Extra: Cheap-ass Christmas Interlude

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We open up at the front porch of the Manor. Piper, Phoebe, Bifi, Wyatt, Yours Truly, and a Certain Huge Chunk Of Ice With Dolt Filling are present. Phoebe and Teshik are opening a big box with humongous Christmas light chains in it. Piper watches scornfully, with her checklist at hand.

Piper: Step One: Complete. Continue with Step Two: Gape at the mess the husband left the lights last January. (She gapes, checks a box on her list). Leo! How could you leave them this entangled! This is awful! We might need hours to fix this! (checks another box on her list)

Leo: -FROZEN-

Teshik: (quiet, to Phoebe) Are we to acknowledge the fact Leo's a statue, or is this part of her medication-deprived hallucinations we'd better not disturb?

Phoebe: (to Teshik) I have no idea. And Dr. Loewenstein isn't answering my phone calls.

Teshik: Great. We're doomed. Why didn't you warn me before I came here?

Phoebe: Because I wanted to see you suffer just as I have to?

Teshik: Good Point. Who knew Leo's absence would let her go nuts so fast? She should really used to it, by now.

Phoebe: I think the reason Piper's so ticked is that Paige somehow disappeared, too.

Teshik: Oh. Actually, her absence is kind of my Hanukkah present to her.

Bifi: Really? What did you do?

-FLASH-

First Night of Hanukkah. Paige lights the candle in her window and discovers a note with something scribbled on it. Paige unfolds it and reads:

Paige? If you…

Paige: The hell? What's that supposed to mean?

Night Two. Another note at her Chanukkia.

…wanna get away…

Night Three.

…from your sister…

Night Four.

…the Christmas Ass…

Night Five.

…on December 25th,…

Night Six.

…just remember…

Night Seven.

…that you can…

Night Eight.

…fucking ORB, ya dim bitch.

Now beat it already.

-FLASH-

Bifi: At least that'ssss one mysssstery ssssolved.

Piper: Hey! Don't just stand there! Get the knots out of the light chains already! (turns to the chunk'o'ice) You too, Leo.

They start disentangling the cables.

Teshik: And I take the fact all these christmas lights are identical just add to the „fun", right?

Piper: Shush. Criticism of my script is not allowed before we check point 13.

Teshik: Is this just me, or is this getting an awful lot repepepetitititive?

Phoebe: Is it just me, or is this a result of you not getting off your fat ass and writing this crappy interlude in the very last minute?

Teshik: Uhhh…Remarkable idea with those lights, Piper! It's hilarious!

Piper: Wyatt, why don't you ask your father if he will start a Christmas Carol with us?

Wyatt: -STARES- (turns to Phoebe and Teshik) -STARES?-

Teshik: Oh, just go with it. Mommy's having an episode again.

The little menace -STARES- a shrug, then walks over to the Chunk of Ice…err, I mean his loving Daddy.

Wyatt: -STARES-

Leo: -FROZEN-

Wyatt: -STARES-

Leo: -FROZEN-

Wyatt: -STARES-

Leo: -FROZEN-

Teshik: Okay, this is getting too non-verbal over here.

Phoebe: I think the Psycho's winning.

Teshik: If the frozen Dolt bursts into song now, I am soo leaving.

Phoebe: You and me both.

Piper: Well, someone will burst into song, right now, or I'll get very pissed!

Teshik: Ooh, someone's not careful enough what she's wishing for here. Girls?

Phoebe: I'm in!

Bifi: Me too!

Teshik: Fine. Piper, all you ever wanted, in the worst possible way, coming right up.

He snaps his fingers.

Background Music: Perry Como - Frosty, the Snowman

Teshik: Dolty the Snowman
was a good, retarded soul
With a chimpy's face and a 'tatoes nose
Phoebe: Yeah, he ain't exactly Cole

Bifi: Dolty the Ssssnowman
issss a fairytale I ssssay
cuz' for all I care
only Chrissssty's there
and I'll resssscue her ssssomeday.

Piper: There must exist some magic
In that old Book Phoebe found
Once he's thawed I'll have my normal life
And begin to dance around!

Teshik: Dolty the Snowman
Frozen one too many times,
During pleasure time,
That oughta be a crime,
err…I need some shit that rhymes.

Piper: (not singing)
This is your last warning! Surrender your singing and apologise before I get violent!

Bifi, Phoebe and Teshik:
Piper, neurotic she can be
see her fuming along!
Off she goes on a murdering spree
During happy song!

(the three bail. Piper grabs a baseball bat with a nail in it and follows in hot pursuit.)

Bifi, Phoebe and Teshik:
Piper, Madwoman,
didn't take her meds today
So we say let's run
From Mrs No-no-fun
Now, before she blasts away!

Downtown in Frisco
With a batstick in her hands
Running here and there all around the square
Come on, catch us if you can!

(Wyatt confirms no one is watching him. He ahems, and begins to sing, in a deep bass voice)

Wyatt:

She chased them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop

Darryl: -Fweet-

And they never paused a moment when
They heard her holler

Piper: Stop! -Fwoomp-

(Phoebe and Teshik continue to run, but Bifi, lagging behind, freezes)

Wyatt: Phoebe and Teshik
had to hurry on their way

Phoebe and Teshik: cuz we fear her wrath
worse than Alcatraz
better you than us today!


