14
Tris' POV
It is nearly ten p.m. I'm on my way to Hana's apartment where I'll meet Four. Four. I just don't get this guy. He is sending me mixed signals. One moment he is nice, the other he is a jerk and not just for appearances. But to be fair, since he and Zeke and Uriah found out about me being the Guardian and the reasons why I'm so secretive they seem all to have relaxed around me. It's actually nice being able to talk about it with people my own age, other than Liam, about what is going on. And all three of them seem so understanding and not at all freaked out.
When I approach Hana's front door I see Four standing there checking his phone.
"Hey," I say and he looks up and smiles a little. "You should do that more often," I say and he gives me a questioning look. "Smile," I explain. "It looks good on you." What? Why did I say that? He is my instructor. Besides he probably doesn't like me, at least not more than a baby sister.
"I usually don't have reasons to smile," he says and his smile widens. Did he smile because of me? Oh, wake up, Tris, he is way too hot for you. And you don't want to get involved with anyone. That'll only end up in a tragedy. No, as the Guardian I need to stay focused on my mission. "Come on, let's go."
I follow him down the hall and then to a staircase. We take several turns until we reach a small hallway. A large metal door is in front of us and Four fishes out a key to unlock the door. He opens it and steps inside. I follow him but stay in the doorway. He looks up at me and says "shut the door." I do so and wait to see what is coming next. The room looks a little like the one where my aptitude test took place. Four comes to me and tells me that he will inject me with the serum. I sit down on the recliner and he cups my face with his left palm while injecting the serum into my blood stream. The simple touch of his palm against my face ignites a fire in me. But maybe it's just the serum. He attaches some pads to my forehead and tells me to lie back and relax. "Be brave" is the last thing I hear before I'm enveloped by darkness.
When I open my eyes I'm on the field outside the fence, where that large, rusted ship lies. I look around and can't really understand what this is supposed to be. I see a fire ignite to my left and then a squeal makes me look up. A few dozen crows fly high above me and then suddenly toward me. I start running, but I step into a swamp like area and get stuck; the crows attack me and I lie down on the ground covering my face. The sound of squealing and fluttering seizes and I'm enveloped by darkness again. When I open my eyes I'm tight to a pole and surrounded by fire. I try to get out but it's difficult. The flames come closer and I can feel the heat against my skin. The only way to escape is to break my wrist to be able to twist it out of its confinement. I do so and jump over the flames to safety. The darkness returns and I am now in a tank that starts filling up with water. I try to break through the glass but the harder I pound against it, the more resistant it seems to become. I then remember that this isn't real. The glass isn't there. I start tapping the glass with my right index finger creating hairline cracks that soon spread and shatter the glass liberating me from this watery tomb. The darkness envelops me once again and I'm lying down. It's dark and hard and I can barely breathe. And then I remember. This is more than a fear. This is a memory. The memory of me waking up after I was dead for three months. Waking up in my casket, buried six feet under. Panic courses through me and I start to scream but the louder I scream the more scared I get. I do the same I did before, I claw my way out of my tomb. My fingernails are all broken off, my hands hurt, my lungs burn, my despair is overwhelming me. Oh God, I can't escape. They left me here. They forgot to dig me out again. I panic more and then I hear a voice. A male voice. Four.
"Be brave."
I close my eyes and start to calm down. Panicking won't help me. I need to focus and then I'll figure something out. But when I open my eyes again I'm in the middle of the abandoned industrial section of the city and a few dozen vampires, werewolves and demons have me surrounded. They come closer to me and as I brace myself for the fight I feel something strange. I look down on myself and recognize twelve year old Beatrice. This is another memory. I think. They all attack at once and I fight them back as good as I can, but I'm outnumbered and I'm not as strong as my sixteen year old self. I feel myself get stabbed, just like it happened four years ago. Then a claw almost ripping my side open. Then I get punched and kicked and then darkness. When it dissipates I see my family and my friends, but they are either dead or turned into vampires or werewolves and behind them stands the Master, very much alive.
