Chapter Twelve: Ah-Si's regrets
No this isn't right… no that isn't right either. I have been in my office for a while now but I cannot concentrate because my mind kept on drifting away to Lei and what he had told us a few days ago. Just last night we thought he wasn't breathing anymore as there wasn't any air when we felt his nose. I don't know if he was pretending as a joke or he was asleep and we could hardly feel his breath because it was too little to be felt. The dreadful thoughts just won't leave me alone no matter how hard I tried to push such a depressing thought out of my mind.
I decided to take off from work since I cannot get anything done I went home. Yea-Sa came up to me as soon as I had opened the door and wondered why I was home so early. She was supposed to be at the bakery too so I asked her what was she doing at home as well. She told me that her shift hasn't started as both Sancai and Xiao-Yo were there at the moment. I told her that I couldn't think of anything so I came home.
I sat down on my bed as an image of Lei pale and lifeless entered my head. I tried to shake the image out to no avail as it changed to Sancai crying and shouting out his name. At this time, I felt tears in my eyes so I tried to blink them away. My body became involuntary as I felt tears coming down my face full force and my fists slammed against whatever things they could find until my eyes settled on a very old photograph of us F4.
F4 the handsome boys who drew everyone's attention at every event or the precious friendship of us Flowers that stood out like no others is about to disappear. Without Lei, we can never call ourselves F4 again. Without Lei a part of ourselves are missing, we've experienced it before when he went after Jing. I had childishly forced him to leave our group because of Sancai after he came back and it felt as though no members are with me because they chose to stand against my decision. I see it now that they were trying to protect our friendship.
Now that I look back at what had happened I remember noticing something strange about Lei. That night when I punched him when my hand made contact with his face, I felt that he seemed to be burning up. I must have hurt him a lot that day. After that, I forced him to leave us and we had to play a game of basketball to decide what to do next. He has been ill for so long and I have been nothing but mean to him. If I did anything rougher, I might have killed him although it was partly his fault for not telling us but I don't know what to do.
We were fighting because I loved Sancai and I thought Lei was just using her to get over Jing who trampled Lei's feelings as Sancai had to mine. I still love her but given the current situation, it was hard to keep going out with her. I think I know now how Lei felt about the situation because it is kind of similar. What he felt for Jing was what I felt for Yea-Sa; it isn't easy to let go of this feeling although it isn't really true love that can bring about our happiness. At least I don't feel as much joy as I do when I am with Yea-Sa compared to when I'm with Sancai. This time I was the one who hurt Sancai because I told her that I didn't want to remember her. It was when my memories returned when I found my affections for Sancai.
I don't want to hurt Yea-Sa but I want to be with Sancai. I want things to be back to before we Graduated where we could have eloped. But of course, I was too dense back then to have understood what it meant and was also too childish to know how cruel this vast world can be. I think I have lost my chance to be with Sancai though because she was very close to Lei. I think she loves him and I can tell that he has moved on completely and is trying to pursue Sancai.
A lot has happened and I don't think anyone would be happy with me if I ditched Yea-Sa now. I have no choice but to stay with her. I still have feelings for her but that is something different and knowing I lost my chance makes me feel even worse. To top it all off my best friend is dying and we cannot do anything to help. Those annoying images of sudden death or whatever illness he is going through keeps flashing through my head.
I regret hitting him. I regret fighting him for Sancai. I regret yelling at Sancai and telling her that I do not want to remember anything. I regret letting Sancai go because I want to be with her. There is nothing I can change so I can only wait and see. If there is one thing, I don't regret would be doing everything I ever did for Sancai. That I enjoyed. If she would be happy with me then so be it. All I can do now to let her choose her own path. I will not regret it; I will try my best to cheer her on.
End Chapter:
Hello everyone. I might take a break from typing this story. This Chapter is a short little one to clear up on Ah-Si's feelings. I got stuck on some parts but it turned out alright I guess. The next chapter is going to be about Jing and how she is dealing with what happened. I don't think it'd be a long one although It'd take some time to get out. Until next time ttyl!