"…while you're alive, I'm an indestructible master of…"

My alarm screeches a centuries-old song. I turn over and slap it off. As I do, my hand catches the glass of water next to it, and it topples to the floor, the last few drops spilling onto the carpet. "Shit," I moan. I climb out from under the blankets and stand up. I glance around the room, and my eyes finally settle on the altar.

And then I remember what day it is. My heart sinks.

After a quick shower, I step into my closet, trying to decide what to wear. Nothing seems just right. I own very little that's pure black to begin with, but I'm not sure I want to go that route. My hands whip through the hangers with practiced speed—and then I stop. My dress uniform.

I inhale sharply. Though I'm on medical leave, I'm still in the Alliance. It wouldn't be completely out of line to wear it. I touch a finger to the ribbons on the side, but I linger on the Star of Terra a moment longer than the others. The award for surviving an "impossible" situation.

"You've built a career on performing the impossible."

"Yes, I have." And I will again.

I pull the uniform out and leave the closet. I dress as fast as care allows—I don't want to snag a thread. Pulling open the drawer in my nightstand, I pick up my dog tags and slip them around my neck, tucking them inside the uniform. Before closing the drawer, I open a small velvet box and remove the diamond bracelet from within it, fastening it around my left wrist.

As I head downstairs, I hear Kolyat and Kaidan talking in the kitchen. "Shepard," Kaidan says, seeing me approach. He's in his dress uniform as well. "You hungry? I could, uh…make something, if you want."

I'd normally make a joke, but today… "I'm not really hungry, but thanks." I sit down at the table, dropping my face into my hands.

"Joss," Kolyat says, "you should eat something. There will be very few opportunities to do so later."

I look up. They're both staring at me, pity in their eyes. "Fine," I say, defeated. "Just give me a muffin or something."

I nibble at a blueberry muffin, listening to Kaidan and Kolyat talk some more. They're sharing stories about the war—and the moment I realize it, a knot forms in my stomach. After a minute, I hear Udina's name…

"Shepard's blocking our escape! She's with Cerberus!"

Kaidan steps in front of Udina. "Just…hang on!" He looks at me, still aiming his pistol. "I got this. Everyone calm down."

I lower my own weapon. "I can explain this, Kaidan."

"Come on, Shepard." He shifts a bit, still blocking Udina. "Gun drawn on a councilor? Kinda looks bad."

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my squad raising their weapons again, but I motion for them to stop. "We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled, all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it."

They look skeptical. "Please," Udina says scathingly, stepping forward. "You have no proof. You never do!"

I point back toward the elevator. "There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all!"

Udina's frown deepens, but after a second, Tevos looks at me. "We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us."

"We don't have time to debate this." Udina walks to the console. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

I give Kaidan a look, raising my weapon at Udina again. He moves to block my shot, then… "I better not regret this." He turns toward Udina.

"You won't."

"Joss?" Kolyat's voice shocks me back to the present. "We should go."

I'm silent the entire trip to the spaceport. Staring out the window, watching people. They seem happy. Part of me wonders why I can't be like them. Another part of me knows I will never be like them—not after the things I've seen and done. As we pull up to the spaceport, I spot the Normandy, glittering in the sunlight.

"She's quick and quiet and you know the crew. Perfect ship for a Spectre. Treat her well, Commander."

I smile. Maybe not the same Normandy, but still…

Walking into the building, Kolyat looks at me. "Are you all right?"

I nod. "Just thinking. That's all." I head up the gangway behind Kaidan. As we enter the ship, I see Joker and EDI on the bridge—doing pre-flight checks, I assume. They don't turn to greet me.

I head toward the CIC. Even with a skeleton crew, very few of them seem to notice me. I walk over toward the elevator, but as I enter, Kolyat grabs my arm. "Joss," he says, his voice low, "where are you headed?"

I turn to him, trying to smile. "Don't worry; I'm not going to lock myself in the Life Support plant. I just want to…walk around."

He nods. "All right. I'll meet you in the shuttle bay when we get to the Citadel." He steps back, and the doors close.

