Chapter 14: I didn't mean a word

I blindly tried to take a bite from my toast. I failed: it hit my nose instead. Brilliant.

Okay, here we go. Third attempt. And… it hit my chin. That was better, at least.

"Having a little trouble there?" I recognized Scorp's voice, and first of all, how dare he. I then lifted the piece of toast and took a bite flawlessly, still without opening my eyes. There's nothing like anger when trying to get something done.

"Nope." I answered, towards where I thought Scropius was sitting "What are you even talking about?"

He scoffed but chose not to argue (smart of him – I would have won). Instead, he changed subjects: "Why are you eating with your eyes closed anyways?"

I barely had the energy to shrug. "Too tired."

A "hmm" was his very articulate reply. "Where's Liv?"

I half shrugged again. "Beats me. Last I heard she was going to get me coffee, but that was a while ago and she's still no–"

"Actually" he interrupted (which, rude) "I think I see her. Is she… yelling?"

I still didn't open my eyes. "Not possible, Scorp."

"I think she is, though." He sounded very convinced. "Oh wait, she's coming back."

Accordingly, I soon felt Liv sitting down next to me and putting something down on the table. "Here's your coffee, Beckah." Yay. If I hadn't been so tired, I would have smiled. "Those fifth years were being so annoying. Why did they need to have the coffee? For no reason, if you ask me. Of course, I had to argue with them until I managed to distract them by telling them about–" she gasped "oh my god, I've actually become a monster. The hormones have transformed me!"

She sounded so distraught that I felt that I should console her, so I reached out to pat her shoulder. "Rebeckah?" she asked.

"Hmm?"

"Why are you patting my boob?"

"Oh." I gave it a few more pats and then pulled back. "Oops."

And that, my friends, is why you should never try to make someone feel better, especially if you're completely exhausted. Which reminded me. I cracked one eye open and grabbed my goblet. "Coffee, please."

After a while during which I half-listened to Liv and Scrop's conversation and drank lots of coffee, I was feeling stronger. Strong enough, in fact, to open my eyes, get up, and walk to the the third years' part of the table. Amazing, right?

Annie greeted me enthusiastically when I sat down next to her, even giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, Annie." I smiled at her, then looked at all of her tiny friends. "Hello, small Slytherins." One of them, John, scowled and muttered something about being taller than me. I ignored him.

I spent a while listening to Annie and her friends as they told me about their lives, which were not very entertaining. I was, however, interested in watching Alice, the girl who I had found crying because her friends were ditching her. I had introduced her to Annie & Co., and she had fit right in, as I was happy to observe. She was laughing and smiling and actively participating in the conversation. It was great.

After breakfast, I went to my first class, as one does. Fortunately, I didn't have Defense that day, so I didn't have to be mad at James or listen to the stupid teacher. I actually had a very easy day ahead, with only a double Potions and History of Magic to get through. Because NEWTs were coming up, most of the teacher either taught only revision classes or completely canceled their classes to give us time to study. It was pretty great.

In Potions, Slughorn made us brew Wolfsbane individually, as revision. Thankfully, we were allowed to sit next to our usual partners as we worked, so I could chat freely with Naomi. Mostly, we talked about exams.

"What worries me the most is Transfiguration, I think. But also Potions theory. And astronomy. Also, Defense."

"Same." I sighed, "There's just not enough time to go over everything. I actually stayed up till four in the morning last night and I didn't even notice until I looked at the clock. I feel like a zombie."

"You look like one, too" she laughed.

"Thanks a lot." I grumbled.

After that, my potion turned blue when it was supposed to be gray and I was too busy panicking and trying to prevent an explosion to chat.

And I was so tired.

-o0o-

After that very stressful Potions experience, I decided to do what I should have been doing all along: ditch class and spend the day napping.

It was probably not the smartest idea, considering that we had NEWTs like, right around the corner but honestly, I didn't give a bezoar. Yes, that is now an expression.

I woke up five hours later, feeling unusually clear-headed and refreshed. And cheerful. And light. It was like this one nap had unmuddled my muddled mind and loosened my stress-filled muscles. I was no longer a zombie. Thank Merlin.

And what did I do with my newly acquired liveliness? Study, of course.

