Irene's A/N: First of all, this chapter is long. Like really, really long. And it requires tissues nearby. Or something to squish tightly. You were warned.
Please, don't kill us, because you'll never find out what happens next if you do!
Chapter 14
Meredith and Derek abandon his mother and sister. Derek's heart is racing anxiously as he takes long strides beside Meredith toward the OB floor; she avoids eye contact with him the entire way.
Connie is already waiting for them when they make it to the OB floor, so he's grateful that the waiting is over. Now, it's time for the truth. Has her hCG increased? If it hasn't, then what? They need to have a plan. Either way, no matter what those results say, he needs to have a long conversation with Meredith after this appointment, talk through their options, make plans that represent what's best for them and their family. Maybe she'll be more reasonable once they know the results.
He tries to read Connie's facial expression, but it's neutral like a doctor's should be. It's one thing they teach you in med school: control your face. Though, it's much easier said than done. As doctors, you're supposed to sympathize with your patients, but not over-sympathize. Again, easier said than done, since some cases can hit so close to home.
In this case, he thinks it's good that he can't read Connie's facial expression. The results can't be too bad, right?
Then again, bad in his eyes and bad in Meredith's eyes might be two very different definitions of the word "bad" at this point.
"Hello, Derek. It's good to see you here," Connie greets, giving Derek a pleasant smile.
Derek smiles, greeting the OB-GYN. He nervously places his hand on Meredith's back, and this time she doesn't pull away. He can tell from Meredith's face that she's just as nervous about these results that he is.
"So?" Meredith doesn't hesitate cutting to the chase "Am I miscarrying?"
Derek's heart dips into his stomach.
"Well," Connie beings slowly while looking at her chart. "You haven't experienced any cramping or bleeding, have you?"
"She hasn't," Derek quickly answers for her, sharing a look with his wife. Surely, she would have told him if she was experiencing either. Her face is discolored though when he speaks. "You haven't, right, Meredith?" He folds his hand around hers and strokes the palm of her hand.
"Uh," Meredith swallows, releasing a dull, nervous sigh. She pulls her hand away from him. "I've had a little spotting." Her eyes dart away from him and she gazes at Connie.
Derek's body freezes. When, is the first word that pops into his head, trying to digest what his wife has just confided. He stares at her, but she refuses eye contact with him. Her lip curls under her front teeth, and he can tell she's nervous.
"You...what?" Derek demands, wanting answers. He tries to control his tone. He's shocked, a little stunned, but he doesn't want to show anger. Not now. Not in front of the OB. "When? Why didn't you tell me?"
Of course he's upset. She's been spotting and didn't think it was important to mention it to him. How long has she known? She'd left a few times during surgery to go to the bathroom, but he didn't think anything of it, remembering how frequently she peed when she was pregnant with Bailey. In fact, he'd been a little relieved that she had to go to the bathroom more than usual. It's a normal pregnancy symptom. More symptoms are better than no symptoms.
"This morning. After breakfast." Meredith slowly looks at him, her eyes shimmer with tears. "And I didn't tell you because you were so happy, and I didn't want to ruin your happiness." She frowns, her voice softens. "I...I missed your smile, and I wanted to hold onto it...let you hold onto the happiness...for just a longer, even though I knew it would be short lived. "
His heart is melting; he grabs her hand again, cupping his other hand on top of her knuckles. His gaze meets Connie's face, who doesn't even look concerned.
"Okay, now," she smiles weakly. "A little spotting doesn't necessarily mean miscarriage. You haven't experienced any heavy bleeding, right?"
Meredith shakes her head. "No. I haven't even had any spotting since this morning. I keep...going to the bathroom, expecting it, but no…" Meredith shakes her head, seeming almost disappointed. Derek loosens his grip on her hand. He can sense she's still wishing for it, and his frustrations climb again.
"Spotting can happen for various reasons," Connie confirms. "Did you have intercourse before noticing the spotting?"
He feels his cheeks warming.
Meredith nods, not looking the least bit embarrassed. He doesn't know why he's blushing, anyway. Connie is an OB-GYN, and they're married. Besides, he's sure over half of the hospital has heard them in on-call rooms. Meredith isn't the best at keeping quiet. He's still mortified by the fact that Zola heard them last night, which means so had his mother.
"We did, before breakfast, and a few hours before too," Meredith replies, matter-of-factly.
"And how long had it been?"
"Almost a month," Meredith responds, then laughs a little, like their absence of a sex life is amusing or something. "Three months before that."
"Ah," Connie nods. "Well, that certainly can explain a lot, then. Some bleeding is normal after long periods of abstinence."
"Can we just get to the test results?" Derek interrupts in a hurried voice. The anticipation of the results is slowly killing him.
"I was just getting there," Connie smiles then looks at Meredith. "Meredith, you're not miscarrying. Take a look at the results for yourself." She hands Meredith her iPad, and Derek immediately leans over his wife's shoulder to get a glimpse of the results. His eyes search for answers.
Her hCG is 2,240 mlU/mL.
