I assume it's the owl getting lost again – this tends to happen. Made note to ask the Owl Office about this in morning.
October 2nd 1995
Placed order with Leaky Cauldron about a number of crates to be delivered for annual Halloween party. Will have to pay by cash… seems cheques are no longer taken in magical world.
November 25th 1995
Looked under the robes of my Death Eaters, and found hundreds of dark marks. I banished them to their rooms to change into clan underwear and to wash their arses more often.
"We sooooooooooooooooo have to publish this" Hermione said.
"Oh, but of course" Harry replied.