14. Monsters

~Levi~

So, there was this guy tied to a chair. I let Hanje do the knots. I only knew how to tie people up in a comfortable fashion, and this guy wasn't allowed get comfortable.

What was his name again? Sanes?

Yeah. More like Stains. Blood stains, on my shirt. Am I right?

Shit … I was really cracking up.

I rolled up my sleeves. Gosh, this was such a shame. I had even begun fashioning this cellar into a hentai dungeon, with shackles on the walls and hooks in the ceiling and building a nice wooden stocks as a gift for Eren and everything. I had so many ideas. I had wanted to tie the kid to a chair and torture him too but … this made things kind of awkward.

At least I had some shred of decency: I mean, it wasn't like I was enjoying this. Maybe I had tortured a fifteen year old kid in front of a courtroom full of people and somehow ended up falling in love with him … but that was different. That was just because it was Eren.

More importantly, there was something he had enjoyed about it, too. He was consenting and he felt the same way. Well, I thought he did at least. I hadn't quite gotten around to confirming my feelings just yet.

I was right there, ready to. He was in my arms and I had been building myself up to say it. I wanted to sit up and look into his eyes and give in the the dizzying vulnerability of pure honesty. I love you, Eren. I fucking love you. But what if it was too soon? What if I scared him off? I was totally intending to hold off when his words from eons ago resounded inside my head.

"All I know is that if I die out there on this mission, or any mission in the future, I'll only regret not finding out whether this was more than just a fleeting fancy."

This kid. I had been bracing myself to do it, to let go … and that's when I realised he was crying.

"That's what's made us like this — wanting to do these things …"

I winced. I hadn't even realised this guilt I had been holding onto since the trial, but I now I was certain there was nothing about inflicting pain on a defenceless person that turned me on. And there was nothing fucked up about my feelings for Eren.

If only he knew that.

This guy, Sanes, on the other hand … I had no feelings for him. But I would go as far as to say that he was fucked up. And what we were about to do to him was pretty fucked up too.

It didn't feel good to smash his evil face in with my fist. It didn't turn me on breaking his nose between my fingers. His screams didn't make me feel powerful and amazing. But they sure didn't make me feel like a good person, either.

His face was haggard, one eye swollen shut and thick dark blood smearing his upper lip, his chin, and speckling his filthy shirt. His voice lisped slightly from the loss of his teeth when he shouted at us suddenly in defiance. "I've never seen people the likes of you, who enjoy inflicting pain on others like this! Do it! Go on with this torture you love so much! You love violence, right!? I'm like that too! Tormenting people that can't resist turns me on! Have some more fun with me! You guys are monsters … the titans are cute compared to you!"

Hanje and I just listened to him like too sad idiots, frowning slightly to ourselves in disgust. I was so fucking tired of these ignorance idiots.

"What a pain," said Hanje glumly, as we were leaving to take our break. "Now he's become kinda pitiful."

"I pity the titans more than that guy," I said.

"Good point," she said thoughtfully. "Especially with what the Ragako theory suggests about their origins." I shuddered. She lowered her head, scowling at the floor. "I tortured Sonny and Bean out of scientific curiosity … but titans probably don't know they're monsters. They don't think good versus evil, they just know that us small squishy things are fun to pull apart and swallow." She chuckled darkly. "Sanes, on the other hand, knows exactly the pain he's caused. Still … when we were just fighting titans it was pretty easy to believe that we were the good guys. Now the line between good and bad is getting blurred."

We were walking and talking so calmly, that I was surprised to find my hands shaking as I pulled off my gloves and dunked my hands into the wash basin outside. My knuckles were red raw, stinging heat as the warm water cleansed me. But my heartbeat wouldn't calm down. It hadn't for a week.

"Fucked up, just like you …"

Annoyed at myself, I dried my hands hastily and tore off the bloody apron. I was making for the stairs when she piped up again.

"You don't believe we're monsters, do you?"

I turned around and saw Hanje standing there still coated in blood, leaning weakly against the wall. She hadn't put on any protective clothing, so her shirt was soaked and likely to stain, spatters of blood spraying up her arms. The light from the hallway lit up her glasses so that I couldn't see her eyes. But her mouth was set.