Connie continues, "The numbers still are not as high as I'd like them to be, but it's a significant increase from yesterday. Generally, I'd like that number to be in the 7,000 range by five weeks. However, hCG levels can fluctuate for a number of reasons. The fact that they've increased is good. At this stage, the ultrasound is much more reliable than the blood tests, and the ultrasound looks good. I saw you had the tech run another one this morning."
Derek feels a weight lift off his chest, but Meredith doesn't seem so enthralled. She seems to be in a daze, blankly staring into the tablet screen.
"It looks like your due date is September 25th."
So far away, yet so close. Derek's contract will end long before then. He can be home. Derek can't imagine renewing the contract now, even if Meredith pushes him to. He hopes by then he'll be able to convince her that his family is and always will be his first choice.
They are his everything, even if he's crappy at showing it sometimes. Even if Meredith doesn't believe him.
Connie's babbles go in one ear and out the other. Meredith's head is spinning, trying to make sense of it all. She speaks medical. It's not that Connie's words don't add up or make sense to her. It all adds up. She understands everything that's coming out of her doctor's mouth. Perhaps, she understands it all too well. Maybe that's the problem.
"I'm not miscarrying," Meredith murmurs, almost in despair. She knows no normal woman in her right mind would be disappointed to hear that she's not miscarrying. No one wants a miscarriage. Heck, she doesn't want a miscarriage, but she certainly can't take on another child right now, and abortion is off the table, especially now that Derek knows about the baby. Her only options are to miscarry or to have the baby.
The fact that she feels so spiteful towards this child is a good indicator that it's not meant to be. It's not fair to their unborn child. All children deserve parents who can love and adore them. She doesn't doubt that she would fall in love with the baby as soon as he or she is born, and she knows that Derek is already in love with the baby. But that doesn't change the fact that Derek has his career and she has hers. They're busy surgeons with overwhelming lifestyles. They're struggling to make it work with two children. How can they even begin to fathom life with three children?
Derek is being an optimist. Or at least he's trying to act like everything will work out. She doesn't understand how he can actually believe that, though, or if he really does. He might just be trying to calm her down, when in fact he knows that another baby is only going to make their complicated lives even more complex. He can't actually think that expanding their family right now will help them, can he?
"You're not," Connie confirms.
"But the values are still low, so I could still," Meredith says slowly, trying to hide her frowned upon hope.
"You could," Connie nods hesitantly, evidence of worry on her face. "Your blood pressure is higher than I'd like it to be. You need to take it easy, Meredith. Eliminate as much stress from your life as you as you can. Still no heavy lifting, including Zola and Bailey. And…" She eyes Derek. "I think it's best if you abstain from intercourse for now."
Eliminate stress from her life? That's like telling her to stop breathing.
And Connie is suggesting she abstain from the only thing that completely releases the stress in her life. What's next? Taking away work and snuggling with her kids? How can she hug her kids if she can't pick them up?
Damn, Derek thinks, though he's not surprised. He saw that coming. Still, he had hoped Meredith would be calmer after talking to Connie, and he would be able to talk to her and perhaps squeeze in the second round they'd talked about this morning. He'd been looking forward to that, but now it looks like that's off the table.
He'll do anything to make sure their baby stays safe inside Meredith, even if it means abstinence.
"Well, that won't be a problem," Meredith shrugs, clearly not bothered by Connie telling them to abstain from intercourse. "He's leaving for DC in a couple hours, so it's not like we'd be having sex anyway."
He rolls his eyes. Of course she'll use anything and everything she can to justify why he needs to go back to DC. Okay, he's under contract. But it's not like he's not broken the contract before, and they took him back. He had already signed a year-long contract when Meredith told him she wouldn't move to DC. Then, he'd broken it off, and the president still came crying for him to come back. It's not like he can't break contract again.
His family is more important than the president.
"I also think you should avoid long periods on your feet. You can work, just no all-day surgeries, okay? And try to drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest," Connie adds. "Have you been eating?"
Meredith laughs, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm a doctor, too, Connie. I know how to take care of myself."
"Of course," Connie nods. She's looking at her iPad. "You've lost two pounds since yesterday, and the nurse this morning noted that you've been struggling to keep down food. Have you eaten today?"
Meredith scoffs. Derek knows he hasn't seen her eat anything besides mint since breakfast, and she'd thrown up her pancakes. He's been with her all day, so of course she hasn't eaten. But neither has he. She's eating for two now, though. Why hadn't he thought to make her eat? As surgeons, they're used to being in the OR for endless hours without eating. He hadn't thought about it.
He feels like kicking himself in the head as he studies his wife. She looks so frail and weak. His own stomach growls. They both need to get something to eat as soon as this appointment is over.
"Everything I eat comes up, and the thought of eating makes me nauseous," Meredith declares.
"Meredith, you have to eat," Connie grimaces. She adds, "Stress can make nausea worse. Have you been managing your stress like I told you to?" There's a knowing look on Connie's face, like she knows that she hasn't.
"I know. I'm taking care of myself just fine," Meredith says, then he swears she hears her mutter under breath something like, "I'm not incompetent."
Connie's stern expression is also loaded with worry.
"I'll make sure she eats," Derek assures the OB. "We'll go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat right after this. Right, Meredith?" He nudges her, but she doesn't look at him.
Dr. Ryan still looks worried, though. Meredith looks like she's ready to leave.
