The hours passed and by the ends of the day, everybody was leaving home, except for Gibbs, who had spent the last hours in a video conference at MTAC and for Ziva, who had silently sat by her desk and thought about how she was going to break the news of her temporary departure to McGee and Tony.
Ziva watched how McGee was the first one to go home, but she really didn't get a chance to say anything meaningful to him, because he just plainly said "Goodnight". She just smiled and he left.
Slowly Ziva dragged her gaze back to the squad room and the man sitting behind his desk, focusing on something else than her. It looked like he was about to be leaving, so she took the chance to stop him.
"Tony," Ziva said and caught his attention immediately.
"I am sorry for how I reacted," she apologized. She remembered the words he had said, but they seemed like a harmless mistake that could be forgiven.
"No," Tony said, picked up his backpack and walked to her desk, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly - and the moment was just..." he trailed off, before continuing with an apology, "I'm sorry".
"It is okay," Ziva smiled.
Tony looked at her for a while and suddenly everything seemed a little clearer. He didn't know was it maybe the smile she just had given him or the way they apologized, but he felt certain kind of hope inside of him.
"You know," he said and smiled, "I think we can do this".
"Do what?" Ziva was confused.
"Be friends. I think we can do that," Tony said hopefully.
She smiled and remembered once again how oblivious he was about her plan, but she couldn't bare to tell him everything now and broke all the dreams of friendship apart, so she just nodded and said yes.
"And I was just thinking, that you know, we could, um... celebrate our renewed friendship and visit the new coffee shop that was just opened around the corner! You know, the one that is keeping Gibbs happier now?" Tony suggested.
Ziva should have said no, but the way he was looking at her, kept her from saying that. So honest, so hopeful, it was too much to be crushed by the truth.
"I would be happy to go there," she smiled.
"Great! We'll visit there tomorrow!" Tony said excitedly.
Ziva frowned and felt her stomach twisting into knots, because this was it - this was the moment she could tell him that they wouldn't meet tomorrow. She felt terrible, when she opened her mouth and the words she was supposed say didn't come out after all.
"Sounds like a plan," she lied, but he didn't know it – he just smiled like a excited little child at his birthday when he had gotten what he wanted the most.
"Good! So see you tomorrow then! Goodnight, Ziva," he smiled warmly and left her alone in the squad room.
She was going to wave at him but she was too afraid to turn around in her chair, because maybe if he'd see her now, he'd see that she was lying. So instead of waving, she kept looking at her desk and after hearing a slam from upstairs, she lifted her gaze to see what was happening there.
It was Gibbs slamming the MTAC's door well shut and running down the stairs. He was a like a cloud that brought the rain, but it in this case, a man who brought desperation when he arrived back to the squad room.
"What is it?" Ziva asked.
"The victim was a moron, that is what," he said and hit his table, "This is worthless!"
"What is?" she asked and wondered what made him so angry.
"The bastard was in a witness protection! That will complicate this case so much more!" Gibbs revealed and slammed his desk again, "Why didn't anyone inform me about this?"
Ziva stood up, took a file into her hands and then gave it to Gibbs, "Here".
"Why didn't you give this to me before?" he raised his voice.
"You did not ask and I was, um -" she tried to find a proper word to use, "I had other things in my mind".
It felt like a lightning strike to his mind when he remember that the time was running out and there was nobody left but him and Ziva.
"That raises a question," Gibbs said slowly, "Why didn't you talk about this sooner?"
"About me leaving or the case?" Ziva asked.
"About you leaving," Gibbs answered.
Ziva took a deep breath, "How could I have told you about this? How could have I told you that I am leaving? I did not figure this out in a day, if that is what you mean. I have been thinking about this for a while, I just could not tell about it to any of you".
Gibbs looked away, "You could've talked to me".
"No, I could have not. I see the way you have been acting all day, so image you acting like that for days," Ziva said and shook her head.
"But I still prefer that you'd stay and we could all figure this out, including DiNozzo," Gibbs suggested and stood up. He slowly walked to Ziva's desk and leaned against it.
"And we would come to... What conclusion?" Ziva shrugged and sat back on her chair. She turned off her computer and took out a cardboard box she had been hiding under her desk all day.
"I don't know, but you wouldn't necessarily have to leave," Gibbs said.
"Gibbs," she said slowly, "This is not all about of what happened, it is mostly about me. I need to do this now or never, Gibbs. I need to see what else is in there, before I can decide is this all I want to dedicate the best years of my life to".
"But what about us?" he said and pointed at Tony's, McGee's and his desks.
"I am sorry, to put you all through this, but you all will learn to be without me," Ziva said and slowly packed her things into the cardboard box.
"We never got over the last time you were gone," Gibbs reminded and she turned quickly to look at him. It was clear how he was referring to the time she went back to Tel Aviv and didn't return anytime soon.