I head to the crew deck. When the elevator doors open, I'm staring at the Memorial Wall. My eyes are drawn to the scar I left during my tantrum—but the space is blank. The broken plate isn't on the floor. I search the rest of the wall, but his name is nowhere to be found. I'm angry…but after a moment, it subsides. There are more important things to fix—homeworlds, lives.

I head toward the XO's cabin. When the door opens, I notice it's been restored to how it looked when Miranda roomed in it. I can almost see her, sitting at the desk.

"We're all hoping you can do the impossible, Shepard. No pressure."

I lean on the doorframe, smiling. I never expected to get along with her—being a Cerberus operative—but she was the one responsible for bringing me back. And if she hadn't, I'd never have… I wipe a tear away, and push away from the door.

Next stop is the battery. As I enter, I notice it's been cleaned within an inch of its life. Looks like no one has ever even set foot inside. But I know that's not true.

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

Despite my mopey mood, I can't help but laugh. Typical Garrus.

I head for the AI core. It's a bit warmer than the rest of the ship, and I nearly leave, but…

"We oppose the heretics. We oppose the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the heretics. Cooperation furthers mutual goals."

I turn to leave, heading back into the med bay, but I stop cold. I remember Mordin working on the genophage cure here, in the med bay. I can almost see him, hunched over the microscope, humming…

"Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy, and…"

Another tear. I wipe it away and head to the observation deck. I gaze for a moment at the middle of the floor—where Samara used to sit, meditating.

"I will fight and struggle all my life. That is my fate. When I die, it will not be in bed. I am at peace with that."

I sigh. I used to think that way as well…hoping it would be so. Going out in a blaze of glory, being legendary forever without dealing with the fame… It had been tempting.

I walk down the hall to the lounge. No alcohol is stocked—a pity, I could use a drink about now—and the poker table is missing. But I remember Kasumi, sitting on the couch, reading an actual book.

"People are talking out there…and I hear it all."

I turn around and start toward the elevator, but after only two steps, I stop. I stare at the door to the Life Support plant, touching it softly. But I won't go in. I know if I do, I won't want to come back out.

I take the elevator down to Engineering. I walk into the port cargo bay, and I'm slightly disheartened to see it's entirely empty. Nothing even in storage there. I see a small dent in the wall, and smiling, remember how it got there—when Grunt shoved me into it.

"Ha! Offer one hand, but arm the other. Wise, Shepard."

I wander down to the subdeck, where Jack used to stay. It's cluttered, and I can't get down the stairs entirely, but that doesn't stop me from hearing her voice.

"They thought they were so clever. Turns out, mess with someone's head enough, you can turn a scared little kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fuckin' idiots."

I walk back up into Engineering proper, and stop near the console Tali used to monitor. The two engineers weave around me, trying not to make eye contact.

"I can't believe we destroyed the Collector base. They said it couldn't be done! Then again, that's been said about a lot of things you do."

After a moment, I meander over to the starboard cargo bay. It's not quite as cluttered as the subdeck, but yet again, the clutter doesn't stop me from hearing a voice—Zaeed this time.

"Shepard! I was just waxing goddamn nostalgic!"

Now feeling less than cheerful, I head down to the shuttle bay. Kolyat and Kaidan both turn to see me. "Shepard?" Kaidan says, his brow furrowing. "You all right?"

"Yeah," I lie. "Just thinking."

They give me a knowing look, but say nothing. "We're pulling into the Citadel," Kaidan says after a moment. "I thought you'd want to be here for…well…" He rubs his neck nervously.

"I know, Kaidan. And you're right. I do."

I feel the ship stop moving, and a moment later, the shuttle bay door opens. A crowd is standing on the dock; in their midst, I see many familiar faces, all chattering away. In front of them are four Alliance soldiers, standing beside a casket. As I walk down the ramp toward them, they snap to a salute. All talking ceases as the crowd turns toward us.

I'm startled for a moment, staring at their uniforms. Three Lieutenants and a Commander? That's unusual. I glance to the Commander's face—and smile. My cousin Peter. His lips curl into a small smile as he catches my eye. "Permission to come aboard, Commander?"

