Hello, my dears :) Due to my crazy real life, it's been some time since this story has seen an update... Yes, I know, shamefully overdue! :( I appreciate your continued interest in this story more than I can say. I am rather attached to it and hope I can do it justice with the route it's now taking. Hang on tight my friends, it may be a bumpy road ahead. Mona xoxo

Charles grabbed Elsie at her waist and lifted her down from the table. His large hands nearly wrapping around her waist, she felt so small in his arms. Her hands rested on his solid chest, stroking it slightly as she stared up into his eyes. "And you know that I love you more than words can say, my man. However... I cannot believe we just did that." Her eyes widened in shock and she grabbed his hand, pulling him quickly towards his pantry. Charles let her usher him towards his pantry, tugging him in before shutting the door behind them. She leaned against the solid wood door and he watched as she bent over, her hands covering her face and her shoulders beginning to shake. Charles was immediately shamed and felt his heart sink into his stomach. He sunk down into his chair and began rubbing his hand over his face. How could he have done this? He stood and went to her. Afraid to touch her as she cried.

He panicked and his words came pouring from him. "Elsie. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry love. I don't know what came over me. I acted like an rogue...an animal. You just don't know the effect you have over me. You're all I think about. I can think of nothing but you... How you feel. How you taste. I cannot help..." He stopped as Elsie threw her arms around him and he could see her face. She was laughing. She was holding back terribly adorable giggles and snorts. Her hands had been covering her face to keep her laughter in. "What? Why? I thought...oh Els.." But he was silenced by her kiss.

"Oh Charles. We were so reckless." She snorted loudly and Charles couldn't help but laugh with her. Her laughter rolled through him, and soon tears were falling from both their eyes as they tried to catch their breaths. She kissed him playfully and pulled him toward his chair. Sitting him down and curling onto his lap, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. She tucked her face into his neck and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. "What's happening to us Charles? This is the complete opposite of who we have always been."

"Elsie. What we have now. This." He held her tighter and kissed her lips. "This is what I've always wanted with you. What I always held back. For years, Elsie. Long years of burying and hiding, pushing you away." He bent his head down, quiet and full of regret. "I'm so sorry, love. I've made so many mistakes."

Elsie cupped his cheek and brought his face up to look at her. "We both have, Charles. You are not alone in fault." She kissed his lips tenderly. "But let us not dwell on our regrets or what ifs, for I believe there is something very important you should be telling me."

Charles stiffened. He knew she wanted to know what Lord and Lady Grantham had said about their impending marriage. How was he to tell her that he did not ask? That he did not inform them of his wishes? There were many times during the day that he had Lord Grantham to himself. However he could not form the necessary words. He wanted Elsie as his wife more than anything, he just could not bring himself to discuss it with the family just yet. Heavens, he could hardly be in the same room with them and not blush when thinking of Elsie. How would he ever manage to speak the words to them? He was sick when he saw the sorrow in her eyes. He hoped she would understand.

Elsie felt his back straighten. He was stealing himself for something. She prayed the family had been kind to him. That they supported their decision. "Charles, what's wrong? Did it not go well with Lord Grantham?" Elsie asked quietly, her voice full of worry and compassion.

Charles tried to pull himself together. He hoped she wouldn't be hurt or upset with him. "Actually... I... Well...you see...I was... I haven't said anything to him just yet."

Elsie pulled back from him as if he had slapped her. Her mind was racing. "I see." She said calmly and evenly.

Charles knew she was upset. He immediately went on the defense. "What exactly do you see?" He said more harshly than he intended.

Elsie abruptly left his lap and stood facing away from him. Her chest was tightening and she felt as if the air had been taken from her lungs. Please don't let him do this, she prayed. Please. "Why, Charles?" She asked. "Did you not have a moment alone? Was lord Grantham out of the house today?" She would give him the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain.

Charles ran his hand through his silver hair. His frustrations were rising. "Elsie you don't understand. I...I just couldn't find the right words. This is difficult for me." Charles voice had turned loud and gruff as he tried explaining.

"Difficult for you?" Her Scottish lilt was in full swing and he knew he was in trouble. "Tell me, Mr. Carson, do you have any idea how difficult it is for me?" But she was not yelling. Her voice was soft and scared. He had hurt her. "Do you know what it feels like to have the person you love most in the world, put you aside time and again? You have always chosen them over me Charles. I don't know why I ever thought now would be any different."

"I'm not choosing them over you!" He snapped at her accusation. Then quickly stood and went to her, placing his hand on her upper arm he gently tried turning her around to face him, but she stood fast. "I just need a little time, Elsie."

"You didn't seem to think you'd need 'time' last night. In fact you seemed rather eager to tell them today." Elsie said sharply. Her anger masking the deep hurt swelling within her.

"I wasn't thinking properly last night. Everything was all so rushed. I was caught up in the moment and I hadn't thought things through yet." The words came out hurried and horrible. With her back to him still, He watched Elsie's hand clasp over her mouth and was disgusted with himself. "Elsie...love.. I just need some more time to find the words. To figure exactly how to do this."

Elsie was in tears by the time he had finished his little rant. She finally turned to look at him . "I knew it! I knew you would do this! Well don't trouble yourself, Mr. Carson! I'm sorry to have rushed things! Twenty years does go by so fast! I suppose your eagerness to tell them had something to do with the fact I was straddled over you naked?" Her tears were coming faster and she had to stifle a sob in her hand. "And just now...on the table.." She shook her head. "What have I done? How could I have done this after all these years? Are we suppose to carry on like this? Did you plan on having it all for a bit? Your precious house and family, and the occasional itch scratched with me? It's obvious you have made our choice, Charles Carson!"

Charles stood staring at her, not sure what to say, what she wanted from him, what he could do to make things right?

"Say something." She pleaded, tears running down her face. She spoke quietly. "I'll always be another regret for you, won't I?... Another Alice? I won't do it... I won't be that...Goodbye Charles." She turned and walked out of his life once more...

I hope you enjoyed this angsty turn. Though I'm sure you'll have nothing to worry about in the long run...maybe? ;) I'm hoping to wrap her up in a few more chapters and start on my next idea! It involves one of my favorite guest characters, Shrimpie! Yep, Cousin Shrimpie is coming to Downton! Will he bring Susan and O'Brien? Will he find friendship with a fellow lonely Scot? Hmmmmm... We'll see... :)