"Of course not," I said, my voice sounding stronger than I had hoped. I couldn't deal with Hanje right now. She could sort her own issues out, and I mine. She was never the type to want to spend a lot of time dwelling on her internal struggles, which led to her erratic emotional displays and airheadedness. Her head was a fucking mess. I was practically the opposite, making my mind up about where I stood on every little matter to maintain my cool, to let myself believe that I had control, at least inside my own head. That's not to say my head was any clearer at this particular moment in time. But I had tried to help her out before — now I just needed to focus on me. I shrugged, climbing the stairs. "But, anyway, I think it's irrelevant. Good and bad entirely depends on where you're standing. Are we bad for going against a corrupt government, our duties, and risking everything for the truth? Or are we good for following our own sense of righteousness? It doesn't matter. Maybe we're all monsters, the entire human race. Or, maybe, some of us need to become monsters to beat down the monstrosities around us."

Hanje smiled, giggling a little and covering her mouth with one hand. "Do you think you'll have kids, Levi?"

I looked at her, and immediately let out a short burst of laughter. "Are you kidding? I have a squadful of brats already."

She shrieked with laughter, and I found myself joining in reluctantly with aching ribs and weak lungs. It had been so long since I laughed, and it felt so cathartic. I had been so tense, with so much on my mind, and once I started laughing it was almost hard to stop.

"I'd gladly become a monster if it meant those kids could live in a world without them," she said finally, shaking her head.

"Yeah," I said quietly, catching my breath. But what would happen to them if we lost? "Anyway …" I took another step towards the door, feeling the fatigue wash over me.

"Oh, and Levi," she began, and I turned to catch her with her head cocked to the side, her face serious once again. "I don't think you're fucked up, either."

My stomach dropped. I suddenly got the very strong urge to take a shower. I felt so dirty and awful, my little fairytale love affair crumbling around me. I blenched a little, recovering myself with a scowl. "You bitch. Were you watching and listening the whole time?"

"Of course!" she cried, rubbing her hands and smacking her lips with a maniacal laugh. "And, to be honest, I was pretty disappointed that all your efforts didn't even induce a titan shift."

"Thank fuck," I said hoarsely, and then shifted uncomfortably on my feet. "All his wounds healed immediately, though," I admitted. "I couldn't even leave a hickey on him."

Hanje lapped up this information. "Awh, now that's disappointing."

I felt a little embarrassed oversharing, but I was really desperate to change the subject. And, to be honest, I had been a little disappointed with that too. No matter how I tried to mark him, how hard I bit or sucked, how swollen and red his skin grew, it was clear as day within minutes. And it was easier to think about that small failing than the whole shitstorm that had been revealed afterwards.

"So are you finished with him now, or what?"

"What?" I asked, horrified. "No … no, we're just have to take a break from the hardcore stuff … well, all the sex stuff, really."

Hanje whistled loudly. "That sure sucks. But Eren said he's fine, right?"

"He just recalled a repressed memory of child abuse … he can't be fine." The worms in my stomach wriggled uncomfortably. He could have been holding onto the trauma of that from the very start. And when I touched him, when I did all that shit … was that what he was thinking of? I swallowed nervously, and clenched my fist. "But it's nothing a few good therapy sessions and a bit of time can't sort out. But I can't touch him again until I know for sure he isn't associating what I'm doing with those memories."

"Yeah, I get ya," she said, yawning slightly. "Well, if anyone can help him, it's you. I've never known anyone so completely understanding and comfortable with their sexuality as you, shortie. Y'know, except for the whole pedophilia thing."

I blinked. "Yeah, thanks, Hanje," I muttered, rolling my eyes. I wished I could have said it before that last part.

"No problemo!" she said cheerfully, giving me the thumbs up. She leaped up the steps and threw her arm around me as I flinched away from her filth. With her laughing, and me smiling despite myself, we stepped out into the light of the kitchen. The murmurs coming from the next room instantly stopped when we appeared. And there were all my brats, waiting.

My face fell instantly. All the faces were stricken and pale, turning to us with horror in their eyes and … in some, a glimmer of revulsion. Armin was hunched over the table, his head half-hidden behind his folded arms. Connie's hands covered his ears. I looked around at them, every pair of terrified eyes. They sure weren't looking at us like we were their saviours. And maybe we were monsters, to be laughing five minutes after beating a defenceless man bloody. Maybe we were just old.

Still, these kids weren't monsters yet.

I glanced briefly at Eren, with Mikasa standing protectively by his chair.

Well, not all of them.

There was an awkward moment, which Hanje went out of her way to break. "Tea time! And, boy, could I use one!" She scuttled out behind me and went to the kettle, while I stood frozen to the spot with all their eyes still boring into my head. I shook myself. On the edge of my peripherals, Eren was getting to his feet, but I ignored everything and crossed the room to the door.