(Piper begins beating Bifi into a bloody pulp)

-Thumpety thump thump-
-Thumpety thump thump-
Phoebe and Teshik: Look at Piper go
-Thumpety thump thump-
-Thumpety thump thump-
Phoebe and Teshik: Coloring the hills of snow!

---

Phoebe and Teshik run a little further, confirm they're not followed anymore, and stop behind a corner.

Phoebe: So, Bifi's dead. I guess -huff- Santa's being nice to you this year. -huff-

Teshik: Meh. -huff- She'll resurrect. After all, that's what -huff- you've been doing every time I killed you.

Phoebe: True. (pause) What are we gonna do while Piper's clobbering the Retard's body into mush?

Teshik: Hm…Christmas at Starbuck's?

Phoebe: I'd love to.

Teshik: Good, because you are going to do the paying part.

Phoebe: You're an ass.

Teshik: Only the best for you, darling.

They walk off.

---

Cut to Downtown Minneapolis. Oh wait. I mean: Hell. Those two are so easy to confuse. Anyway, a certain damned soul with a sideways mouth and maggot chin materializes. She is greeted by a big, looming figure, its hood masking its face entirely.

Voice: GREETINGS, PUNY MORTAL!

Bifi: Eep! Who a-are you?

Sourcie: Well, I am the Source Of All Evil. But just call me Sourcie, it's shorter. All my enemies are calling me that. (pause) Well, until newtocharmed1 sues Teshik for copyright infringement, that is.

Bifi: O…kay. Err…can you tell me how I landed here and how to get away again? I mean, I don't want to inssssult you, Misssster, Minnessssota is wonderful at thissss time of year, but…

Sourcie: -sighs- I really need to put up a sign or something. Bifi, this is not Downtown Minneapolis. You're dead, and in Hell. You're damned, abandon all hope ye who enter here, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah.

Bifi: I'm dead? Oh nooesssss! What will I do now!

Sourcie: Eh. Suffering in quiet would be nice.

Bifi: Waaaaaahahahahaaaaaa! I wanna sssselebrate Christmassss!

Sourcie: Oh come on, stop that! You'll cave in the ceiling, and I just had those Stalactites freshly installed!

Bifi: WAAAAAH!

The ceiling begins to rumble ominously.

Sourcie: Oh, all right already. (silently) Geesh. The things I have to do for a living…

Bifi: -snif- Huh?

Background Music: South Park, Mr Hanky's Christmas Classics: Christmas Time in Hell

(Hint: Searching "Christmas Hell South Park" on youtube will get you the video)

Sourcie: Tell you what,
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here.
C'mon everyone, gather round!

(starts singing)

String up the lights and light up the tree
We're going to make some revelry
Spirits are high, so I can tell
It's Christmas time in Hell!

Demons are nicer as you pass them by
There's lots of demon toys to buy
The snow is falling and all is well
It's Christmas time in Hell!

There goes good old Masselin,
With his fan club of girlies,
After he has sex with them,
he'll eat their souls, with glee.

And there goes Jenny Gordon,
Caroling with Uncle Dan,
Dan and Jenny: Reunited for the holidays
Fans curse us, everyone!

Sourcie: Everybody has a happy glow
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow
Even the Woogeyman is under the spell
It's Christmas time in Hell!

Sourcie: Bifi, here's a present for you.
Bifi: Blond Hair Root dye? Aww. You sssshouldn't have.
Sourcie: You're right. I really shouldn't.

Sourcie: God cast me down from Heaven's door
To rule in Hell forevermore
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell
'Cause It's Christmas time in Hell!

Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
We still have to shop for Dantalian!
Even Barbas rotten teeth look swell,
It's Christmas time in Hell!

There's Miss Prudence Halliwell
Holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Cole Turner's head
Just watch his weenie grow!

For one day we all stop burning
And the flames are not so thick
All the screaming and the torture stops
As we wait for old Saint Nick!

So string up the lights and light up the tree
We're damned for all eternity
But for just one day all is well
It's Christmas time in Hell!

We've got to toast together, and make it quick!
We've gotta make room for Kern, the dick.
Wake Boss Spelling, and ring the bell

It's Christmas time,
Christmas time,

It's Christmas time in hell!

---

That's it for today.

Merry Christmas, you Motherfuckers!

As with last year, heavy greetings and/or apologies for mentioning to:

alexias, angel23, booklad, brittania, CaffieneFired, CharmedLilAngel, charmingaussie, crazydude123, DeliriumTremens, Demian, DiePhoebeDie, Esmeralda, F, S, and little Jay, hazza123, JustEs, le fabuleux, LeosSON, Maracev1, merlynn, Missing Whisper, Nancy T., newtocharmed1, payndz, phoenix193, PippaX (or one of her gazillion aliases), rallygal, rduffy24, redbirds, RockerChild, sailorwind, Sara Wolfe, shanta, Shraddha, simplypoo83, Sooner Charmed, Summer16, The Done One, thelephant, Tim, TwinSwords, vaguely amused, and those 23 people I forgot about just now.

Dear Trey Parker and Matt Stone: Apologies for shamelessly ripping of yet another of your South Park songs. It will certainly happen again, I promise.

Dear People of Wham! : I still hate you for that damn song.

Dear Minneapolitans: It wasn't anything personal.
(Hm. There's a pizza joke in here somewhere.)

Dear Anal-Retentive Readers: If I find just one of you remarking in a review that's Prue's name is not Prudence, I will not only kill you all violently, I will also sic the Retard on you afterwards.