Wish I Were Here

Continuation of 1. Remembering You

Determined to find out exactly how Eren knew her name, Mikasa seeks him out to get answers. What she doesn't expect is the tale Eren tells her of past lives, giant monsters, and a love he thought he'd lost.

"Do you know him?"

"Who?"

"The boy from a few weeks ago. Eren. It looked like you knew him."

Levi scoffed, turning back to the stove to stir the sauce he'd been warming up. "I don't know every kid in this fucking city, Mikasa."

She knew that, of course she did. "But you reacted pretty violently when he introduced himself. I thought maybe-"

"Maybe I hated his name."

Mikasa rolled her eyes, groaning quietly. When Levi didn't say anything else, she dropped her gaze to the textbook propped in her lap. Classes had just started, but her assignments were already keeping her up late. Plus, she hadn't seen Eren since her first day in the city, and her thoughts were drifting to him more often than she'd like to admit. She often thought of how he'd reacted to her, his eager expression falling after only a few minutes, how he'd already known her name…

"Do I know him?" Her voice was quiet and small, a hopeful question she couldn't find the answer to in her mind.

"You said yourself you've never seen him before," Levi said, dumping the sauce onto the pasta. "Primary school?"

Mikasa shook her head, tapping her pen against her bottom lip. "I would have remembered his eyes."

"Disgusting." He took the book from her lap, closing and sliding it across the table before shoving her feet off of the extra chair. Dropping a bowl in front of her, Levi took his seat at the end of the table. "Eat. We'll get more furniture for your room in the morning."

The next afternoon, Mikasa left Levi alone with the new furniture, saying she wanted to explore the city and find a few more bus routes before she got too swamped with schoolwork. But there was another reason, as well. It was her first day away from Levi since moving to the city with him, and she wanted to find Eren and get an explanation from him.

Mikasa stopped at the bench last, her hands shoved deep in her pockets as she scanned the crowds around her. It was nearing dinner time, the sidewalks and streets filled with people trying to get back home, car horns blaring and vendors screaming, a symphony to drown out her erratic heartbeat. This was stupid; what was she trying to accomplish? There was no guarantee Eren knew her, he might have heard Levi calling for her. Maybe he didn't even live in the city and had only been visiting a friend.

She stood, heart pounding as she tried to think of the fastest way back to the apartment, when a flash of pale yellow hair stopped her. Mikasa ran to the nearest crosswalk, grasping the girl's shoulder to keep her from crossing.

"What the fuck-" The girl turned, taking Mikasa's wrist and squeezing harshly, as if to break her bones, but she paused, her icy eyes widening slowly, and then she sighed, tossing Mikasa's hand away. "What do you want?"

Ignoring the girl's hostility, Mikasa started, feeling inexplicably breathless as she spoke, "three weeks ago, you stood with a boy, also blond, right?" She should go, leave the girl alone, but Mikasa recognized her from that day, her droopy eyes, thin hair, the white sweatshirt. The girl didn't answer. Mikasa groaned, trying to think of a way to explain the situation without sounding crazy. "I met a boy here, and when I turned around after leaving, he was with the boy you'd been with. Does that make any sense?"

"Oh." The girl looked uneasy, her eyes darting between Mikasa and the road. She shifted her weight, brushing her hair from her eyes. "Yeah, I know him. So what?"

Mikasa swore her heart leaped as a smile fought its way to her lips, her pulse thrumming in her ears at the possibility of seeing Eren again. Maybe she wasn't wrong for doing this. "I want to meet with him."

"No."

Mikasa frowned. "I-"

The girl stepped closer, glaring furiously up at Mikasa. "It's not a good idea."

"Why not? I just want to talk."

"He doesn't need you in his life."

Mikasa narrowed her eyes, squaring her shoulder to use her height as an advantage over the girl. "I think that's for him to decide."

She practically snarled at Mikasa, staring harshly before finally stepping back, her shoulders sagging and her hair falling in front of her eyes. "Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"What are you- hey!" The girl turned away, crossing the street and forcing Mikasa to jog to catch up. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at the girl's back; she was taking Mikasa to Eren, no sense in pissing her off even more. "I'm Mikasa," she said after matching the girl's gait, while they waited for the light to change at an intersection.

"Annie," she said, sighing it into the breeze as she glanced at Mikasa sadly.