In the empty hall my breathing was loud, my heartbeat thudding inside my ribcage uncomfortably. I was halfway down the hall to my room when I heard the door swing open behind me.

"Levi!"

I spun around, seeing Eren there, his face so innocent and worried. I couldn't look at him without remembering the way he curled up on his side and sobbed to himself, while I held him and felt so distant. I was so fucking helpless, frozen into horrified silence and incapable of comforting him like I should have done. I had been avoiding him all week, trying to remind myself why I wasn't fucked up so that I could reach him and say the words he needed to hear. But I was spiralling, and I had yet to really remember.

My stomach brewed guilt, and along with the stench of blood still on me it was enough to make me want to puke.

"Eren," I said hoarsely. "What are you doing? What'll the others think of you rushing out after me?"

"Ah, I'm sorry!" he squeaked, his eyes so wide. I used to revel in the way those eyes gaped at me in terror. But how can you truly know a person who fears you so much? "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly, smoothing out the front of my shirt to give my shaking hands something to do. "I just need some time. We can talk about it later."

"Talk about it?" he repeated, his voice suddenly taking on a tone I had never heard before.

Well, maybe that time he called me a fucking pervert.

A cloud instantly fell on us, and I swallowed nervously. "What?" I asked. He looked down on me, chewing his tongue, as I felt my fists clench. "Well, spit it out."

He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment, before crying out, "All we ever do is talk!"

I glared at him, suddenly more angry than anything else. Then, unexpectedly, he came up to me and reached for my face. I flinched, tearing away from his touch and backing up into the wall. He recoiled a little, looking hurt, and then reached shyly for my sleeve.

"I can make you feel better, Heichou." His hands found their way to my waist, his fingers tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I shivered, making the mistake of looking up into his green eyes and sinking into their emanating lust. The waves were crashing over my head, and I had been fighting so hard for so long to stay afloat. I wanted to let go, to drown with him and let him drag me down to the depths. He pushed me against the wall, kissing me with the awkward eager kisses of a teenager, and I held back my tongue, feeling both sick and excited at the same time. I closed my eyes, screwing them shut as all my feelings fought for dominance inside me. Breathing heavy, I peered over his shoulder at the door while he kissed my neck and made me shudder.

"Stop ... idiot. You'll get us caught."

"Then let's go to your room," he suggested, linking his fingers through mine and pushing me harder against the wall. "Or outside. Or anywhere. I want to be with you, Levi. To be with you ... together."

He pressed his hard on against me to emphasise his point, grinding his hips into my bulge. I let out a groan, as my mind swarmed with self-loathing and shame. Finally I managed to throw off his grip and lurch out of his way. "No, you ... you're not listening to me! We can't go on like this if you have any issues about abuse or sex undealt with. But we can deal with them, Eren, I promise you. Right now I just need to be alone to calm down and think things through."

"You think too much, Heichou," he groaned, grabbing my elbow and pulling me back towards him. I tried to wrench my arm back but he held on tight. He looked down on me, his eyes pleading. "I don't want to think. I don't want to talk. We can just fuck the feelings away, and everything will be fine." He tried to kiss me again, but I struggled and pushed him off. I shoved him harder than I expected, and he tripped and fell to the floor.

I wanted to help him up, but suddenly I really didn't feel so safe. So I just left him there, prone on the ground in front of me. Panting, I blew some stray hairs out of my face while looking down on him in a small state of panic. "Eren, would you please try to be a bit mature about this?"

From the floor, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. And then I saw it: the moment he begun hating me. His brows knit up, and his mouth contorted into a mishmash of grimaces and sneers and sulks. His voice was high pitched when he shouted back at me. "If you wanted someone mature, then why are you dating someone less than half your age? What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?"

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I watched the dread fill his face as my hand clenched beyond my control, my entire body tensing up in anger. He shrunk back, and I knew I could catch him before he escaped and kick the living shit out of him. I think I wanted to do it. I really didn't know anymore. But his little face turned so pitiful. And I was not about to become the bad guy. "Get out," I croaked.

He gazed up at me, his eyes widening.

"Get. OUT!"

He scrambled up and ran. I stared after him, my whole body pulsing wildly and overheating and suffocating me from the inside out.

That didn't just happen, did it?