"We'll need to make an appointment for the eight week appointment, in about three weeks," Connie tells them. "They can do that for you…"
"At the front desk. I know," Meredith's voice is bitter. She storms out of the room, but before Derek can follow after her, Connie stops him.
"Derek, can I have a word with you?" she asks, solemness in her tone.
"I'll make sure she eats," Derek assures the OB. "She's stubborn, but I know she would never intentionally try to harm herself or the baby." Connie's face is still filled with worry.
"She doesn't want this baby, you know that, don't you?"
Derek feels like he's been stabbed in the gut.
"Wait, you don't think she would try to...purposely miscarry, do you?" Derek's voice shakes at the thought.
"I think the situation would be better if you weren't on the other side of the country," Connie confides. "It's none of my business, though, and you do what you have to do."
Derek grimaces. If only Connie knew how much he agrees with her, but Connie doesn't know how stubborn his wife actually can be. He doesn't know what to say, so he just sighs, confirming the only thing he can right now: "I'll make sure she gets something to eat."
He finds Meredith standing in the lobby. Her arms are crossed firmly together, and she looks so pale and famished. At least she waited for him. Truthfully, he's surprised that she's done that.
"Did you make an appointment for the eight-week ultrasound?" he asks, studying her.
She nods, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Yes."
"When?" he asks. Since she's married to him going back to DC, he adds, "So I can clear my schedule and make sure I'm there."
"Derek, you don't have to be there," she says. "I might not even…"
He's infuriated by the words she's about to say. I might not even be pregnant still. He cringes at her unfinished words. "Meredith, stop. Stop with the I'm going to miscarry Debbie Downer attitude. I can't take it anymore. You saw the same results that I did. The numbers have increased. That's a good thing."
"Is it?" she says dryly as they walk toward the elevator. "You're going back to DC, Derek."
"No," he says, determined to stay. "I'm not. I can't leave you here…"
"I'm a fully competent surgeon who knows how to take care of herself. If you're here, all you're going to do is hover over me like I'm inadequate, and I can't and won't deal with that. I won't. Derek-,"
He sighs loudly. "This has nothing to do with your competence as a surgeon. You're an excellent surgeon. I know that. Connie knows that. Did you ever think that maybe this isn't just about you?"
"This isn't just about me?" She rolls her eyes obnoxiously. "Of course it's just about me! You don't trust me. You don't think I can take care of myself. You think you're my father instead of my husband. I didn't have a father growing up, I certainly don't need one now."
She frantically pushes the elevator button over and over. He's completely forgotten that he promised Connie that he would get her something to eat. Now she has him mad.
"Can we just time-out?" he sighs, letting the tension in his muscles resolve, despite knowing they can't have the kind of time-out he would like to have per Connie's orders. He glances at the time on his iPhone. He only has a couple hours left with her, apparently. The last thing he wants is to spend those hours in vengeance. "We should grab something to eat. You need to eat, and I'm hungry, too."
"Maybe I'm not hungry," Meredith responds hastily. "Meredith, you should eat. Meredith, you should sleep. You're awfully bossy, you know that?"
"Meredith…" Derek sighs as the elevator door opens.
The atmosphere is tense when the elevator doors close, trapping their anger into their steel walls. Only, they never manage to close all the way, before a slender hand insinuates between the doors and Owen appears behind them.
He's a little breathless as he slips in the car, looking back and forth between Meredith and Derek, and Derek is puzzled by the frown he's sporting. Owen clears his throat, looking embarrassed. He opens his mouth once or twice, but no sounds come out.
Until he pops. "I think it would be appropriate to call a board meeting." Owen gulps, incredulous himself by the way it sounded and Derek keeps frowning, throwing him a sideways glance. "We need to rectify the fact that family members can't treat other family members."
Derek shares a confused look with Meredith, who looks equally puzzled. "What? Why?"
There's an awkward look between Owen and Meredith, a look Derek can't decipher. The staring continues as the two other occupants of the elevator seem to be trying to start up a conversation.
"He doesn't know?" Owen whispers loudly, to which Meredith's eyes boggle out.
What is Owen insinuating? What is she keeping from him again? First the spotting, now what? Is she dying too? Derek wants to bang his head on the steel walls. Was it all a scam? Has she already miscarried and it was all just make-believe for him to feel better? And what's with Owen's requests about people treating family members?
Before he can ask Owen himself, the elevator doors open again, revealing Amelia, a stack of manila envelopes in her hands and a relieved expression on her face.
"There you are!" she sighs loudly and holds out her hand to snatch him out of the elevator, but Derek is quicker and pushes Meredith out instead, leading her to a quieter corner of the hallway.
Before he can have his say, ask for more explanations, he's stopped by Amelia's body, trapping him in the corner of the hallway much like he has done with Meredith. His brain keeps swirling, and he has no idea what the heck is going on. He completely lost the train of thought of every person around him, and he has no idea how to read them anymore. Now he's with his shoulders against the wall next to Meredith, and Amelia is the one leading the interrogation in his place.
"Derek, we need to talk about Beth Monroe."