On the fringes of the crowd, I spot my mother; she nods to me. I return the salute. "Permission granted."

They lift the casket shoulder-high, carrying it past me and into the shuttle bay. The crowd slowly wanders up the ramp, in small groups. Most at least nod toward me; some don't even acknowledge me. When everyone is off the dock and onboard, Kaidan turns to me. "I'll tell Joker we're ready." The shuttle bay door rumbles as it closes behind us.

"All right." I wander toward Kolyat; he's staring at the casket. The soldiers are standing next to it, at attention. I put a hand on Kolyat's shoulder. "You all right?"

For a moment, he doesn't answer—his eyes tell me he's lost in a memory. Then he turns to me, a tear streaking down his cheek. "Yes, I'm all right," he murmurs. I don't believe him, but I don't say anything. With a bittersweet smile, he walks off toward Liara. I watch them talk for a moment, then turn away.

I want to talk to Peter, but know the honor guard is required to be silent. Instead, I pull a crate over to the side of the casket and sit. As I do, the ship shudders—presumably taking off again—and my hand lands on the lid. The metal is cold, and I pull back with a shudder of my own.

"Siha, I'm afraid I've picked a bad time to leave."

I feel like crying, but steel myself. The murmur of voices behind me is maddening. They'll talk to each other, but not to me. It's as if I'm not even here.

"Perhaps they don't know what to say."

My hand curls into a fist. They could at least try.

"You wish they would speak to you, but if they did, would you not then wish they'd simply left you alone with your thoughts? Be patient, Josslyn. They will find the words eventually."

"Shepard?" Kaidan's voice cuts through my thoughts. He motions to the empty space next to me. "Can I sit, or would you rather…?"

"Go ahead," I mutter, dropping my gaze to my knees.

He starts to talk, but I'm not paying attention. Of all the people I'd have chosen to speak to, he isn't the one. Kolyat, Liara, even one of the Councilors. Not Kaidan. Not now…

One of his arms is suddenly around my waist, holding me firmly to the crate as the deck shifts sharply. I look over at him, angry at his boldness…but he's staring back at me, an apology on his face. "What the hell…"

"We shifted to FTL," he says, releasing me. "I tried to warn you, but I guess you weren't listening."

"Oh." Well, now I just feel stupid. I can feel my cheeks going red. "Well, thank you."

"It's all right…Commander," he says slowly. "Would you rather I left you alone? 'Cause you seem like you're distracted right now."

I'm silent a moment. "No, Kaidan, it's fine. You can stay."

For a solid minute, the only sounds are the murmuring of voices behind me and the incessant hum of the engines. "I've been talking to Kolyat," Kaidan says.

"About what?" I look back toward the floor.

"His dad." I hear him take a deep breath. "He mentioned that his dad's the one that saved Councilor Valern. You…uh, you never told me that, Shepard."

"You never asked." I can feel my hands shaking. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kaidan reaching for one of my hands—without a fuss, I let him take it. I just want contact with another breathing being.

"How'd he do it?"

"Three against one. It's over." I level the barrel of my pistol at the enemy's chest.

"No," he says with a grin. "Now it's fun."

I watch as Thane gracefully drops behind him, surprising the foe. They exchange blows for a few moments, then…the flash of a sword. There's blood…Thane falls…

The bastard grins at me, running toward the exit. A split second, and I'll lose him. Painfully, I force myself after him, firing but always missing—the shots bounce off his barriers or simply go wild. He climbs onto a waiting skycar. From behind me, I hear gunfire. I turn. Thane's firing as well, but after a moment, he slumps against the wall, falling. The skycar drives off.

I rush to Thane. "How bad is it?"

He smiles, though I know he must be in pain. "I have time. Catch him."

"I don't want to talk about it, Kaidan."

"Shepard…" he starts, but I hear someone call him from behind us. "I'll be back," he says, getting up and walking away.

