Okay, I'm too addicted to it.

So very addicted…:)

Chapter 13

Third Day On The Train: Wrist Cutters

Yeah-h

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Your flesh sparkles.

In the dim black.

So perfect.

In this piece of darkness.

You've found yourself too.

Soon, the black viruses will get to you.

Tear you.

Break you.

Burn you.

How pretty would a corpse look like?

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Cody's POV

That morning, John looks through the backpack for food and I look down at me, afraid of what I've done last night, wanting just to erase what I've done, erase the memories, erase myself… John throws a wrapped sandwich towards me, and his eyes are begging for forgiveness and his face is rigid and I look down and unwrap the sandwich to eat, but after two to three bites, I wrap it back up and slink down from the wall.

My life's so out of control.

I want to die.

I want to scream.

I don't want them to notice. I'm as dead as a corpse and I feel so very broken and cut that the pieces of myself is digging inside of my heart and the blood's so much and so very much that I'm suffocating inside of my own blood and I want to run away and the train—breathing it in, being in it, it's just like seeing a horror movie, over and over.

I want to go home.

I have no home.

I look up to see my legs on Ted and I sit up clearly, feeling the sticky sweaty skin of his body stick to me, I walk over to him and look at him clearly in the face and I don't know how I could ever like him as I crawl over to Randy, snuggling inside of his chest, rubbing his face on his chest for comfort.

Randy's fingers run through my hair.

He wants to help me.

But he can't.

No one can.

I hear John and Ted argue.

"You inched forward!"

"You kissed me!"

Randy sighs. "Would you both shut up? Cody's clearly in pain and I don't want to hear you bitching out about nothing!"

He's right.

I can't keep anyone I love.

I can't love anyone.

Because Dustin will just make me hate them all.

I don't want to be in his game anymore.

"Ted, I just can't believe you'd do this…" I whisper into Randy's chest and his hands squeeze onto me, hard and harsh, running his fingers through my hair, breathing on my ear, hot and sweet.

"Shut the hell up, Cody!"

That just shocks me.

I jump from Randy's chest and look at Ted's face to see the annoyance and the shock's so overwhelming that I breathe in and out and pant and sweat and my head's spinning and spiraling and my mouth's bitten and—and—I'm just so very shocked.

Ted…?

He promised he'd never hurt me.

Ted…?

My Teddy bear? I shook the thought of my head and bit my lower lip, tattered and torn, feeling it swell and my body's just burning up with disbelief as Ted continues to shout at my face.

"I'm tired of you!"

"You don't mean that…" Randy starts, trying to shake the appalled look off his face but he can't and it shows and I can't either and my heart's hammering in my chest and my head's exploding and—and—Ted…?

"I do! My life's turned upside down just because he tried to kill himself. Why should it be my problem?! Why did this happen?" Ted shouts at me, and acid burns into my throat and my heart's cracked into nothing, blood and blood, running around and my body's thick with the sweat's that's collecting.

I bang my head in the wall from the realization that he's right and that I am the reason to ruin Ted's life and Randy's and John's and I should just be alone and I should really be dead by now and they should get out of here so I can just be dead on the floor.

"Cody, stop that!" Randy exclaims.

I just bang my head so hard that I fall into the blackness…

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You feel worthless.

Like nobody will hurt you.

Like nobody will love you.

Ever.

And you feel so very worthless.

Crying on the inside.

Dying on the inside.

Ever.

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Ted's POV

I knew the words I said were harsh but I didn't think it would go through to him. He looked so tired and so angry that I didn't think that anything could break him but my words—he broke us into nothing and nothing at all and my head pounded and my heart burst into the fire that was burning up inside of my body.

Burning.

I was burning.

Seeing Cody banging his head to the wall, seeing him want to bleed his heart out, I hated myself for what I'd said.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" John spat out.

"You scared the hell out of him!" Randy backed him up.

I was sick and tired of everyone picking Cody's side and I was just tired of trying to be nice to him when all he did was break me and I was just tired of letting him play me into this stupid game of his and I just wanted to punch his guts out for all of this. We were in here because of him.

And at the same time, I wanted him. I envied John for having to kiss him. At the same time, a part of me just wanted to kiss him, hold him, love him—it was horrid and confusing and I was confusing.

