Kate was in the middle of a sweet dream, where Lwaxana and she were vacationing on Risa with Ian, happy and carefree, awaiting Will and Deanna to join them, when she was startled awake by a sharp scream. Snapping open her eyes, she swiveled her head around the room, trying to find the source of the sound. It took her an extra second to register that the sound wasn't audible, instead in her mind, and she turned to see that Lwaxana was still locked in sleep's tight embrace, her face contorted into a mask of pain and horror.
Reaching out, she rubbed her hand along Lwaxana's shoulder, wanting to gently wake her from her nightmare. That seemed to have no effect on her, so Kate bent in and pressed a tender kiss to her lips, trying to probe into her lover's mind and let her know that she was still there, and that she wanted to help her. Finally, finally, she felt a tendril of Lwaxana's mind reach out and brush against hers, and she kept thinking a litany of soft, gentle, thoughts at her, coaxing her out of her sleep.
Then Lwaxana's eyes were opening, searching desperately for her in the semi-dark. Kate nodded a little as she held out her arms, welcoming her lover close to her heart. "What is it, Imzadi?" she asked before pressing her lips to Lwaxana's forehead.
"I was trapped, there was nothing I could do. I had to kill him. I had to. He was going to violate me, and then kill Ian. I, I, I…" Her words all jumbled together as she fought to get everything out of her heart, and Kate just nodded a little as she pressed her lover's head close to her chest before starting to rock them back and forth, crooning lightly to her. The words garbled into whimpers and then full on sobs as Lwaxana tried to bury herself in Kate's body.
"Calm your heart, darling," she whispered as she ran her hands up and down Lwaxana's back. It took a long time, but finally, her breathing slowed and evened out, and she pulled away to look at Kate. They nodded at each other before Lwaxana looked over her shoulder, giving someone else a small nod. Turning her head a little, she saw Mister Homm standing in the doorway, giving them a concerned look, and Kate also nodded, knowing that she had to set his mind at ease before he would go back to sleep. "I have her," she said, her voice still thick with sleep and sorrow.
Mister Homm inclined his head before blinking slowly, as if he was acknowledging the subtle shift that had happened in her relationship with Lwaxana that evening, and then turning to leave the bedroom. "He means well."
"He loves you. Not like I love you, but…"
"I know what you mean, Katie. It can get to be a little much, though, when you just want to be left alone to heal." She nodded a little before letting out another hum. "Kate?"
"Yes?"
"My hands are covered in blood that I can never wash off. I killed or mentally destroyed so many people, and I know that it had to be done, that it was the lesser evil of the options in front of me. But I don't think that I'll ever be clean again."
Kate shook her head a little, wanting to impart to Lwaxana that she was wrong, that in time she would find herself healing and moving on. But she knew that those words were trite and meaningless compared to what her lover was feeling in that moment, so she kept her mouth shut as she waited for her to speak once more. Lwaxana sighed deeply before kissing her neck and moving closer once more, slinging her arm around Kate's shoulders and holding her tightly.
"There wasn't much time to prepare for the occupation. We just woke up one morning and they were there. A Founder came to each of the houses of the ruling class first, which meant that a small contingent of soldiers also stormed into our house. Ian hid in the garden, but he was easily found by one of those monsters, and I wanted to claw his fucking heart out of his chest when I felt the sheer terror radiating off my child's body in strong waves. He was the first one I killed. I felt no remorse then, and even though I feel guilt for my actions in general? I feel nothing for taking his life from him."
"You were protecting your child. I probably would do the same, if I had a child."
"It was revenge, Katie. It wasn't necessary in that moment. It wasn't called for. I hunted him down across our planet, waited until he was almost out of his dose of ketracel white, and then quietly crept up behind him, dagger in hand, and slit his throat. My hand was dragging the dagger slowly, I reveled in his cries of pain as he bled out on the ground in front of us, and I felt nothing more than the heady joy at knowing I had snuffed out the life of the person who had terrorized my son."
Lwaxana's voice was tight, bitter, and Kate nodded a little as she hooked her chin over Lwaxana's shoulder as she struggled to keep from crying herself. "I don't have words, Imzadi, to make you feel better. This doctor's heart doesn't know how to fix this, other than by holding you close and telling you that I love you."
"Maybe that will be enough, Kate. I pray to the gods that it is." She drew in a shuddery breath. "It was easier to kill after that first taste. And if I found myself squeamish in mentally manipulating the Jem'hadar, I drew upon the anger and hate I still harbor in my heart for that abominable Ferengi. I became someone that I didn't recognize, and what's worse, Ian became afraid of me for a time. It was as if he could read my hidden heart, despite all my best shields and defenses, and saw my true measure. My true worth."
Kate shook her head quickly before gently lifting Lwaxana's chin with the back of her hand. It pained her to notice that Lwaxana avoided her eyes, and she let out a soft sigh before pressing their lips together. It took a moment for Lwaxana to respond, but then she was kissing her back softly, her lips moving against Kate's in what felt like a repetitive litany of something. Letting the kiss end, she pulled away, only to her hear name being whispered over and over. Each time it fell from Lwaxana's lips, she felt a warm rush of love sweep over her, and she sighed a little as she cradled her lover close to her chest, pressing her cheek firmly to the top of Lwaxana's head. "Your true worth is not measured by what you did under duress, please, believe me. And perhaps Ian just picked up on your heartbreak. Kids always seem to pick up on feelings a lot easier than we give them credit for."
"Perhaps." Kate could feel Lwaxana smile against her chest, and she smiled a little, too. "We're just now getting back to even keel, as Jean Luc might say. Your presence has made all the difference, I believe."
"I highly doubt…."
"No, it's true. Ever since you came home –" Lwaxana broke off suddenly before tucking her chin closer against her chest. "Ever since you came here," she started again, quieter this time, "we've been a little more open with each other. You have a healer's touch, Katie, what can I say?"
There was a short pause before Kate nodded, trying to hold in the yawn threatening to leave her body. "I'm just glad that something pushed me to come here. To not take no for an answer. To show up on your doorstep and not leave until you had seen me." Towards the end of her words, the yawn finally escaped her mouth, and a light chuckle slipped from Lwaxana's lips. "I'm so sorry, Imzadi."
"Don't be, we wore ourselves out emotionally and physically tonight. And I think I might be ready to sleep better this time. Okay?"
"Okay." They wriggled around on the bed until they were prone once more, and Kate found herself with a silly little grin on her lips when Lwaxana finally met her gaze, a far more peaceful look in her eyes than when she had woken up. "Sleep well, Lwaxana."
"I'll try, Kate." Lwaxana stroked her face gently before letting her eyes close heavily, her face relaxing a little more. Kate found herself content to watch her lover drift off into slumber, and she lightly brushed her fingers up and down her lover's arm as she tried to calm her thoughts down enough so that she, too, could fall asleep. And then, in her mind, she could clearly make out her beloved singing her favorite lullaby from her childhood. Laughing a little, she took the hint and let her eyes close once more as she snuggled in close to Lwaxana and pulled her quilt up around them, the familiar scents of the fabric and her lover mingling together lulling her back into an easy slumber.