"You've lost everything, Guardian. You are nothing. Your precious humans are gone or turned into fiends. You failed," he says and starts laughing his sinister laugh, like the time when he strangled me to death and pushed me into the pond. I let out a scream and fall to my knees. I shut my eyes closed and repeat over and over again that this isn't real, this isn't happening, I haven't failed, they aren't dead, the Master hasn't won. I open my eyes and feel strong arms holding me while I cry like I've never cried before.
"It's okay, I'm here," Four says gently, rocking us both to calm me down. I realize I somehow migrated from the chair to the floor. I hold onto Four like he's the only thing that matters in this world. He holds me tighter and whispers that everything we'll be fine, that it wasn't real. But some of it was. Who's to say the other things won't come true too?
After my tears start to subside Four stands up pulling me with him in the process and together we leave the fear landscape room behind. We take several turns, climb a few flights of stairs and then stop in front of a door. I look up and realize we came to his apartment, but before I can ask or say anything he ushers me inside. He turns on the light and we sit down at his table. He offers me some water and I take it, grateful to moisturize my dry throat with it.
"I need to think of something to say when it comes to the last two fears," I say.
"First of all, congratulations," he says and I look up quizzically.
"For what?"
"You made it through your fear landscape and you have only six fears," he says rubbing my hand that is resting in front of him on the table. Unlike before, his touch sooths me and when I look up he looks at me with awe and something else that I can't place.
"Four, those fears," I start saying but he interrupts me.
"They aren't real," he says with a small smile.
"Some of them are," I say and his eyebrows furrow.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you remember my fourth and fifth fear?" I ask and he nods. "They are memories. I realize that the three before that were just manifestations of my fear of being unable to control something or being restraint, but my fourth fear is the memory of when I woke up from the dead and was still in my casket, buried alive, while the forth is my first fight as a Guardian. I admit, there were far less opponents that first time, but this doesn't change anything. What am I going to tell people when they see my fears?"
"Calm down, Tris," he says and grabs my hand in both of his. I look at him and feel tears gather in my eyes again. "We can say that you watched scary movies and that lingered in your mind and just turned into something scarier than it really was. Trust me, I've seen fears weirder than yours," he says trying to cheer me up.
"Four, I know this might sound weird, but can I stay here tonight?" I ask and look away. I feel dumb for even asking, but the fear landscape really took a toll on me.
"Sure," he says and I look back at him. He is serious but he smiles a little. "I'll take the floor again."
"No, I'll do that. It's your apartment and your bed and I practically invited myself so stay here."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'll take the floor."
"How about this? We both take the bed. It's big enough for the both of us," I say and he scowls a little looking toward the bed. "I won't bite," I add.
"Tris, I shouldn't," he starts saying.
"Listen, if you don't want me here just say it, but I won't let you sleep on the floor. It's hard and cold and you shouldn't suffer because I'm a sissy about my fears," I say and get up.
"Tris, that's not what I meant," he says with a sigh. He looks back toward the bed and then to me. "Alright. I'll see what I have to give you to sleep in."
He walks toward his dresser and rummages through it. He finally pulls out an old tee shirt and some shorts. I thank him and go into the bathroom to change. The shirt is long on me and goes passed my butt, but I can barely keep the shorts on. I roll them up on my waist a little and thankfully they stay put. I grab my clothes and exit the bathroom to find Four sitting on the bed looking toward the bathroom. When he sees me he smiles again and then gets up. He enters the bathroom, but leaves the door ajar.
I sit down on the bed and think of my fear landscape. I know Four said that it isn't real, but two of my fears are actual memories, two moments in my life in which I felt truly terrified. My last fear didn't even come as a surprise. Ever since I learned of my mission I feared that one day I might fail and not be able to save my loved ones and they all die. Or worse turn into the monsters I'm hunting and killing. I could never kill them. Not my parents. Not my brother. Or Hana. Or Zeke and Uriah. Or my friends. Or Four. I look up and see him standing there dressed for bed, a loose shirt and sweat pants.
