Chapter 14: Irreparable

Lucy fell asleep quickly after a small dinner. Edward planned to go home, but decided to let his niece sleep on my couch for a while instead. It was a carefree evening after Edward found us in the barn. I tried to let my worries dissipate so that I could enjoy their company.

I cared as much for Lucy as I did Edward, and it was terrifying. If I lost him, I would loose her, too. One of the biggest fears in life is the thought of someone not loving you the way you love them. I knew Edward cared about me, but what did we really know about each other? Our relationship-if that's what we had at all-was based on sex. It was the opposite problem I had with Riley, and I had no intentions of failing another relationship.

Edward and I moved to the porch quietly and sat down in the rocking chairs. This porch had gotten me safely through two confrontations today, so I only hoped for the same outcome with the third. I sipped my wine cooler and rocked steadily with Edward across from me. He seemed so exasperated by the day.

"I can't believe I let her see us fight," he finally whispered, staring off the porch and into the dark night. The storm had receded leaving everything heavy with water. The frogs and crickets were as loud as ever.

"You never saw your parents fight?" I countered. "It happens, Edward."

He chuckled. "I guess. I mean, I knew parenting was gonna to be hard, but damn does it all seem impossible. How the hell am I supposed to prepare Lucy for the world, and all the shit it's going to throw at her?"

"The same way your parents prepared you, and theirs did them, and theirs before that," I replied softly. "I know it must be difficult, but you're doing a great job. Just look at her," I said, nodding towards the house. "She's amazing, and forgive me for saying so, but I don't think much of that came from Kate."

I could see Edward smile widely. "No, it didn't. And thank you. I needed to hear that. I'm glad she came to you."

"So am I," I replied earnestly. "And about Rosalie-"

"What are the odds of that?" He asked, interrupting me. "You knew her?"

"I didn't know her well. I only met her once. At that competition we tied for Gold and two days later, I suffered from amnesia." Edward's eyebrows raised. "I fell off my horse," I explained.

We both chuckled, lightening the air between us.

"Now that I think more about it," I added, deep in thought. "She was a lot like you. Kind, outgoing, and determined. Not just to win, but to be a good person and treat others respectfully."

"She was great," he whispered. "I miss her a lot, and I honestly don't know what I would have done after loosing her and not having Lucy."

"I know a lot of people hate hearing this, but I believe that everything happens for a reason," I said softly.

"I'm learning the truth of that more and more."

We rocked in comfortable silence. I knew I was going to have to bring our relationship up, but I was dreading it. I suddenly felt all talked out.

"Did you ever want children?" He asked carefully. My mind slammed back down to me as I thought of my answer.

"Yes, but it's just something that never happened. I was alright with that, too, but as I get older, I wonder more about it. Do you? Think of having more, I mean."

Edward shifted in his seat. "I'm sterile, Bella. Another reason I'm glad to have Luce. She's all I'm going to get," he replied sadly. My heart sank as his pain washed over me. I began to understand a lot more about his relationship with Kate, now.

"But Kate was on birth control," I said, remembering our first night together.

"To help her periods, but also to fuck around. I knew she was doing it."

"You didn't care?" I asked, clearly surprised.

"No, I didn't." He paused and sipped his beer, then took a deep breath. I loved seeing his chest rise and then fall again.

"I never knew anyone could love me, because I'm so afraid to love, so I stopped expecting it. If I lost Kate, it wouldn't really hurt me. I married her truly believing that it was the right thing to do and that love wasn't necessary. I wanted Lucy to have a mother and a father. But all I did was keep a monster in our lives. She wasn't always like this though, Bella. Loosing Rosalie affected her in a much different way than me, but as equally bad."

"I know that you never get over the pain of loosing a loved one, you just make room for the pain, and live by the memories. Don't ever think that no one could love you, Edward," I finished in a whisper. "Please."

"Oh, no?" He countered.

"Your parents adore you. Lucy loves you more than I've ever seen a child love in all my life, and I know Rosalie did, too."

"And you? What about you, Bella?" He asked. I could feel all of the blood in my body rush to my heart, pumping so furiously that it was painful. I knew my answer, but I was too afraid to speak it. His face was hidden by the night, and I was glad. I could feel him waiting on my reply, and I knew I needed to say it because he needed to hear it. He obviously hadn't forgotten my almost finished sentence in the woods.

"I thought my love for Riley was the love that I had been seeking all my life, but I've never...loved a man the way I love you," I whispered. Frogs and crickets singing their nightly song drowned out every other sound around me. I spoke my truth, and waiting to hear a reply was excruciating. Edward took his time, so I continued.

"I don't know this kind of love. I don't understand it in the slightest. We barely know each other in any serious way that isn't physical." I breathed a sigh of relief getting all of that off my chest. Riley popped into my head, but not as a husband. He was my friend, and I was taking his advice by doing what made me happy.

"But I couldn't imagine loosing you. Riley came by today, and I made my choice just as he did. It's over, and I can get my friend back. That's the only kind of love I ever really felt for him anyway."

Suddenly, Edward leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. The small light coming from the kitchen window could reach his face now. He wasn't smiling, and it worried me because he had that familiar expression of nothing all over his face.

"There's a difference between us," he whispered darkly, his eyes glistening. "You can't imagine loosing me, but I couldn't handle loosing you."

I frowned. "How do you do that?" I asked, avoiding his statement entirely. "Appear so completely without emotion like that?"

He leaned back and shrugged. "A coping mechanism. With no emotion comes no feelings. How do I get hurt if I don't care?"

"You can," I snapped. "A life alone with no feeling is more painful than heartache."

Edward frowned and studied my face as a dozen different emotions rushed through it all at once.

