"You're an idiot."
Mark's beer was jutted towards Jim as he maneuvered his way into a chair at their round kitchen table, straddling it backwards as he joined his somber friend. When Mark had arrived home from work, he had stumbled upon a puffy eyed, bleak-looking Jim sitting at the kitchen table, a heart-covered sock clutched between his fingers. After passing a raised eyebrow to his downtrodden friend, and watching his body positively deflate, Mark's ears were flooded with the most tragic tale he'd ever heard. As Jim wrapped up his account of the past twenty-four hours, Mark grabbed himself a beer-Jim declining the offer for his own; something about never wanting to drink ever again-and settled in to set the sullen man straight.
"Halpert. You cannot tell me that after all that happened, you actually froze her out?"
Jim wouldn't make eye contact. He was too busy pulling the sock between his fingers, rotating it around its rectangular shape. Mark reached across the table, plucking the cotton square from his friend's grasp, and haphazardly tossed it somewhere in the living room, eliciting from Jim a deep, drawn-out sigh.
"C'mon, man. What do you expect me to do?"
His eyes, rimmed in shadows, pleaded his case for release. Just let it go. I've already had enough of this today.
But Mark wasn't in the business of watching his friend's heart shatter anymore. If Pam had come over to their home on Valentine's Day and spent their time together making overly intentional efforts to connect with him, there was no way he was about to let Jim pass this opportunity up.
"Uh, talk to her, dude," he chuckled, taking a swig of his beer. "Maybe stop being a coward."
The eyebrows dressed in question and confusion urged Mark to continue pleading his case.
"Jimmy boy. You spent the night with the girl. That hasto mean something. Avoiding her forever is going to be really hard when she works five feet in front of you. She cornered you at work to talk to you about it. You've got a fifty-fifty shot. For you all you know, dude, she wanted to talk about how much she loved it."
"If only, man. If only."
Swigging the rest of his beer, Mark knew that he had done all that he possibly could. Knowing that Jim would need some time to process, he retreated to his bedroom with a fresh beer and a bag of Doritos.
It was almost two AM.
Mark had long since gone to bed, but Jim was still wide awake. Or rather, his mind was awake. His body screamed with exhaustion, begging him to succumb to any form of rest. Instead, he found himself perched on the edge of the couch, elbows pointed on his knees, hands clasped under his chin. Staring into darkness. Thinking.
Thinking about Mark, and the words that chased each other around his head like symbols in a cartoon after a character had been knocked on the head. In a way, he had suffered his own blows today. Mark was right. He was a fucking coward. The sheer desperation in Pam's eyes, willing him to say something, anything about what had transpired between them, haunted his thoughts. Should he have said something? Opened his mouth with more intent than to push her away, to make her forget the undeniable amount of questions that she would've asked him?
He couldn't handle the sea of emotions anymore. He needed an outlet, a distraction, something, anything to do that wasn't thinking about her.
He took the stairs two at a time, retrieving his laptop from where it sat on his desk. was absolutely mindless enough to divert his muddled cognition.
As the machine whirred, booting up to his home screen, he realized that he was still logged in to AOL, his status changing to online as soon as his computer sprang to life. The only three people online were Jim, his old college roommate Parker, and Pam.
Of course.
His head thudded to his keyboard, the glowing screen yelling in mockery as he pondered his options.
He could log off, set his laptop on fire, and hurl it off a bridge.
Too harsh?
He could just log off of AOL and fire up an online escape room like he had planned.
Or, he could stop avoiding her, grow a set of balls, and say hello.
Taking a deep breath, he summoned every lasting ounce of courage in him and poured it into his fingertips.
JHalp18: hey
That was exhausting.
ARTsly24: hi yourself. whats up?
JHalp18: nothin much. staring out into space and contemplating the meaning of life. you?
ARTsly24: about the same, actually. couldn't sleep.
JHalp18: yeah, me neither
ARTsly24: jim?
JHapl18: yeah?
ARTsly24: I hated today
ARTsly24 is typing...
The air in his lungs caught in his throat. Pressure in his brain thrummed, bulging his eyes out to a point of immense strain.
What does that mean? This was a stupid idea. Fucking stupid! I should just log off right now before I douse this thing in kerosene.
He wasn't in the mood to hear, or rather read, some spiel about not wanting to ruin the friendship and how he had no idea how much he meant to her. He would rather pitch himself off a cliff than watch those words manifest onto his computer screen.
ARTsly24: i hated that you wouldn't talk to me today. it sucked, halpert. it really friggen sucked.
What had gotten into her? Who was this mythical "Pam Beesly who spoke her mind" and what had she done with the woman who had bowed out on the deck of that boat when she had been almost certain that he was about to make a confession? She saw JHalp18 is typing… appear and disappear more than once. Jaw set, she continued her admission, needing to cease the track that they were on, the track that was quickly approaching a point where she would most certainly lose him.
She couldn't lose him.
ARTsly24: if me coming over last night was an intrusion or something, then i'm really sorry. i honestly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. because the truth is, jim, i had so much fun last night. i don't want you to think that you can't talk to me or something. i just don't want you to hate me. i couldn't deal with that.
His stomach positively dropped. How could he ever hate her?
JHalp18: i could never hate you pam. you have to believe me when i say that.
The urge to pick up his phone and call her, to drive over to her house and explain himself, was suddenly overwhelming.
ARTsly24: then what was with the silent treatment?
I couldn't handle telling you how good it felt to wake up with you in my arms, all for you to tell me that we're just friends?
I didn't want to cut myself open for you just to have you take that same knife and use it to rip my heart out?
I don't want to take the fantasy in my head of you one day loving me back and crush it with the reality that you never will.