"What?" I ask.
"I could ask you the same," he says. "What's bothering you?"
"The fear landscape."
"You'll get used to it. Do you want to talk about it?" he asks looking me straight in the eyes. God, he has beautiful dark blue eyes. I could get lost in them. Wait, he asked me something. What was it?
"I'm tired. Let's talk tomorrow," I say and he nods.
"Which side do you prefer?" he asks and I look back on the bed.
"Right."
"Alright."
I crawl to the right side of the bed and settle under the warm blanket. He slips in as well and turns off the light. For a long while none of us says anything but I can tell he is still awake.
"Hey, Four?" I ask and he hums in response. "Remember when I said I wouldn't bite?"
"Yeah."
"I just remembered. Sometimes I bite in my sleep," I say and to my surprise he bursts out laughing.
"Go to sleep, Tris."
"I'm just saying. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I'm walking through the city, doing my rounds as usual. For some reason Liam isn't here, but that's not completely unusual. I pass the Erudite sector and reach the abandoned building where the vampires came out. I decide to check it out, but as I reach for the doorknob the building fades away and I am suddenly back in Dauntless, in the Pit. I look around and see a mob gathered around a cloaked figure. I make my way over there and realize that mom, Hana, Evelyn, Max, Johanna, Zeke, Uriah and Four have weapons trained on the figure. I walk around to get a peek and see Severus. He looks at me with what I can only describe as an insatiable hunger.
"What is going on?" I ask no one in particular.
"This vampire killed Liam," Hana says, her voice filled with hatred.
"What? Why?" I ask confused.
"A sacrifice must be made. The answer shall not reveal itself without a blood offering," Severus says in a grave voice.
"What sacrifice? What answer?" I ask him and step closer.
"The answer to your question. What you seek can only come in death," he says and then turns into dust. I look from the pile of dust up and see Hana with a crossbow in her hands.
"Why did you do that?" I ask her angry.
"He is a vampire, a killer and he killed Liam. He needed to be punished," Hana says, her voice cold and it almost sounded like the Master. That's impossible.
"She is friends with the vampires, she lost her way. She needs to be punished," Johanna says and suddenly they all train their weapons on me and just as I brace myself to the pain I wake up with a jolt and scream.
"Tris, Tris," I hear Four, but he sounds far away. Strong arms envelope me and my first instinct is to fight back, but somehow I'm calming down. "Tris, it's alright. I'm here. You are safe," he almost whispers in my ear as he holds me from behind and presses my back to his chest.
"Four?" I ask in a whisper, my voice hoarse and unsure.
"Yes. I'm here," he says and tightens his grip on me, but I don't feel uncomfortable as I usually would. I feel safe, for the first time in my life I feel really safe. I feel like I could close my eyes and still be alive when I wake up. I wiggle my way out of his embrace and turn around. He looks at me with a concerned look on his face and I feel tears gathering in my eyes. I don't know what comes over me but I launch myself in his arms and wrap my own around his neck and start crying. It only takes him a moment to hug me too and pull me closer.
He lets me cry for what feels like forever, rubbing my back and whispering things into my ear, but I can barely hear them let alone understand them. When I finally calm down I let go of him and notice that I've soaked his shirt with my tears.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"It's okay," he answers softly and wipes away the few stray tears off my cheeks.
"It's not. I should be stronger than this," I say frustrated with myself.
"Tris, you're only human. It's normal that sometimes you feel overwhelmed and just need to get it out of your system."
"But I'm the Guardian," I say, my voice breaking.
