Thirteen

Opening his eyes, Ianto saw a face looking down and smiling at him. A carton of juice was thrust forward. Taking the carton, then sitting, he took a long deep sip. Wiping his hand over his mouth he took a look around. Exhausted, they had fallen asleep entangled on a soft patch of grass under a palm tree right on the edge of the beach.

Ianto felt so mellow; he moved and a twinge caught him. He bit his lip as he recalled the surreal experience of the last few hours. Glancing down he saw the stains of their activities mingled with the juice of Wongai fruit cocktails. The recreational pleasure drug he had taken had given him an appetite and stamina that was most satisfying. John had explained it was designed to get maximum pleasure over a short time frame. Ianto approved. True to John's word they had fucked and fucked and fucked. For the first in a long time sex had been a pleasurable activity. John was skilled and had literally known how to heighten every caress.

Pulling himself up he stretched, noting he was sore in all the usual places. Not too sore; one thing you could say about John was he came prepared.

"Last one to the reef is a rotten Wongai!" John shot passed him and splashed into the sea.

Not to be outdone Ianto thundered after him. Just as John reached the water's edge Ianto felled him with a flying tackle. They rolled around in the waves in a mock fight then washed each other off. Laughing, they splashed and tried to out-dodge each other.

"Am I meant to feel this good?" Ianto asked, his hands on his knees catching his breath.

"I'll take that as a compliment." John ran his hand up the back of Ianto's leg as they stood half in and out of the water.

Ianto pulled him into a salty kiss.

"Ianto Jones. I made you feel good," John declared as the pulled Ianto forward into another tussle.

"I thought I was Eye Candy."

"That you are Ianto Jones." John pulled away. "You are Eye Candy, and now I know what you were hiding under that suit I say you are Eye Candy supreme."

"What is it with men from the fifty-first century and suits?"

"Listen, suits will never go out of fashion and your arse in a suit," John whistled. "I know a masterpiece when I see one. Trust me Ianto your body in a suit, waistcoat, and tie...wow."

Ianto was forming a reply when John's stomach turned over in an audible growl.

"Breakfast is on me." Ianto stood up and offered his hand.

"On you?"

Ianto rolled his eyes.

John looked over the huge plate of food in front of him, picked up his knife and fork and dug in. It had been a long time since anyone had cooked him a home-cooked meal. It had been a very long time and like the night before he was going to enjoy every mouthfull.

"It's that real coffee I smell?" John sniffed the air as he loaded up his fork and saw Ianto smile.

A few moments later more toast and a flask filled with dark heavenly liquid was placed in the centre of the table. John leaned over, picked up the flask and poured himself a mug full. Ianto watched amused as John added at least four teaspoons of sugar. "I need the energy. You wore me out."

"Really?

"Really," John replied, taking a good drink of his coffee. "You keep this up and I might have to give up being a scoundrel and start wooing you."

"Wooing," Ianto burst out laughing

"You know...dinner, making out, ending with me cooking you breakfast." John raised his eyebrows as he broke into the fried egg.

"So you know I like dark coffee chocolates, I'm partial to hot curries, but I draw the line at flowers." Ianto sat down with an equally loaded plate. "Can't see you as someone who would settle down." Ianto slid a piece of toast under his egg.

"You're right Ianto, stop tempting me," John growled and attacked his food. Moments passed as they concentrated on eating.

"Wooing, that's an old-fashioned concept, I haven't heard that word out side of Jane Austen novel." Ianto took a sip of coffee.

"Jane who?"

"Jane Austen. She wrote romantic fiction set the 18th Century. It's like dating only more serious."

"Serious dating," John chased several mushrooms around the plate."Romantic fiction...is there something you're not telling me?" John raised his eyebrows.

"Not that I would know," Ianto corrected him hurriedly. "Girlfriend had this novel and the DVD's of ' Pride and Prejudice'. The two main characters meet, she thinks he's too full of pride and he has prejudice against her and vice versa. It all gets really complicated…

"I see," John said and Ianto realised he has said too much and Ianto wiped his hand over his face. "I think a confession is in order."

"All right. I admit it I had a thing for Colin Firth. He played Mr Darcy. He was all tall and manly," Ianto confessed.

'Tall and manly," John repeated, trying not to laugh as a flush began to creep over Ianto's chest.

"I have no idea why I'm telling you this but… there was this one scene when he was coming home, he stripped off and dived in this pool. Later he was all dripping wet and his shirt was clinging.." Ianto paused in recollection. He looked up and saw the look of bemusement on Johns face. "Anyway you were saying something about wooing..." The conversation was interrupted as Jack entered the room. He looked between the pair and tossed the bracelet he normally wore into the middle of the table.

"I think we had better get moving," Jack stated. Ianto watched as Jack turned and went and stood on the decking, his arms crossed.

