Title: The Captain, part 14/15
Author: Becominglight
Rating: M
Category: Romance, Angst
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Janeway/Seven
Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.
Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…
Part 14
She beamed aboard the ship. There stood Tuvok and Chakotay by the Captain's side and she looked at them fondly. What she wanted to do was take them in her arms but she knew that to them, she was the intruder, the outsider so she contented herself with a warm hello. The Captain looked less than amused and guided her to her ready room. She could just imagine what she would be thinking, the way her mind would be ticking over the many what's and why's. It gave her a certain advantage because she knew exactly what to say - she knew that the promise of a way home was the Achilles heel, that the Captain could not but comply.
She submitted to the Doctor's tests and he quickly established that she was indeed who she said she was. It was as she was sitting on the biobed, amused to watch the Doctor and Captain pouring over her scan, that Seven entered the room. She slipped to the ground, her heart jumping in her chest.
"Hello, Seven." She said.
Seven paused scanning her warily up and down and nodded before moving over to the Captain. Transfixed, she allowed herself to feel the sensation of relief pour through her body. Seven wasn't dead. After all these years, she wasn't dead. She'd known it, she just hadn't quite believed it. She watched Seven move, an achingly familiar sight, one ingrained from years of quiet observation, of stolen glances, of suppressed desire, within the walls of this very ship. The sight of her was like breathing fresh air, it was a weight off her chest, an expansion, a switch flicked. Suddenly everything was alright.
The Captain casually accepted the pad, scanning the data Seven had accumulated from Janeway's shuttle. Janeway envied her ignorance, the way she so casually interacted with her, unaware how precious this moment was. Then the Captain agreed; they would move forward with her plan and then Seven was gone and Janeway forced herself not to follow her out with her eyes. Or to follow her out of sickbay and pull her into her arms and breath her in.
Janeway felt lighter than she had in years. Standing on the bridge, working with her crew once more, even if it was under her own watchful eye. It felt good. And right. It felt like home. When Seven was on the bridge she allowed herself a luxury she never had as a captain, she would watch her. Watch her gracefully move about, the way her neck arched as she viewed the consol, the way her hands danced over the keys, the pensive eyes that would fall to the Captain and the way her eyes would brighten imperceptibly, briefly before returning to her work. Sometimes she would look at Janeway and a look of confusion would cross her brow at being observed so overtly. Janeway would smile and look away. It is a strange thing to meet one's younger self and stranger still to feel jealousy. She had known intellectually that Seven would not see beneath the aged exterior, the atrophied soul and recognise the woman that had been, but still it stung to see love in Seven's eyes directed at someone else, she who acknowledged it, who treasured it, unlike the Captain who was oblivious even as she gravitated to her, gently resting her arm on the small of Seven's back, their bodies almost touching as she leaned over the consol to see Seven's work. How she ached to be able to do that once more.
They had re-entered the Borg infested nebular. They had deployed the shielding and destroyed the attacking Borg cubes. And then the Captain had pulled out. They had come across the network of tunnels, the hub of Borg territory and in frustratingly predictable style the Captain wanted to destroy it. Janeway stood to the side as the senior officers debated the subject in astronomics.
"This is a waste of time." She finally interjected, her patience worn thin. "The shielding for the mani-folds are regulated from the central nexus by the Queen herself. You might be able to damage one of them, maybe two but by the time you moved on to the third, she'd adapt."
"There might be a way to bring them down simultaneously." The Captain said
"From where, inside the hub? Voyager would be crushed like a bug."
"What about taking the conduit back to the Alpha quadrant and then destroying the structure from the other side?" Chakotay interjected.
"The hub is here. There is nothing in the Alpha Quadrant except exit apertures. While you're all standing around dreaming up fantasies tactical scenarios, the Queen is studying her readouts of our armour and weapons and she's probably got the entire collective working on a way to counteract them. So take this ship back into the nebular and go home before it's too late."
The Captain's eyes were trained on her and she knew she'd reached a dangerous place with her. "Find a way to destroy that hub. Let's take a walk." She said and signalled for Janeway to follow her. Had she really been that bossy?
They entered the corridor, the Captain marching along briskly. "I wanna know why you didn't tell me about this." She said, pissed off.
"Because I remember how stubborn and self righteous I used to be. I figured you might try to do something stupid."
"We have the opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives."
"I didn't spend ten years figuring out a way to get Voygaer home only to have you throw it away on an inter-galactic good will mission." It really would be an irony to be defeated not by the Queen but by herself.
"I think we should go back to sickbay."
"Why so you can have me sedated?" Janeway said drily.
"So that I can the Doctor re-confirm you identity. I refuse to believe that I'll ever become as cynical as you." The Captain turned to face her, pulling herself up to her full height. Interesting. Janeway had known who she'd find when she came through that rift. Of course for the Captain she was discovering a potential future self and it would seem she didn't like who she saw.
"Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Seven years ago you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead you destroyed it." She watched to see if a chink in the armour would appear. They both knew, of course, just how much it affected them, this choice they had made, but the Captain kept it well hidden.
"I did what I knew was right." The Captain said and perhaps she did believe that.
"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again."
"You got Voyager home. Which means I will too. If that means it takes a few more years…" the Captain began and Janeway could see it was a loosing battle. She didn't have time for this, didn't have time to be arguing with her younger, idealistic self, not when the consequences would be so dire. She didn't care if the Captain didn't want to hear it, she would tell her.
"Seven of Nine is going to die."
The effect was instant. The Captain's voice was still and the shock palatable.
"What?" she whispered.
Janeway felt compassion for herself in that moment, seeing the devastation ripple over her features. "Three years from now she will be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager and die in the arms of her husband."
The second bombshell fell on the Captain. She remembered that she'd been deep in denial at this point, she'd refused to acknowledge what it was she was feeling, telling herself that it just wasn't possible. With two sentences she could see she had shattered the Captain's carefully constructed reasoning.
"Her husband?"
"Chakotay . He'll never be the same after Seven's death. And neither will you." She gave that last sentence weight, willing her to understand just what this meant. The Captain moved off, needing respite from the intensity of her own stare.
"If I know what is going to happen then I can avoid it..." She began
"Seven isn't the only one. Between this day and the day I got Voyager home I lost twenty-two crew members. And then of course there is Tuvok."
"What about him?"
"You're forgetting the temporal prime directive, Captain."
"To hell with it." The Captain snapped.
"Fine. Tuvok has a degenerative nureological condition he hasn't told you about. There is a cure in the Alpha Quandrant. But if he doesn't get it in time… Even if you alter Voyager's rout, limit your contact with alien species you are going to loose people. But I am offering you the chance to get them all home safe and sound. Today. Are you really going to walk away from that?"
She looked at herself, saw the struggle behind those pale blue eyes and hoped that she wouldn't have to pull her younger self kicking and screaming back to Earth. Yes, she had lied, yes she had been cagy and reticent to share more knowledge than was necessary but only because she knew herself, knew how stubborn, pig-headed and obstinate she could be. She also knew what would happen if the Captain didn't take this opportunity. She would end up like her and quite frankly, she didn't much care for who she'd become. She was doing herself, her crew and their families the biggest favour she could think of. She was giving them a chance at happiness.
It wasn't until she saw how the crew gathered around the Captain, the belief, the shining admiration, their willingness to stick together and find a way to do the right thing that she realised something. She'd lost more than the woman she loved on her trek through the stars. She had lost sight of herself in some way, in a way the Captain hadn't yet. And though she knew that this choice would cost her her life, she also knew what she must do.