"Tris," he says and pulls me close to him. I rest my head on his chest and lift my face a little, nuzzling his neck in the process, but he doesn't seem to mind. He rests his left cheek on my forehead and holds me tightly to his warm body. "I can't even begin to understand the responsibilities that lie on your shoulders. But you are not alone. You have your family and your friends that love you and will always stand by you," he says.
"What if I do something they don't agree with? What if they hate me then?"
"That will never happen."
"What if?"
"Tris, listen to me. You've done so much for this city and beyond it. I doubt anyone who really knows you will ever hate you," he says.
"What if they don't really know me?" I ask.
"Then I'll stand by you," he says and I look up at him. Even in the dark room I can see the contours of his smile.
"You don't even know me," I say and lay my head back where it rested before.
"Then let me know you."
"There are things that aren't pretty," I argue.
"There are things that aren't pretty in my past," he vaguely says.
"Probably. It's not like I really know you," I say. I always make dumb jokes in serious situations.
"We should change that. Come on," he says and gets out of bed pulling me with him. "Get dressed," he says. I'm standing still for a moment before I nod and pick up my clothes. I go into the bathroom and change quickly, wondering what he is up to. As I exit the small space I see him fully dressed and waiting for me.
"Where are we going?" I ask as we take our fifth turn.
"To the fear landscape room," he answers and continues on his way but I stop abruptly. I don't want to go back there. He must have sensed that I stopped because he turns around and gives me a questioning look. "Don't worry. You're not going through your fear landscape," is all he is saying. He reaches out his hand and grabs mine, giving a gentle squeeze. "Come on." I nod and follow him. The whole way to the fear landscape room he hasn't let go of my hand and I feel giddy that I can hold his. But at the same time I can't help but wonder why he is doing it. I don't want to get my hopes up.
As we approach the fear landscape room Four pulls out the key and unlocks the door. He lets go of my hand and enters the room starting to prepare everything like before. I am still standing in the doorway when he looks up.
"Shut the door," he says and I'm pulled out of my daydream. I shut the door and wait for him to explain what is going on. I watch him as he takes off his jacket and I admire his well sculpted body that is revealed in this tight shirt he is wearing.
"What are we doing?" I ask unsure of what to expect.
"I texted Zeke while you changed and told him we are going back in. He manipulated the cameras on the way here and turned the one in here off. I've noticed that you were too good in your fear landscape," he says, surprising me a little.
"What do you mean?" I ask confused.
"It's not too bad. It's because of your divergence," he says and I nod, even though I don't really get it. "We're gonna practice, so that you get through it like a Dauntless would," he explains further.
"In my fear landscape?" I ask.
"No. In mine."
"Are you sure?" I ask and he hums in response. "Alone?"
"No, we're going in together."
"Are you sure? I barely know anything about you and you want me to see inside your mind?" I ask incredulous.
"Are you scared?" he asks looking me straight in the eyes.
"You aren't?"
"No," he answers short and without hesitation. I don't know what to say. I watch him as he injects himself with the simulation serum after setting up the program and then exchanges the needle with a new one to inject me with it. He sits down on the recliner and attaches pads to his temples and motions me with his hand to sit between his spread legs. He attaches pads to my temple too and smiles when he notices me staring. I quickly look away, embarrassed to have been caught staring. I feel him pull me backwards. I'm resting on his chest, feeling every breath he takes, every muscle contract and relax. But I can't dwell long on the sensation because I'm enveloped by darkness.
When I open my eyes I'm halfway between two tall buildings, connected by three metal pipes that run from one building to the other. I look up to see Four's dark blue orbs and realize this is his fear.
"Fear of heights. I'm not surprised," I say as I stand up and watch him struggle to get up as well. I look around. It looks real enough, but it isn't. "It's not real. We could just jump," I say and he shakes his head lightly.
