*KIND REMINDER: English isn't my language*

I know that my fic doesn't have the thousands and thousands of readers and hundreds and hundreds of reviewers that usually has a Calzona or Merder fic. But I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of the people who pass by here to read these words that I write so fondly, maybe this is not the best fic, maybe out there are other better fics than this one but know that what I do this with a lot of affection because I know that there is someone who reads me, even if they let me review or not.

Knowing that there is people who read my work and read the words of my faithful reviewers (you know who you are) fill my heart with joy.

So thank you very much to all!

Enjoy!

Be There

I lost everything, I threw myself in and you took me when no one was there. Well you can take what you need, take the air that I breathe and I'll give away all that I own. Whatever I lose is put back by you in a way that you'll never know… 'Cause I can't be without you, I'll be there when you need me most, I'll be there if you're ever alone, together we can grow old, I can't leave you…

All day Teddy was waiting for Owen's arrival or at least his call but he never gave a signal, when it was time to go to work she heard that someone opened the door of the house and then steps in the hall, heavy steps, slow, dragged, tired steps. Going to the kitchen she found Owen sitting on a stool by the kitchen counter eating from some boxes of what was apparently Chinese food while checking something on his iPad.

"Hey". Teddy greeted sweetly, leaning on the threshold of the kitchen. Owen just looked up at her nodding faintly and turning his attention to whatever he was seeing on his iPad. "My shift is about to begin. Is there anything you need?" She asked cautiously. Owen looked at her again and let out an ironic snort. Without saying a word he took his food, his iPad and left the kitchen without saying a word to Teddy closing the door of the bedroom with a loud bang making her jump.

Teddy could feel the huge knot forming in her throat and the itch in her eyes from the tears that wanted to come out but she just couldn't make them fall, it was as if something was stopping her, no matter how hard she tried she couldn't cry, she couldn't scream, she couldn't say everything that was going on inside her and that was killing her, "Maybe this will be my end", she thought. She always thought that 'dying of sadness' was nothing more than a phrase made to give some drama to cheesy romantic movies, but it was what she was feeling right now, she felt dying, she felt that if she didn't get all this that was burning and filling her insides it wouldn't take long until eventually her body would die with everything that was suffocating her.

All that night and the next day it was hell, Arizona didn't speak to her and neither April, so she had no choice but to lock herself in an on-call room waiting to be needed, taking naps that were always interrupted with the painful image of sheets covered in blood, or the most heartbreaking of all, the image of Owen happily playing with a beautiful girl, sometimes she dreamed her redhead, sometimes blonde, but always beautiful, both ran through a huge garden chasing each other while she lay sitting under a tree, looking at the loves of her life. That was the worst nightmare of all, it always made her wake up sweating, trembling and with her heart in her throat, this time was no exception, when she abruptly woke up from that nightmare in the darkness of the room she could notice that someone else was there.

Arizona.

She was kneeling in front of the bed, calling her by her name. "Teddy, Teddy, honey wake up".

Teddy sat up abruptly on the bed, still disoriented and groggy. "My little girl, where is my girl?" Arizona's heart sank.

"Honey, you were dreaming".

"No, no, no, where is she? She, she, she was here, we... we were playing and she..."

"TEDDY, WAKE UP!" Arizona shouted louder than she would have liked, it was clearly that Teddy was confused, but not only that, her situation was getting worse she no longer distinguished fantasy from reality and that did scared Arizona.

Shaking a little at Arizona's shout Teddy began to analyze her surroundings, everything was dark, lit only by the dim light that filtered through the blind curtains then she looked at Arizona straight in the eyes with her lifeless gaze and let out from the depths of her being, like a river overflowing after the storm, the most heartbreaking and animal scream that Arizona had ever heard in her life, immediately she sat next to Teddy on the bed wrapping her in her arms and hugging her tightly.

"Cry baby, cry all you want, I got you". Arizona tried to comfort her, but Teddy didn't cry.

After several minutes only her incoherent mumbles could be heard. Arizona took Teddy by the hand, lifted her out of bed and they left the room. "I'll take you home honey; you can't stay here in this condition".

Teddy didn't say anything she just looked at her with a tired and empty look, the look of a person who had lost everything. As if she were a doll to which she could move at will Arizona took Teddy through the hospital until they came to the parking lot, she got her in the car and headed home, all the way Teddy didn't cry, screamed again or say a word.

