Chapter 14 – The Ratman
Josh had almost immediately died after his fall, and had been taken by Trixie to the Medical Wing of the Enrichment Center after being put in a Vita-Chamber to revive him. Plenty of technology was present here as well, and this was being used to full effect. Trixie didn't know how to use half of the stuff, but her body did, and applied syringes to veins and pills to mouth with mechanical precision. Trixie herself, however, was incredibly frustrated. Not only was there the only recently reincarnated and still badly injured Josh to deal with, they also had a sobbing Gilda the griffin who refused to leave, and war with the griffin nation itself. Celestia, in between delegating and planning for the upcoming war, had come in to try to work magic to make Josh heal, but the same something that had caused his apparent magic to work was preventing hers: The most powerful magical user in Equestria could not use a single spell in his presence. She didn't understand it, Trixie didn't understand it, Twilight didn't understand it.
Josh himself was meditating. He knew perfectly well where he was, his current condition, and that he had started the first war in centuries on this planet. He didn't feel angry or scared, however. He was too confused at what had happened to him. He had sprouted wings of steel, grown Aerial Faith Plates out of his shoes, punched through a warship. None of this made any scientific sense, and as a scientist, Josh was obligated to find the source of this power. So now, he was journeying through his conscious and subconscious to see what made it tick. So far, he had found nothing. Then, something. A sensation on both of his shoulders. Josh didn't know what it was, but he concentrated on it. Then, feeling a tingling similar to what he had felt when he had used 'magic' the first time, he concentrated some more. Finally, he thought of something to test if this was it: He would levitate himself above the bed. As soon as he finished thinking this, he immediately did it.
Josh opened his eyes to find himself levitating, and snapped out of his concentration, crashing to the floor. Celestia was in front of him, about to say something, when he looked at her. She noticed his eyes were the same black as before. "Are you okay?" She asked, concerned for the human who had just come out of a coma. "Yeah, fine," Josh said, panting. "I… I think I just used… magic…" he continued. Celestia's eyes widened. "That's impossible! All our records say humans cannot use magic!" Josh looked at her, and regained his breath. "First, what the heck are these things on my shoulder? They're the Aperture logo, but I never got a tattoo there. Second, let's see those records. Third, how did you come across that box?"
Celestia thought back. "Well, I'll answer these in order. One, they're Cutie Marks. In pony culture, they determine what your special talent is, and how it affects your place in the world. Two, they were based on careful observation of the only other human to ever come here, albeit briefly, which leads to three; said human, a male by the name of Doug Rattman gave it to me. He was the only human ever to be on Equestria before you." At the name of his coworker, Josh bolted up, and laid back down, grimacing in pain. Celestia looked at him. "You know this man?" Josh breathlessly nodded, unable to speak due to his back giving him one hell of a complaint. "Come with me," he said, getting up and stubbornly walking out the door, wrapping a labcoat around his hospital jacket. "I've something to show you."
Josh hurriedly walked to the employee wing, where he was stopped by Trixie. "What are you doing? You're not nearly well enough to be up and about," she said, then turned to look at Celestia. "Is this because of you?" Trixie inquired angrily. Celestia glared at her. She wasn't going to take that from a citizen of Equestria, but to her surprise, Trixie glared back with an equal level of ferocity. "Josh was to show me something." Celestia finally answered. "It's fairly important," Josh added. "Like, how important?" Trixie responded. "Er… reason-why-I-came-here-in-the-first-place important," Josh answered. Trixie, wide-eyed, stood aside. Josh walked down the hall until he came to the only other door with a placard on it (Trixie's had a simple paper sign until they found some brass). Celestia looked at it. "Doug Rattman…" she said. Then she stared at Josh. "You know this man?" Josh nodded. "He's my coworker. I didn't know he'd been to Equestria before…" Celestia motioned to open the door, and Josh nodded.
They peeked inside to find it in exactly the same state as before, messy and stocked with mountains of Ziaprazidone schizophrenia pills. "What are these?" Celestia asked, picking a jar up with magic and peering at the small white capsules inside. "Pills," Josh answered. "They're filled with a powder or granules made to cure all sorts of things. Doug had schizophrenia, and these pills take care of that." Celestia stared at it. "So, if you swallow these, you can cure a disease?" Josh shrugged. "You can cure a lot of things. It's all just body chemistry, really." Celestia looked around at the rest of the room, with Trixie staring inside from the door.
