Long lost & gone
Chapter 14
"You're good with her."
Cooper was feeding Miranda, Jenna had asked her to babysit her niece and she had asked Coop to join the party. Miranda had woken up ten minutes ago, screaming her lungs out for food, Coop had taken her out of her crib to comfort her while she had prepared a bottle for her, they were a good team.
Cooper looked away from Miranda's face to lock his eyes with hers "My wife and I tried to have a baby so we went to all this parenting classes even before she got pregnant but then she got sick and we never had our baby..." she could see the hurt in his eyes, the hurt that came with losing his wife, losing his unborn child, losing his future.
"I bet you would make a great dad." she gave him a little smile.
"Do you ever think about having children?" he turned his head away again to see the baby in his arms sucking her bottle empty eagerly and she could see that there was a smile on his face.
"Vampires can't procreate." she remembered Damon saying those words to her the first time they were in Georgia.
Cooper looked up, shaking his head "That's not what I asked."
She sighed defeated, knowing she couldn't avoid the question "When I was younger, I always thought that I would be a mom someday, I wanted to be, I wanted a family, a dog, the house with the white picket fence but I knew I had to give that up when I fell in love with a vampire."
Cooper nodded "Do you ever think about starting a new life? Fall in love with a human? Marry a human? Be a mom?"
How many times she had thought about it, removing the vampires out of her life so she would have the life she dreamed of when she was a teenager, her husband that came home from work and kissed her on the cheek, her children that needed help with their homework, the cat that was stroking her leg, begging for food, the dog that would be running in the yard, chasing a bird. But every time she pictured herself waking up, holding her son while feeling her daughter pressed against her back, she felt this need to turn around because she still felt the emptiness in her chest, she would turn around and look at her husband, seeing some stranger she had created in her mind holding their daughter, pressed against her daddy's chest. She would watch them while she felt her son resting on her chest. Her husband would wake up and together with the opening of his eyes the stranger would disappear and ocean blue eyes would lock with hers, his hair would become black and the face would become all to familiared. The emptiness in her chest would disappear together with the children in their bed.
"That's not an option." she looked at the hands in her lap, not able to look at the man in front of her, not able to let him read the expression on her face.
"Do you ever wish he was human?" she was still looking down but she heard Cooper's voice, full of sorrow.
She shrugged "I wouldn't have met him if he was human, he would have died a long time ago."
"But if you stay with him you'll become a vampire too, do you want to live forever, do you really want to lose your human life?" she could hear the questioning in his voice, not understanding that she wanted to become a monster.
She looked up again, to see the baby in his arms asleep, sucking her thumb "Becoming a vampire isn't a sacrifice, of course there will be the bloodlust, the heightened emotions but I'm only gaining things, I'll live forever with him, I'll have forever to be with him, I'll have forever to experience everything with him, I'll be able to love him forever." she bored her eyes into his "Can't you see that there are more positive aspects to it than negative ones ?"
Cooper was still not convinced, she could see it in his eyes "But what if something happens to him or to you? You'll live forever without him, you'll be alone in the world, all your friends will be dead except for Caroline, but what if something happens to her too?"
She placed her hand on his arm, trying to calm him down, to make him stop worrying "If Damon dies, I'll be right behind him."
She could see shock taking over his worried face, his eyes staring at her like she was the most insane person he had ever met. She could see him opening his mouth to try to talk some sense into her but before the first word had left his mouth they could hear the backdoor unlock.
Jenna and Alaric walked in, Jenna leaning on her husband and giggling like a twelve year old schoolgirl, obviously drunk. They came towards the couch and their eyes instantly locked on their beautiful baby in Coop's arms.
Jenna stroked her daughter's cheek but leaned on the back of the couch to stay up. Alaric noticed and put his arms around her "Come on, let's get you upstairs." she snuggled into his side and let him pull her up the stairs.
Cooper and Elena followed them with Miranda in Cooper's arms, still asleep. She could see how Jenna stumbled on the stairs and how Alaric always held her up, she could see the love radiating from them.
"I love you." the words cut through her like a knife when Jenna spoke them, she wanted someone to share that with too, to hold her up when she was about to fall, to take care of her when she had been stupid enough to get drunk. She felt the knife cut deeper when Alaric whispered in her aunt's ear "I love you too."