God, why is everybody talking in code and dragging up things without a specific context? Has DC made him slower instead of smarter? He needs a break from the onslaught of emotions. "What about her?" he asks, pinching the bridge of his nose, suddenly drained. Tiredness hits him all at once.
"I'm pretty sure her tumor is back."
When he looks up to meet Amelia's eyes, he feels like he's been punched in the gut. Beth was the very first good thing he and Meredith achieved together. Before the post-its and the kids and the house in the woods. She was the glimmer of hope for him, she pushed them together, she helped them find their way back to each other. If her tumor is back…
Their success can't be just temporary.
When he looks at Meredith he almost sees tears in her eyes. He can't swallow the lump that has formed in his throat.
"I was reading your notes to confirm that, and all the signs are there."
"My notes? My personal notes?" His sadness turns into anger, much like every uncontrollable emotion he has these days, and he can't stop from growling at his sister. He can't stop.
"I gave them to her, she was asking for them. They are my notes too," says Meredith next to him, sharing a look with Amelia. Something more is going on, but today he's not privy to anybody's secrets.
He snatches the papers from Amelia's hands, glancing at his handwriting, Meredith's handwriting, schemes and graphics, lines and letters, memories flooding back.
"Look, did you run some more tests? Then we can talk." He tries to control his tone, but he barely manages to be civil.
Amelia looks hurt. "Of course I ran some more tests, but I was wondering if you had anything to suggest..."
"No, I don't have anything right now." There's all the possible resentment in his voice, all the sadness and the puzzlement, and then he softens when he looks at Meredith. He needs to fight for Beth - for them - even if the fight is long gone from his system. "I'll look into my notes before I leave, I promise. I'll let you know."
"That's all I'm asking," Amelia replies in a hurt tone, before she turns on her heels and leaves.
Derek clutches the notes against his chest, looking at Meredith with resentment. He's ready to snap again, especially if she feigns innocence.
"Okay, what did Owen mean by what he said?" he growls, trying so hard to keep his anger at bay, but he fails.
"Derek, I swear I don't know." Meredith holds up her hands, only to fold them back in front of her stomach and stare at the floor after they share a look.
"Meredith, you kept the spotting from me, who knows what else you could be hiding! You knew about Beth already!"
"Why is that a problem for you?" Her submissive pose suddenly turns into one of attack as her eyes meet his, blazing with resentment at the sight of the hurt he's sure is clearly on display on his face. "You know what? Fine!" she raises her voice, escaping from his reach. "You can think whatever you want. But I swear I don't know."
She escapes from his reach, hurrying down the hallway. The space she left doesn't remain vacant for long, because pretty soon Owen is filling it, pestering him for the board meeting, a board meeting he still hasn't understood the sense of.
"Owen, I'm busy right now. Do whatever you want, I don't have time for a board meeting either way."
He leaves Owen there in his wake, deciding that he needs to let Meredith stew off a little. He needs to catch up with Amelia, though. He needs to know everything there is to know about Beth Monroe if he can't solve the issues he has with Meredith. He needs to fix Beth if there's something wrong with her.
He takes a deep, relieved breath when he spots Amelia in a viewing room, surrounded by x-rays and scans and papers. Maybe they can have a civil conversation, after all. Only, Meredith is there with her, and they're talking like the best of buddies they seem to be now. He's not sure he can remain civil with both of them there, getting on his nerves.
He runs a hand through his hair before he enters the room.
"So the virus was injected from two syringes," Amelia comments, pointing at the scans, her subdued excitement shining through, just like every time she's presented with a very complicated procedure.
"Yes. In almost total sync. Derek had one needle, I had the other."
Derek gulps, remembering the light on Meredith's face as the virus entered Beth's brain, the way fear and excitement blended in her gray eyes, the dim light of the OR casting a glow over her ethereal-looking body. He could see her as if it were yesterday that they operated on Beth and yet, there's a lifetime in between. Now everything might be crumbling.
"The tumor is located in a different position from the original one, though it's just as hard to reach." He butts out of his thoughts and into the conversation, the two women turning sharply towards him with hostile glares. Silence fills the viewing room.
"We can see that." Meredith's answer is curt, sharp like a razor, before she turns again to look at the scans.
"I think it might be malignant again," Amelia offers as an olive branch, her gaze moving back and forth from Meredith to the scans to him in a loop.
"Before we can even think about removing it we should see the growth rate. See if it's a benign one instead," he offers, putting on the table the very last glimmer of hope he has.
"Does she have any further symptoms, apart from the headaches? Any numbness in extremities like last time? Seizures?" It's Meredith who asks, though she still doesn't look at him.
"It doesn't look like it from the first physical exam, nor did she mention seizures," Amelia explains, reading through the chart for confirmation.
"I'll look through the notes in a little while, you should keep doing tests on her to understand how quickly the tumor is growing, then we can have a plan," he breathes out, trying to keep his composure.
"I can have a plan," Amelia growls, but he lets it go. He's picking his fights right now, and Meredith is already draining him with her silent treatment. He can't fight with Amelia too right in this moment. "I'm taking her up for a contrast MRI, see if we missed something."