Annie led her down a few more blocks, through an alley, and around a small, gated park before pausing in front of an apartment building. They walked into the building and Annie stopped at a small call box, holding down a button. After a minute, the static cut out, and Mikasa could hear two people arguing about who would answer.

"Hello?"

"Armin, it's me," Annie said, shifting uneasily on her feet.

"Oh, hey! Come on up." The call box fizzled back into silence as a loud beep echoed through the room.

Annie pressed for the elevator, and they waited in silence, their shoulders squared and heads turned away from each other. In the elevator, Mikasa reached for her neck, pulling the scarf over her mouth while Annie popped her gum loudly, the tiny buttons lighting up as they rose up the floors. Mikasa wasn't sure why she'd brought the scarf, (she still wasn't sure why Eren had given it to her,) but if things went wrong she could return it as an excuse for showing up.

They were in front of a door on the sixth floor when Annie turned to her again, looking almost desperate. "You're sure about this?"

"Yes." Her stomach was knotting, and Mikasa realized she hadn't yet thought of what to say to Eren.

Annie knocked loudly on the door, and not a minute later it opened, the blond boy, Armin, grinning down at Annie with a bowl in hand. "Annie-!"

"I brought a surprise." She hooked her thumb back toward Mikasa.

Armin glanced at her, his smile falling immediately. "Annie… This isn't-"

"Yo, Armin, if that's Annie tell her she's late and I want my movie back," someone called from inside. Mikasa felt her stomach flip when she recognized the voice.

Annie took Mikasa's wrist, brushing past Armin and leading her into the small apartment. "Wait, Annie! This really isn't a-" She ignored him, taking Mikasa through the kitchen into the living room, where Eren was lying upside down on the couch, several twizzlers stuffed into his mouth as he watched the documentary playing on the TV.

"Eren." He hummed, folding his arms behind his head without looking up. Mikasa felt Annie's nails dig into her wrist, but Mikasa was frozen in place, unable to say anything to anyone in the room. Armin stood behind them, his hands hovering above Annie's shoulders. "Dammit, Eren, get up."

"Jeez, okay." He stood, dropping the candy into its package and smoothing down the collar of his hoodie as he shut off the TV before turning, with a glare to face Annie. "What's so import-" Annie pushed Mikasa forward, and Eren stopped, stepping backwards and stumbling over a controller. "Holy shit." He whined, looking to Armin desperately. "Annie-"

"She wanted to talk to you."

"Eren," Mikasa stepped forward; he matched her with a step back. "I want to know how you knew my name."

He ignored her, looking between Armin and Annie for help. Annie shrugged, turning on her heel and pushing Armin from the room. "We'll give you guys some time," Annie said. Mikasa could hear their whispered conversation as Annie all but dragged Armin to the door, bits and pieces floating back to where she stood with Eren, broken sentences and cut off exchanges of bad idea, he really doesn't need this, this is so bad, until the door slammed shut and she was left alone in the silence with Eren.

His hand was raised, as if to be a barrier between them. "You need to go," Eren said hurriedly, glancing around the room. He kicked the controller closer to the TV, pacing the space between them as he pointedly avoided looking at her.

"Eren-"

"You need to go," he said again, brushing past her into the small kitchen, toward one of the bedrooms.

"Eren, wait!" Mikasa followed him, weaving her way through the clothes and books littering the kitchen floor. She grabbed his wrist and he froze, wrenching it from her touch and whirling to face her. She'd expected him to be angry, furious at her for showing up at his house and demanding answers, anything other than the undeniable sadness dulling his bright eyes, the tears pooling and threatening to spill. "Eren…"

"Please," Eren whispered, looking away from her to wipe at his eyes. "Please don't do this."

"Don't do what?" She took his hands gently, wishing to offer some comfort from the pain she seemed to bring him. He intertwined their fingers as if it was the most natural thing to him. "Please, Eren. Please explain this to me."

"You aren't going to like it."

"Try me."

"I'm in love with you."

Mikasa frowned, dropping his hands as her stomach fell again. There was something in the sincerity of his voice… But they'd never met until a few weeks ago. "I don't understand."

"This was a mistake," Eren said, pressing his hands to his face. "I'm sorry."

"Well that was hardly an explanation."

He stiffened, glaring at her through his fingers. "Why'd you even come here?"