Ianto picked up the bracelet and he took a final swig of coffee.

"I'll go find my clothes." John drained his mug. As he passed he leaned over and gave Ianto a gentle kiss. "Thanks for breakfast."

"Pan is still hot, Jack. Do you want some?" Ianto called out as he twiddled the bracelet between his fingers. He examined his own and found it could be removed. He had been wearing it so long he had forgotten it was there.

"No we've wasted enough time," Jack called back.

"Why now?" Ianto asked.

"Why not, now's a good a time as any."

"What's your problem?" Ianto asked surprised at Jack's sharp tone.

"I don't have any problems," Jack snapped back.

Ianto handed him the bracelet. "So what's this all about?"

"I figured you should suffer from your own hangover," Jack replied, looking away, trying to stifle the anger he was struggling to contain.

"Hangover… what the hell you are talking about?"

"It doesn't matter." Jack turned to face Ianto, looking him up and down. "Hadn't you better get dressed?"

"You walk in here, throw this at me like some kind of challenge and it doesn't matter?" Ianto retorted.

"That's right, it doesn't," Jack replied moderating his tone. On the way the way here he had talked himself into not reacting. Ianto had every right to have sex with whoever he wanted; even John. It was not like Jack had any prior claim but walking in on the pair of them looking so comfortable all his good intentions had fallen away.

Ianto held up the bracelet. "Your comment was 'I'm to suffer the consequences of my own hangover.' So what does this do then?"

"Forget it, Ianto. I overreacted."

"Overreacted to what?" Jack closed his eyes for a second and opened them to see fury flash across Ianto's eyes. "You miserable, cocksucking, wanker. This is about last night. I'm not beholden to you." Ianto pointed his finger at Jack. "And when we were together you fucked whoever you wanted..." Ianto spluttered as fury affected his speech.

"That's not it," Jack tried to recover.

"Yes, it fucking well is. Do you know what Jack? I hope you heard every fucking sound we made."

"Well it was hard to miss," Jack found himself replying.

"I tell you what John is a better lover than you ever were."

"Oh really."

"And I tell you what I figured out what I was missing all this time because you were a taker. You just took and took and you never once asked me what I wanted or what I might enjoy."

"Is that what this is? You getting some payback?" The words flew past Jack's lips before he could censor himself.

Ianto pushed is face into Jack's. "If I wanted payback I would have told John I loved him." Jack went pale. "I stood there watching the pair of you, while you spoke the three words I longed to hear to her, not just once but over and over again."

"I've handled this very badly," Jack admitted

"No shit," Ianto retorted.

"Just seeing him and you..."

"Remember Jack these are your rules. You get to fuck whoever you want because you're from the fifty-first century where love and commitment are some kind of laughable old-fashioned nonsense. But if I do exactly the same, you have the audacity to start acting like a jealous lover."

"Ianto, we need to talk," Jack said with an edge of desperation to his voice.

"Now you want to talk? You destroy all and any affection I had for you. I don't see you for years. Then you crash into my flat, rough me up and accuse me of the most heinous act I can think of. What is worse is you would have walked out and still denied me my son if Rhys hadn't confronted you. Then within twenty-four hours you put on your hero act, saving my life and setting this all up. We spend months together. I get to thinking maybe we could work something out. But no, your precious time is more important that anything I might have to offer. We were both hurting Jack but when it came down to it your pain was more important. Once again I reach out and you turn your back on me and walk away like I'm invisible."

"Ianto, there is so much to tell you. I got back yesterday and I had a sort of a meltdown. It was so hard having to hand over Bevan it trigged a very bad memory, something happened… terrible and they...he...died," Jack struggled to explain.

Ianto he felt a gob of bile rise into his throat. "Everyone pays the price for knowing you Jack. You are toxic, you end up destroying everyone. Either their lives are ruined or they die. You should be used it by now…"

Jack spun round and took Ianto by the upper arms. "I had to kill my own Grandson. Steven, a boy I loved like I love Bevan. And I killed him. He looked at me, trust in his eyes and I betrayed him. I had to stand there, while his mother tried to tear a hole in the wall with her bare hands to get to him. My own daughter, Ianto. I lost everything. So I know about death. I had to leave my own son, only four days old, to try and save the world. The price I paid was that every child got to live except my grandson. A grandson I had to sacrifice by my own hand. All I could hear yesterday was his death cry and my daughter screaming at me that I am freak, a FREAK!"

Jack tore himself away and threw himself down the steps. Ianto watched as Jack took off down the path back towards his cove, passing John who stepped out of his way.

"I think it's time you two really talked," John said as he joined Ianto on the deck.

Shaken by Jack's revelation, Ianto nodded. Grapping a pair of shorts and tee-shirt he hurried after Jack down the path.