Cooper looked at her, aware of the couple in front of them, knowing that she had heard it too. He rubbed her arm and held Miranda with the other one.
She leaned closer to him "Is it so wrong for me to want that too?" she held back her tears and looked at Cooper.
He just pulled his arm around her shoulders, holding her tight against his body, not knowing what to say.
"Elena."
She turned back around when hearing Alaric's voice calling her name, Cooper closed the door again and put his car keys back in his pocket.
Alaric walked towards them, slightly nervous "Can I talk to you?" his voice didn't sound steady and his gaze switched between her and Cooper.
She nodded "Sure." and looked at Cooper.
He smiled at her and pulled the door open again "I'll wait in the car." he tried to leave before he was called back.
"Actually, if you don't mind, I'll drive her home." Alaric looked at Cooper, begging him with his eyes to make this not more uncomfortable.
Cooper looked at her and she nodded, she was nervous about this but she knew Alaric wouldn't hurt her, he had saved her so many times that she trusted him with her life.
Cooper left and pulled the door closed behind him, leaving Elena and Alaric on their own with an awkward silence. Alaric turned around and went in the kitchen, motioning for her to follow him.
She pulled a chair from under the table and sat on it, seeing Alaric pull open the liquor cabinet to pour himself a drink "I thought you would be the one coming home wasted." she smiled at him, trying to light up the atmosphere.
He smiled at her, grateful for trying "I think that part of me died with Damon." he shrugged but she could see the flinch in his eyes.
She gave him a small smile, knowing that she wasn't the only one missing him "I miss him too." she had never told anyone besides Caroline and Cooper, everyone was so glad he was gone that it never crossed their mind that somebody could miss him.
He nodded, knowing "He took a part of you with him too, didn't he?" he kept his eyes on the kitchen counter, not turning around to face her, pouring himself another drink and taking it down in one gulp.
Her heart squeezed together, remembering her that he had taken a part with him, a big part, only a small part was left behind to keep her body alive "Yeah, he did." she wasn't going to deny it, not when she had already admitted missing him.
Alaric put his glass down but kept staring at the kitchen counter "I figured it out after he was gone, I replayed every single moment with him in my head, trying to understand where he decided to leave, trying to figure out if he had given me any indication why he left." she could hear him sigh "That's when I put the pieces together, I tried to remember the weeks before the fight, the months before the fight, trying to remember what had changed. At first I didn't pay much attention to it but there was one thing that changed, one thing that disappeared."
He stopped talking and poured himself another drink. She sat on the chair, afraid of what he was going to say, afraid that someone else knew, afraid that they had been more obvious than they had thought. But she couldn't help herself, she had never heard this story, she wanted to hear this story "What disappeared?"
Alaric let out a hard laugh and sighed before turning around to face her "The sorority girls did." he walked towards the chair in front of her and sat down "His distractions disappeared, there would always be some girl, someone he was using but after the last distraction didn't come another one."
She didn't know what to answer, knowing where this was going, not wanting to talk about it again, not wanting to rip her soul out again.
"I remember this girl that was hitting on him, she was hot so I didn't understand why he didn't pay attention to her like he usually did." he blushed "But then he received a text and he told the girl that he had someone to go home too, I thought that he was kidding, that he was just blowing her off but then he thanked me for giving you an A on that history test and left."
"An A, huh?"
"Damon, you scared me." she turned around and slapped his chest, seeing him lie next to her in the bed, his hands behind his head and his shirt removed.
"You're just never paying attention." he pulled his hands from behind his head and rolled on his side to grab her waist and pull her body against his.
"I just wasn't expecting you, I told you that I was exhausted, you should have stayed at the grill with Alaric." she grabbed his hand on her stomach and intertwined their fingers, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb, not believing a word she told him, she wanted him here, she was glad he was here.
She felt him placing a kiss on the back of her neck "You're much prettier than him." he smiled against the side of her face and she couldn't do anything else but turn around to see it.
He let her turn around before putting his arms back around her and holding her against his body, she snuggled into the crook of his neck, closing her eyes and trying to fall asleep before she heard his voice again.