Before he can even say goodbye to his sister, she exits the room, leaving the two of them in the empty, dim-lit room, scans and papers everywhere. If Meredith weren't glaring at him, he would say it reminds him of the way he proposed to her, but there's none of the surprise of that day in her eyes. He might be able to see the love if he searches her eyes right, but she's still staring away from him. Yet, some of the scans are the same, one of the series he explicitly pointed out to her, as their best memories or their turning points.
Is everything they have achieved falling apart?
"It's back. The tumor is back." Meredith's murmur is barely audible through the hum of the hospital, but it pushes him closer to her without his consent. "I know we don't know, but it's back. I can feel it. I -"
Derek gulps. In different circumstances he would have hugged her, pulled her closer and tried to let the feeling pass. He can't do it right now, and it's killing him. He should have the right to hug her whenever he wants, but Meredith is no typical wife. He always has to reinvent the definition of wife with her. As exciting as it usually is, sometimes he would like to have a normal, ordinary marriage.
They are extraordinary together. Are they going to turn into ordinary people if he goes back to DC? He has no idea how he can be ordinary anymore, or how he can be extraordinary when Meredith is taken out of the equation of his life.
"Maybe the tumor ends up being easier to remove this time, malignant or not."
Meredith shakes her head, and he can almost see tears in her eyes. "How old is Beth now?"
Derek sighs, counting in his head. "Twenty-one, maybe twenty-two, I think."
"It's too damn early to die of a tumor."
Derek's blood freezes in his veins. She has given up before the fight even starts. "She might not die. We'll make sure she won't die, Meredith."
"People die way too early, it's life." He head shakes again, her eyes even more glassy as she looks at him for a beat. "Maybe it's a sign, Derek. And not a good one."
"Meredith, -"
Before he can continue to defend his opinion, their marriage or whatever is at stake after her words, Amelia comes back, munching on a Mars bar, making his guilt resurface. They still haven't eaten anything; he forgot again about taking care of her.
"MRI is backed up." Amelia announces a little annoyed, and Derek sees that an opening to give Meredith some time to slow down and eat something.
"We need to go to the cafeteria," he announces, only to see Meredith's eyes search his, a slight panic there.
It takes him a moment to process what is happening, before he spots her puke face. He has no idea what she can puke now, but apparently she needs to, because she's quick to bolt out of the viewing room.
Derek chases after Meredith at lightning speed. She's quick on her feet, but he is one hundred percent determined to not let her get away from this. He follows as she makes a right turn toward the Attendings' lounge. He's not far behind when he sees her dash into the lounge.
It seems like every time they fight, she ends up puking. Stress is definitely a factor, just like Connie had pointed out. Meredith is stubborn, though, and she's a force to be reckoned with at times. He feels bad for attributing to her stress, but at the same time, she brings a lot of it on herself, and there's nothing he can do about that.
He opens the door to the lounge and closes it behind him. The bathroom door is closed and locked. He leans his ear against the door, and he can hear her vomiting. The sound of her regurgitating her insides breaks his heart. There's no way he can just leave her like this, not in good conscience at least. He doesn't know how she expects him to just leave like this.
"Meredith," he says softly.
"Go away," he hears her growl. "Go back to DC where you belong. Nobody wants you here."
"Meredith - "
"I mean it, Derek!" she shouts at the top of her lungs, and then the door swings open, and Meredith stands right in front of him. She's holding her white coat in her hands; her face is damp from tears and likely from splashing water into her pores; and her eyes are bloodshot red. She's pale and her body has withered into a state of exhaustion. He wants to take her into his arms, but he knows that's not a good idea when she's in this kind of mood. Her seething glare tells him everything he needs to know right now, that he has no hope of bargaining with her. But that doesn't stop him from trying.
"I can't leave you like this, Meredith," he tells her, frowning into her eyes. She crosses her arms and shakes her head.
Nobody wants you here, his wife's words echo in his head, and he feels his rage boiling. Maybe she's right. He's unwanted. He's unneeded. Meredith doesn't want nor need him. Neither does Amelia. Amelia has Beth's case handled. She's a fully competent neurosurgeon. She's young, she has drive. Drive that he once had.
He can't drive for her anymore.
"You're not missing anything, trust me," she rolls her eyes. "And if you think you're helping, you are not. In fact, you're making things worse. I wasn't puking before you came home. You heard Dr. Ryan. Stress elevates nausea, and I seem to mainly get sick when we're fighting or when I'm with you. You are making me sick. You need to go back to DC."
His lips curve downward. "Meredith - "
"You're really not missing anything. A little blood? It's nothing I haven't dealt with before. It's really no big deal. I did it without you before, and I'll do just fine without you again. I shouldn't have told you I was pregnant. It was a stupid, boneheaded move on my part," she scoffs, turning away from him.
Derek scowls; he can feel his blood pressure rising. His blood boils. Sometimes, she can be so infuriating. He can't believe her. "So, we're back to this again, are we?" His voice rises. He glares at her, ready to snap. "You can't continue keeping secrets from me, Meredith!"
"The values are still well below the norm, and coupled with the stress I'm under on a daily basis, especially when you're around, there's little hope. You know what, Derek, if you really want this baby, your best bet is to go back to DC. You being here is stressing me out to my max. You being here is gonna cause me to miscarry."