I couldn't understand myself.

I couldn't understand who I was.

Or what I was.

"Because…"

That bad part of me just got me.

"…I hate him."

Cody just banged his head so hard that he blacked out and the blood…running from the back of his head…

Bitterness burned in my throat.

"Oh, Cody…"

"Oh, you shut the hell up, Ted, because you break everything you touch," Randy spat out and as I simply nodded my head and my eyes were on the blacked out Cody, with blood running down his towards his face, the blood going into his mouth and his body was rigid and motionless.

That was because of me.

I broke him too hard.

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Life.

Breaks.

Love.

Doesn't work with you.

Horror.

Fills you up.

Death.

Will follow you.

And you'll die.

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John's POV

I see as Ted tries to walk over to Cody.

I'm over the edge with rage and anger and knowing that he's the one who did this to him and I know that Cody's just hurt himself because of that jerk as I stare at him coldly before I had taken Cody's body and cradled him close to me, and the blood's rushing down his face and shoulders and I kiss his mouth, feeling the blood stick to me, feeling his sharp breath.

"Just don't get any closer, DiBiase," I run my fingers through his hair, feeling its brittleness and slightly his hair falls down and holding onto his head, feeling his motionless body.

It's just sick.

Slowly, he opens his eyes and he looks so tired that I feel like crying out for the little boy and I try to kiss him but he moans away. "Please," he whispers softly, "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

"Oh, Cody," I touch his face.

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(you're lovely)

The voices try to tell you that you look nice.

(you can't break)

You want to wear that mask.

But your eyes say what you truly feel.

(you're broken)

Oh so very broken.

(no one will ever love you.)

If you can't take care of yourself

How can you take care of those you love?

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Randy's POV

Edge walked to me, holding onto my arm and looked at me in the eyes and his smirking eyes told gave a painful twist in the pit of my stomach as Edge's body stiffened and his eyes were on Cody and on Ted and his smirk widened, wide with gleefulness.

"Oh, Cody, oh Ted, guess what's your challenge?"

Horror reeled through me. Fear ruptured through me. Anxiety fractured violently right through my body and broke everything. What can he do to them? Would it hurt him?

I—Ted…

Cody…

They looked up at them, horrid, horrible eyed, scared, my boys were terrified and I didn't know what to do to comfort them as Edge spoke out. "I want Rhodes to cut DiBiase's wrists."

The fear multiplied. I was ready to choke.

My Teddy's wrists slit by my Cody? I stared but John's hand was on my shoulder and Edge was bringing the gun and smirking at once, holding the gun towards Cody's body and the panic just attacked me as I reached out for them but John knew that Edge would do it so he wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me close to his body, our bodies collided and my eyes were on them.

Edge threw Cody a knife.

Cody tried to get up but he was just so tired.

"Cut DiBiase's wrists."

Cody's eyes turned wide and he whipped his head towards me but all I can do was nod my head because I didn't want Edge to hurt them, to kill them, burn them on the inside—

They shouldn't suffer.

They were too young. Too hurt. Too brittle. Too fragile.

It hurt to watch.

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You look so tattered

Dead.

(Did anyone notice that you're not alive?)

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Cody's POV

My hands are shaking and my body trembles and my head's pounding and spinning and the knife is still in my hands and I don't want to do this. And I could just see myself as a person that breaks and hurts people and I just know I should've have liked him, then Edge wouldn't have turned me against him.

"Cut DiBiase's wrists."

It just haunts me.

I hold onto one of Ted's wrists and I put the knife close to his wrist and he stares at me, like he deserves it.

"Told it, Cody. You should do it…"

Memories of you and me, I'm around twelve years old and you're around fifteen and you say that you won't let anything happen to me if it kills you and it scares me to know how protective you are of me.

(Scares me.)

I slowly start to move the knife, digging softly into the flesh and just at the hint of blood, my head pounds harder and my heart bursts faster and I just want to die other than see this.

I don't want to see his blood.

I don't want to remember myself as the one that did this to him. That cut his own best friend's wrist.

Memories of you and me, I'm around thirteen years old and you're around sixteen years old and I tell you that Dustin doesn't do anything to me anymore but the nightmares still reside so you hold onto my shoulders and brings me close and now, being so close to him just makes sick thinking that he'll hurt me.