"Divergent would jump. Dauntless would find a tool, a method to survive," he says and turns around slightly. "We need to get to that building," he says and spreads his arms to keep his balance. I copy him and we head toward the building he indicated. "You need to fight the urge to just do what feels right. Do as a Dauntless would to avoid discovery." We reach the building and he crawls inside a large air vent. As we continue inside he lets me go ahead, but then I hear a sound from behind us. A trap door shut closed and sealed us in. And to make things worse the walls started to close in on us. "Fear of confinement," he says. I only nod. I wonder where these fears come from. I look around but there's nothing in here to stop the box from shrinking and squishing us in the process. "Don't hurry. I'm just enjoying myself in a shrinking box," he says sarcastic, but I can tell he is nervous.
"Okay. New plan. You said when you first explained what we need to do during a fear that if we can't face it we need to calm ourselves down. Since this is your fear you need to calm down."
"That's easier said than done," he says, his voice strained.
"Come here," I say and hold my arms open in front of me, motioning him to hug me and let me hug him back. "Relax, close your eyes and focus on something pleasant," I say.
"I can't," he says and I can feel his anxiety.
"You know, most guys would be thrilled to be trapped in closed quarters with a girl," I say, trying to lift his spirit.
"Not claustrophobic people, Tris." I try to think of something to calm him down, but nothing seems good enough. But then I remember what mom always does when I wake from a nightmare. I grab one of his hands and guide it over my heart.
"Feel my heartbeat?" I ask and he nods. "Feel how steady it goes?"
"It's fast," he replies.
"Well, that's not because of the fear," I say before I can stop myself. Way to go, Tris. "Every time I breathe you breathe with me, okay?" I ask and he nods. We do this several times, our bodies pressed close together until darkness surrounds us and when the light turns on again we are still crouched down holding onto each other. "That wasn't so bad," I comment and stand up. He soon follows and I look around to see what this next fear is. I see a small table with a gun on it and a girl I've never seen before sitting on a metal chair. "Who is she?" I ask.
"An innocent," he says and takes the gun. "I have to kill her." I look at him incredulous. "As a Dauntless soldier you sometimes have to obey orders you don't always agree with," he explains. "I have to kill her," he repeats. "But I can never watch," he says and pulls the trigger. The girl falls down dead and darkness envelops us once again.
When a new image appears I'm stunned that I'm standing in an Abnegation house, just like my old home. I look toward Four who seems to be even more nervous now than before. He breathes heavily and sweat beads are gathered on his forehead.
"Why are we here?" I ask.
"The greatest fears are in the deepest regions of our minds," is all he says and then I look around as I hear someone come down the stairs. I look toward the figure and think I recognize Marcus Eaton. And then it clicks.
"Tobias?" I ask and look at him. He doesn't answer but watches the figure approach us. It has to be him. Evelyn's son. Of course, that's why I thought he looked familiar and why Evelyn reminded me of someone. They are mother and son and reminded me of each other. Four gets even more nervous as simulation Marcus comes closer, a belt firmly in his right hand. I look up and see two black beads as eyes and Marcus' mouth looks black and foul, like the one on corpses.
"It is all for your own good," simulation Marcus says and raises his arm to hurt Four.
"No," I yell and get in between just as he unleashes his wrath and I feel the stinging pain of the leather hitting my skin, splitting it and causing blood to spill, but before I can react Four punches his father or the simulation version of him and we both wake up in the fear landscape. I look at my right forearm where I got hit but there is nothing to even indicate I was scratched. But then my focus turns from my arm to Four and I look at him. He is panting heavily and seems to find it hard to calm down. I get up off the recliner and pull on his hands to help him get up as well. Once he is standing in front of me I hug his waist and lay my head on his chest.
"Tris," he says in a whisper.
"It's okay. You're safe," I say repeating the words he said to me not twelve hours ago.
A/N: So, we went through both Tris' and Tobias' fear landscape, all in one chapter.
What do you think? Especially about Tris' fears.
Is she right to assume some of her fears becoming reality?
What will happen next between Tobias and Tris?