"Why did you trip in front of me?"

Eren closed his fingers, hiding from her, his shoulder slumping. "I didn't do it on purpose." He mumbled it into his hands, turning away from her.

Mikasa rolled her eyes. "That was the worst fake fall I've ever seen." She reached for his hands again, and he let her pull them away from his face, but avoided her gaze.

"You still got up to help me."

"I had to make sure you didn't hurt yourself."

"You're just like her," Eren whispered, smiling sadly.

Mikasa stepped back, but his hold on her hands kept her close. "Your girlfriend?"

"No. You." He sighed, resigned as he tugged on her wrist, gently leading her to the table and sitting across from her. "This isn't going to make sense to you," Eren warned, throwing his arm over the back of his chair. Mikasa nodded. "I know you from a past life."

She couldn't help it; she laughed. Covering her mouth, Mikasa laughed loudly, shaking her head until she realized Eren wasn't laughing, but staring at her sadly. "You can't be serious." Mikasa said once her giggles had subsided.

"Completely." Mikasa moved to speak again, but he cut her off, holding his hands up. "Just let me explain, okay?" She nodded again. "You know about the Titan War, right? Well, we were a part of that. We both fought in the military after our parents died, and with Armin and a few others, we helped to save the world."

She didn't understand. The history textbooks spoke of this time, but the names of the heroes were never used, or when they were they definitely weren't 'Eren' or 'Mikasa.' He couldn't be telling the truth, wouldn't she remember? Remember living through the war, the deaths of people she loved, or saving the world?

Mikasa shook her head. She had been crazy for doing this. He was just telling her lies, making fun of her, and his friends would jump out and laugh at his elaborate prank to embarrass her. "I should go-"

"Wait!" He grabbed her hand, staring at her desperately. "Please, at least let me finish."

Everything inside her screamed to take her hand back, to flee the apartment. "Fine."

Eren nodded. "Look, when you, er, the old you, were nine your parents were killed and I saved you. You came to live with my family after that, but the Titans broke down the wall and I lost my mom. We joined the military because I had the dream to see the outside world, and you refused to leave my side. I thought you were insufferable at first, and it took me a few years, but I realized you did it because you loved me. And when I almost lost you, I realized I loved you, too." Eren paused, glancing away from her and propping his head in his hand. He shook his head, laughing bitterly. Mikasa swallowed thickly, her stomach curling uncomfortably. "The final battle is where I lost you. We were both heavily injured and I lost sight of you. I was exhausted from shifting. You… I know you thought I was dead, and I didn't get to you in time to show you I wasn't." His voice broke and he turned away, breathing unsteadily.

Mikasa covered his hand with hers, squeezing gently as he closed his eyes. His shoulders were slumped again, his mouth turned down harshly, and his hand a rigid fist on the table. It hurt him to think about it, to tell her, to have her so close. "You can stop-"

"No," he whispered, glancing back to her. He cleared his throat, straightening his back as if to give himself more courage. "I don't remember everything that happened after I lost you, but I know I died in one of the carts on the way back. And then, when I was eight, it hit me. I was playing with Armin in my backyard, and I remembered everything. Couldn't leave my fucking room for weeks I was so distraught with what I saw. My parents talked me through it, explained it. A few months later Armin remembered too, and gradually we found everyone else, but we never found you."

A sharp pain burst across her head, catching her off guard and centering at her temple. She pressed her fingers to the spot, frowning. Nothing Eren was saying made sense. There were folklores, of course, of reincarnation, but the details were never expanded upon, and now all she had was Eren's tale, his own memories. Her head ached fiercely as she tried to sort through everything he'd told her.

"Why now?" She asked, staring at their hands. If this was true, if Mikasa once lived through the Titan Era, she should have remembered. Like Armin and the… others. She knew, now, why Eren had known her, but was it worth it? Mikasa had her answers, but Eren's explanation had only raised more questions. She had once loved Eren, been close to Armin, but none of it mattered now. Mikasa was not the girl from then, and she did not have the memories everyone else seemed to share.

Oh, but how she wished she did.

Eren intertwined their fingers, rubbing his thumb across the back of her hand slowly, reassuringly, and Mikasa wondered how much of this was his own doing, and how much was a memory of his past actions.