(They always hurt me.)

I feel the tears sting but they don't fall. I want to die. My hands are shaking and I don't think I can do it and I look at John's face who's just pale and rigid and Randy's is pained and hurt.

I know I should've resisted.

I should've.

I want to.

"Go deeper, Cody."

Ted's voice, Ted's urge, to be killed. It just makes my head spin so hard that the knife just flows out of my hand and the blood that's slowly thickly sickly running from his wrist—it just hurts me.

"Oh, Rhodes, go deep and do the other wrist!" Edge calls out.

I just don't know how to comprehend the thought. I could kill Ted with this knife. I could hurt him. And as I pick the knife, see the blood slowly drip from the tip, I lick my lips and I could taste his blood at my lips and I look back at Ted…hurt, pale, hurt dead inside… the Ted that used to hold me when I slept, the Ted that comforted me when I was insomniac, the Ted I used to gossip with…my Ted…

It just hurts.

Memories of you and me, I'm around fourteen years old and you're around seventeen years old and you tell me that you love me, then you take it back and crash my heart twice.

(No one will ever like me.)

As the memory over washes me, I just want to say one thing…

I want to tell him that I love him…I love him so very much that it hurts…

But I can't.

Because I've just gave in to Edge's need. He can't love me after this. He can't even like me after this. He should just kill me after this. I'd understand if he throws the knife inside of me.

I deserve it.

For the people I've broken.

John. Ted. Randy. My father for not telling him what was wrong with me when he needed to know the most.

I deserve to bleed.

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You're so broken.

Simply broken.

And you pay the price.

For being priceless.

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Ted's POV

The blood.

The flesh.

The pain.

It just hurt seeing all this happening and I knew that Edge was just a sadistic bastard and from Cody's eyes, I knew that he didn't want to do it. After he tried to slit one of my wrists, and after he picked up the knife, I put my hand out again so he can go deeper.

I deserved all of this for how I've hurt my Cody, for how I let him fall asleep without his teddy bear by his side.

He put the knife close to my wrist but then backed the knife away.

"I can't do this." He said in this softest voice ever.

"Nobody's wrists are slit," Edge sang in his bitter voice.

"No, you're wrong," Cody responded, taking the knife and ripping his own wrists out, so fast and so professionally, the blood dropped and his eyes were blurring with pain and horror and I watched as he fell onto my lap and I could see that his head was spinning and he was so very hurt.

I held his shoulder as he slept in my lap, clutching at my red t-shirt, and holding onto me, for I felt like I was the handful of hope for him in this world and as Edge nodded his head and walked back to his position, John and Randy raced towards me in shock.

"I just can't believe he'd do this," John said, running his fingers through his brittle hair. "He'd already hurt himself so many times."

"I should've been the one like this. But not Cody, never Cody," I almost whispered and John and Randy exchanged looks and they both had the same expression on their faces as they shook their heads.

"Don't you ever say that, Ted," even John cared for my safety.

I finally knew how it felt like to want suicide and it scared me. Knowing about what I could do to myself. Knowing that one time, I'd slit my own wrists so willingly, just out of fun. Knowing that I might actually burn myself alive just because of the horror that burned inside of me now.

Cody buried his face into my chest.

I knew that all he truly wanted was to be safe and I wanted to be safe too. But we were thrown into this dangerous game, and as he wrapped his arms around my neck and I knew that it was only for comfort and that he was so asleep that he didn't know what he was doing.

I made myself lay on the ground as he gripped tight around my neck. John and Randy were asleep. Randy's body over John's lap and I guessed this was just like that. Friendship comfort when we were asleep.

But feeling his breath on my face…

Hearing his heart flutter in his chest, so close to me…

I knew that was more than just friendship.

And I ruined it when I told the fourteen year old Cody that I loved him and I was seventeen and he was so shocked and appalled that I took it back and I tried to crush the thought of us being together since then.

I didn't want to hurt Cody.

Even if I had to hurt myself to protect him.

This was long…I just did this one today.

VERY long chapter...I wonder if I'll do anything this long again.

Ooh, long reviews, too? :P

;) Sam