All hail JC, thanks girl!
A few days later,
they released me from the infirmary. My nose was splint, my hand in a cast, but all things considered I had got off much better than Borus.
"Nia, I need to speak to you."
I knew he would find me sooner or later.
I bite back the retort for him to leave me alone, "What's up Bells?"
Of course when he got me alone,
Bellamy questioned about my ridiculous showdown, "what was that fight about?"
I faked ignorance, "I was training Bellamy. That is what we do, we are Cadets remember?"
He tugged on my shoulder, backing off when I told him it hurt.
"I am not trying to hurt you Nia, we need to talk," until we were really alone, deserted hallways was kind of our thing, he illuminated me, "Are you were trying to prove a point to Paul? Was this some type of bet?"
"Fuck what Paul thinks," I can't help but say, "that was for me."
"So what are you trying to prove Nia? Why did you fight that guy? You almost-"
"Borus wanted to fight me too," I don't know why I am so offended by this, but I am, "You know why I fought him?" it was no math equation, "Because I wanted to, is that so hard to believe, I do things I want and that's it, there doesn't need to be a reason, not a point, I do what I do, and at the end of the day that is good for me," I end with a question, "is it good enough for you?"
I don't know why I had to put it like a question, I liked the conventional line we tempted to cross, but never did. We had no labels. Had no restrictions. We were together because we wanted to be. I had ever come out and just said it, but it was suggested... or at least I thought it was.
"No," Bellamy says up front, and that shuts my mind up, "that isn't good enough for me."
I am on the defensive, he said this like I was in the wrong, "Then what do you want from me? What are you trying to prove," I turn the aggravating question on him.
"I don't have to prove anything, I think me being here for you, when everyone just pretends like you didn't almost die-"
"I did not almost die," drama Queen much, "thanks for being here, but I never asked you to be here."
"I want to, I want to be here for you," he says, and then he fumbles when I give him the look, "what the hell is that for Nia? You don't like when I am here for for you? You want me to just leave you be, let you do your thing, and I do mine?"
"No, no, that is not what we are arguing about," I still did not get the reason, "why, why? what are you trying to prove by telling me this, that you're not a flake?"
"No, I think me being here shows I am not a flake," he was patronizing me.
That was a laugh, he did not get to play the white knight, not anymore, not when he fucked with other girls feelings, while he made sex eyes at me, he was just as bad, it just took me longer to realize this, "Hey Bellamy! You do realize that you are not a good person because you pity fuck the Ice Queen in your class, I am not one of your easy lays Bellamy, you can't just bat your pretty eyes-"
"I never thought you were," he is quick to defend himself, as if I was blind to the real reason he decided to fuck me, instead of agreeing, he just puts it out there, "why can't you let me take care of you, like Kelvin did," the name is like a puncture to my heart, "why won't you let me in?"
"Be my boyfriend?"
"Yeah," he shrugs.
He can't mean it.
I won't let him mean it.
"I don't need you to take care of me," the words come tumbling out, the reasoning sounding just fine to me, "I can take care of myself, that is what I do. I don't need a boyfriend right now."
"It shouldn't have to be just sex Nia," he says, rubbing his hair back, groaning loudly as if I just punched him in the belly of something.
"But that's it," I point between us, "that is all we can be. You have to do this Bellamy, I won't lie to you, we can't lie about what this really is, and if you want more, if you really want that, then I can't-"
"Okay, okay," he gives in, "Damn Nia, you're driving me crazy, you know that" he rubs his face a couple of times, and sinks to the floor.
Instead of leaving him, I take a seat next to him, waiting for him to just break up with me, make this mess we made a hell of a lot easier, more clean, than the jagged bloody stitching we were doing to stick together.
After a while he says it, he chuckles for some reason, "Did we just have our first fight?"
"I am not sure," we both are not crying, I don't really feel hurt about anything he said, and I don't feel like never seeing him again, "honestly, more than anything, I think I am a bit turned on now-" but that was not such a surprise, when it came to Bellamy, I usually always felt horny.
"Thank God, you too?"
He can't be serious?
He grins a devilish smile, he is very serious, "that's my girl," he grabs my chin, bringing me close enough to captures my surprised lips, and my worries fly as he picks me up, heading to our room.
Later that night, Bellamy is snoring in my bed, his alien presence keeps me up, he never stayed the night, it's weird, a good weird, and I have to pretend to smother myself in my pillow, hopefully that would help me forget Paul's smug face about my failure to keep my cool, and afterwards Bellamy's judgemental eyes when I told him that I didn't need him.
I feel like I can die of embarrassment here,
listening to Bellamy's snores,
feeling the fall and rise of his heated bare back,
"I can get used to this," I whisper so only I can hear, only I know.
there might be a day he will no longer sleep beside me,
and that is what scares me the most.