"Where is Stefan?"
She pulled her head back to look at him "He's out with Tyler, he won't be back before midnight."
"Ugh, being friends with the werewolf, I don't get it." she saw the disgust on his face and couldn't do anything but laugh.
"I know, I wouldn't be in bed at 4 pm if Tyler had been there to take Caroline to the gym, she doesn't get that I'm human and I can't keep rowing for hours." she sighed, feeling her whole body sore because of the exercise Caroline had put her through.
He chuckled and she slapped him again "I'm sorry but why would you go to the gym with a vampire?" his laugh filled the room and she couldn't do anything else but laugh with him, the sound was so beautiful and he looked so free, no worries on his face, no vampires in the area that made him go in protective mode, it was just him and her in the empty room with the sound of freedom surrounding them.
"Because she's my friend, I don't expect you to understand, you don't have any friends." she was still laughing with him, still enjoying the sound that came out of his mouth.
"Ouch.." he put his hand on his heart " You wound me deeply." it didn't stop him from laughing though.
She grabbed his head, pulling it down to her mouth and pressed her lips on his, feeling them answer immediately to her touch she grabbed his hair and put her leg over his waist, holding him captive with her body. He nibbled on her lower lip, pushing his tongue against it, demanding entrance, she opened her mouth and extended her tongue to meet his in the middle, fighting for dominance. Knowing she wouldn't win, she pulled her head back, leaving his lips in a pout "Feeling better?"
The pout disappeared and his lips formed a smile "You're such a tease Ms. Gilbert."
"Is that what your friends say about me?" she looked at him, seeing his eyes narrow.
"Now, I'm going to punish you." he grabbed her and started tickling her sides, sitting on top of her so she couldn't squirm her way out of his hold.
"Please stop!" her screams filled the room and mixed again with his laughs "Everything hurts."
He stopped and let her breathing even before giving her a soft kiss "I may not have any friends, but I have you." he stared into her eyes, his laugh was gone and his face was serious again.
She stared into his eyes and cupped his face with her hands, stroking his cheek "You have me." she nodded to emphasize her words.
He kissed her palm and pulled her hand from his cheek to roll over and lie next to her "You should get some sleep, you're exhausted."
"You can go back to the grill if you want too." her voice sounded desperate, not convincing because she wanted to keep him here.
He rolled onto his side again and pulled her body against his, placing her leg over his waist and throwing her arm on his back, letting his own rest on hers "Elena." he sounded frustrated, almost mad "I want to be here, just let me be here."
She was too tired to argue, too tired to do anything so she placed her head in the crook of his neck and felt his breathing on the side of her face, her eyes closed and she could feel sleep taking over her.
"I love you."
She fell asleep, feeling his body stiffen against her but too late to register it.
"I met him at the bar right after school so you couldn't have told him in the boardinghouse you had an A on that test. You texted it to him, but why would you do that? That's when it all made sense, he wasn't kidding, he didn't need the distractions anymore because he found the real thing, you were the one he was going home to." Alaric's voice was soft, not accusing her, just telling her that he knew, he knew that she had cheated on her fiancé.
"Did you tell Jenna?" her aunt would have freaked out if she knew, she had never been a big fan of Damon but if she knew that he had been the one that she cheated with on her husband, she would never forgive her.
"Of course not, we both know how she would have reacted. Besides she's Team Stefan all the way." Alaric smiled at her, telling her with that smile that he wasn't.
"Why did you tell me now if you've known for a while?" she looked up again, trying to make her voice sound steady.
"Because I heard what you said to Cooper, it's not wrong to want that too, you deserve it, you deserve to have a baby with a husband who loves you. I know it's not possible with Stefan but it's not too late, you can still back out." Alaric took her hand that was lieing on the table and gave it a squeeze.
Without realizing it, he had just offered her a way out, a way that Stefan would hopefully accept, a way that had been right in front of her but she had not seen until now, a way that was a baby step closer to the place she belonged.
"Alaric, can you drive me home please?" she squeezed his hand back and gave him a small smile, telling him that she was done with this conversation.
"Of course, let's get you home."
She entered the boardinghouse, seeing the candles on the floor that made a path through the hallway and parlor. She followed it, knowing that she wasn't going to like what she would find.