Everything else was a daze, replaying these awful moments over and over in my head. Suddenly I was on Remona, riding out into the black of night. I didn't know where I was going, but I needed to get away. I needed to forget. But how could I get that look out of my head? How could I forget the spite in his voice and the loathing in his eyes?

I clenched my teeth as my body rocked and the shudder of hooves enveloped my body. That fucking bastard! I felt so betrayed — and so fucking furious I could breathe fire. I knew I wasn't fucked up. I had been controlling my feelings … I had been pushing them down into a dark place, never to act upon … and he had begged me, pleaded with me, seduced me — and now he had the fucking nerve to call me a pervert to my face? The fact that he could utter those words — again — the fact that the thought had entered his brain to be released in a moment of anger was too awful to bear. He was the fucking monster. He was cruel and petty and mean.

He was fifteen years old.

I ran my hands through my hair, tugging as hard as I could. He was so immature. What the hell was I doing with a person like that? This was my fault. I should have put my foot down, got to know him better before we … No. He kept his feelings locked up pretty tight, didn't he? Even after admitting this secret of his past, he downright refused to talk about it. He tried convincing me it wasn't a big deal. Well, I never saw someone cry so hard over no big deal.

No. We shouldn't have started this in the first place. I shouldn't have been so easily enticed. I shouldn't have started dating someone less than half my age.

What the hell was wrong with me anyway?

My stomach turned. My heart felt so twisted and ugly, each beat tremoring in my chest and making it hard to breathe. Was this it? Was this how we ended, after only just beginning? He had looked up at me with so much hate and hurt. I didn't want that to be my last memory of his face. I had yet to see him with so many other faces. I wanted to see him again and again embarrassed when I started fondling him, flushed when he was just about to come, content when we lay together in bed afterwards, and peaceful as he slept through the morning. I wanted to wake up to his eyes, eat with him, bathe, play board games or whatever normal people did in this world.

I wanted a future. I wanted a relationship. Could I really get all that from a fifteen year old?

More importantly … what did Eren want?

I don't remember how I got back to the scene of the scene, but I slipped off Remona and found myself kneeling on a dewey wet blanket. I reached out and found the chains and ropes and knife and everything I had just left behind in my panic from the last time. The last time, when I had given him everything.

I had found something in that brief moment that I didn't know existed — a person who fit so well beneath my foot. I had gotten lost in the scene. I had put all my trust and hope and passion — everything I had into it. I thought he had, too. I looked into his eyes and I thought I knew without saying that it had made him happier than he had ever felt before. I thought he'd say he loved me right back.

But he preferred calling me a messed up old man instead.

I wasn't messed up … neither of us were.

I stumbled to the lake and scooped water in my hands, washing my face and staring dully into the water. There was a layer of sweat and dirt and blood on me, all invisible filth that I was carrying around like another skin. I felt so tired and so hurt by his words, so jaded and fed up with people not understanding me. But how could I expect a fifteen year old to understand? It had taken me years to come to terms with: this unconventional fetish of mine. I had thought I was fucked up too. And I hadn't gone through what he had, either.

My eyes widened. I was such a fool. A fucking selfish, ignorant idiot. This wasn't about me. His words had hurt me, yes, and he had lashed out at me now … but he wasn't in his right mind here. I was a little shaken maybe, but he was the one who needed my help. And what had I done … avoided him, nursed my wounds alone, and left him to stew in his newfound disturbing history? Fuck. How could I claim I loved someone when I still pushed them away when shit got hard?

I leapt to my feet, looking around at the lake and the tree, and felt like kicking myself. When I felt his body shuddering beneath me in the end, and looked over to see his tears, I felt so fucking helpless. I wanted to make it better, I wanted to erase the past and build a happily ever after. But I couldn't. We had to face the present. And presently, Eren was hurting.

I got on Remona, and galloped back to the cabin at top speed. I had to be strong, for Eren. I needed to be there, to be the shoulder he could lean on. I was the only one who could tell what he needed to hear.

We weren't fucked up. We just liked to feel more than most people. How could that be a bad thing?

The kitchen was deserted when I found myself back there, choosing not to associate with the memory of Sanes' screams and all the kids looking at me like they were scared I'd do the same to them. I didn't care what they thought. I knew I wasn't a monster. I only like it when the other person does.

I filled the kettle with water, placing it on the hob, and took out a tray and set two teacups down in saucers. I stared at the wall, wondering what I should say to Eren. Maybe I didn't need to say anything. Once he calmed down, I was sure he'd understand. We can't just fuck our problems away. We can't just distract ourselves from these things, or they'll grow like weeds inside us. I just hoped my negligence hadn't let too many sprout.