-o0o-

WHY DID NEWTS EXIST

WHYYY

Seriously, whoever had come up with them was evil. Forget about Voldemort, this was the real villain. Destroying people's lives and dreams and sleep schedules like they were nothing. WHY

-o0o-

My studying, though painful, had actually been productive, and I was feeling quite proud of myself by the time I decided to go to bed.

Then, I remembered the reason why I didn't usually nap: it was impossible to fall asleep after. Brilliant.

-o0o-

The kitchens had always been my favorite place at Hogwarts.

The reason why I loved them was, weirdly, their smell. And no, they did not smell like fresh-baked goods or sweets or anything like that. They smelled like soap. Like plain, uncomplicated soap.

And that is why I found myself at the Hogwarts kitchens on that particular Friday night, chatting with Ditz and some of the other elves, but mainly just watching them work.

I eventually decided that it was time to go back to the room and left the kitchens. I then decided that really I was not at all tired, so I might as well sit on that charming little window ledge and admire the night sky. What? I never claimed to be a reasonable person.

It was there, of course, that James Potter found me, after a week without talking to each other.

He walked towards me slowly, as if approaching a dangerous animal. I just sat there staring at him, as if he were a dangerous animal.

When he was beside me, I automatically gestured for him to take a seat on the windowsill as well, which he did. For a few minutes, we simply sat there, me going back to looking out the window and him staring (as far as I could tell) at me.

The silence was finally interrupted when he, after nervously messing up his hair, uttered a single word: "Hi."

"Hey." I answered.

Some more uncomfortable staring ensued.

"So," he grimaced "how've you been?"

"Oh, you know, stressed out of my mind."

He laughed a bit, but nodded in understanding. "Same. NEWTs?"

I hummed in agreement. "You?"

"Quidditch, mostly."

"Oh right." I had forgotten that he was on the Gryffindor team. "Big game next week. It's all Annie and Scorpius have been talking about for the past month."

"Yeah, it's an important game." He hesitated, as if unsure if he should tell me the next bit. "There might be scouts coming to watch, too."

"Oh?" I blinked. "Wait, you want to do Quidditch? As in, for a living? Since when?"

"Yeah, that's the plan. It actually took me a really long time to decide, it was driving Professor Longbottom up the walls."

I smiled a little, before something occurred to me. "Is it actually what you want? I mean, you're not doing it because your mother did it, right?"

"Not at all. I mean, I've always admired her but I'm not doing this for her. It's what I love to do."

"Well, I'm sure you'll be amazing." I actually smiled then. "You know, Scorpius was just telling me about how you're the best player on the Gryffindor team, and really the only one he's worried about for the game."

"And he should be worried. I'm not letting those little snakes beat me without at least putting up a fight."

"So you admit that they'll probably beat you?"

"Well, if you repeat this I will deny it, of course, but your Annie is an amazing Seeker. It's kind of scary. And our Beaters are slow."

I smiled in triumph and agreed profusely, which led to some more Quidditch talk. Eventually, he changed topics. "What are you studying for then?"

"Well," I cleared my throat, trying to get the words out "I know it's silly but I've always wanted to be an Unspekable. Do super secret research and all that."

"Really? That's so cool! Why would it be silly?"

"I mean, because it's all so secret I don't really know what it's about so it doesn't actually make sense that I want it so badly."

"That's ridiculous." he scoffed "If you want it then you want it, and that's it. Why are you stressing so much about NEWTs though?"

"I'm obviously going to need really high grades just to be considered, especially in Defense. And with the teacher we have…"

"You'll be fine, I'm sure you've been studying your ass off."

I couldn't help but laugh. "That's accurate."

He smiled a bit before suddenly becoming serious, looking at me intensely. My smile also faded as I realized that we were done avoiding the subject. We were going to talk about The Fight. For a moment, it all seemed very silly, like we had been making the whole thing into a bigger deal than it was. Then, I remembered his words, the hate in his eyes, and I felt a sharp sting as I re-heard the insults.

James cleared his throat, making me focus on present-him and not fight-him. He opened his mouth, and then closed it. Then opened it again, "you know I didn't mean any of it, right?"

"Then why did you say it?"

"As horrible as it sounds," he sighed, "I said it because I knew it would hurt you."

"I guess." I looked down at my hands, which were clutching the edge of my jumper. I made myself let go. "I guess I did the same thing, didn't I?"

