Chapter 14
Tobias
We don't speak as we make our way back through the darkness to our apartment, the silver haze of dawn almost visible at the distant eastern horizon. The images Caleb showed us are still stuck in my brain, as though they were imprinted on the inside of my eyes. Her last words echo around my brain, "I love you, I love you, I love you", until the sounds lose meaning. It would be like losing her all over again if we never found them. In subconscious response to my thoughts, my strides lengthen, leaving Christina trailing behind as I speed onwards.
As I'm fumbling with the door keys, Christina catches my hand, pulling me round to face her.
"You need to tell Evelyn," she says firmly, her jaw set.
"She doesn't need to know," I say, turning back to the door, "She's got more important things to think about now than what I'm doing."
Christina pushes me arm, forcing me round again – I'd forgotten how strong she was.
"You think she's not going to notice if you just disappear? She's been calling every day for weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if she's tracking where you go, she's worried about you."
"Well she doesn't need to be," I reply angrily, "she made it clear that her priorities are with the new government."
"Tobias, there are people here who care for you too, it's not just Tris!"
"Don't call me Tobias!" I snap, finally managing to unlock the door and wrenching it open. I had kept it a secret so long, burying that part of me deep inside me. The only one I could share that part of my life was Tris, but with Evelyn in power, I'm Tobias Eaton again. Four, the Dauntless instructor persona I had created for myself to hide behind had been thrust aside, I'm the abused young boy again, locked in a cupboard, begging to be let out. Childishly, I shove the door shut behind me, slowing Christina's pursuit. I take the stairs two at a time, then stride into my room, slamming the door shut and locking it.
Seething, I sit down on my bed, but I'm too full of fierce energy, so I pace up and down around the small room, my breaths quick and shallow. Gradually, my breathing slows and I collapse on top of the covers, my anger ebbing away to leave a hollow loneliness. I close my eyes, and see her face in front of me, her hollow cheeks and dark-ringed eyes making me ache with sadness and longing.
Outside my window, dawn's misty touch is creeping through the city, gently clearing the bitter darkness of night. I know I should rest, but sleep evades me as words and images fight noisily for notice inside my brain.
Just before 6 o'clock, there is a light tap at my door, but I ignore it, turning away to face the wall. I hear Christina go down the stairs, and a minute later the front door slams. I wonder where she is going, but my eyelids are finally heavy with sleep, and I let myself drift off into the blissfully dreamless void.