"I don't know," he said, and Mikasa looked back up. He kept his gaze trained on their hands. "Honestly, I never thought I would see you again. Armin tried to convince me it was for the best, that it could mean you were safe and happy with your parents." She chose not to tell him about the break in and brutal murders that had placed her in Levi's custody in the first place. "When I saw you with Levi… I thought you'd- I thought you would remember me, too," he finished quietly, playing lightly with her fingers.

Was she supposed to remember? Eren had said he remembered when he was younger, did it simply mean her time hadn't come yet? "Wait," she said slowly, brow furrowing as she tried to process everything. Her, a soldier? "You know Levi?"

"Shit." Eren smiled guiltily. "Yeah, he was our superior during the war, and also your cousin. Is he still…?"

"Yes," she frowned again. "So he did know you." She scoffed, unsurprised that Levi had tried to keep her from seeing Eren. "The liar. Why wouldn't he tell me?"

"There's no guarantee he knows," Eren said quickly, squeezing her hand again. "He might not."

"He recognized you." Mikasa said, and Eren made a face.

"Okay, yes, but he couldn't have told you. One of my old teachers told us that if you tell someone who hasn't figured it out on their own, it could really mess them up. Being forced to remember the trauma they went through could ruin what they've created in their new life and lead to violence or depression."

"You're telling me right now."

"Fuck." He slapped his free hand against his forehead, groaning loudly. "I'm sorry," he mumbled against his wrist, muffling his apologies in the sleeve of his hoodie. "Shit, Mikasa, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You caught me off guard and you wanted to know and I wasn't thinking-"

Mikasa glanced to their hands again as Eren continued, apologies falling rapidly from his lips. He'd said earlier that they'd loved each other in their past lives. If she'd loved him, then wasn't she supposed to find him again? She tried to picture it, living with Eren as a child, following him through the most brutal war in history, falling in love with his loud personality… but she couldn't. Mikasa couldn't see herself standing next to Armin and Eren, surrounded by their friends as they faced beasts as tall as skyscrapers.

She couldn't imagine any of it.

Why couldn't she remember?

Her head hurt.

"Why not me?" Mikasa whispered, her voice shaking. Eren's mouth snapped shut, his hand falling heavily into his lap. He let go of her hand, sliding from his chair to kneel before her. Resting his palms on her knees, Eren tried to meet her gaze, but she avoided him, letting her hair hide her away.

"Mikasa…"

She shook her head, her hands curling into fists in her lap. "Why can't I remember?"

Eren covered her hands with his as the silence thickened between them, both unsure of what to say. Mikasa felt her chest constrict, tears threatening to wet her eyes as she tried, tried so hard to remember, to find familiarity in anything Eren told her.

"I don't know why you can't remember, but-"

Mikasa stood, her fingers reaching to grip her neck reflexively, a choked cry slipping past her lips when she touched the fabric of Eren's scarf. This scarf meant something to him, to them, and he'd given it to her to appease his own broken heart. He'd hoped it might jog her memories, make her remember everything, but it was nothing more than a scarf. She didn't have the memories, didn't know the significance of it, of Eren, of her past life, of anything.

She didn't know anything.

"I have to go." Unwinding the scarf, Mikasa turned from Eren, heard him curse as he stood up quickly to follow her, but she ignored him, holding the scarf in her hands carefully. It meant something to Eren.

It meant nothing to her.

"Mikasa-"

"I'm sorry." She dropped the scarf into his open hand before wrenching the door open and walking quickly to the elevator, but he stopped her, grabbing her wrist before she made it far down the hallway. Her throat ached.

Eren cursed again, tugging gently on her wrist until she faced him. "Please don't do this."

Funny how the meaning behind a phrase could change so quickly. Now, it was Mikasa with the tears in her eyes, the heavy breathing, while Eren struggled with finding the words to make her stay, to find an answer to what he considered a problem.

"This was a mistake."

"Maybe not." Eren said, holding the scarf out again. She did not take it. "Everyone else, yeah they remembered on their own, but what if that isn't the only way to remember? What if some people do need to be immersed in the memories, told everything in order to recall?"

He looked so hopeful, staring at her with wide eyes, a hesitant smile playing on his lips as he held the scarf between them, his fingers secure around her wrist.

Who did he want her to remember for?

Briefly, Mikasa wondered if he'd separated her from the past life he was so hung up on.