Ianto found Jack where he suspected, leaning against one of the trees that surrounded his small dwelling, looking into the distance.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I shouldn't have said what I did."

Jack wiped his face dry. "You were only saying the truth. Everyone pays the price, one way or another."

"I am truly sorry. I had no idea about your grandson."

"I killed him, Ianto; it was him or every child on earth."

"Was there no other choice?"

"We had only seconds. It was him or millions of children,"

"That's terrible, Jack."

"What's worse is he didn't know I was his grandfather. I'm the family skeleton in the closet, the big family secret," Jack did air quotes as he spoke.

"I don't know what to say, Jack."

"I read your letter." Ianto looked confused. "Your letter to Rhys. You were right. Bevan deserves a normal life. I want him to live. I've made a decision. Once I've picked up Bevan and brought him back here I'm leaving. John will make sure you both get back. I know Rhys wants to work something out; shared custody. I'll leave money and instructions with my lawyer."

"I don't see how running away is going to help."

"You are right; I'm toxic. To save you both I need to leave."

"This is fucked up, Jack. There is so much I don't understand."

"I'm out of my mind, Ianto."

"I won't argue that some of your actions appear mad. You never confided in me, how do you expect me to accept what you are saying now?"

"I thought you would be well rid of me?"

"I was angry, Jack. I made a mistake. I talked myself into thinking that maybe we could sort things out between us. I convinced myself of something that was not real." Ianto gestured with his hand. "All this, it's like living in a bubble. Bevan...all we shared lured me into false hope that you might feel the same way,"

Jack looked at Ianto sharply. "I did all this because you deserved a second chance. You were right, I robbed you of him."

"This is what I don't understand, Jack. In our last months together you did everything in your power to push me away. You killed the love I had for you more surely than a bullet through the heart. I am beginning to understand why you gave Bevan to Rhys and her. I am so confused. You save my life and bring me here you create time for me with Bevan. If you went to so much effort now why didn't you just turn up with him and say, 'this is our son and he is beautiful'?"

"I have taken full responsibility, Ianto. Have I ever defended myself to you or anyone? I know what I did," Jack said, losing the small amount of control he held onto.

"How does that answer my question?"

Jack shook his head.

"This is what is so frustrating, Jack. You can't - or won't - talk to me. All I know is that one moment you push me away, and then you pull me back in. I can't work out if the way you acted towards me over the past ten months is genuine or just some ego trip on your part."

"That's not it."

"Which part, Jack? The pushing away or the last ten months?"

"Both."

"So we're back to where we started, Jack."

"I heard what you said, Ianto. I am guilty as charged. Not only did I rob you of your son, my actions meant you lived a nightmare alone when all you wanted was the support of the person you loved. You have no idea how much I regret what you went through the last three years. The reason I did this was to give you back something that should have been yours by right."

"I hear you Jack, but it doesn't answer my question to why you didn't just turn up with Bevan in the first place. Sure, there would have been one hell of a row. I might not have believed you but a DNA test would have resolved his paternity once and for all. What I'm trying to say is Jack I would never have rejected him."

"I know," Jack said sadly.

"So where do we go from here?"

Several moments passed and it was clear Jack was not going to reply. Ianto was loath to leave Jack in this state, not after his declaration about Steven.

Ianto moved in beside Jack and put his hand on his shoulder.

"I 'm going down to the cove to give you some time to think. I know I'm the last person you want to speak to after what I said, but I'm asking you, Jack, please talk to me." Jack watched as Ianto took the thin path through the foliage, and made himself comfortable on the sand.

Ianto counted the hours as the sun crept across the beach and the tide went out, exposing several small outcrops of rock. . The waves were lapping their way back up the beach when Jack sat next down to him and offered him several Wongai fruit.

"Thanks," Ianto said as he broke into the first one.

"You are right to be confused. I'm confused. It's taken me months to figure out how I let things get so out of control. I wish there was a simple explanation but there is so much of this, it's interwoven."

"Jack, you can't live the kind of the life you've had and it not be complicated."

Jack brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around his knees as if bracing himself then began to speak. "I have this curse, Ianto. I can't die. One moment I was dead then I was alive." Jack went onto to explain what occurred on Satellite Five and his arrival on Earth and subsequent wait. "Over a hundred years later when I caught up with him. He called me wrong. All that time waiting to be told I'm a spatial anomaly whose very presence causes pain to the one being I admired above all others."

"Then during the time I was with the Doctor I got caught up a nightmare. I was captured by another Time Lord, like the Doctor. The Master played on my deepest fears. I was a spectacle for his amusement. A freak show. My freakdom was used as an excuse for every ill he perceived. I was the scapegoat he took out his anger on. Where he was finished his guards took over. I was a party favour. Having a bad day? Just takes it out on Jack," he said with a snarl.