"That's not true," he argues. "You keep keeping secrets from me, and that's what's stressing you out. You need to be honest with me, so we can go through this together. I'm your husband, Meredith."
"For the last freaking time, I am not keeping anything else from you."
"You kept the spotting from me. How am I supposed to believe that? Why did Owen say that I didn't know?"
Meredith rolls her eyes. "Do you really think I would confide in Owen before you? Do you really not trust me?"
"How can I! Not when you keep lying to me."
He feels drained. He's tired of fighting her.
"Derek, you really need to leave now. You've done nothing but cause trouble since you've been here," Meredith growls. His chest stings.
He swallows with disbelief. "You're kidding, right? What about this morning? We were fine this morning…"
"We weren't fine!" Meredith interjects, laughing satirically. "Just because your junk is spectacular and made me all warm and gooey inside this morning, does not make us fine!"
He freezes, completely taken aback by her comment about his junk. Though, he's resisting the urge to chuckle. He knows she's genuinely upset, though sometimes her vengeance comments can make their fights all-the-more hilarious.
Meredith continues her rant before he can respond, though. "We were having a time-out. You know what our time-outs are, Derek? They're band-aids. They're temporary fixes. We are not fixed. Nothing about us is fixed, and this baby? It's not a fix, either. Maybe you think it is, but I don't. Babies don't fix relationships. In fact, they do just the opposite. My mother knew that. That's why she never told Richard about Maggie."
He clenches his fists together; he can't believe the words he hears spilling from her mouth.
"Wow," he shakes his head shallowly. "You're becoming more and more like your mother every day." He words escape his lips without a second thought.
And she laughs again in satire, rolling her eyes. "I already know you think I'm a cold, horrible mother and wife. You've made that pretty darn clear many times. But hey? You told Zola that it's easier to go when you're mad, and you're mad right now, so you should go. Go, Derek!"
"It's not like I have a choice!" he hollers. "You've clearly made my decision for me."
And yet, she'd been so bent out of shape when he had made decisions for her without talking to her. She's being such a hypocrite.
He can't do it anymore. He's done. Meredith gets what Meredith wants.
"Just go," she says lowly.
"All right. Fine. I will go. If that makes you happy, I will go," he snarls, sighing. "Do I at least get to say goodbye to the kids?"
She rolls her eyes. "What kind of question is that? I'm not keeping you from your children, Derek. If you want to say goodbye to them, then go say goodbye to them."
Sure feels like she is, Derek thinks, but bites his lip. Without another thought, he throws his car keys at her and bolts out of the lounge.
The keys scrape her clavicle before falling into her hands. Her neck stings from the bronze contact, but she's not in too much pain. She knows that he did that so she can take his car home, because he and his mother will take a cab to the airport. He didn't throw them at her because he wanted to inflict physical harm on her. He's angry, but she knows he would never actually try to hurt her. At least not physically.
She watches Derek vanish. Her entire body goes numb. She can't feel anything anymore, not even the tingling on her neck. She inhales slowly. He's gone. He's really gone.
Well, he's not gone yet. He'll say goodbye to the kids first. It's only fair that they get to say goodbye to their father, because who knows when they'll see him again. She can't take that away from him or the kids. She would never.
Her head is spinning out of control.
And had she really called his junk spectacular to his face? Oh, God. She's absolutely mortified.
The lightheaded dizzy spill takes over her body and she can't stand anymore. She leans against the lounge couch, trying to control her breathing. In and out, she inhales and exhales, her heart racing erratically. She falls onto the couch and before she knows it, tears are gushing out of her eyes. She can't breathe. She can't think. The tears just keep coming.
He's gone. He's gone.
And she pushed him away. It's what she does best, after all: Push away the people she cares most about.
Derek is right. She's becoming and more and more like her mother each day. The thought nauseates her.
She fights the urge to chase after him, to run to the daycare and catch him before he leaves to apologize. The thought of him on a plane angry at her, and her angry at him, is gut wrenching. In the event of a tragedy, she doesn't want their last words to each other to be angry words.
But she stays put. Maybe it's better this way. Like he told their daughter, it's easier being apart from each other when they're angry at each other.
That doesn't make her miss him any less, though. She already misses him, and he hasn't even gotten on that plane yet.
She wipes the damp, sticky tears from her face with her hand and bites her lips. Emptiness settles in. Her insides feel barren. Her hand hovers over her stomach, thinking of the small bundle of cells, a perfect mix of hers and Derek's DNA, inside her. How long will it be before they decide to leave? How long will it be before the miscarriage starts for real? Maybe her OB was right, and the spotting this morning was just a side effect of having intercourse after prolonged celibacy. Derek is gone now, though, so the next time she sees spotting, she'll know it's not that.
Meredith can feel the tense, heightened stress all throughout her body, and she knows the stress is going to cause a miscarriage. She can feel it. Not only does she know it, she hopes for it. And she hopes for it sooner rather than later. That way she can tell Derek it's over and he won't feel bad about going back to DC. It'll all be over. It'll all go away.
The emotions boil inside her, and she can't stop crying. The tears won't stop flowing. The last time she cried like this...it was the day Gary Clark pointed a gun to her husband's chest and pulled the trigger right in front of her eyes.
Her chest feels like a rock about to tear through her ribcage.