When they came home there was no one there, strange since Owen was supposed to be there. So she took the liberty of rummaging through Teddy's purse for her keys, opened the door, took her to her bedroom and laid her on the bed, tucking her in.

Just as Arizona settled in next to her, her pager went off. "Dammit". She didn't want to leave Teddy alone at home, she wanted at least to wait for Owen but her presence was necessary at the hospital. With no other option she sent Owen a message letting him know that she had taken Teddy home and headed back to the hospital.

Just as she was on her way she got Owen's call.

"Arizona, I received your message".

"Sorry I can't stay with her to wait for you. Where are you?"

"I went out to buy some things but tell me, what happened? Why did you take Teddy home? Her shift isn't over yet".

"Oh Owen, she... I don't know how tell you this through the phone, but go home as soon as you can, she needs you".

"Ok, and thanks Arizona".

Hanging up the phone Owen still stayed a few minutes inside the truck, 'She needs you'. 'And I need her', he thought, in the end he had no choice but to go home. When he arrived there he found Teddy's handbag on the sofa but all the lights in the house, except the one in the hall, were off and there wasn't any noise. Peeking into their bedroom he found Teddy asleep clinging tightly to his pillow, her face buried in it, still dressed in her blue scrubs, her sneakers still on and her white lab coat hanging on the armchair by the window. Carefully he removed her sneakers, gave her a soft kiss on the temple and left the room, it was best to let her rest.

Hours later, as always since that night, Teddy awoke with a start, another nightmare. Looking around she realized that she was in her bedroom and she was still wearing her scrubs, but how was that possible? The last thing she remembered was falling asleep in an on-call room, she didn't remember leaving the hospital or have come home; getting out of the bed she went to the bathroom, she needed at least to splash her face with water but what she wanted most was a long hot shower.

Teddy stood in front of the mirror looking intently at what the reflection showed her, a woman's shell, empty, expressionless. She remembered doing this before. "I am a widow". When she lost her parents she became an orphan, when she lost Henry she became a widow. "I am a widow". But now? How are you supposed to call a woman who has lost her child? So many years, so many philosophers and writers but none had been able to create a single word to define the horror of a mother who lost a child, that inexplicable feeling that scratched your insides and squeezed every drop of happiness inside you until leave you empty, that feeling, that nameless status.

She clung with all her strength to the edge of the sink until her knuckles turned completely white, she gritted her teeth and her body trembled with anger, she was furious, furious with life for take away everything she loved from the day she came to this world, her family, her love and now her child; furious with Owen for encouraging her to do this, for judging her way of mourning, but above all furious with hersel for clinging with nails and teeth to the idea of being a mother, furious with her stupidity. How could she have thought that this time life would let her be completely happy?

Teddy could remember the countless funeral processions she attended, mostly friends killed in action, and she could remember their broken families crying bitterly, but their mothers, their mothers were there, standing, all in black, stoic and with a discreet cry. How could they? She wondered. Then she remembered a conversation she had with one of those mothers. "How do you do it? How do you cope with all this without want to die trying?" She had asked and the answer still resonated in her head even after so many years. "You don't do it, you want to but you don't die you just go on and even though you're dying inside you must go on, it's a deep pain but you don't die dear, believe me you don't die". Bullshits! In these moments that was what she wanted, at least they had a grave to cry on, on which to say 'Here rests my beloved child' but she, her poor baby of only 13 weeks to whom she never had the happiness of feel move inside her or much less feel her tiny warm body against her chest and inhale her sweet baby smell, that part of her and Owen that was too small to be considered a corpse and that its grave was a red bag in some biological waste container where it was destroyed along with other waste of human parts.

Letting out a loud scream within her insides, clenching her fists she began to hit the mirror in front of her with all her strength, hitting, crying and screaming, pouring all her anger and frustration on the mirror.

"AAAAAH! WHY? WHY? WHY?"

Owen was in the living room working on his plan of action for a major surgery he would have soon when he suddenly heard the sound of a heartbreaking scream and broken glass coming from the bathroom. Teddy. Immediately he ran to the place and when he opened the door he found her now hitting the base without a mirror, the sharp pieces lay in the sink, through her hands and forearms ran thin threads of blood and through her eyes the tears that during all these weeks she had pent up.

Although for a few seconds the shock of seeing her in that state didn't let him react, her screams managed to do so and he took her tightly in his arms while she shifted trying to get away from him.