"I thought that I would make us some dinner, enjoy the last free evening of our engagement, we're not going to be able to do something romantic during the rehearsal dinner tomorrow." Stefan put the fruit bowl down with the whipped cream next to it, his intentions couldn't have been more obvious.
She put her bag down and lifted her hands up "Stefan, we need to talk."
He nodded and pulled a chair out from under the table "We can talk during dinner." he motioned for her to sit down but she shook her head.
"I rather stand while doing this." her voice was steady, sure.
He pushed the chair back and leaned on it "Okay, what's on your mind?"
"I want children." she crossed her arms over her chest.
She saw him flinch but he recovered quickly "We will adopt."
She shook her head, knowing he would suggest it, she had already found an answer "I want children of my own."
She saw doubt washing over his face "Okay, if that's what you want we'll go to sperm bank and choose a donor that resembles me, people won't know it, they'll think it's my child."
She shuddered at the thought, picturing the blond children with green eyes in her head, replacing her beautiful son with straight black hair and ocean blue eyes, removing the vision of her daughter with the long black curls and the same eyes, she couldn't let that happen "No, I don't want some strangers children."
"Than what do you want Elena?" he pushed himself up and came closer, leaning against the wall.
"I want to carry the children of my husband, I want to feel them kicking my tummy and experience that moment with my husband." she shook her head "I don't want this wedding Stefan, I don't want you to be my husband."
Anger came over his face and his hands clawed into fists "You promised me you would marry me, you promised me that we would put this all behind us."
She made her voice soft, innocent, trying to calm him down so he wouldn't hurt her like last time he freaked out "I know and you know I never broke a promise before, but I've been spending a lot of time with Miranda and it made me realize that I want that too." she took a step back, trying to get more space between her body and his.
She saw the hurt on his face, because he couldn't do anything about this, he wasn't human so he couldn't give her the children she wanted but that didn't keep him from being selfish "You can't do this to me, not after six years, I forgave you for Damon but you can't tell me that you haven't thought about this earlier."
She flinched hearing his name and the pain in her chest made it presence known again, remembering her that she was still broken, that she shouldn't try to play the hero "Stefan, I'm so sorry. I just can't do this, we'll talk about this later, you need some time to think about this."
Grabbing her bag from the ground, she turned around and made her way towards Damon's bedroom, leaving her ex-fiancé behind.
Coming out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her body, she walked into the bedroom feeling free for the first time in six years.
That quickly changed when her eyes locked with the brown ones sitting on the bed.
"What are you doing here?" her voice sounded harsh, uninviting.
"Stefan called me, telling me that you changed your mind about marrying him because suddenly you want to be a mom." her eyes were boring into hers, reminding her that they weren't friends anymore.
"Yes, little Miranda changed my mind about children." she tried to sound convincing but she failed miserably.
"Bullshit Elena, we both know that there is only one reason why you are backing out on him." the witch stood up from the bed and placed herself right in front of her.
She didn't answer her and pushed her out of the way to get to the closet.
"You won't have any children with Damon, but that's not going to stop you from marrying him, is it?" she still had her back turned towards Bonnie and made no move to change that.
"Damon isn't for the whole marriage thing." she shrugged, not interested in this conversation.
"You're going to marry Stefan." Bonnie sounded sure of herself, no doubt in her voice.
She turned around, placing her clothes on the bed "You're wrong Bonnie, I'm going to marry some human guy and get a bunch of kids with him, maybe even twins, wouldn't that be nice?" she sounded so arrogant that she was taken aback by it herself.
Bonnie let out a hard laugh "No you won't, because after you hear this, you'll do exactly as I say for the rest of your eternal life." she crossed her arms in front of her chest and tapped her foot on the floor.
She locked her gaze with the witch and waved her hands in the air "WHOO, has the big bad witch found a new spell that will change me into a frog for the rest of eternity if I don't do what she says?" she turned around again, laughing , searching for a jeans to wear.
Bonnie let out a hard laugh "No but it will make Damon dead for the rest of eternity."