I had given into his sexual urges so quickly: maybe it was for the best that we laid off for a while anyway. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be with him in spite of everything. I wanted him, not his ass or his mouth or his obedience. I just wanted him.

I heard the door open and turned around, heart beating wildly. It dropped when I saw Mikasa standing there. My fist clenched. "Oh, it's you," I said, attempting, not very hard, to hide the venom in my voice.

"Were you expecting someone?" she asked coolly.

I shrugged, turning back to watch the teapot. "Not really."

"Who is the second cup for, then?"

Insolent bitch. "Not that it's any of your business, but I was going to bring it to Hanje."

"Hanje's already left for headquarters, sir." She paused. "You're bringing it to Eren, aren't you?"

I dropped the spoon. "And why would I bring tea to that brat?"

"Because," she said, and then paused again. I turned, my body trembling, and caught her stare. She glared back at me with dull black eyes, then dropped them to the ground, seemingly embarrassed.

Oh fuck. My body lit up in panic, and I forced out a laugh of derision. "What the hell are you—?"

"I can tell by the way you look at him," she said, her gaze not lifting from the floor. I narrowed my eyes, breathing forcefully through my nose as I attempted to look cool. But it was too fucking late, wasn't it? I was wondering why she wasn't killing me right now, when her gaze looked up again to meet mine. "And I see the way he looks back."

I opened my mouth, but to be honest I was speechless. I was inclined to just keep denying it, but something about her tone made me falter. She knew. She just knew. There was no going back.

She didn't seem angry, however … instead, she just looked kind of tired.

"Don't worry, I'm not planning on telling anyone else. Not so long as you're making Eren happy." She stepped forwards, coming up close to me and looking down on me with her chin raised and her eyes focussed and fiery. I had never really cared much to study the girl's face before, and now that I saw her up close I found myself looking in a fucking mirror. This ingrained anger tugging her mouth down, the weight of sorrow resting on her eyebrows, and the shadows etched beneath her eyes: it was all I saw reflecting back at me in every shiny surface I cleaned. It freaked me out for a second, but in the end it only really made me hate her all the more. "But just so you know … if you ever hurt him, I will personally make sure it's the last thing you do."

I glared up at her, fists clenching. I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Me, hurt him? Isn't that a bit hypocritical of you?"

Her eyebrows wrinkled slightly, a look of confusion crossing her face. It quickly turned to scorn. "What do you mean? I'd never hurt Eren."

"You already have," I spat. "He told me what you used to do to him when you were kids, how you violated him in his own bed."

Oh fuck. I just said it. Here we go.

Her eyes widened and she took a few steps back, her hand raising to her mouth. I decided then that Mikasa and I were nothing alike. The only thing we had in common was our obsession with that little green-eyed boy. I scrambled for more words, but there were none. I was so angry I couldn't even speak.

It was her fault, after all. All of it. Once again, I was left cleaning up someone else's mess.

Her face had turned pale white and her voice choked her on the way out. "Eren told you that?"

"Yeah. So don't fucking tell me how to treat him, because you have no authority over that boy's body."

She sunk to the floor, her hands flying to her face. "He remembers?"

I stared, frowning in disgust. "Yeah … It was clearly so traumatic that he suppressed it." I approached, standing over her. "I know you two are close. But if I ever see you touch him again, I will personally make sure it's the last thing you do."

She didn't seem to be listening. Her hands were digging into her scalp, her eyes wild. "So many years, he called me a liar. I thought I was crazy. I began to think it was all just a dream. But, now … he really remembers?"

My brow wrinkled. "What are you talking about?"

She glanced up, shaking her head. "He told you that I …?" She blinked at the floor. "That wasn't the case. Eren was the one who initiated it."

I felt like puking. "You're really fucking sick to try put the blame on him, girl," I said.

Her eyes raised slowly to meet mine, and in them there was nothing. "Blame? No, I don't blame him, sir. It wasn't his fault. The things he had seen … Well, I'm sure you've read the file on how Eren and I first met."

She hung her head. I should have stopped her; I shouldn't have given her the chance to spread her lies. But I had forgotten the fact that Eren and Mikasa murdered three grown adults when they were kids. And that was pretty fucked up. So in my curiosity I stayed silent, as she continued.