"LET GO, LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD! THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, ISN'T IT? SEE ME SHATTERED, SEE ME BROKEN, WELL, HERE YOU HAVE IT!" Teddy screamed as she fought and buried her fingernails in Owen's arms to release her.

Owen didn't say anything, just tried to silence her with soft whispers while caressing her hair and letting his own tears fall freely down his face. "Ssssh, sssh I got you, I got you".

"Let me go, let me go... please!" This time her voice was no longer angry, but pleading until her words went silent and there was only the cry of a mother who had lost her child and who until now hadn't shed a single tear.

The sharp cries that came from Teddy's insides were like daggers digging into Owen's heart, it was like listening to a small and helpless animal wounded to death. So the two remained for a long time crying hugged on the floor of the bathroom, the tears of both mixed with the blood that emanated from Teddy's hands and created a thin river of blood that stained their clothes.

Soon Teddy's cries became little hiccups and sighs. "I am sorry". Owen mumbled, kissing her head hard. "I am so sorry." Teddy didn't answer, just remained leaning against his chest. Slowly Owen lifted her off the floor, sat her on the toilet lid and began to clean the wounds on her hands, she didn't show any sign of pain or discomfort at Owen's healings she was just sitting there, motionless, silent, it was as if her soul had left her body, her eyes looked empty, catatonic. Her gaze terrified Owen, it was a look he knew perfectly, it was the look of defeat, of exhaustion, of loss, of grief, the look of a person who no longer had reasons to continue living, the look of a person who had given up, was the look that for many years greeted him when he looked in the mirror.

Once he managed clean her wounds and bandage her hands, he took off her bloody scrubs and change them for a soft cotton pajama, took her to the bed and laid her down. Teddy had stopped crying, her breathing was serene and steady but her gaze was still lost, looking at nothing, lost in her mind, in her memories, Owen feared he couldn't get her out of that foggy place where she was trapped. Her mind. After tucking her in he gave her a clonazepam tablet that she took without resistance. As the minutes passed the medication gradually took effect until her eyelids became heavier and heavier and eventually she fell sound asleep.

After giving her a kiss on the head Owen left the bedroom and went to the living room, taking the fullest bottle of whiskey from the mini bar he lay down in the sofa and while he was crying he drank and drowned the pain and grief of the last days in alcohol.

The next morning when Teddy woke up he found Owen asleep on his stomach and an empty bottle of whiskey at his side, when she tried to shake him to wake him up she noticed that her hands were bandaged but she didn't know why, to tell the truth she didn't remember how she had got here, she had vague images; she, Arizona, Owen, she crying, Owen crying and blood but she couldn't place if it had been a dream or reality, lately her head played tricks on her all the time and each time it was harder to distinguish the games from her blurred mind and reality.

"Owen, Owen". Teddy said to Owen while shaking him gently to wake him up.

When Owen woke up he could swear he felt his head was about to explode, it wasn't until he met Teddy's green eyes that he managed to wake up completely and get more or less alert despite the throbbing headache.

"You fell asleep in your clothes and... you were drinking last night". Teddy said taking the empty bottle and lifting it in front of his face.

Owen got out of bed slowly, the effect of alcohol still not diminishing so he couldn't help but swing a little while his head was spinning. "Well, everyone deals with grief as best as they can, that's your philosophy, isn't it? Last night you lashed out against the mirror and I with a bottle of whiskey". And with that Owen locked himself in the bathroom where there was still the disaster of sharp mirror pieces in the sink and the drops of blood now dry on the floor. He stood for a moment looking at the mess in front of him when Teddy came into the bathroom, letting out a shocked sigh and covering her mouth with her bandaged hand.

"Owen, what happened? I... I did all this?" Teddy asked with panic in her voice.

Owen looked at her confused. "Do you really not remember what happened?"

Teddy shook her head. "I don't remember anything, I don't remember coming home or how I got here, I don't remember how I did this." She said raising her hands and her voice was beginning to break. "I don't remember anything Owen and that... that terrifies me".

Just when Owen was about to say something the doorbell interrupted them, he left hurry to open the door, Teddy behind him.

When Owen opened the door a short, chubby man was on the other side.

"Good morning Mr. Hunt, we've come to deliver the wood that you ordered a few weeks ago, the best walnut wood in all Seattle, the crib will be beautiful sir".