"Well, what I said was worse."

"That is very arguable."

He smiled a little, a sad glint in his eyes. "Can we take it all back and go back to how it was before?"

"Well," I was looking at his sweater then. It was dark green. "We can try, that's for sure."

"Lets try then."

"Okay."

He leaned forward, his smile widening, as if he was about to let me in on a big secret. Instead, he held out a hand to shake. "Friends?" he proposed.

I looked down at his hand, then raised my eyebrows. "Attempting to be friends."

"I'll take what I can get."

We shook on it.

-o0o-

"So how's Olivia doing with it all?"

I looked at him, confused. Had he finally lost it? "Who's Olivia?"

Now he looked confused.

"Your best friend?"

"Oh!" I laughed at the his expression "You should call her Liv, I thought you were talking about an imaginary friend of yours for a moment there. And she's doing great, considering."

"Yeah, same goes for Lou. I would not be that calm if I was in his shoes, that's for sure."

"Can you imagine?" I tried to see myself pregnant, but was not capable of it "I still don't really believe it's happening."

"Yeah. Next thing we know, we'll be graduating. And right after that, we're godparents."

"That's depressing. I am not ready to be an adult." My eyes widened as I realized something, and I reached out to grasp James' arm, gasping dramatically, "We're going to have to pay taxes!"

He buried his head in his arms and groaned loudly. I laughed, but on the inside I was crying. I didn't know how to pay taxes; I didn't even know how to cook, or do laundry! AHHHH.

"Hey," James said, interrupting my inner freak-out "you really should come live with me and Fred."

"It's Fred and I, you dumbass." I corrected, at which he raised his eyebrows.

"Right. All I'm saying is, it could be fun. I know we're annoying, but it grows on you."

I looked out the window again. The moon was waning, and you could see the stars clearly. The lake's water was shimmering, as if made of molten silver. To the right lay the forest; a darkness that I knew wouldn't look any lighter by the morning sun.

"Lets just try this friends thing first, yeah?" I finally answered "We can think about the roommate thing later."

"Deal."

-o0o-

James had decided to walk me back to the Slytherin common room, which very much reminded me of the night when we had agreed to become friends. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Well," he said, pausing in front of the entrance, hands stuffed in his pockets "here we are."

"We are here."

Even though we had been talking for hours now, and had definitely improved our situation, there were still some painfully awkward moments. He took a few steps, getting closer to me, and taking his hands out of his pockets. I thought he was going to go for a hug, but he simply put his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. I avoided his gaze, sensing that he was going to talk about something that I would not want to talk about.

"What I said about you being fat – "

I opened my mouth to interrupt, but he stopped me with a single look.

"It's not true." His voice was firm and his eyes earnest, trying to convince me.

"Then why did you say it?" I asked, hating the sadness that had unwillingly crept into my voice.

"Because I knew it would hurt."

"But how?" I sounded completely desperate. "This isn't like what we said about out parents and everything else, because we had talked about that. We never – I never once even hinted at how I felt about…" I ducked my head "about that."

"It's not that hard to notice, really." His face was scrunched up, as if he was trying to remember something. "Whenever you get into a fight with someone and they call you fat, you always seem really affected, I guess, even when you're trying not to show it. And you don't act like you're happy with your body. You seem so confident in other things, but never in how you look, you know? I guess I just noticed that."

The amount of sense he was making scared me. "Do you think everyone else noticed too?"

He shrugged, looking at me worriedly, but firmly. "I don't know, and I don't care. It's not like it's true, anyway. You obviously have no reason to doubt the way you look." He put his finger under my chin, gently making me look up at him and away from the floor, "I didn't mean a word."

I fidgeted uncomfortably even as I thanked him, but he seemed satisfied enough.

"Now," he stated, beginning to smile again "we hug."

"Must we?" I whined.

"But of course. We must."

Hello, here's the next update! Only took a couple of months this time, heh. Anyway, thank you all for reading and I hope you liked the chapter. I welcome all reviews . Thank to LadyL for revieweiing, there are going to be more chapters, and here is one of them. And, of course, thank you so so much to Fionamoi, for reviewing and making it impossible for me to forget about this story, you have helped me so so much in writing this.

Have a good day everyone xx.