JHalp18: um, i don't know pam.
ARTsly24: yes you do. dont give me that.
Well, she was certainly persistent. He'd give her that.
ARTsly24: come on, jim. seriously. if i did something, i want to know. i want you to tell me so i can say im sorry and make it better.
He had to start somewhere. Taking a deep breath, he let his thoughts filter through his keyboard.
JHapl18 is typing... ok, honestly pam? after we woke up this morning, i was afraid youd think it was all awkward, and i really really did not want to lose you as a friend because you thought i was like trying to come onto you or something and
Fingers hovering over the keyboard, he backtracked. He wanted to answer her question as honestly as he could without the outright admission that he was in love with her.
JHalp18: ok, beesly. you want honesty? here we go. after we woke up this morning, i was kind of scared that you would think everything was all awkward between us, and rather than having that awkward conversation, i decided id just cower in a corner instead. so. cats out of the bag. jim halpert is a big fat coward. and he hides behind his aol screen instead of telling this all to his best friend in person. and its been making him crazy all day long. and he hated not talking to her too. and hes really really sorry. and also, he really has to pee so he'll be right back.
The "pee" excuse wasn't entirely a lie, but more than anything, he truly just wanted to remove himself from the view of his computer screen, knowing that watching ARTsly24 is typing… pop in and out of the chat window would actually teeter him off the edge of sanity. He took way too long washing his hands, and decided to adhere to a routine that he never completed by brushing his teeth before bed. His pleasure was quickly replaced with disappointment as he returned to his seat and was met with three soul crushing words.
ARTsly24 is typing...
Seconds later, seconds that had disguised themselves as hours, a paragraph of purple text filled his screen.
ARTsly24: ok. so. where to start. um. i hope you had a nice pee! too much? confession: pam beesly is also a coward and really wants to get this right so she is stalling. okay. deep breath. do you like how im creatively dodging the point? okay. here we go, halpert. buckle up! waking up this morning was only awkward because i didnt know where i was when i woke up, and then we ran around the living room all frantic and stuff and i basically did a walk of shame out of your house. ok i lied, it was awkward for two reasons: the other reason was that i thought you thought it was awkward, and that i made you super uncomfortable because we were basically, like, cuddled on your floor, and i didnt want you to think that i like, came over and got you drunk on purpose or something. i really enjoyed hanging out with you yesterday jim. i dont remember the last time i had that much fun. well, actually, i can. the last time i had that much fun was when i hung out with you last weekend. so please dont go thinking that i dont want to hang out with you okay? because i really dont know what i would do if my best friend stopped talking to me and hanging out with me. we could obviously stop the cuddling if you wanted because im pretty sure thats like 90% of the reason you havent talked to me all day. but honestly jim, i dont know why it freaked you out so much because contrary to what your bony body might suggest, youre actually quite comfortable. regardless, im sorry i subconsciously used your body as a pillow last night. i am not, however, sorry for making sure you didnt get hypothermia of the foot. i honestly dont think youd do well with a peg leg. so. im sure youre probably drooling on your computer right now. sorry i rambled. please dont make me go an entire day without talking to you again.
She was quite satisfied with her response, flexing the cramps out of her fingers as she awaited his reply.
After Roy's declaration, a passionate love making session, and hours lying in bed talking, he had fallen asleep, a satisfied smile pulling at his lips. But Pam's thoughts still haunted her. Had she been disappointed upon entering the house to find that the roses had been from Roy? Were the promises that poured from his lips as they laid in bed registering to her as false, empty? Was the discomfort that she sensed while his arms encased her stemming from the longing in her soul to have a different set of hands burning hot against her skin?
She'd said it without saying it. The ball was in his court now. While she did feel a pang of remorse for hiding behind a computer screen, she sensed that he was as grateful as she that they were both in their own homes, rather than standing face to face, where the redness of their cheeks would be fully on display. As she watched JHalp18 is typing… pop on and off her screen, her thoughts wandered, winding down a path that contemplated what pajamas Jim was wearing as his slender fingers responded to her message.
JHalp18: wow beesly, breathe in between words much? im kidding, obviously. god you have no idea how good it feels to know that we were both feeling awkward because we thought the other person was feeling awkward. does that then, in fact, negate the awkwardness? i have to assume so. because i wholeheartedly agree, and am dropping the gavel that we dont spend another day not talking. awkwardness officially lifted! while i appreciate your concern for my hypothermia, im going to executively table the discussion on cuddling because if im being honest, my brain capacity is not up to handling that right now, although i will echo your compliment by saying that you too are a very comfortable tiny person. i dont want to stop having fun with you either, beesly. but my eyes are literally struggling to stay open as im typing this. i think im gonna have to call it a night.
ARTsly24: :-) talk to you tomorrow?
JHalp18: i see what you did there. absolutely. good night, pam.
ARTsly24: goodnight, jim :-)
JHalp18: oh! beesly, i almost forgot! on the topic of foot hypothermia, and also walk of shame talk, you left your sock here. one might make the assumption that you did that on purpose so that you could have an excuse to come back, but ill chalk it up to your secret desire to have a peg leg.
ARTsly24: i was wondering where that went! my left foot was FREEZING on my drive home! however, im going to debunk your theory right there, halpert. i have never, nor will i ever, desire to have a peg leg. im more of a hook girl. if i ever leave a glove at your house, youll know whats up.
JHalp18: lol, ill keep that in mind.
ARTsly24: make sure you wear socks to bed tonight please!
JHalp18: will do. goodnight beesly.
ARTsly24: sweet dreams :-)
ARTsly24 has signed off.
Slipping a pair of socks over his feet, Jim smiled. His dreams would surely be sweet tonight.