"Well, there was something left out of it that only the two of us know. When Eren arrived at the house, the two men who were intending to sell me into human trafficking were … using me for themselves." I took a step back, my hand reaching for the support of the kitchen counter. She continued with her eyes downcast, half her face covered in thick black hair. "They were careful not to 'break' me, so they only used my mouth. But Eren saw the whole thing, and when it was over he came in and killed the two. The third arrived and tried to strangle him. I stabbed that one. Afterwards, Eren said they were monsters who deserved to die. He saved my life, and I began living with his family from then on." She looked up at me, her face pale, her voice cracking in panic. "We were just kids. We didn't understand what we were doing. And Eren — he knew it was wrong but … but he was just copying what he had seen. It was like a game. One day, he pulled his finger out of me and it was covered in blood. After that he never touched me again."

I really felt like I was going to vomit now. "Hold on a second," I said slowly, clutching the counter as the kettle shrieked and rattled. "That's not what Eren told me."

She looked up at me blankly, and stood up without saying a word. I was immediately regretting this. I hadn't even gotten a full story from Eren yet. And here was Mikasa, telling another spin on the same tale. I should have talked to Eren first. There was so much I didn't know. But of course Mikasa was lying, trying to shift the blame. I looked at her, and uncomfortably noticed how little attention she was paying to me as she turned towards the door.

I grit my teeth. "I don't believe you," I said quickly. "It's just your word against his." She didn't look back, and I realised she didn't give a shit what I believed. But what did she have to gain by lying? It's not like she cared about me hating her any more than I usually did, and Eren had been a blank slate on the topic until this point. "Anyway, your story makes no sense. Everyone knows you're fucking obsessed with Eren. Why the hell would you be this in love with someone who abused you?"

I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. Because that wasn't so strange at all. In fact, it was quite a regular occurrence. Manipulation was a key aspect of abuse that kept the abused party on a tight leash, never able to be free. But this was Eren we were talking about. My Eren.

Mikasa turned from the door to give me a last long look. "Because Eren needs me," she said simply. "He was just a child. He didn't understand what he was seeing, and the psychological damage it caused was too strong. We shared that damage between us. We need each other. I can't blame him. He was just a kid."

"That doesn't make it OK!" I said, slamming my fist into the table.

"I know," she said, and when I looked up at her I saw in her face that she did. She knew it wasn't OK, she knew she shouldn't keep him in her life, she knew it hurt her. She knew, and yet she didn't do a fucking thing. And there it was, like a stamp on her face: the trademark of the abused. This Stockholme Syndrome that was eternally binding.

"Fuck," I said.

I didn't fucking believe her, did I?

"I need to talk to Eren," I said quickly. And I just left her there.

Rushing up the stairs, my mind was a mess of white noise. What the hell was this? This was supposed to be simple. If Eren had been abused I knew I could help him get over it. But if he … Oh fuck, if he was the one …

I couldn't even think about it. I just needed the truth.

I was halfway along the upstairs corridor when I heard it. A faint whimpering and moaning was coming from behind the wall. I slowed up, my footsteps falling more gently as I turned my ear to hear. It was a high pitched whining, a sound I suddenly recognised well, but I definitely didn't know the voice.

I stopped in my tracks. Who the fuck else in this squad was fucking?

By now I was almost at the door. It was Eren's room, which he shared with Armin. I listened to the moans again. They were especially squeaky, but still reminiscent of a boy. So little Armin was getting busy too? But with whom? I began to hear a deeper huffing and puffing and knew it was true: Armin was bottoming for someone … Jean, maybe?

As I kept wondering, I suddenly realised that I didn't actually give two shits at all. But if he was in there with someone, where was Eren? He must have slipped into someone else's room to let Armin have a little time alone with his mystery lover.

I sighed. I couldn't exactly go charging into all the rooms demanding to see Eren. So instead I just went back to my own chambers and lay on the bed. I hadn't even the energy to prepare a bath. But maybe that was OK. The scalding water couldn't wash away the grief and no amount of soap could make me feel clean. My hands had stopped shaking, but when I held them up in front of my face I saw that the knuckles were bruised and raw.

This torture was far from over. I dropped my hands back down, sighing heavily. I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep until I'd talked to Eren, so instead I spent the night planning new ways to torture a defenceless man.

At some point I drifted off, and only then did I remember what had happened to Armin at the Reeb's warehouse. I didn't really think that dressing up like a girl and getting groped by an old man was anyone's cup of tea. But to each their own …