Trying to forget the memory—but knowing I probably won't—I absently finger the bracelet. I glance at it; flawless synthetic diamonds set in rose gold. A most precious gift from a wonderful man.

The comm terminal beeps. Absently, I hit the button. "Yes?"

"Siha." His voice floats out of the speaker. "I have something I'd like to discuss with you. May I come up?"

I grin, thankful he can't see how wide it is. "Of course." The comm clicks off—but not a moment later, my door beeps. I walk over to it, opening it. He's standing there, smiling. "That was awfully fast."

The smile widens a bit as he steps past me into the room. "You did seem to enjoy that speed on our mission."

I close the door, leaning against it. "Thankfully, you're not that fast with everything." He turns sharply, his brow ridges furrowed. After a second, he relaxes, shaking his head. I laugh, walking over to him and gently caressing his cheek. "Sorry. I'll stop with the bad jokes. You had something you wanted to talk about?"

He looks sheepish. "No. I…I feared you would say no if I gave the real reason."

"I wouldn't do that." I plant a gentle kiss on his lips. "What did you want?"

"I wished to give you this." He reaches into a pocket of his coat, removing a small velvet box and handing it to me.

I open it gently, gazing in amazed wonder at the diamond bracelet within. "Thane, I…" I look at it, and then back to him. "Thank you! But…why?"

He smiles. "Our mission is complete. We may not have much more time together. I wanted to give you something to…remember me by, as humans say."

"Shepard?" Kaidan's voice breaks through my thoughts. I stare at him. "We're about thirty minutes out. Anything you need?" I shake my head, and he simply nods, walking off.

I knock on the door of Life Support. After a moment, I hear a muffled voice telling me to come in. I open the door and walk inside—then stop in my tracks.

He's stripped to the waist, a towel in his hand. "Shepard," he says, looking up at me. "Do you need something?"

I can feel myself turning red. "I didn't mean to disturb you…I'll come back later." I turn and head for the door.

"Wait." The word alone makes me freeze. I turn around, facing him again, as he walks toward me. He's slipped a loose-fitting shirt on. "I was only exercising. It can wait. What do you need?"

"It's not important," I say, trying to stop blushing. "I…I just needed to talk to a friend." He motions for me to sit, and I walk over to the table and take my usual chair. He pulls the other over closer to me. "I promise I won't take too much of your time."

"As I believe I told you the last time we spoke: time for me is short, but any I have is yours to take." He smiles, folding his hands in front of him. "I will listen as long as you like."

I sigh, staring down at the table. "It's…a bit silly, but today would be my father's fifty-seventh birthday." I look up at him. "I haven't thought about it in years. His birthday, I mean. I haven't really marked the occasion since The Blitz happened. I've had…other things to focus on." I shift in the chair. "I think it's the whole 'suicide mission' thing that's got me thinking about it. I mean…" I trail off.

"Yes?"

I sigh again. "I've never told anyone, but the last thing… The last conversation I had with him was an argument. Even my mother doesn't know." I hold his gaze for a moment. "Thinking about that… It's made me realize I don't want something like that to happen ever again."

He blinks a few times. "Josslyn, you made your feelings for me quite clear the last time we spoke. I…" He stands, meandering over toward the gun racks on the far wall. With a sigh of his own this time, he leans against it, staring at me. "I suppose I haven't made my feelings as clear."

I try to swallow the dread I feel. I knew I'd come on too strong. "I don't want to put you in an awkward position," I say thickly, the words tumbling out as fast as they can. "I should go."

As I pass by him, he slips an arm about my waist, stopping me short. "Don't," he whispers. Within a moment, both his arms are around me, and I'm facing him, my arms against his chest. It seems nothing else needs to be said; he leans down and presses his lips against mine…

"Joss?"

I look up sharply; Kolyat is staring at me. "What, Kolyat?"

He motions to the shuttle bay door—it's open. The crowd in the shuttle bay is walking out, standing to one side or the other on the street. Several people remain in the shuttle bay—the pallbearers, the honor guard, and Kaidan. I take a deep breath—the air is different than it was in London. Cleaner. Crisper. Crap—we're in New Hampshire, aren't we? Damn it, Mom… I'm gonna have to visit Dad before we leave.