"So there's nothing for us, then," I stated, rather than asked. "You don't care and I won't stay for nothing."

"I can't care," he whispered. I noticed his voice crack at the end. "You don't want this life, Bella."

"You don't know what I want," I spat annoyed. I stood up and turned to walk away from him, the only emotion left in me being anger. I heard Edward stand, too.

"I work long hours," he said. I stopped walking. "I may have money but it doesn't come without a price. I have a twelve year old depending on me, and every decision I make affects the both of us. I have to raise her, feed her, clothe her, and find a way to love her in the way she deserves. I now have a crazy ex-wife who's going to try and take me for all I am, and my heart is missing from my chest, Bella."

I swiped a tear off my cheek and swallowed hard. "I get it. That's why we can't be together?"

"Yes," he replied. It was barely audible. I spun around quickly and faced him, anger leaving me, and heartache sinking in.

"No," I snapped back through tears, "That's why you won't be with me. You can use any excuse you want to use, Edward, but it's all a lie." I started walking but stopped again when my hand reached the screen door. "You were right...no can love you because you won't allow them to, and you can't love anyone until you love yourself."

I quickly went into the house before he could stop me, and dashed back to my bedroom. I closed the door, locked it, then threw myself on my bed. I hadn't cried so hard over a man other than my father. It was defeating, and I began to feel as irreparable as Edward did.

...

The Saturday morning sun was bright on my face, so I squinted my eyes and rolled over. I was hot and sticky from not showering the night before. It only took half a second for my heart to begin aching again and reminding me of last night. I prayed for more sleep, but I knew it wouldn't come. I opened my eyes, and seeing the bedside clock I gasped realizing that I had slept ten hours. My face had strands of hair crusted to it from tears, and all of my limbs hurt. I sighed.

A small knock sounded on my bedroom door and I pulled myself off the bed to unlock it.

"Come in," I croaked, taking a seat on my bench at the end of my-too-big-of-a-bed.

"Bella?" I looked up to see Alice and smacked my forehead.

"Shit. The horses!"

"They're good," she assured quickly. "Fed and watered and let out to pasture." I eased back down.

"Thank you. I've become a terrible owner. God, what would I do without you?"

Alice giggled. "You'd have some hungry horses," she teased. I smiled, but it wasn't very genuine. Alice came and sat down next to me. "What happened? You look like a train wreck," she told me carefully.

I snorted. "I feel like one." I rubbed my face and pulled my hair back. Couldn't last night just have been a bad a dream?

"Riley?"

"No, actually we're good. We are getting a divorce."

"I'm sorr-"

"Don't be sorry," I interrupted. "We are both happier like this, I promise. But I do have to move. He's giving me the lake house and there's plenty of land, I just need to work on fencing and stuff."

"I'll help!" Alice replied excitedly. "A new place? We can make it however we want to! It's so limited here."

I laughed. "Whoa there, Nelly," I joked. "Don't you have summer courses?"

She shook her small head, her short, dark hair swaying from side to side. "I'm all done. I graduated with honors a semester early. That's one of the things I came to tell you! I got my letter yesterday afternoon."

I beamed proudly and patted her back. "I'm so proud. Good for you. Now what?"

Alice shrugged. "I want to stay with you," she urged.

My face softened. "But Alice, you have an extraordinary degree that should be used to its fullest."

Alice laughed and rolled her eyes. "It's the same degree you have, Bella. Please let me stay and work for you...with you."

I paused and contemplated her request thoroughly. "Then I'll be giving you more responsibility," I said dutifully. Alice started to bounce in her seat.

"You're not just a horse feeder. I want you in the corrals with me learning all you can on teaching people to ride, and training horses."

"Thank you, thank you! It's really what I wanna do, and we can expand. We could be great partners," she gushed. I smiled genuinely now and turned to her, offering my hand. Alice took it.

"It's a deal," I said, shaking her hand. "Now tell me about Jasper."

Alice's face went from giddy to ecstatic in half a second. "Fabulous! We had dinner and saw a movie and he kissed me goodnight and everything."

I chuckled. "Taking it slow? I'm glad. Become close friends first. Get to know all you can about him, babe." My face fell again.

"I promise," she replied, saluting me. "Now will you please tell me what's really going on? Is it Edward? It is isn't it?"

As much as I loved the girls enthusiasm, she ran at a speed that was sometimes difficult for my brain to keep up with. But she was really the only girl friend I had, and I trusted her. "Yes, Edward. No, nothing is going on." I picked at the hole in my jeans that exposed my knee cap. "Not anymore," I whispered.

"His loss," Alice blurted, then covered her mouth. "Sorry," she mumbled through her fingers. I laughed unamused.

"It's for the best," I said with a shrug. "You can't love someone that won't let you love them."

"That reminds me," Alice suddenly said, uncovering her mouth. She lifted up one side of her hip to reach in her back pocket. She pulled out a folded up business card and handed it to me. "This was stuck in the screen door."

I took the card for Masen Real Estates tentatively, but didn't open it. I sat and stared at it, wondering why on earth he had to leave something behind, making it harder for me to be as heartless as him.

Alice noticed my silence and stood up. "Well, I'll go," she said quietly.

"No," I said quickly. "I want to get started on the move immediately. Are you free?"

Her hazel eyes shined from the sunlight. "Oh, yeah," she said happily. "Lets do this."

I smiled. "There's a phone book in the kitchen. We need to call a moving company. I'll call Riley, too."

Alice saluted me again. "I'm on it boss!"

She turned and skipped out of my bedroom leaving me to myself and Edward's damn business card. I could see what he wrote, or I could throw it away. Part of me wanted the pain it brought to me because it would only feed my angry fire more, making it easier to forget him.

I opened it.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you from swinging."