"That is terrible," Ianto listened in shock and noted this was the second time Jack used the phrase 'freak.'

"I thought I could cope. I'm a soldier. I survived several wars. It was a hard year, but World War One, Two I've been in other war zones not ..."

"God, a year, Jack," Ianto burst out as he realised the implications of what was a throwaway comment.

"A year, and when I returned everything was back to normal. As normal as Torchwood could ever be. I was home. Owen, Tosh, Gwen. You." He reached out to touch Ianto's face but drew back. "It's where I wanted to be and it helped, it really did. Every day was a little better." Jack became still and some time passed before he spoke again.

"Do want to know what hell is?" Jack said so quietly Ianto almost missed the words over the waves. "I've been there. I lived being buried alive for two thousand years." Jack's voice took on a faraway quality. "Something happened to me."

Ianto looked at Jack in alarm, "but I thought, you were in some sort of a trance," he saw Jack shake his head. "You were conscious, aware?" Ianto blurted out.

"I don't think part of me survived, Ianto. The man who was dug out had become the freak the Master told me I was. "

Jacks voice began to boom out like he was a showman in a fairground. "Jack Harkness! Come one and come all and see the 'Freak'! There's the Doctor, the Master and his creature from beyond time."

"I never saw you as a freak, Jack: not now, not ever. I've been steaming fucking spit angry but I never saw you as anything but human," Ianto assured him.

"I know," Jack said in a shuddered breath. "You didn't see? How could you be so blind? I had to show you who I really was. Nothing I did would convince you." Jack broke down.

"Every time I hurt you my true self emerged and I fought with my self-hatred and begged for forgiveness, vowing that I would never hurt you again, but within hours the twisted part of me broke through even stronger. In the end it drove me to do the one thing I knew would open your eyes. When you walked in that day I knew that my perversion was complete and at last you had seen me as I truly was.

"I convinced myself that you had escaped from me. You moved on and found the life and love you deserved. After Martha came back and she told me about your conversation, I was so twisted inside I took this as the final piece of evidence you would never want anything to do with Bevan because of who I was. He was all I had left of you. I needed to protect him. To do that I had get as far away as possible. In desperation I tried to find my daughter, but she had completely disappeared. In the end there was no choice, it was give him up for adoption or leave him with people I knew."

"It was not until each word you spoke in the garage caused the shell I created to shatter. Not only had I stolen your son from you, you had been suffering your own nightmare. You have no idea how much I regret; not just Bevan but not giving you the support and time you needed to deal with your illness. I tried to put this right by bringing Bevan here, making sure you were looked after. Give you the second chance that should have been yours in the first place."

Reeling from Jack's disclosures Ianto moved next to Jack and took him into his arms. Jack buried his head in Ianto's shoulder and broke down.

After a time his sobs eased and they drew back.

"This is a lot to take in."

"I'm not asking forgiveness."

"Would it be so terrible if that was what you got?" Ianto responded.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness nor am I seeking it"

"I think the one person you need to forgive is yourself, Jack."

'Where do we go from here?" Jack repeated Ianto's question from earlier.

"That; I don't know. When I arrived I was so angry, bitter, twisted up inside. I was dying. Getting treated and having Bevan here changed all that. I'm in remission. I have a future. What you've told me is a lot to take in. It's huge and it explains so much. One thing I've learned from being ill is to live each day as it comes, good or bad. What I'm saying is let's enjoy having Bevan here, take things as they come and go from there."

"I am sorry about this morning, Ianto. You have every right to sleep with whoever you want, but when I saw you both together being so comfortable with each other I overreacted. I guess I was jealous it wasn't me."

"Only guess?" Ianto teased. They sat for a moment in the sun as the warm breeze gently caressed them

After moment Ianto picked up Jack's hand and kissed it.

"Does this mean?"

"No, it means I have a lot of thinking to do, but I am feeling a lot kinder towards you than I have in a long time."

"So there is hope?"

"Jack, there is always hope." Jack looked at Ianto. Ianto smiled "Yeah, I know. Me, with hope. Who'd have thought it?"

John watched as Jack and Ianto headed up towards him on the decking. They had been gone for most of the day. Hopefully the emergency session Jack had with his therapist had borne some fruit and he had taken his advice and talked to Ianto.

"Are we all set?" Ianto gave John the thumbs up.

John put his hand behind Ianto's neck and pulled him into a kiss. "Now, Mr Suit Supreme, anytime you want a repeat you just let me know." John winked and pulled back.

Moving back to gain distance John turned his head towards Jack, keeping his gaze firmly on Ianto. "You threw him away for her. You must have been mad."

"Finally someone understands," Jack retorted.

"Completely fucking barking mad," John repeated as he and Jack faded in a haze.