He hasn't been shot, though. He's not dying. She's not watching him code on the table while offering her life to a gunman. But why does the pain in her chest feel the same now as it did then?
She doesn't get an answer to her question, but she hears the lounge door swing open. Derek, is the first thought that crosses her mind and she turns her head, kindling onto a little bit of secret hope that it's him.
And then she meets his eyes, only they're not on his face. They're on Amelia's face. Amelia Shepherd stands before her. Her lower jaw opens when their eyes meet.
"Oh God, Meredith, are you...are you okay?" Amelia finally asks, genuine concern kindles in her voice.
Meredith wipes the tears from her cheeks with her hand, but she wishes Amelia hadn't asked if she were okay, because for some reason, the question calls for more tears to gush even harder and faster out of her eyes, faster and harder than she thought possible. By now, she must be crying harder than she did when Derek was shot. And he's not even dying!
She hates that she's crying in front of Amelia. After all, she doesn't cry in front of many people. Derek, Alex, and Cristina are among the few people she has allowed to see her cry. Really cry, that is. They're her people. They were her people. She still has Alex, though. Cristina and Derek are gone now.
Gone. Gone.
But Amelia doesn't flinch at her tears. She sits down next to her and wraps her arm around her back, then leans her ear against her shoulder. Amelia doesn't speak. Instead, she softly rubs her back as Meredith cries away all her tears.
And then Meredith feels a warm, wet teardrop that doesn't belong to her land on her shoulder. She tilts her head, meeting Amelia's crisp watery eyes. Meredith takes in a deep breath and wipes away her tears again, this time for good. Well, temporarily at least. She inhales deep, steady breaths, and her breathing returns to normal. She sits up straight, and Amelia takes her hand off Meredith's back. They share a moment of silence, just looking at each other.
"He's really gone," Meredith finally murmurs, releasing a sigh filled with elements of relief. The tension in her muscles releases.
"He and Mom were on the way to say goodbye to the kids," Amelia confides.
Meredith nods, picturing Derek and his mother meeting Zola and Bailey in daycare and giving them lots of hugs and kisses. She pictures Zola begging Derek not to go, much like she begged her mother not to go when she was a little girl. She pictures Bailey not understanding that Daddy is leaving, but he might start crying because his sister is crying. It's such a vivid, heartbreaking picture in her head.
"You know, if you want, I could take the kids somewhere...get them pizza or something. Give you some time to collect your thoughts and everything," offers Amelia, a weak yet hopeful smile forms on her sister-in-law's face. She adds, glumly, "Anything so I can procrastinate having to break the news to Beth about the tumor."
A dull ache reels in Meredith's gut when she hears Beth's name mentioned.
"Did you find anything new on the scans?" Meredith asks, dreading Amelia's response.
Amelia's expression is dreadful. Meredith knows the news can't be good. "There's already been growth since yesterday, Mer. At this rate...at this rate, I'd be surprised if she makes it two months." Meredith feels like Amelia has just told her that her puppy died.
"D-Does Derek know?" Meredith stammers, not sure why that's the first thing that comes to her mind. She's angry at Derek, but he should know. He deserves to know. Beth was his patient, too.
"I-I haven't told him. He was such a dick earlier," Amelia grumbles, breathing inward. "So. The kids. I'm going to take the kids out. I need some time with them just as much as you need some time to yourself."
"They'd like that," Meredith nods, an ill feeling still roaming in the pit of her stomach from the news about Beth.
"That is...if you give me a car key. I rode in with Callie last night, so I don't have a car. I saw Mom gave you your keys earlier, and you and Derek must have driven in earlier. So you have two cars in the parking lot, right?"
Meredith raises an eyebrow, gazing peculiarly at her sister-in-law.
"What? You do, right?" Amelia looks puzzled.
"Speaking of keys, are you ever going to tell me how you got a key to Derek's office? We're each other's secret keepers, right? And I covered for you with Derek, so you can tell me where you got the key in the first place." A smile breaks Meredith's lips for the first time in several hours.
Amelia is clearly at a loss for words as she bites her bottom lip. "Uh…"
"Seriously, I won't tell anyone," Meredith promises. Amelia stands up and makes a dash for the door, and Meredith follows after. "Hold on. I thought you wanted these?"
She pulls the key that Derek had just thrown at her out of her pocket, since her keys are in her purse in her locker. Meredith holds up the key, so Amelia can see it. Amelia shakes her head and darts down the hallway, clearly avoiding the question, and Meredith runs after her, quickly catching up to her. She's used to chasing after small children; she can keep up with Amelia without a problem.
"Why does it matter?" Amelia freezes just a few feet from the hospital daycare.
"Why are you running? What could you have done that is so secretive that you can't tell me? Is it illegal?" Meredith asks, now genuinely curious.
"No!" Amelia gasps; the color drains from her face. Her eyes are narrowed straight ahead, beyond Meredith. Her eyes glisten, and Meredith feels the pit of her stomach drop.
"Don't go, Daddy!" Meredith hears a small familiar whimper, confirming Meredith's suspicions. Her heart feels like it's about to explode when she turns around and sees her four-year-old daughter holding tightly onto her father's leg as he stands in the daycare doorway. Carolyn Shepherd is beside them.