"I'm sorry, I know this is a lot," Eren continued when Mikasa did not. "Sasha's having a movie night on Friday. Everyone's going to be there, maybe you could come? Meet everyone again?"

She wanted to say no, turn him down and run, run and never look back, but something kept her there, glancing between Eren and his scarf. The desire to meet the people that had once meant so much to her? The opportunity to remember everything? Or the chance to get Eren off her back for good?

"Okay," Mikasa whispered, unsure of her reasoning.

Eren grinned, tossing the scarf around her shoulders. She gasped, jerking away, but he didn't seem to notice as he clasped her hands in of his. "Meet me outside Friday at six, okay? We'll walk over together."

Mikasa nodded, turning to the elevator. Eren followed, leaning against the wall as she waited for the doors to open. Once she stepped inside, Eren held the doors, smiling softly at her again.

"I'm so glad I found you." He stepped back, letting the doors shut as Mikasa pressed for the lobby. "See you Friday, Mikasa!"

As soon as she reached the lobby, Mikasa bolted from the elevator, ripping the scarf from her neck to keep from losing it, her head spinning and aching as she pushed past everyone standing between her and the streets. She didn't know him, didn't know the history he was so keen on her remembering, she didn't know anything!

And it didn't upset her as much as she thought it would.

Mikasa didn't remember him, but what of it? Was it truly a bad thing that she could not recall watching the people she loved get eaten? Wasn't it bad enough she had to watch her family die at such a young age in this life?

"Mikasa!"

She stopped just shy of the doors and glanced furiously around the full room. Armin stood with Annie, his hands up to placate her as he stepped hesitantly to where she stood, and Mikasa thought of how frantic, crazed even, she must look to the strangers in the building.

Armin frowned, looking to Annie for help but Annie only shrugged, staring at Mikasa sadly. "Did something happen with Eren?" Armin asked, so kindly and knowingly because he knew, he knew everything about who she once was while she stayed lost.

"I don't know you!" Mikasa screamed, her tears finally falling as she choked back a sob. "I don't know any of you!"

"Mikasa- wait!"

She ran, shoving her way through the door and sprinting down the street. It had been a mistake. A mistake, a mistake, a mistake, and nothing more. She should have dropped it, ignored Eren and her own selfish desire to know.

Her vision swam as she ran blindly through the city, weaving her way around everyone and ignoring anyone who tried to stop her, to help her. She did not need help, she needed to get home, to Levi, to the family she'd managed to scrape together after years of uncertainty, to where things made sense, where she woke up each morning without the thoughts of Titans and lost loves and memories that were not her own.

She still did not have a key to Levi's apartment, and she received many muffled complaints from the neighbors as she stood outside the door, pounding loudly with her fist. Wiping her nose on her free sleeve, she kept her eyes firmly on the peephole, determined to forget everything Eren had told her.

"I'm coming, stop with the fucking knocking already-" Levi wrenched the door open, his anger fading immediately as he took in Mikasa's disheveled appearance, the tears streaking down her cheeks. "Mikasa…?" He took her wrist, pulling her inside the apartment. "What the fuck happened. Do I need to-?"

Mikasa shook her head, choking out a painful, bitter laugh. There was no longer a constant ache pounding against her skull, but a light pain that flared up whenever she tried to think through the things she'd been told. "I messed up," she said, her voice cracking.

Levi glanced down to the scarf wrapped tightly around her palm. "You went to see Eren." She nodded. "Fuck. I'm sorry, Mikasa. If you were supposed to find out at all, it shouldn't have been like this."

"I don't care." She shoved Eren's scarf into his outstretched hand, and stepping around him and the half-built furniture to her room at the opposite end of the apartment, kicking off her shoes and letting them fall.

"Mikasa. " She gripped her doorframe, everything about her threatening to fall, to crumble and shatter and remain in tiny shards on the ground. Levi stared at the scarf, bowing his head slowly. "Do you… do you remember?"

"No."

Mikasa slammed the door shut, spinning to fall into her bed and folding her arms over the back of her head; the steady ache at her temple keeping her awake long after the sun set and her screaming subsided.

A/N: Sorry this continuation took so long but! There will be one more part and then this little reincarnation au will be done with. Thank you guys for reading! I hope you enjoyed!