"So, apart from yet another amazing thing that could help all Equestria, is there anything special about this room?" Celestia dryly asked. Josh tensely looked around. "Well, this is where I hid your gift up until now. It said it was to be read with you present, as you are the ruler of Equestria, and this pertains directly to Equestria, and indeed this planet's future." Celestia nodded, and finding the box, levitated it over to Josh, who said "Open", and the box opened slowly. Josh picked out the second piece of paper, while Celestia motioned for Trixie to leave. "Oh come on, I'm an employee too," Trixie whined. Josh looked up, and sadly said "Go on, Trixie. This isn't for any…pony to know but me and her." Trixie dejectedly went to her bed.
"Hello, Aperture Science Employee Number 187727," Josh began. Celestia stared. "That many employees?" Josh nodded. "More, really." He took a deep breath, and continued. "If you're reading this, and haven't died yet from a pony-related accident, congratulations! (Celestia smirked at this.) Anyway, now that you're in Equestria, we have some important news: One, one of my scientists peered into the future just the other day, and discovered that Caroline, or GLaDOS as you might know her, has taken over Aperture, killing all employees." Josh swallowed in horror at rereading the terrible news, and Celestia simply couldn't think of killing nearly twenty thousand people. It was unimaginably large to her. But what was GLaDOS? She noticed Josh was getting ready to continue, and quickly listened. "Now, this is probably not much of a shock, she was gonna kill you anyway. But it had to be done, you understand. What also had to be done was sending you to Equestria in the first place, so Equestria can make it out of this hell alive." Josh's eyes narrowed. "Now, you might be asking yourself: Cave, what's with all this future and killing and stuff? Why should I be doing anything for some magical talking ponies at all? Well, I'll tell ya. Right around when every employee was killed, Black Mesa triggered a Resonance Cascade over in their building, the dumb idiots." Josh winced, but Celestia was confused. What was a Resonance Cascade? Josh looked at her. "Trust me, it's bad," he responded to the unspoken question.
"So, the Earth is now essentially in an apocalypse. Nice going, Black Mesa. Anyway, what Equestria has to do with all this is as follows, and if that white pony with the wings and horn is listening, listen good, because you are about to get more shocked then I did when I read my first budget report for Aperture," Josh chuckled, quickly becoming serious again. "Due to string theory, the entire universe you ponies live in is nothing more than a children's show of Josh's time." Celestia was about to faint at this point, although a thousand years of not showing emotion hid it well. Children's show? She guessed children was an Earth term for fillies. "And because the Earth is in a state of apocalypse, it can no longer produce episodes of the show. The lab boys informed me that you have about a week before the entire universe implodes on itself, along with the respective universes of all other television shows, so get cracking on a portal back to Earth! Also, don't ask about GLaDOS, Equestria's ruler. It's better you don't know," Josh concluded. "Cave Johnson, we're done here," he read, seeing Cave's customary messy signature. Celestia picked this time to faint. Josh looked over at her, panicked, and muttered something under his breath about "overdramatic alicorns." He tapped into the mainframe, and a robotic arm carried Celestia to a bed. Luna came rushing in, worried. "Is Celestia okay?" she said. Josh looked at her, and shrugged. "You're a princess, right?" he asked. Luna nodded.
"Well, I imagine you would take it like her if you found out your entire universe was a lie." Luna didn't know what to say, then decided to say nothing at all. "We need her awake to raise the sun," she urged. Josh sighed. "Fine, but this won't be pleasant," he said, and motioned for a mild taser to Celestia's back. She woke with a jolt. "Sorry about the pain," Josh said conversationally. "Luna needed you awake for something." Celestia regained her wits, and flew off with Luna, saying "I need to take this all in for a bit. Can you work on the portal that man mentioned?" Josh nodded, and saluted. He was holding two parts needed to make a larger part for the portal to Earth, but no one noticed as his shoulder slightly glowed and they snapped together.