"Daddy has to go." She watches as Derek kneels to their daughter's level, his eyes sad and dreary. "Daddy has to work." Zola's cumbersome brown eyes are filled with moisture.
"But you just gots here!" the little girl cries, crushing Meredith's heart, and then she looks up. "Mommy! Tell Daddy he can't go."
Meredith feels like her heart turns to stone when her husband looks eyes at her, his eyes ruthless and somber.
"Daddy's right, baby girl," Meredith chokes on the spit in her mouth. "He has to work. He has to go." Meredith nods, walking toward her daughter. She gently removes Zola from her father's leg. "He has to go."
And she wraps her arms snugly around Zola, shooting an enraged glance at her husband one last time. He sulks and whispers, "Goodbye, Zola," kissing her on the back of the head. He returns a futile glare in Meredith's direction, then he turns to his mother, motioning for her to go too.
And he does go, but Carolyn stays for a little longer.
"Goodbye, Meredith. It was nice seeing you again," Carolyn's smile is sincere, then she turns to her daughter and hugs her. "Keep in touch, okay?"
Amelia nods. "I'll try."
"And, Meredith," Carolyn turns toward her, capturing Meredith's attention. "If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me, all right? I'm just a plane ride away, even when Derek is in DC."
Meredith swallows a hard lump in her throat. "Thanks, but it's not your responsibility to fix us." She winks at her mother-in-law.
"It might not be, but that won't stop me from trying," Carolyn chuckles. "Oh Meredith, it'll work out. You just have to weather out the storm. Now, take care of my beautiful grandbabies. All three of them." She returns the wink.
"I'll do my best," Meredith sighs, regretting having wished for a miscarriage. Because it's not only Derek's heart she'll have to break if she loses the baby. It's Carolyn's now, too.
"That's all we mothers can do," Carolyn nods, looking at Amelia one final time before she follows after her son.
Meredith is left kneeling beside Amelia with a sobbing Zola in her arms. Meanwhile, Meredith fights her own tears. Seeing her own little girl cry the tears she's just cried over Derek leaving breaks her heart. She hugs Zola tightly.
"Oh Mommy, why does Daddy gots to go?" Zola sobs.
"He has to work, baby," Meredith soothes, choking back her own tears.
"But...but why can't he work here? With you? Like he useded to. He always useded to pick me and Bay up from daycare. Now we only seen him on the 'puter or iPad!" It's the question that sets one of Meredith's tears free. Zola takes notice to the tear streaming down Meredith's cheek; her little finger wipes away the liquid. "You miss already Daddy, too?"
"Very much," Meredith swallows, taking a deep breath. "Zola, why don't you go find your brother? Auntie Amy is going to take you for pizza." She eyes Amelia, who flashes at smile at Zola when she looks up.
"I eated pizza yesterday. Nana put lots of pizza in the 'fridge. We gots lots of pizza at home," Zola points out, and Meredith's chest sulks. That's right. Meredith had forgotten all about the oodles of extra pizza her husband had ordered for Zola's party last night. Somehow it had managed to escape her mind. Pizza was the last thing she wants to think about right now, though. The thought alone makes her stomach turn.
"Well, then why don't we go home, eat pizza leftovers and bake cookies?" Amelia offers, attempting to sound excited for Zola.
"Oooh, can we make chocolate chip cookies?" Zola asks eagerly, her tears starting to dissolve; but her tiny voice still rattles a little and she sniffles.
"Sure, why not?" Amelia smiles. "But first you have to find your brother. I'll be right in to get you both."
"Okay!" Zola springs to life and runs back into the daycare.
Meredith catches Amelia's gaze, wiping the dampness from Zola's cheeks with her thumb. She huffs a deep breath. "So," Meredith holds onto the key.
"Seriously, let it go," Amelia sighs, eying the key. "Secret keeping or not, there are some things I don't share with people. It's not like I'm asking how many times you and Derek had sex last night because there are some things I don't want to know about your life. Secret keeping doesn't mean we tell each other everything."
She used to tell everything to Cristina. Amelia is not Cristina. Of course Amelia doesn't want to hear about her and Derek's sexual endeavors, or their relationship woes, all of which she used to rant endlessly about to Cristina. But that's beside the point right now. What the hell is Amelia implying?
She's lost in thought when Amelia snatches the keys from her hand.
"Here's a little tip for you, Meredith: Sex opens doors." Amelia winks, walking inside the daycare, proudly holding onto Derek's car key.
"What does that even mean?" Meredith yells after her. "Are you sleeping with a janitor?" The heads of a numerous passing nurses turn toward her; Meredith scowls, rolling her eyes, wishing she could just lock herself in a supply closet and never be found.
According to Amelia, Meredith isn't going to be opening any doors for a long time…
Nicole's A/N: I know this chapter was heartbreaking, and the ending may have triggered memories of how the Grey's left off with 11x8. That's because it was written the day after 11x8 aired. I know many of you were counting on Derek staying, but this is necessary. He has to go back to DC for reasons you'll understand later if you stick with us (which I hope you will), but if you don't, we'll understand too. Either way, please leave us your (constructive) thoughts in review.