"Please, do not make this harder than it already is," Ziva asked and wanted to repress the memory of Somalia back into the back of her mind.
"Ziva," Gibbs looked at her very sincerely, "Don't go".
"I have to," she smiled a sad smile.
They looked at each other for a while, until he broke the silence, "Uh, I need coffee," he threw his hands in the air, "I'll be right back," he said and rushed into the break room.
Ziva looked at the cardboard box on the table. It was filled with memories, flags of the two countries that were her homes and papers and pictures along the way. She looked at the three desks surrounding her. Those three people - and the few downstairs and upstairs – had changed her life completely. Jenny had brought her here to be a liaison officer of Mossad and she would now leave as an agent of NCIS. Ziva had changed her life upside down and what she had gotten from it was a lifetime of memories and a second family.
The three desks surrounding hers were the ones who kept her head together in the middle of chaos, they would cheer her up and support her whenever she needed it. How could she ever forget them? How could she forget McGee showing her the American culture from his point of view, his video playing skills and his friendly being? And Gibbs, who was more like a father to her and showed her that everything in life isn't all black and white? And Tony...
Ziva looked at the desk in front of hers.
How could she ever forget Tony? His childish humor, his annoying habits, his constant bragging, endless stories about women and also his caring heart, his will to save her from wherever she was, his promises and gentle looks? She would never forget them nor him.
Ziva noticed how a single tear ran down her cheek.
It was a genuine moment to cry, to cherish what she had and what she had had. Did she ever thank about the little things as well as the big things? Did she ever say thanked the people who helped her when she did something wrong or when she was having difficult time in her life? Maybe she had, but it wasn't enough - it was never going to be enough.
She noticed how much she owned to the team and how much they had changed her. All the feelings became so overwhelming that they made her cry and it didn't stop even when Gibbs came back from the break room.
"I am so sorry," she sobbed and Gibbs ran to her, placed the coffee mugs to her table and held her tight. He tried to comfort a woman who was just like that about to change her life and was still shaking like a scared little girl. He couldn't blame her will to experience a little more since all she had done in her life was about missions, death and endless amount of case files. It wasn't a surprise that she wanted to try something else. There was a time when he could have done the same too, but lost the chance for work. He might have regretted it sometimes but it was only a hazy memory nowadays, when it the past it use to haunt him constantly.
"It's okay," Gibbs kept on hushing her, "It'll all be okay".
It took few moments for her crying to turn into desperate sobs. Ziva parted from him and looked around herself.
"I have everything packed now. This is what I will take with me now," she said and pointed at the cardboard box, "And if it comes to the point that I am not returning back here anytime soon and you have to get someone to replace me, just put these things to somewhere safe so that I can one day come and pick them up".
"I will," Gibbs said and lifted the box as Ziva took her coat and keys.
"Thank you," she said and took the box from his arms.
They walked to the elevator together and after pressing the button that would take her away from the building, she turned around one more time.
"I guess this is it, for now," she said and tried to keep her voice from shaking so badly.
"Yeah, I guess it is," Gibbs sighed.
"Can you do me one more favor?" Ziva asked.
"Anything".
"Can you tell the team that I am sorry and that this is not about them. Tell them that they mean so much to me and that I am so grateful, but I have to figure out what I want before I can make more decisions," she said and felt the tears running down her cheeks again.
"I will," Gibbs said and brushed her cheek with his fingers.
"And tell Tony, that," she had to take a pause between the silent sobs, "This is not happening because of him. He should not blame himself. And make sure he knows how much he means to me".
"I promise to tell him that," Gibbs nodded.
"And you," Ziva said but didn't know how to continue, so she just dropped the box slowly on the floor and then leaned over to hug him tightly.
That sincere moment lasted for a little while until she decided that it was time for her to leave. She picked up her stuff, stepped into the elevator and looked deep into her boss' blue eyes until the doors closed. After she had pressed the button that would take her to the level with a nearest exit, she stood still for a moment and then broke into a desperate tears and fell onto her knees. She sobbed all the way down and once the doors opened up again and she was out from the building, she could feel how everything hurt in the deepest roots of her heart. She felt so bad to to leave the team, but she couldn't stay with them, not until she found had out who she really was, who she could be and what she wanted.
Back in the squad room, Gibbs stared at the closed doors and wished that they would open up again and that Ziva would come back, saying that this was all a mistake and she wasn't really going to go anywhere – but she didn't come back. The doors remained closed and the silence covered the whole squad room.
And it all hit him once again – the sadness, despair and frustration hit him like a tides hit the rocks of a cold shore. And just then, he shed a bittersweet tear.
So, how are you all doing now? Are you okay? This is just the first of the saddest moments, more are coming.
I actually did cry when I wrote this. I had such a vivid image of Gibbs in this situation, looking all broken and hopeless that it just broke my heart and made me cry. Yeah, writing is quite emotional to me.
But okay, keep your minds open and we'll see again in the next chapter xo
~ L