She turned around again, feeling her heart squeezing, feeling the pain in her chest flowing through her whole body, feeling every nerve in her body screaming for him, screaming for his safety "Why would you want him dead? He's gone, he didn't come back, he thinks I'm dead."
"Oh dear Elena, I never thought you would become a liar." the witch's eyes were hard, not even resembling the kind friend she ever was.
"What are you talking about?" she was thrown of her game, she was out of smart answers and the only thing that was left, was her protection mode, the one that automatically appeared whenever he was in danger.
"I know who killed Jeremy." she heard the words and her knees gave out, collapsing to the floor and trying to lean against the bedside with the witch bending over her.
She couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't believe that her whole plan hadn't worked, that he wasn't safe like she had thought, that she had spend the last year miserable for no reason.
"I must admit it took me awhile to figure it out, you were smart to remove all his belongings but there is one thing you couldn't hide, that made me figure it out." she sat down on the bed before looking down at her "The bite mark on your shoulder, I thought that the vampire tried to attack you but then I remembered there weren't any bruises or scars on your body, you would have tried to protect yourself, you would have fought him but everything was in place so that bite could only have gotten there one way. Stefan was out of town so he couldn't have placed a fresh bite mark on your shoulder and when you couldn't describe the vampire that killed him I got only more suspicious. But I only figured it out in Richmond, Caroline told us you were attacked by three vampires but that you had managed to stake them, you and Cooper are human, you would have never been able to overpower them, not in the condition you were in. So there was someone that was able to kill them all, that was strong enough to do it, there was someone that took you to the hospital, someone that warned Caroline before us, there was someone there that would give his life protecting you, someone that was never mentioned because you would give your life protecting him."
Elena was still sitting on the floor, trying to get up but feeling her knees give out from under her every time she tried. Her breathing was heavy and she stared into Bonnie's eyes like she had gone mad.
Bonnie stood up and pulled the door open "You'll marry Stefan, you'll never see Damon again or I swear I'll track him down and kill him, this time he'll be dead for real. A lover for a lover, it's only fair." she closed the door behind her, leaving her once best friend on the floor gasping for air.
"Twins?" she looked up to see her second nightmare standing in the room, she hoped that this is what it was, a nightmare.
"How long have you been standing there Stefan?" her voice sounded exhausted, breathless.
"Long enough to know that I'm still competing with my brother." his voice sounded hard, betrayed.
"Stefan, I never wanted to hurt you. You've been good to me, we were good together." her voice broke, indicating how scared she was of him in the moment.
"That's the reason we should marry, we are good together. No, we are perfect together, made for each other." he stepped closer to her, towering over her.
"Stefan, you don't want to marry me. I will never love you again, maybe I did when I was 17 but I stopped loving you a long time ago." she was still sitting on the floor, still trying to catch her breath.
He shook his head, trying to digest her words before his face became hard again "How can you love him so much?"
"I said it, didn't I?"
She was standing in the parlor, wearing one of his button up shirts, her legs exposed and her hair hanging around her face, draped on her shoulders like silk curtains.
He didn't answer and kept staring into the fire, a glass of bourbon in his hand, his chest bare and a black jeans hanging loosely around his hips.
"It wasn't a dream?" her voice was a whisper but she knew he would hear, vampire hearing came in handy sometimes.
He didn't turn around and kept sitting on the coffee table in front of the fire, staring in it "No, it wasn't a dream."
She had figured that out when she woke up alone, feeling the cold space next to her, but she just wanted to make sure.
"I meant it." she made her way towards the coffee table and sat down on it, facing the other wall, she could feel the fire on her left side warming her legs.
He didn't acknowledge her movement and kept staring into the fire "You shouldn't mean it." his voice sounded hard but she could trace the sadness behind it.
"It scares you." it wasn't a question, it was a statement, she knew how scared he was to love someone, to be loved by someone.
When he didn't answer she went to sit behind him and put her arms around his body, placing her head on his shoulder and her legs resting besides her "I love you."
She felt him stiffen again, not able to process her words "Shh, don't say that."
Wanting to push him, wanting him to understand the words, wanting him to know that she meant them "I love you."
"What about Stefan?" she heard the smugness in his voice, wanting to hurt her so she would run away and leave him alone.