I stand up and move next to Kaidan as the honor guard moves away from the casket. The pallbearers take their places: Grunt and Garrus at the very back, Jacob and Zaeed in the middle, Jack and Kolyat at the front. The honor guard flanks them: two in front, two in back. They lift the casket shoulder-high, and slowly exit the bay, and I follow with Kaidan.

Though I know it's only a short distance to the cemetery, maybe about half a mile, I'm expecting cars to transport everyone—so I'm shocked when I step out and spot a line of Alliance soldiers on either side of the street. Veterans of the Reaper War—and some sporting the Cerberus coup memorial ribbon on their uniform. As the casket passes them, they snap to a salute.

I grab Kaidan's arm to steady myself. He says nothing, but pats my hand knowingly. We fall into step behind the pallbearers; the rest of the mourners fall into line behind us. Half a mile—we've walked much farther before, carrying weapons and armor, but somehow this feels much worse.

I try to focus on something—anything—to keep myself from slipping into another memory. Footsteps. Kaidan's breathing. My own breathing. It strikes me just how quiet it is—there's no city noise. No cars, no construction, no voices. Just the footsteps of those around me, and the sound of quiet breathing.

I look ahead, and see Father Thetolee waiting for us at the gates of the cemetery. Standing next to him is someone I'm actually shocked to see: Admiral Hackett. As we approach, Father Thetolee turns into the cemetery, leading the procession toward the gravesite, but Admiral Hackett steps to the side. When the pallbearers pass, he salutes the casket. Though the other soldiers along the route dropped the salute as soon as it had moved on, he holds it as I pass. I know I'm not expected to return it, but it feels strange not to. I hear his footsteps fall into the crowd behind me.

It's a short walk to the graveside—I see chairs lined up near the freshly dug hole, a blue glow emanating from it. The pallbearers lay the casket on the mass effect field over the grave, then step back. When all have seated themselves, there are fourteen of us standing around the casket: Father Thetolee, Kolyat, Garrus, Tali, Miranda, Jacob, Grunt, Jack, Samara, Zaeed, Kasumi (actually visible, for a change), Liara, Feron, and me. With the sole exception of the priest, all of us worked with Thane.

Father Thetolee begins to speak, but I can't focus. There's a dull ringing in my ears. Trying to look like I'm involved in the words, I gaze at his stole—symbols of several faiths are embroidered on it, including a few non-human ones. I look around at the others in the circle—and notice not one is crying. A few I don't expect it from, like Zaeed or Garrus or Jack, but even Liara looks stoic and stone-faced.

I want to cry, but at the same time, I don't. I can't break down in front of all these people, even if most of them are my friends. Only a few people have actually seen me break down—Mom, Kolyat, and Garrus—and I don't want to give anyone a reason to doubt that I'm fit for duty.

My ears finally clear in time to hear Father Thetolee begin the prayer. I say the words under my breath with him, hearing a few of the others do the same. He gives a short, silent blessing to the casket, then moves away. The others follow, and I hear the seated mourners starting to leave their seats. But instead of following, I take a step closer. As I start to focus on my surroundings, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a familiar willow tree—then spot the headstone immediately to the right of the tree.

Devon Shepard

November 23, 2128 – April 15, 2169

My expression must be visible, because immediately, I hear my mother's voice in my ear. "I thought it was appropriate. Now we'll have two reasons to visit."

"I don't think I can afford to visit as often as I'm going to want to," I whisper, "but thanks, Mom." I feel a single tear slide down my cheek. "It's nice to know he'll have company."

She pats my back. "I'll be waiting near the car. Don't take too long." Without too much sound, she saunters away.

I lay a shaking hand on the lid of the casket. As I do, a single snowflake lands on the back of my hand. Another tear streaks down my face.

"The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die."

I lift my hand off the casket as more flakes fall around me. "At least you brightened part of it," I whisper. "Goodbye, Thane."