The wood, Owen had made an order of the finest walnut wood they could find and get it delivered to their house; his plan was that in the remaining months until the birth of the baby he would build the crib from scratch. How could he have been so stupid and forget to cancel the order? Although to tell the truth among all the things that were happening the last thing he could think about was a bunch of wooden. Owen stood in the doorway watching the man with a grim expression on his face.

"Sir? We just need you to sign the delivery order; my men are already leaving the wood in the driveway." After putting a scrawl on the paper sheet that brought the little man he closed the door and turned to Teddy who looked at him with a strange mixture of betrayal and sadness in her eyes.

"I-I... I forgot to cancel the order I..."

"You wanted to build a crib... a crib for our baby." Teddy said trying to contain the crying. Owen only nodded weakly. Finally Teddy burst into tears and fell on her knees on the floor. "It was my fault, it was my fault, I'm so sorry!"

In seconds Owen was on his knees next to her. "That wasn't your fault, please don't say that again".

When she finally dared to look at him she cupped his face in her trembling hands and fixed her gaze on his. "It was my fault, Owen. I'm so sorry." She was crying, she hugged him tightly, taking him by the shirt with her fists clenched, clinging to him.

This time Owen took her face in his hands. "It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault".

"It was… it was mine".

He could only shake his head, his lips tensed in a line with all the emotions he was holding inside. "No, it wasn't, stop saying that!" He answered between clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She kept saying it over and over again. Then all the emotions were broken. She no longer apologized for the baby, but for what happened afterwards and so they both collapsed, all the pent up emotions of the last weeks came up like a powerful thunder, like the loud thunder that started all that bloody night.

And it was like that, on the floor, on their knees with the faces of both drenched in tears, in the privacy of their little home, where both finally after weeks of silence spoke about their grief, their lost dreams and the nightmares that hunted them every night, the crushing weight of pain, the sadness, the hopes, the shattered plans. Through tears and countless words that finally flowed like clear water they asked for forgiveness, they shared with each other all the pain that they had been suffering and that until a few moments ago remained confined in the deepest recesses of their hearts.

Neither of them had any idea how much time they spent on the floor of the living room, crying, talking, apologizing and forgiving each other until they realized that the room was beginning to look less clear and more orange with the sunset. Both remained embraced, holding close and tight, comforting themselves in the heat that exuded their bodies and the feeling of their skins against the other, it was as if the closer they were, the tighter their arms were around each other, the shadow of despair and grief will disappear more and more.

Owen got up from the floor with Teddy in his arms and went to their bedroom, laying her on the bed hugging her from behind, pressing her back against his chest tightly.

"Tomorrow I will get rid of that wood". Owen said and Teddy could hear an undertone of anger in his voice.

Turning in his arms facing him she looked into his eyes. "No, don't do it". She answered and Owen looked at her puzzled. "This was meant to be".

This only made his confusion grow even more. Then, without saying anything else Teddy sat on the bed leaning her back against the headboard; Owen laid his head on her lap while she played with his hair.

"After my father died I was sent to a foster home with a Roman Catholic family, they had this idea that everything that happened was part of a bigger plan…God's plan".

"What kind of God would be so cruel to make us suffer in this way? What kind of God would include in his plans to take away a helpless baby, a child we longed and expected for?" Owen said and Teddy could tell that he was upset.

Owen wasn't a religious man, he was a man of science, he was based on facts not on supernatural or religious theories, so all this "God's Plan" seemed meaningless to him, in his head he couldn't understand how some entity divine and out of this world had a word in the life of the human being and determined punishments just to teach a lesson.

"Believe me, we will soon know why... according to the ideas of this family God doesn't make us suffer so much without a purpose... you know that like you I am not a woman of faith but right now Owen, at this moment I want hold on to anything that helps me understand or at least assimilate what happened".

From that point Teddy was right, he also wanted to hold on to something to understand and cope with all this, in his case, that someone would be Teddy and if she said that everything was part of a bigger plan surely it was. "And what purpose would that be? For what purpose would that God make us suffer so much?" Owen asked.

"To bring us closer, make us stronger and I don't know, maybe prepare us for something bigger, for a bigger gift, for His greatest blessing".

A bigger gift. That stayed spinning in Owen's head, maybe she was right and whether it was God, destiny or just life had something prepared for them in the future, maybe it was just a matter of time, of wait for that "Bigger plan", that lesson, that gift, that blessing. His bigger blessing.

Song: Be There - Seafret

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