But she couldn't do that, not when he was her whole world, not when he had become the air she breathed, not when he had filled her whole heart with his being.
"If I had truly loved Stefan, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you." she placed a kiss on his shoulder, letting him know that she was sure of her words.
He relaxed in her arms and his head turned to the side "I don't know how to love someone." his voice sounded broken, begging, begging her to understand that he had never done this, that he had never given himself fully to anyone. He had shared his body with hundreds of women but he had always kept his heart locked to them, he had never shared his soul with them.
She gave him a peck on his cheek and traced patterns on his chest with her fingers "I know this scares you and I know you're afraid of it, but so am I."
He grabbed the hand that was tracing patterns on his stomach and held it in his "Why are you scared?"
She looked over his shoulders at their intertwined hands, holding onto each other because they needed the other ones comfort "If anyone would hurt you or try to take you away from me, I don't know what I would do, I wouldn't be able to control myself, I would kill them Damon, I don't trust myself when it comes to loving you, it goes through my whole body, every nerve, every vein, every heartbeat and every breath is aware of you."
"What if I'm the one that hurts you?" he turned his head away from her and locked his gaze back on the fire.
"Then I would throw things at you, maybe even put vervain in all your bourbon but I would forgive you, you would have to beg me first but I know I'll forgive you." she snuggled her chin into the crook of his neck, claiming the space there that was only reserved for her.
"What if I lose it again? What if someone walks in while we have one of our famous arguments? Not everybody has a special ring that brings them back to life, next time it could be Jenna or worse you." she felt him breathing increase and the grip on her hand tighten, channeling his anger through his body.
"Damon, I'd rather you kill me than not taking this risk and live the rest of my life without you." she whispered, afraid how he would react to those words, afraid that he would push her away.
He shook his head and she could hear him speak between clenched teeth "You can't just say stuff like that Elena, it makes me want to kill you."
She didn't know how to answer him so she pressed her nose deeper into the side of his neck, inhaling his scent, giving him time to calm down, giving him time to take a decision, giving him time to realize that he wanted to take this risk.
"What if I'll never learn how to love someone?" she could hear the doubt in his voice, doubting that he could ever love someone, doubting that he could ever be loved.
"Then that's okay." she pulled her arm back and started stroking his hair, letting her other hand rest in his.
He shook his head again and let out a growl "That's not okay Elena."
She pressed a kiss against the side of his face, letting him know that it would be okay, that she would take care of it "Yes it will be."
He turned his head around to lock his eyes with hers, she could see the remorse in them, the doubt that came with opening yourself up to someone, the fear that came with loving someone.
"Because I will love enough for the both of us."
"Because I promised him I would love enough for the both of us." she let out a chuckle, thinking that the love in her heart was enough to cover the love for a thousand people.
She heard her ex-fiancé sigh "You were so wrong, how can you be so naive?"
She stood up, finding the strength again to defend herself, to make sure she got out of this alive "I was wrong because I fell in love with Damon?"
Suddenly she was pressed against the wall, her body aching from the impact "For thinking that he could ever love you back, for thinking that you would be better off with him, for cheating on me, for turning your back on me, for loving someone that wasn't me."
Tears were falling down her face, blurring her vision and the lump in her throat prevented her from speaking.
His eyes were boring into hers, black veins appearing around them "Can't you see that I just want your heart, just give me your heart."
She knew that it wasn't smart to challenge him but her body had shut off her emotions, preventing herself from being hurt "I can't give you my heart, Damon took it with him."
The pressure on her arms increased and the blood flow in her arms was closed "I'll find him, Bonnie will help me and when I find him I'll drive a stake through his heart myself."
She laughed at him, not able to hold it back, she looked straight into his eyes "And how would you do that? You eat bunnies for Christ's sake."
She felt her body being thrown across the room, slamming into the glass table against it, the shards puncturing her skin and the blood flowing onto the carpet.
She knew she was going to pass out from the blood loss but she had to do one thing first, with her last strength she crawled to her bag on the bed, pulling it to the ground and searching her phone in it.
She unfolded it and searched for the number, when she found it she put the phone to her ear, feeling herself drifting away slowly.
"Hello." the voice sounded like music to her ears.
"Caroline, you need to do something for me."